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Anneof 5
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| Posted: March 25 2007 at 8:21pm | IP Logged
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I was very humbled today when a woman at church approached my dh after Mass ( I had already gone out of church) and said she would like to help us with my dd's hair. My dd is African American , 5yo, and I am the first to admit that her hair is a mess! Her hair is extremely tightly curled and we cannot even comb through some of it. She has always been very uncooperative about letting us try to comb and wash it and in the past has gotten so hysterical she has even vomited.It was becoming a real source of conflict between us. I have a cupboard full of hair products that I have tried. That is why (mostly behavior) I have never even attempted to take her to anyone to try and fix it. Anyhow, this woman is African (speaks great English), new to our church, and seems to really want to help us. I did get to meet her after and talked for a bit. She mentioned a few ideas and gave me her card (she says she would like to do hair for a living but is in another business). One of the options would be to cut it short and start over which I would truly dread. This woman wears her hair very short. My little girl would look pretty strange with her hair cut off....I just do not know. I think I want the help and feel it may be an answer to a long ago prayer, but still have some fears. Mostly I just feel like a big failure in letting this "bad hair" go on for soooooo long. Everyone (always caucasian folks) always tells us how cute her hair is but in the African American community hair is a real source of pride, etc. I don't know whether to laugh or cry!! Anyone else out there with hair problems??
Anne
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Helen
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| Posted: March 25 2007 at 8:56pm | IP Logged
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Dear Anne,
Our daughter who has been with us for only 4 months and is just 16 months old has this type of hair. I've been hoping someone at Church would come up to me and say,
Can I help you with her hair?
I just asked the social worker to recommend a salon that adoptive mothers take their daughters. I've been planning to treat the hair issue similar to ... I hope this comes across the right way ... physical/occupational therapy. I'm accustomed to visiting specialists after adopting. So, I've been planning to visit the salon as though it was a visit to the specialist. 
I would prefer to go with a little information under my belt. So, if anyone has a book or suggestion for me, I would gladly accept it.
I'm so glad you began this thread!
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Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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Waverley
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| Posted: March 25 2007 at 9:07pm | IP Logged
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As the mother of 3 biracial (AA/white) children, I understand your situation. I would encourage you to take her to a salon - each child's hair is different and has different needs. Let a professional hairdresser look at your child's hair and recommend a cut and products. Please don't let her hair become an issue between the two of you. With the right products and syling by someone other than you, she may allow her hair to styled. You are not a failure. But you do need to put her self esteem first and get some help.
Waverley
wife of 1, mom of 5
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MichelleW
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| Posted: March 25 2007 at 9:39pm | IP Logged
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One of the things I have prayed for my children is that the Lord would send another Godly adult into their lives to encourage them.
I think that accepting help from this lady honors the woman for offering (though she probably did so with fear and trepidation), honors your child (who has a legitimate need both physically and spiritually) and honors the Lord (who blessed you with this child).
It sounds to me like you really have already made a decision to go ahead. I want to encourage you. When your dd is grown you will both laugh about this. At the dinner table, a young woman, confidant, well groomed, and well loved, will tell her fiance about how her mom fought the hair battle valiantly, and then called in reinforcements.
You are a good mommy. I struggled with my dd's hair and she is caucasian! You are doing just fine.
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Michelle
Mom to 3 (dd 14, ds 15, and ds 16)
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: March 25 2007 at 9:59pm | IP Logged
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Here where I live, white families are often refused as potential adoptive parents for AA children. One of the reasons cited is, believe it or not, the hair issue. Apparently we just don't "get it" and it causes enough consternation in the African American community that cross-racial adoptions are discouraged because of it!
I personally think it is a rediculous reason to deny a child a family, but it is happening.
That being said, if you can get help with her hair from a generous woman at church, I would say go for it. Take away some ammunition from those who would try to shoot down cross-racial adoptions.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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Chari
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 1:12am | IP Logged
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I say go for it, too, Anne, though with NO experience behind me  It might be nice to get to know the lady a bit first though......maybe meet her for a cup of tea somewhere? Then, you may feel more at ease...
My Caucasion neighbor has been raising her 15 yo grandd (biracial) since she was two, and her hair is extremely kinky and curly, and usually looks like it needs help. I know they have had A LOT of hair issues. I will pray it all works out for you!
I remember when an internet friend of mine adopted AA twins at age five, her brother who had already adopted a few AA kids, sent her a congratulatory email telling her he and his wife would be happy give them "hair lessons" It was the sweetest and funniest email.
Thanks for reminding me of that.
Blessings on both of you! DO update us!
BTW, welcome to the boards! Glad you are here!
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Chari...Take Up & Read
Dh Marty 27yrs...3 lovely maidens: Anne 24, Sarah 20 & Maddelyn 17 and 3 chivalrous sons: Matthew 22, Garrett 16 & Malachy 11
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Rachel May
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How I have wished for someone to solve my girls' hair problems! I used to accost people everywhere begging for help. If I were you, I would jump at the offer of help. Ironically, even though we were in a pretty good place, it was MaryChris (not AA as far as I can tell ) putting the book Curly Girl into my hands that put us over the top. After 6 years of screaming at the sight of a pick, Maria is now doing her and Cecilia's hair nearly independently. My hair looks better too, and I'm not AA either!
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Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
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BlessedBGod
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| Posted: March 29 2007 at 8:07am | IP Logged
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Hi Moms,
We went through this this year with our first bi-racial child. I sent this delicate, darling child on a visit with her birth parents and you would have thought a bomb went off. The birth parents complained about her hair and her clothes. Her outfit was brand-spanking new. So, that was ridiculous. I will admit her hair stumped me. I did go to a salon for people with hair like that but they pretty much laughed me out of the salon. So, social services sent this beautiful, older black woman who was so sweet to show me how to do her hair. They insisted her hair should be braided whenever she went out in public. Unfortunately for the child, her hair was her comfort blankie that she liked to pull and twist. I have seen this little girl with her new, black foster family many times since then and she never had her hair braided. She always looks so well kempt though. Anyways, you take her hair gently, grab up a section of it, brush through parts of it smoothing out any tangles. Use this 360 styling lotion and rub it in. (I think that's the name of it-360 degrees) It coats the hair. Then when all the hair is done, you put the little black rubber bands (the colored, plastic bands don't work since the 360 degree lotion eats them away) in sections of her hair. You can twist or braid each section and put another black rubber band on the end of each one. You can add barrettes or clips after you are done. Her hair looked so healthy, dark colored and smooth. We left that in for a few days at a time. Live and learn. -BlessedBGod JMJEdited to add: I looked up the lotion and here is the link. It's 360 Stylin' Afro Hair Softener.
http://www.ebonyline.com/scur360styla2.html
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Helen
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| Posted: March 29 2007 at 8:19am | IP Logged
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BlessedBGod wrote:
You can twist or braid each section and put another black rubber band on the end of each one. You can add barrettes or clips after you are done. Her hair looked so healthy, dark colored and smooth. We left that in for a few days at a time. Live and learn. -BlessedBGod JMJEdited to add: I looked up the lotion and here is the link. It's 360 Stylin'.
http://www.ebonyline.com/scur360styla2.html |
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How many sections? does it matter?
Evenly distributed?
Random?
The whole head? or only the front section?
I like the look of two pony tails in the front but what about the back of the head?
Thanks for any suggestions!
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Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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Jen L.
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| Posted: March 29 2007 at 10:33am | IP Logged
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I don't have any experience with this, but when I went searching for "Curly Girl" just now at my library (I have been to the curly girl website, but I keep forgetting to check it out), I found out there are a BUNCH of books on this topic...
Here's a highly rated one called Kinky Kreations
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Jen
dh Klete,ds (8/95),dd (12/97), dd (11/00), and ^2^ in heaven
"...the best state in which to glorify God is our actual state; the best grace is that of the moment..." St. Peter Eymard
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BlessedBGod
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| Posted: March 29 2007 at 11:15am | IP Logged
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Well, I varied the amount of braids. Her hair wasn't long enough to do just two or four. I wish it was. That's why I think you should probably not cut her hair. Usually it was six or eight sections. I think it looked better with even sections; two in the front, two on the top and two in the back. For fun though, we did it randomly but each section had the same amount of hair. That is imperative. We always made sections of all the hair on her head and didn't leave any to hang out. This is just the way I was taught, and other people may have their own way of doing it. I do know that she looked adorable afterwards. Fortunately for us, she always sat very still for the whole process. God bless you in this endeavor. -BlessedBGod JMJ
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Rachel May
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| Posted: March 29 2007 at 12:39pm | IP Logged
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One thing that Curly Girl addresses is that there are different kinds of curly hair. Maria and Cecilia are both biracial from the same parents (us) and have competely different curl patterns. Some products overlap for them, some don't. I will say, if you find a product that you are happy with, STICK WITH IT!
The Curly Girl website that I found is not by the author of the book, but by a Christian group I believe. It doesn't make it bad or anything, it's just not her official site, for what it's worth.
When I do little braids (cornrows), I let Maria pick a video and she sits well the whole time. I started doing that when she was about 3. Good luck.
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Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
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KellyJ
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This book might also be helpful. It focuses more on AA hair than the other book mentioned. Both of the books are available at my library; maybe yours has them too?
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KellyJ
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Jen L.
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I think the website isn't an official Curly Girl website, but it does have A LOT of the information from the book. Here for instance
Also, we've had a similar discussion here on 4real before -- here
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Jen
dh Klete,ds (8/95),dd (12/97), dd (11/00), and ^2^ in heaven
"...the best state in which to glorify God is our actual state; the best grace is that of the moment..." St. Peter Eymard
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Jen L.
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| Posted: March 29 2007 at 3:47pm | IP Logged
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Here's what looks like another great curly website (been around since 1998!)..
It includes a bunch of articles onHow to care for your KIDS CURLS.
Naturally Curly.com home page
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Jen
dh Klete,ds (8/95),dd (12/97), dd (11/00), and ^2^ in heaven
"...the best state in which to glorify God is our actual state; the best grace is that of the moment..." St. Peter Eymard
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Jeanne Marie
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| Posted: March 30 2007 at 2:32pm | IP Logged
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This post actually got me to register! I have adopted two bi-racial daughters and some of the most important advice I can give is to make sure the hair is very wet and has a conditioner or hairdressing on it before combing. I comb it out in small sections. It is important to start at the bottom of the strands first and work your way up. With each section I put the conditioner on and then use California Baby de-tangler spray or just plain water to get it very wet. After combing out a section, I clip it together. I then take out the clips, part it and style. I like to keep it down and naturally curly every once in awhile, but for the most part I keep it in twists or puffs. Don't wash the hair too often and always condition. I like to use an organic coconut oil with a shower cap for about 10 minutes before washing.
We like to use natural products so I have been using California Baby Shampoo, Conditioner and De-tangler. I still use these, but have found that they are not enough. I have been trying out Carol's Daughter's products and have liked using the Khoret Amen Hair Smoothie. http://www.carolsdaughter.com/products.asp?dept=1072 They have several scents but we like the woodsy smell of this. I know they are little girls, but we don't like really sweet scents! The California Baby products have a very nice fresh scent.
I have found that there are different opinions within the African American community about hair. Some people don't approve of dreadlocks. Some people don't approve of hair that is not natural. I read somewhere that you should never cut a girl's hair. On a natural hair care site they said that you should have it trimmed. And someone here said they shouldn't go out without braids. Well, I love the curls! I love puffs and twists! I found out about those styles on a natural African American hair web-site.
My biggest problem is the time it takes to comb and style, if we want to go somewhere at the spur of the moment. They get flyaway hair very easily and it does not always look nice and neat. And I do dread the disapproval of African American women at the grocery store.
The wonderful thing about caring for my daughters' hair is the time it takes can be a very good thing. The time together for hair care is a wonderful opportunity for togetherness. They read to me (pretend read; they are only 2 and 3 yr.), play with things while I am engaged with them or we just talk. This is time I HAVE to make for them and I have no distractions because the hair needs careful attention. I would also recommend that you make the hair care experience as peaceful and pain free as possible. I read a book (sorry don't remember the name) where women told about their emotionally painful experiences with their hair when they were children. I have tried to remember that and I keep hair time a pleasant and loving time. I have also been trying to instill in them a love for their curly hair. It is beautiful! Everyone loves those curls! They can't keep their hands off of it when we are out - Which actually bothers me :)
This is all from my experience and research, but I am not a professional. If anyone, especially African American women out there, can give me advice, I'll take it! - Jeanne
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Helen
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Jeanne Marie wrote:
| This post actually got me to register! |
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Welcome Jeann Marie!
Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Jeanne Marie wrote:
I have adopted two bi-racial daughters and some of the most important advice I can give is to make sure the hair is very wet and has a conditioner or hairdressing on it before combing. |
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I have one mixed daughter and a daughter with completely AA hair. (This might be another thread. But, one day in Dunkin Donuts the cashier asked me if my daughter was "mixed". I said yes, and she said that she was "mixed" too.
Since this experience, if necessary, I refer to my daughter as "mixed.")
Anyway, I thought "no shampoo" meant little water. I now realize that loads of water is best for combing this type of curly hair.
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Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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Anneof 5
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Here is the update on my dd's hair...I finally got a hold of this woman and we went to her home twice last week. It took about 3 hours the first night to comb out her hair and wash it. My dd was soooo good that night and was actually anxious to go back the following night. It ended up to be quite an ordeal by the time it was over, with much crying and complaining as the time went on. I actually had sore muscles from helping out with it all. But it isn't like we could just stop and let her hair look like that (pretty wild looking at times). But she ended up with braids all over which will last till next week and then we will redo it again. I was amazed watching this woman's fingers fly making these little braids. DD thinks she looks beautiful now and is very proud. I learned a lot and not just about hair! This woman did not think my dd could handle going to a salon yet as they probably would not put up with her behavior. She said dd's hair is extremely tightly curly and very, very, thick and will probably need a mild relaxer. I know a lot of people say no way at this young age but other than cutting it really short there really isn't a good alternative. This lady was so nice. She said she prayed before approaching us about it and didn't know what to expect. She is truly an angel and an answer to a long ago prayer we said for a solution to all of this. Thanks for all of your input and please keep us in your prayers as we continue dealing with this challenge.
Anne
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Bridget
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I just saw my niece, who is AA, on Easter. I was admiring her two year old daughter's hair. It was neatly parted and had little braids and bows all over. Too cute.
I asked her how long it takes to do her hair. She said about 30 minutes and they both need a break in the middle. She said she didn't know how to do hair, herself and had to have someone else teach her.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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Wendi DeGrandpr
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I haven't been "on the list" for quite a while and just skimmed this so please forgive me if I am being repetative at all. Our dd is Haitian and I really prayed about what to do with her hair. I have no experience with anything except fairly fine straight hair. I was blessed to find a yahoo group for families who had adopted from Haite which addressed many of my problems.
The first thing was to not use shampoo - or just use it very occasionally. "Wash" well with warm water to get out dirt etc but her hair needs moisture added not taken out like my hair. I use conditioner only for both dd and ds - works great. I use hair oil on ds and all the eczema spots on his head are gone. Dd's hair is SO much better. The conditioner helped with snarls so now I don't even need to use the de-tangler which I was using lots of before. I part her hair, comb it out (small section), use a coconut hair "grease", then twist or braid. Honestly the first time we did this it took a week - the combing was so intense I only did a couple of braids each day. The next time it took two and a half hours - I took each braid out and rebraided without having to repart etc. Just comb, "grease" and finish off with her choice of elastic color! This was after three weeks!!! After another two weeks I re-did her hair before Easter with new elastics to match her Easter dress and a fun new twist. I am slowly learning to do different things but in the mean time her hair is very healthy, growing well and most importantly she really loves it. In between "styling" we let the shower run on it - rub gently to get out any dirt, apply conditioner - sing the alphabet twice, count to twenty twice - and rinse.
Also, let me mention her hair was VERY short when she came home and so we have been letting it grow out with a couple of trims to get rid of the dry red hair caused by poor nutrition.
It is definately a learning process but it is true that culturally her hair is very important to her so it is important to me that she feel good about it. I think it will get easier as time goes on - we have made lots of progress already so let me assure you that you can too. I am in no way creative with hair or a stylist!!!
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God Bless,
Wendi
Mom to four blessings
"We can do no great things - only small things with great love." Blessed Mother Teresa
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Accepting outside help with hair
