| Author | |
Syncletica
Forum Pro
Joined: June 11 2007
Location: Canada
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 450
|
| Posted: June 18 2007 at 12:02am | IP Logged
|
 |
|
I don't see a spot dedicated to the training of our children, so I'll post this here.
Does anyone have any proven method of dealing with screaming? My 18 mo. old has this screaming problem that just drives me batty.
How do you train for first time obedience? Do you 'tomato stake' (a method described in www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com )
Has anyone read the above site or read Michael and Debi Pearl's "To Train Up A Child" and "No Greater Joy" books? I wish there were Catholic equivalents. I wouldn't mind writing one myself, but first I have to actually get success in raising my own, and keeping my cool, too. Rather difficult, unfortunately.
Are there any wise words that come to mind that made parenting 'click' for you?
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
nicole marie
Forum Newbie
Joined: April 04 2007
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 42
|
| Posted: June 18 2007 at 9:12am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I wish I had some wise words for you, but all I can do is say that I understand. My 11 month old recently discovered this ability and screams when she is mad, when she happy, or for no apparent reason whatsoever. She especially enjoys screaming loudly during Mass. I am curious to see what advice other moms for baby training. My DD has learned the meaning of "no," and is generally obedient, but I don't think she understands it when we are trying to correct the screaming.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know you are not alone!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Elizabeth
Founder
Real Learning
Joined: Jan 20 2005
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5595
|
| Posted: June 18 2007 at 9:16am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Why does she scream? Is she just yelling nonsense noise or is she saying something? Does she do it as part of a tantrum? What happens just before she screams? I guess I'm trying to understand what you are talking about when you say she has a screaming problem...
__________________
Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Elizabeth
Founder
Real Learning
Joined: Jan 20 2005
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5595
|
| Posted: June 18 2007 at 9:22am | IP Logged
|
|
|
For those of you who, like me, wondered if you were raising tomatoes, here is what "tomato staking" is:
TOMATO STAKING
....
Well, your child is similar to a tomato. Without your constant good parenting, he'll grow wild and end up rotten. You need to be his stake. You need to be constantly keeping him with you as he grows, and training him, just as the tomato stake trains the tomato plant, to be as you want him to be - as you know he will need to be later in life. You need to keep him with you and work with him constantly, training him to become a godly child and eventually a godly adult.
Most parents don't do it this way. They don't believe that keeping their child close, and constantly nurturing and training, is really necessary. They seem to think their children are born knowing how to be good and wise, and all they have to do is keep them from getting injured too seriously before they become adults at age eighteen. This approach seems to work fine for infants, but as their child grows, most of these parents start noticing behavior problems and reacting after-the-fact to try to fix things. Of course reactionary parenting is the hard way and it doesn't work very well. Serious character flaws and bad behavior habits, once established, are very hard to correct.
Tomato staking is a tool that enables preventive parenting. When you tomato stake, you have the ability to anticipate wrong attitudes and misbehaviors and nip things in the bud before they become ingrained habits. You are right there to encourage right behavior as well. And of course it's easy to get to know your child when you keep him close to you, and the better you know him, the more likely it is that you will become close, and remain close throughout life. Tomato staking gives you the avenue to be a teacher, mentor, friend and more to your child. Meanwhile, your child has the opportunity to become your student, apprentice, companion, and eventually a godly adult. By then he will be standing securely on his own two feet, firmly holding to the right habits and godly thoughts instilled in him via godly parents and a tomato staking lifestyle. He will be prepared at this point, to pass these habits and values on to his own children.
"My son, observe the commandment of your father, and do not forsake the teaching of your mother; Bind them continually on your heart; Tie them around your neck. When you walk about, they will guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you; and when you awake, they will talk to you."
From Raising Godly Tomatoes
Now that I've read it, I can tell you definitely that I tomato stake (though I'm not sure about the analogy yet). NOTE: I haven't read anything else at the site linked. I have no idea what I agree with and where I differ. I just know that I keep my children close to me and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I keep them close and I anticipate all the time. That's why I asked you why she screams and when she screams and what happens before and during and after.
What's a tomato farmer's nemesis? The computer. I can't give them full time and attention when my face is turned to the screen.
That's it for me today 
__________________
Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
folklaur
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2816
|
| Posted: June 18 2007 at 11:12am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Elizabeth wrote:
What's a tomato farmer's nemesis? The computer. |
|
|
oooh, my. I needed to see that just now. Thank you  .
I think I am going to print it and post it right next to this machine.....
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
cathochick
Forum Rookie
Joined: Nov 13 2006
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 78
|
| Posted: June 18 2007 at 12:08pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
The key is consistency, no matter what parenting theories you hold to. I personally avoid stuff from the Pearls, Ezzo, and the like as I feel that their theories lack charity and don't uphold the dignity of the child as an image-bearer. Their view of the child, in my opinion, is not anywhere near the Catholic view.
That said, Joseph likes to scream. He's 18 months old, too. I've found that he mostly does it when there is aggressive play going on, or if he's wanting to just shout about something. If it's an appropriate setting (outside or during play) then I don't feel that he's being "naughty" by screaming. He's not aloud to be loud in Church and if he is, we take him out.
The parenting books that I prefer are things like Greg Popcak, Dr. Sears, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka (Raising your Spirited Child), etc. I feel that training/teaching/discipline can be done well and effectively in a gentler manner than is presented by the Pearls.
--Jessica
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Syncletica
Forum Pro
Joined: June 11 2007
Location: Canada
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 450
|
| Posted: June 18 2007 at 9:35pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
My son, Justus, usually screams as part of a tantrum. He (as all my children do) has a very loud voice which doesn't help matters.
I've kind of trained him to sit quiet with me during the Rosary, but if he decides he wants down or even 'up' so he tap my head or reach for something, I might swat his leg a little (if I decide that I want him to obey and stay put) and try to make him sit again. Scream. If he's being too unhappy and not obeying, I'll put him in the playpen. Scream. (For a minute or so. He'll usually calm down and play for a bit.) He'll sometimes scream for no real reason in his high chair. He often doesn't obey and will stand up in it and then climb onto the table. The straps don't keep him in and I can't move the table or high chair.
As for 'tomato staking' I find it hard to constantly be with them and catch them and stop them before they misbehave. I have many things causing me stress in my life at this time and can't seem to focus directly on that. Also, I basically never get a break. That makes things hard too, b/c I dread the next day and what it might bring. Sometimes it's not that bad, but other days my patience is nil. I am mostly melancholic and am always thinking. Many things I might miss simply b/c I am thinking so much. Sometimes I feel ready to throw in the towel. But, I guess, ol' pessimistic me has to realize that God and Our Lady won't let me down. Confidence, confidence, confidence. Must have more trust in them.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Rebecca
Forum All-Star
Joined: Dec 30 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1898
|
| Posted: June 18 2007 at 10:33pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I think that most 18 month olds scream for one of two reasons 1) to have a need met that they cannot yet communicate due to their age 2) to hear their voice and see your reaction.
If my 18 month old screams, I try, like Elizabeth mentioned, to think whether she had been attempting to communicate something with me (in a quieter manner) prior to the screaming. For example, this morning my daughter saw her cup of water on the counter and pointed to it many times before she let out a scream. I was not paying very close attention or I would have given it to her right away though I did see her out of the corner of my eye--just didn't register until she screamed.
Also, sometimes being one step ahead of the child will keep the screaming down to a minimum. If lunch is late around here or I have been spending too much time occupied with the computer, the children show their frustration by behaving in a less than desirable manner.
I have also had children who screamed (or hit or bit or kicked, etc.) simply because the first time they did it, they got a reaction that was interesting to them. I have tried, rather than correcting with a firm hand, to ignore most negative behaviours at this age by distracting them to a better activity. When a child screams for attention and a mother runs over and says "NO" with a serious look on her face, it can be funny to the child to see her face that way. They might repeat it over and over again to see the same reaction.
I don't believe that an eighteen month old can truly "disobey". In order to disobey, one must understand what is being asked of them and decide willingly not to do it. That requires a certain level of emotional maturity and understanding that a toddler does not posess. Now we know that the age of reason comes gradually, (not like a lightswitch overnight) but we can establish good habits of obedience by setting our parental expectations to match the child's age. Every child is different but I do not know of any child of 18 months (or even three) who will sit for an entire Rosary. Perhaps he could sit nicely for a few Hail Mary's instead?
When I read your concerns above about how when you swat his leg and then he screams, the first thing that came to mind is that perhaps he is sad and hurt by the swatting. I know that when anyone strikes me, I cry out as well even as an adult. It is possible that he feels similarly. I, sadly, have done similar things in anger, only to realize later that not only was ineffective as a punishment but that it produced more of that behaviour that I was trying to eliminate.
Regarding the play pen, perhaps he is bored in there or views it as only a place to go when he is "naughty"? Has he tried to tell you in a less volatile way that he is not happy to be in there?
These are just my random thoughts. I will be praying for you and ask you to please do the same for me.
God Bless,
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Kristie 4
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 20 2006
Location: Canada
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1508
|
| Posted: June 19 2007 at 6:10pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
The computer nemesis....arguing 4 and 6 year old boys!! Needed to be reminded about that connection again...
Kristie
__________________
Kristie in Canada
Mom to 3 boys and one spunky princess!!
A Walk in the Woods
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Elizabeth
Founder
Real Learning
Joined: Jan 20 2005
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5595
|
| Posted: June 19 2007 at 6:37pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
My favorite quote on discipline echoes the wisdom of tomato staking:
Discipline does not mean a birch rod, nor a corner, nor a slipper, nor a bed, nor any such last resort of the feeble. The sooner we cease to believe in merely penal suffering as part of the divine plan, the sooner will a spasmodic resort to the birch-rod die out in families. We do not say the rod is never useful; we do say it should never be necessary...Discipline is not punishment--What is discipline? Look at the word; there is not hint of punishment in it. A disciple is a follower, and discipline is the state of the follower, the learner, imitator...are by the very order of Nature, their disciples...He who would draw disciples does not trust to force; but to these three things to the attraction of his doctrine, to the persuasion of his presentation, to the enthusiasm of his disciples; so the parent has teachings of the perfect life which he knows how to present continually with winning force until the children are quickened with such zeal for virtue and holiness as carries them forward with leaps and bounds. (Charlotte Mason)
Keep them close, anticipate their needs, model good behavior, and yes, serve them. And they learn from you how to serve and how to be happy. You want them to want to be good.
At eighteen months, I think they need to learn that you are reliable, that you will respond always and predictably. You're creating a relationship of trust which inspires good behavior. You're also working hard as your child's advocate and not his adversary. It's not a test of wills. You're on the same side. But you need to get him to see that. And I think the best way to do that is to keep him close and make him your priority.
__________________
Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Lillian
Forum Rookie
Joined: Dec 24 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 88
|
| Posted: June 19 2007 at 8:17pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Syncletica,
I have to agree with Rebecca. I don't think an 18 mos. old is old enough for the entire rosary either. Not even a decade. My 21 mos. old usually plays with the rosaries, puts them on her neck, then off her neck, on her neck, then off! 
My two older girls (ages 9 and 7) can sit through an entire rosary, taking turns leading the decades. My 5 yo dd colors during the rosary. I usually photocopy 5 pages (pertaining to the decade) and she REALLY tries to keep up with the decade we're on in her coloring. My 4 yo son is another thing!!
He's sweet but isn't interested in coloring or praying or sitting quietly. But then, neither were any of my other children at that age.
I guess I'm trying to say to have reasonable expectations for the child's age. I KNOW my 4 yo will one day color and one day lead a decade and one day even remind the family that it's time to pray the rosary!!
YEARS AGO when my oldest was only 3 I used to get so worked up and scream and cry during the rosary because she wouldn't sit still. I don't know who I heard or where I read it, but you can't force them to love God and that's what I was trying to do in forcing her to sit for the rosary. So, as skeptical as I was, I stopped forcing. I brought out coloring pages and she was happy. After she could read she started leading the decades. Six years later our family rosary is so nice and peaceful!! Sure someone might ask what bead we're on, or ask what page we're on, or complain that it's their turn to read. But those are good interruptions!! It shows me they are really taking part!!
In fact, my dh sometimes has to limit the amount of petitions they try to load onto one decade!! They could go forever!
And now with the baby, I'm seeing that because I'm calm and the older kids-minus the boy!! - sit quietly, its not unusual to see the baby trying to pray!! But mostly she just dumps out the rosary basket!!
Maybe a book that gives reasonable expectations of childhood development would be better?? I've never read Pearl. But I've read Ezzo.
In the end you want filial obedience, not servile. God doesn't look for opportunities to punish us or set us apart, rather he is all merciful. And we can model that same love. Popcak has a wonderful article in the back of his back on corporal punishment.
Not that we never spank. We have spanked occasionally. But usually after they have been warned several times and for a serious offense. Usually, all I have to say is, "Please stop ________. That's the second time I've asked you. The next time you will be punished." That's enough!!
I'm not an expert or anything and my children aren't perfect!! But I'm starting to see the beauty in what Popcak is trying to say about parenting. I couldn't accept it at first. Maybe out of fear? Maybe because I was NOT raised that way??
Also, I read the biography of St. John Bosco and it really touched me. If he can get a multitude of unruly boys to behave through love and modeling behavior that shows acceptance and forgiveness and kindness, I can surely do that with my five.
As for the Rosary, the baby kisses the crucifix at the end of our rosary. That's her little job right now!
___________________
Blessings,
Lillian
Mom to Isabelle 9, Anna 7, Sophia 5, Kolbe 4, Catherine 21 mos., and Baby due 1/08
Smithflections
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Nina Murphy
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 18 2006
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1546
|
| Posted: June 19 2007 at 9:05pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I just have to say after reading this thread: I really think "tomato staking" is what makes the difference. And I need to do more of it.
__________________
God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Syncletica
Forum Pro
Joined: June 11 2007
Location: Canada
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 450
|
| Posted: June 19 2007 at 10:32pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
In my defense, I guess I'll first say that that I don't make him sit "for the Rosary". He sits on my lap, yes, but, he's also playing with the rosaries, drinking his water, playing with a toy, etc. What I am doing is training him to sit quietly, and just happen to be using the Rosary time to do it. They can get quite loud at times. But the whole purpose in training him to sit quiet is so that when we're in public he's used to it and won't throw the fits then.
With the authors of the books/site mentioned, as Pearl says, he's raised 5 whineless, begless children. How many of us can claim that? Elizabeth (?), authoress of rgt, (after throwing out all her child training books and modern ideologies that society wants to throw at us) has had 10 children, would love to have 10 more, b/c they are all such a joy to her. After her 4th one, which was when she changed her methods, not one of her toddlers has had tantrums. The basic thing is to catch them before they commit the misbehaviour, give a little swat, and say 'no'. When I say 'swat' I don't mean this huge overdone spank. Just a little something to make them associate a bit of pain or discomfort with the word 'no'. I must disagree that an 18 mo. old or even 12 or 10 mo. old doesn't know how to disobey. Set up a training session and see. For example, set something within their reach and tell them not to touch. Of course, they reach out to touch, then you give their hands a little 'thump' and say 'no'.(Before they actually touch). Continue that for a few min. and they'll get to understand what 'No, don't touch', means. Then when they think you're not looking, (but you are) they may try to touch again. Give their hand a 'thump'. They come to learn what 'no' means, esp. if it's consistent. The next time you tell them 'no don't touch' they'll know what you mean, esp. if you insist that they don't each time. It is essential that they do practice first time obedience b/c their very life could depend on it. If they don't obey the first time, and you allow it, they've been successfully trained to disobey. Delayed obedience is disobedience and should be treated as such. They should be taught and expected to obey right away and with a pleasant attitude. If they obey, but with slump in their shoulder, or a sigh or huff, that should also be treated as disobedience. God wants all of us to obey willingly and pleasantly, (so long as it's not sin, of course.) (Yes, God is all-merciful, but He's also all-just, and we ought not to become presumptuous.)Just imagine your little one in a parking lot or on the curb.(Not talking about an infant or toddler who should be holding your hand or held.) You see a car coming and if they don't stop right then and there the car will hit them. (Just a scenario.) If they haven't been trained to to stop, and only been trained to obey the second time around, they know they can keep going even if you did say stop. It hasn't been said twice yet. The child's parents will be held responsible because they trained them to obey only the second time around.
Bible Quotes to prove points: (Douay Rheims version - the direct translation from the Latin Vulgate):
Prov. 13:24 : He that spareth the rod HATETH his son: but he that loveth him, correcteth him betimes.
(My commentary states that : "God has always treated his friends in this manner, to preserve them from sin, or to increase their reward.)
Prov. 22:15 : Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, and the ROD OF CORRECTION shall drive it away.
Prov. 23:13,14 : Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou strike him with the rod, he shall not die.
Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell.
Of course, God's Word is not sanctioning child abuse, but it can't be denied that some 'corporal punishment' for lack of a better phrase, is condoned. So, if God Himself tells us to do it that way, who are we to tell Him we know better?
I like the idea of colouring a mystery during the Rosary. Perhaps that's something my 2 yr old can do when I get my printer back. Both my 6 and 4 yr. olds lead decades, they and my 2 yr. old turn the pages of the big book on our statue table, sometimes I help my 2 yr old lead a few Hail Mary's, she enjoys that.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
organiclilac
Forum All-Star
Joined: March 30 2006
Location: Illinois
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 640
|
| Posted: June 19 2007 at 11:34pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I would really, really caution against taking the Pearls' parenting advice. There was recently a child who died because his parents followed their advice. Popcak has a MUCH more realistic take on children's needs and developmental stages, and his views reflect Catholic teaching on the dignity of the human person.
__________________
Tracy, wife to Shawn, mama to Samuel (4/01) and Joseph (11/11), and Thomas (2/15)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Rebecca
Forum All-Star
Joined: Dec 30 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1898
|
| Posted: June 20 2007 at 12:21am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Syncletica wrote:
| )Just imagine your little one in a parking lot or on the curb.(Not talking about an infant or toddler who should be holding your hand or held.) You see a car coming and if they don't stop right then and there the car will hit them. (Just a scenario.) If they haven't been trained to to stop, and only been trained to obey the second time around, they know they can keep going even if you did say stop. |
|
|
I was very afraid of a situation like this arising when my oldest was small. It is a serious concern of mine because we live on a busy street where many cars travel much faster than they should. What I have observed with my four children is that because I rarely used the word "No" with the strong stern tone, my children knew that when I *do* say "No" in a serious voice, they listen right away.
Just my observation.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
cathochick
Forum Rookie
Joined: Nov 13 2006
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 78
|
| Posted: June 20 2007 at 12:25am | IP Logged
|
|
|
The rod verses are often used to support corporal punishment, but they can be interpreted in other ways as well. In our family, we choose not to use corporal punishment, but we don't permissively parent, either. I echo Tracy's caution against the Pearls' advice. It is behaviorism in an extreme form, that's about as charitably as I can phrase it.
"Which do you prefer? Shall I come to you with a rod, or with love and a gentle spirit?" First Corinthians 4:21
--Jessica
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Leonie
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2831
|
| Posted: June 20 2007 at 7:48am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Syncletica wrote:
With the authors of the books/site mentioned, as Pearl says, he's raised 5 whineless, begless children. How many of us can claim that? .
|
|
|
Without sounding like a bragger, I can claim to have done so. I have 7 sons, youngest is now 11. No, we don't spank but my children have been whineless and well behaved. Not perfect but nice kids to have around...Others have commented - now, and when all were little...
I write this only to show that one does not have to follow the advice of the Pearls et al, in order to have well behaved, polite, happy children.
It helps to anticipate needs, to think ahead to avoid situations, to cuddle, to distract, to remove oneself and the child in question, to work on ourselves as mothers.
Please don't think I am criticising, Synletica, just sharing another point of view...
__________________
Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Angi
Forum All-Star
Joined: March 23 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 521
|
| Posted: June 20 2007 at 8:27am | IP Logged
|
|
|
My children have never been hit and they on rarely whine in public. They do whine at home, but I believe that they are in their confy zone at home. Also, by the age of 2 all of my children (ages 2,2,3,5) know not to try to cross a street without me.'
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JennGM
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 17702
|
| Posted: June 20 2007 at 8:55am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Syncletica wrote:
| As for 'tomato staking' I find it hard to constantly be with them and catch them and stop them before they misbehave. I have many things causing me stress in my life at this time and can't seem to focus directly on that. Also, I basically never get a break. That makes things hard too, b/c I dread the next day and what it might bring. Sometimes it's not that bad, but other days my patience is nil. I am mostly melancholic and am always thinking. Many things I might miss simply b/c I am thinking so much. Sometimes I feel ready to throw in the towel. But, I guess, ol' pessimistic me has to realize that God and Our Lady won't let me down. Confidence, confidence, confidence. Must have more trust in them. |
|
|
You've gotten some very wise advice here. It's all advice...each family needs to find what works for them. I'm still a work in progress. I had a few thoughts that I've been mulling over for myself.
One thing is I understand about feeling like you don't get a break. There are so many times I feel so ragged that I just don't know if I can face the day. And when I blow it by losing my patience, it's hard for me to recover.
I had been talking with my mother yesterday and she was saying that is the biggest difference between adults and children. Children live in the present moment. Adults carry over (I have lots of melancholic, too). But being with children WE need to remember they aren't accumulating bad behavior, but look at actions individually, at the present moment. Only through grace can I get this done, especially on THOSE days.
I mentioned this elsewhere, but I also learned my mother had the practice of praying to the Holy Spirit at the end of the day, to help fill in gaps where she failed or missed, and to erase the memory in her child of her mistakes. I really like that, and do this, also.
Last week I had a wonderful opportunity to take Level I Training of Catechesis of the Good Shepherd. This training was a bit unique, because they incorporated much of Maria Montessori's philosophy and method as part of the course. While I never adhere totally to one method, there were points that made total sense to me.
One point was that the child forms the adult just as much as the adult forms the child. Our society lost this view, but it is in total keeping with Jesus' exhortation to become like little children. So I learn from my child, just as he learns from me. Some days it only seems like patience is what I'm learning...but there are other things.
There are so many books out there about "training" and "disciplining" and getting a child TO DO what YOU want them to do. Elizabeth's quote from Charlotte Mason is just so perfect. Discipline from without is just control, almost like a slave relationship. We need to help the child develop an inner disicipline.
To ask any young child to sit still is really an impossible task. They don't mean to wiggle, it's just how they learn, through all the senses, and by moving...it's part of the child's nature. We emulate the behavior, and I do think they will learn. It just takes time and lots of patience from my end.
My son is a very big wiggler since day 1 (and he's 3/12). I get impatient, not from the wiggling, but how it's up and down, twisting and raising my skirts, and now, being pregnant, I get poked and jabbed and it's a true cross. But it's not intentional, and I need to remember that.
As far as screaming, can the tantrum be traced that there's a communication gap and so now frustration? I find what works for young ones when they scream is distracting them from the moment. Change the venue or subject. If the screaming is just "I want" and it's something he can't have, I don't give it to him to make him stop, but try to provide something else.
Remember that a child can't sin until they reach the age of reason. While we are teaching them what it means to obey, they are a work in progress. Some actions aren't necessarily "disobedient" but just a clash or testing of their own free will and independence. Our family always joking refers to it as "that darn free will."
__________________
Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Syncletica
Forum Pro
Joined: June 11 2007
Location: Canada
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 450
|
| Posted: June 20 2007 at 9:37am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Thank you, ladies, for sharing with me.
Leonie, my hat's off to you! I have never met a Catholic family who I'd like to emulate. Perhaps you'd be a mentor?  Did you just use common sense? Or did some books help you? I'm basically doing all this myself, b/c my husband and I don't communicate well at all and virtually everything is left to me.
JennGM - I love your mother's idea of praying to the Holy Ghost to fill in the gaps. I'll have to start doing that myself. I know very well that a child doesn't actuaally sin before the age of reason. I was just trying to show that little ones can definitely disobey, (even though for them it's not a sin, yet.)
Rebecca - that is a good observation. When I mentioned training for 'no' I wasn't meaning yelling it, but quietly and calmly. So, when that's done rightly, then I can see where the urgent serious tone will evoke a proper response.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: child training - screaming, etc.
