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Angie Mc
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Yesterday, we continued to consider our thinking distortions and words said to us by others based on distorted thinking. Then we took a deeper look at attitudes that can derail us. So far the picture looks like this...
As children of God, wives, and mothers, we share common experiences. These experiences (actions), trigger thoughts, some are true and some of are distorted. By "catching" these thoughts, we can test them to see if they are true. We want our thoughts to be true because truth is good and because thoughts trigger feelings. Feelings are neither right or wrong, but we don't have time or energy to expend on strong feelings based on falsehoods. Sometimes these strong feelings are connected to attitudes that are unhealthy and to old hurts.
Adding to the soup...Life is difficult. (I'm pretty sure I borrowed that line from M. Scott Peck and his "The Road Less Traveled."  ) Let's take a look at categories of actions/experiences that may trigger thoughts and negative feelings in the first place.
Inconvenience These are often the final straws to break a mother's spirit, mood, and civility! The doorbell rings. The dryer squeaks loudly. We're out of paper towels. I can't find a pen. A child interrupts. It may be an inconvenience to review the family dress code in light of a teen's request for leniency. It can be very discouraging to "lose it" or cry over spilt milk!
Misunderstanding It is very difficult to communicate clearly, to listen attentively, and to cooperate easily. Misunderstandings between people are common place, in real life and online. My dh and I may be having a misunderstanding about dietary issues, for example.
Mistake I make mistakes. My children make mistakes. My family and friends make mistakes. My dh never makes mistakes . My son's coach makes mistakes. The utility company rep. makes mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes offer us the opportunity to swallow our pride and to forgive others. Yet, it can be very hard to remember this upside while in the thick of our vocation. The school-aged child may lie (or made a mistake that lead to the lie) and I may forgot to say my rosary (without intent.)
Misfortune Misfortune visits us all. Our children are sick. My van is totalled. An important letter gets lost in the mail. Often misfortune is thrust upon us and can leave us feeling victimized.
Tragedy Check out Our Mother's Garden of Sorrow. When tragedy and heavy loss strikes, we grieve. I see dealing with tragedy, especially sudden loss, more akin to hitting my toe into a wall and jumping up and down, yelling in pain. We cry and wait.
Our family came up with the above categories, do you have any other additions? These have been helpful to avoid over-reacting to inconveniences, to look for misunderstandings, to ask for and give forgiveness quickly for mistakes, to accept and offer up misfortunes, and to grieve true losses.
Would anyone like to share a scenario (real or imagined ) that includes an action, some thoughts, feelings, and reactions/our behaviors? Together we can practice using some of the tools we've been discussing and ask questions to clarify these ideas. Thanks!
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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Good morning, all! I have a few minutes before I go to Mass so I'll share a quick scenario. Feel free to practice on it and/or share a different scenario. The more the merrier 
Scenario: It's Friday and its been a really long week. My dh has been away on business, the baby isn't sleeping well, the house is a wreck, and I'm exhausted! I'm snapping at my kids and no matter how many times I ask for help, they don't. I never get their help when I need it! You would think that my teen would know better. But no, she just hides in her room and if I say anything to her that isn't "just right", boy do I get it. I can't take it anymore! I've been crying and crying and no one cares.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Martha in VA
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Wow, this is right where I am these days! I needed this thread this morning.
I can speak to the misfortunate/tragedy scenario:
Dh is having spine/neck surgery next week. We have known for only about 2 weeks that he needs this. The surgery is very serious because the surgeons will be so very close to his spinal cord. I realized the other day that I was quickly becoming an emotional basket case because I was assuming Dh would either die during the surgery, or come out of it paralyzed. While both of those are possible outcomes, they are not likely. Yet wallowing in my fear made me feel like I was doing something about it! (crazy isn't it!) Instead, I've started reading Jacques Philippe's incredible book Searching for and Maintaining Peace. I'm also trying to pray Night Prayer each night and also fill my mind with encouraging christian music.
All that to say, I think we can counter our distorted thinking by filling our minds with God's truths.
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Blessed wife & mom to
4dds,miracle son 4/09, 2 in heaven
My Conversion Blog
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CrunchyMom
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I'm on the computer trying to get some last minute things ready for finally trying one of those big craft ideas. I decide that if I wait until the house is spotless, we'll never do it (got over one distorted thought ). It does take more than the minute I said it would take, and in the meantime, the natives grow restless, the two year old brings in a used glass filled with cold coffee from breakfast. He sits at the table next to me and while I rush to just get this done so we can start, he spills coffee on the new rug. I rush to put the baby down and get a towel and spray to clean up the mess, and with the baby crying, I jump up and down a few times and either cry, "This is why I never do stuff with you boys" OR "I can't have anything nice."
So, hows that for trading one distorted thought for ten 
Misfortune and Mistakes abound!
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Angie Mc
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Martha in VA wrote:
Wow, this is right where I am these days! I needed this thread this morning.
I can speak to the misfortunate/tragedy scenario:
Dh is having spine/neck surgery next week. We have known for only about 2 weeks that he needs this. The surgery is very serious because the surgeons will be so very close to his spinal cord. I realized the other day that I was quickly becoming an emotional basket case because I was assuming Dh would either die during the surgery, or come out of it paralyzed. While both of those are possible outcomes, they are not likely. Yet wallowing in my fear made me feel like I was doing something about it! (crazy isn't it!) Instead, I've started reading Jacques Philippe's incredible book Searching for and Maintaining Peace. I'm also trying to pray Night Prayer each night and also fill my mind with encouraging christian music. |
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Martha, I'm praying for you, your dh, and whole family as you prepare for surgery  . May you all receive the support and care you need during this difficult time. May you all grow closer to God and each other and experience a speedy recovery!
Thank you for sharing. Those future-telling thoughts are tenacious, aren't they? Thinking of worst case scenarios enflame my emotions...worry, panic, anxiety. These emotions are exhausting for me! Just when I need to prepare myself and my family for something really important, I can easily be zapped of energy. Your insight into "wallowing" made you "feel" like you were doing something is precious! I know exactly what you mean but hadn't seen it clearly until reading your comment. Somehow I "feel" that my "worry" is a sign of my love and concern? But is that the best way to show love and concern? Thanks for sharing concrete ideas for how you replaced distorted thoughts with truth (the book recommendation sounds perfect for Lent reading) to include spiritual reading, prayer, and music - Awesome  .
Martha in VA wrote:
| All that to say, I think we can counter our distorted thinking by filling our minds with God's truths. |
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Beautiful  <- (tears of joy) This is why I'm so grateful to be able to dialogue with all of you about this topic! The goal of ridding ourselves of distorted thoughts isn't simply to bring emotional relief and improve our relationships (which is good) but the ultimate goal is to bring us closer to God, to see our complete dependence on Him, and to bring ourselves back to His truths over and over again rather than "wallowing" in our distorted thoughts, disproportionate feelings, and sinful behavior over and over again. Secular resources miss God, somehow.
I'm off to speed clean the house. It's really hard to walk away from the computer because I'm eager to reply to you, too, Lindsay! Thanks for your post and I'll be back later.
Keep the scenarios, insights, and practice coming. This is great!
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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JodieLyn
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You know I keep reading these and think.. I know I can't be perfect but I can't think of examples of them, and I can't even really think of which ones I'd be inclined to.
And then I realized that I often "put out of mind" these things after they've happened..
and I also think I don't tend toward any particular distortions.. so there's not much of a pattern.
the above comments reminded me of the time a number of years ago when my dh was getting some pressure from work to detail to a position out of the area and it was just really really bothering me.. and I kept worrying about things like what if I ended up pregnant, how could I manage that and the garden we were starting to work on putting in and well just everything.. And I kept saying to myself "I can't do it".
And then one day I (ok so I talk to myself ) said to myself.. wait a minute here.. so if you can't do it.. what will you do if it happens anyway.. well that set me back on my heels.. hmmm what would I do.. and my answer.. I'd deal with it.  oh so while I don't like it I could deal with it.. so what exactly am I worried about? And then... it didn't happen anyway. 
But you know, I'm not normally inclined to that type of scenario.. I've very good at assessing a possible problem figuring out what I can do about it and then letting it go.. still doing what I can but not constantly worrying over it.
I get in over my head when I have multiple situations that I'm trying to figure out what it is that I can do and start the doing.. but once it's all set out.. I like lists for these situations.. I mostly stop worrying other than a concerned about the situation feeling when I happen to think about it.
though I still tend to "plan a funeral" when my dh is excessively late without being able to let me know what's going on.
One I didn't see or couldn't place though was fear.. I know I've reacted out of fear of what others might think.. not because they might think badly (don't care about their opinion in other words) but because it's so prevelant that people will call in CPS or something for things that are really none of their business or worse.. just because they disagree with you.. families being called on because they have more than 2 or maybe 3 kids or because they homeschool and are *gasp* outside during the day. 
__________________
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G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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LisaR
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JodieLyn wrote:
You know I keep reading these and think.. I know I can't be perfect but I can't think of examples of them, and I can't even really think of which ones I'd be inclined to.
And then I realized that I often "put out of mind" these things after they've happened..
and I also think I don't tend toward any particular distortions.. so there's not much of a pattern.
But you know, I'm not normally inclined to that type of scenario.. I've very good at assessing a possible problem figuring out what I can do about it and then letting it go.. still doing what I can but not constantly worrying over it.
I get in over my head when I have multiple situations that I'm trying to figure out what it is that I can do and start the doing.. |
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DITTO DITTO DITTO!!! I'm whatever personality type you are then!!
however, reading Angie's exercises have helped me greatly realize that I spent WAY too much time (since I'm so "with it" ) analyzing others response patterns, and predicting what choice will occur next.
I think it is the sociologist in me??
However, people deserve more respect from me than to be labeled and categorized and studied.
THIS for me is where being PRESENT to the moment comes in.
__________________
Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
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Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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Angie Mc
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CrunchyMom wrote:
| I'm on the computer trying to get some last minute things ready for finally trying one of those big craft ideas. I decide that if I wait until the house is spotless, we'll never do it (got over one distorted thought ). |
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CrunchyMom wrote:
It does take more than the minute I said it would take, and in the meantime, the natives grow restless, the two year old brings in a used glass filled with cold coffee from breakfast. He sits at the table next to me and while I rush to just get this done so we can start, he spills coffee on the new rug. I rush to put the baby down and get a towel and spray to clean up the mess, and with the baby crying, I jump up and down a few times and either cry, "This is why I never do stuff with you boys" OR "I can't have anything nice."
So, hows that for trading one distorted thought for ten
Misfortune and Mistakes abound! |
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Classic Did you have any Shoulds?...someone should have drank that coffee, should have emptied, washed, and put away the coffee Magnification?...my NEW rug is STAINED ?...All I do is clean up one mess after another.
If you cry or yell, "This is why I never do stuff with you boys" or "I can't have anything nice" or the like, its such a relief to be able to stop, regroup, and see more clearly. Inconviences, mistakes, and misfortunes happen. I can pray. I can take a break. I can avoid All or Nothing thinking and reschedule the craft. I can apologize for yelling. I can look at why the coffee was available to the baby and brainstorm preventive measures. I can remember that none of our stuff stays new forever and that this point in family like, our stuff will be well-loved. I can give myself and my children some slack, maybe even smile. I'm back on track!
Thanks, Lindsay .
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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CrunchyMom
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I guess that Mistakes are "shoulds" that you really should have done, right?
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
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[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Angie Mc
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CrunchyMom wrote:
| I guess that Mistakes are "shoulds" that you really should have done, right? |
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...I wish I had thought of that!
LisaR wrote:
JodieLyn wrote:
You know I keep reading these and think.. I know I can't be perfect but I can't think of examples of them, and I can't even really think of which ones I'd be inclined to.
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DITTO DITTO DITTO!!! I'm whatever personality type you are then!!
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Jodie and Lisa, you both bring up a very important principle, "If it isn't broken, don't fix it!"
This material may not be helpful to you at this time if...
*Your mood is consistently positive and pleasant.
*Your emotions are consistently under control and proportionate.
*Your behaviors are consistently under control and you fulfill your duties.
*Your relationships are respectful, mutual, and prioritized.
*Your home atmosphere is comfortable and kind.
LisaR wrote:
however, reading Angie's exercises have helped me greatly realize that I spent WAY too much time (since I'm so "with it" ) analyzing others response patterns, and predicting what choice will occur next...I think it is the sociologist in me??
However, people deserve more respect from me than to be labeled and categorized and studied. THIS for me is where being PRESENT to the moment comes in. |
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This is very helpful, Lisa. Can we brainstorm other ways that this material can be helpful, even if one isn't inclined toward distorted thoughts? I'll start with your insights. This material can help me to:
*Stay in the present.
*Treat others with respect by not labeling them.
*Stay focused on own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
*Identify distorted thoughts in my children so I can help them to replace those thoughts with truth.
*Communicate as a family better by using specific words to describe distortions and difficulties.
*Avoid reacting to the words or actions of others that are based on distorted thinking.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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JodieLyn wrote:
And then I realized that I often "put out of mind" these things after they've happened..
And I kept saying to myself "I can't do it".
...And then one day I (ok so I talk to myself ) said to myself.. wait a minute here.. so if you can't do it.. what will you do if it happens anyway.. well that set me back on my heels.. hmmm what would I do.. and my answer.. I'd deal with it. oh so while I don't like it I could deal with it.. so what exactly am I worried about? And then... it didn't happen anyway. |
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Jodie, you share some great ways to "catch" thoughts. Putting things "out of mind" is key! It sounds like you are quick to assess a thought/situation and discard it quickly if it does not need/merit your attention. Love it! You also asked yourself, "What would I do?" and answered "I'll deal with it." That is the truth! Statements like, "I can't do it!" or "I can't take it anymore!" are filled with distortions.
JodieLyn wrote:
I get in over my head when I have multiple situations that I'm trying to figure out what it is that I can do and start the doing.. but once it's all set out.. I like lists for these situations.. I mostly stop worrying other than a concerned about the situation feeling when I happen to think about it.
though I still tend to "plan a funeral" when my dh is excessively late without being able to let me know what's going on.
One I didn't see or couldn't place though was fear.. I know I've reacted out of fear of what others might think.. not because they might think badly (don't care about their opinion in other words) but because it's so prevelant that people will call in CPS or something for things that are really none of their business or worse.. just because they disagree with you.. families being called on because they have more than 2 or maybe 3 kids or because they homeschool and are *gasp* outside during the day. |
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Jodie, your post made me think of when I had my first child who was very spirited. I read everything that I could get my hands on about raising spirited children and worked hard to master my parenting skills. My next three children weren't spirited, but the skills I learned were very helpful for parenting all children during their spirited "moments" . Your example of planning your dh's funeral (classic) or fear that others will cause you harm (awful,) may be the only "moments" in your life when this material might help.
What instigated my interest in this material initially was a search for something to help me through what my brother called my "perfect storm." This storm consisted of 2 major losses/tragedies, several misfortunes, and what felt like endless mistakes, misunderstandings, and inconveniences...the likes of which I had never experienced all at one time in my life. I'll add to our list. This material can help me to:
*Overcome pesky moments.
*Ride out the "perfect storm."
Any other ideas?
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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JodieLyn
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You know Angie, I don't think I naturally know these things.. which is part of why I'm liking to read about them now. But rather that my personality is such that I get annoyed with myself if I dwell on some things.. I tend to be happy/optimistic and I like being that way.. when classes in high school would do those write one nice thing to describe each person in the class.. I got tons of "always smiling" or "friendly" or "happy" types of descriptions.
I also have a habit of taking whatever side of an argument "needs help" So I'm quick to switch sides.. even when there's no one else.. trying to think things through by myself actually winds up being very circular I do better to talk to someone else.
So, I think my "habits" of personality help me pull out of many of the things you've mentioned. But then when I do wind up in something "over my head" I'm not always sure how to get myself out because it hasn't been necessarily a conscious process.
LISAR - Sanguine/Choleric and you go and read some of the descriptions and they're so accurate that I have to laugh at them. Did you know one of the weaknesses of Sanguine is not remembering names.. I never knew that was part of my personality.. just that I can't remember names
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Angie Mc
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JodieLyn wrote:
You know Angie, I don't think I naturally know these things.. which is part of why I'm liking to read about them now. But rather that my personality is such that I get annoyed with myself if I dwell on some things....
So, I think my "habits" of personality help me pull out of many of the things you've mentioned. But then when I do wind up in something "over my head" I'm not always sure how to get myself out because it hasn't been necessarily a conscious process.
LISAR - Sanguine/Choleric.. |
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Got it - I hope! I think that you described my dilemma well...when I was hit with the perfect storm (in over my head), my natural optimism, problem-solving, and good cheer were tested mightily. They couldn't touch my grief. My best guess is that during the perfect storm, I no longer was able to simply (unconsciously) cast aside distorted thoughts as I had in the past. Now that I'm making some of this more conscious, I wonder if I'll be less vulnerable in the future? I sure hope so . Thanks for your help!
ETA: I'm choleric - can you tell? 
ETA: Don't know what we're talking about...sanguine? choleric? Read here.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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Angie Mc wrote:
This material may not be helpful to you at this time if...
*Your mood is consistently positive and pleasant.
*Your emotions are consistently under control and proportionate.
*Your behaviors are consistently under control and you fulfill your duties.
*Your relationships are respectful, mutual, and prioritized.
*Your home atmosphere is comfortable and kind.
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And here are descriptions of the attitudes listed in the previous topic, when they are healthy and positive:
Aproval. You are independent,
with a healthy sense of your own worth even
when confronted with criticism and disapproval.
Love. You see love as desirable,
but you have a wide range of other interests you also find gratifying and fulfulling. Human love is not a requirement for your happiness or self-esteem. People are likely to find you attractive because you radiate a healthy sense of self respect and are interested in many aspects of living.
Achievement. You enjoy creativity and productivity, but do not see them as an exclusive or necessary road to satisfaction.
Perfectionism. You have the capacity to set
meaningful, flexible, appropriate standards. You get great satisfaction from processes and experiences, and you are not exclusively fixated on outcomes. You don't have to be outstanding at everything, and you don't always have to "try your best." You don't fear mistakes, but you see them as golden opportunities to learn and to endorse your humanity.
Entitlement. You don't feel automatically
entitled to things, so you negotiate for what you want and often get it. Because of your awareness that other people are unique and different, you realize there is no inherent reason why things should always go your way. You experience a negative outcome as a disappointment but not a tragedy because you are a percentage player, and you don't expect perfect reciprocity or "justice" at all times. You are
patient and persistent, and you have a high frustration tolerance. As a result, you often end up ahead of the pack.
Omnipotence. You know the joy that comes from accepting that you are not the center of the universe. Since you are not in control of other adults, you
are not ultimately responsible for them but only for yourself. You relate to people effectively as a friendly collaborator and you are not threatened when they disagree with your ideas or fail to follow your advice. Because your attitude gives people a sense of freedom and dignity, you paradoxically become a human magnet. Others often want to be close to you because you have relinquished any attempt to control them. People frequently listen to and respect your
ideas because you do not polarize them with an angry insistence they must agree with you. As you give up your
drive for power, people repay you by making you a person
of influence. Your relationships with your children and
friends and associates are characterized by mutuality instead of dependency. Because you don't try to dominate people, they admire, love, and respect you.
Autonomy. Your moods are ultimately the children of your thoughts and attitudes. You assume responsibility for your feelings because you recognize that are ultimately created by you.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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This topic is still open for discussion so feel free to join in!
Here's a link to more related material and discussion, How we think - 5. Lent
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: How we think - 4. when life is difficult
