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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: June 05 2009 at 2:57pm | IP Logged
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Father's Day is coming and I couldn't help but notice a connection between a couple of recent threads and how this is a subject near and dear to the hearts of many wives/mothers.
Earlier I watched Life on the Rock on EWTN. They were talking to Chase Hilgenbrinck (professional soccer player turned seminarian).
He mentioned repeatedly how much his father influenced his decision to follow God's call to the priesthood in his life. He mentioned how it was because of his father holding him accountable about attending mass and growing deeper in his faith that he was made aware of God's call in his life.
I hear often how much the father plays a significant role in the children's lives, often not realized by the children until later in their lives. Sadly we live in a day when most fathers are not an active part of their children's lives...if found in the home at all. 
In keeping w/ the threads mentioned above, I thought it might be good to look beyond a woman's view and examine the way(s) we can help our husband's be more pro-active in our children's lives and more spiritually tuned to their needs.
My intention for doing this is because I'm afraid some here might feel guilty (or that their family is a failure) because the father is not as faithfully active as others we read about. This causes deep sorrow to a woman's heart and can make her feel alienated and bitter even in the mist of good intentions.
This is not the place to flame or berate our spouses. This is meant to give one another support and ideas on "helping" our spouses becoming better husbands/ fathers; on looking at our "positive" responses/reactions to our husbands in order to equip them to be better men/husbands/fathers...especially regarding the raising of sons...and how to support our sisters in Christ whose husbands need our fervent prayers to draw them closer to God.
We want to raise up our families. We want to raise up our husbands. We want to encourage them while holding them accountable. Some might even feel they have a Kate-gene (over-controlling) and need to learn how not to berate their spouses.
We don't need to use personal examples. Let's just talk, and encourage, and share, and pray for one another.
I also thought now would be an excellent time to steep our hearts towards thoughts and prayers for the husbands God has blessed us with.
Here is a prayer I found at Catholic Online. I "tweaked" it to be read by either spouse:
Spouse's Prayer
O gracious Father, Maker and Preserver of heaven and earth, who in the beginning didst institute matrimony, thereby foreshadowing the mystical union of the Church with our Savior Christ, who, during His ministry upon earth, did honor marriage with His first miracle: help me, I pray Thee, by Thy grace to live in holiness and purity with the spouse whom Thou hast given me. Mortify in us all violence of earthly passion, all selfishness and inconsiderateness (here name any besetting sin which may be a hindrance to you), that I may love my spouse as Christ loved His Church, cherish and comfort him/her as my own body, and have as great care for his/her happiness as for my own. Grant that we may live in peace, without contention; in unity, without discord. [Give us, O Lord, discreet heart and understanding minds, to bring up our children in Thy faith and fear, that they may be obedient to Thee and to Thy commandments, and to all that Thou requirest of them in their duties towards their parents.] And give us, O Lord, a sufficiency of those things necessary to maintain ourselves and our family according to that rank and calling wherein Thou hast placed us, without excess or vainglory, in singleness and pureness of heart. Grant this for Jesus Christ's sake, to Whom, with Thee and the Holy Ghost, be all honor and glory, now and for ever. Amen.
May God bless all our families.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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Gloria JMJ
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Thank you Cay. This seems to come just when I need it. This subject has been on my mind as of late and I look foreward to any wisdom that come from others who have succeded in changing things for the better. Especially since my boys are trying to figure out what it means to be a man.
And thanks for the wonderful prayer!
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Smoothing Stones Holy Family Rosaries
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Mimip
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| Posted: June 06 2009 at 9:10am | IP Logged
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Cay,
Thank you for starting this thread. I have so much in my mind about this topic but the one thing that I feel is extremely important for our husbands is a yearly retreat.
They need time to reflect and grasp their vocations as well so I think some time in prayer over a weekend is wonderful for them.
I'll write more later today
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Mimi
Wife of 16 years to Tom, Mom of DD'00, DD'02, '04(in heaven) DS'05, DS'08 and DS '12
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MNMom
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Our marriage recently went through some rocky times and I found that lifting my dh in prayer regularly and looking for ways to vocally appreciate him really helped bring us to a whole new level. I think that there is a whole generation of dads out there who aren't sure what they're role in the family is. They need to hear lots of encouragement from their wives.
At first this was really difficult for me. I had so much anger built up from concentrating on his failings (in my eyes) that I had to do a lot of soul searching to come up with things I appreciated about him. After a while it got easier and now it's downright fun to see his eyes light up from just simple recognition of his value in our lives.
Just some thoughts....
Kim
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Gloria JMJ
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| Posted: June 06 2009 at 11:58am | IP Logged
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Kim,
Could you give some examples please? I would like to do this for him but I can't get around it sounding forced. Whenever I've tried this before, it seems he doesn't believe me, or just takes it lightly.
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Smoothing Stones Holy Family Rosaries
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Barbara C.
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Well, I think there's a lot to be said for the whole concept of Love Languages--looking at your own and your spouse's.
Although, it is really hard to overcome and try to meet their love language needs when it is so foreign to you. Some things are easier to fake-it-'til-you-make-it (gift giving, acts of service, physical touch) than others (words of affirmation).
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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KauaiCatholic
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| Posted: June 06 2009 at 2:35pm | IP Logged
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it is a bit simplistic, but this little "prayer of positive thinking" works wonders for me: I mentally run through a list of active verbs before my DH's name, such as "I adore him. I appreciate him. I respect him. I support him. with my body, I worship him." things like that; sort of a thesaurus approach to reminding me how good he is and keeping my thoughts positive. this really helped when I was struggling in the early years of our marriage (no serious problems, but we married a little later than many and I had some trouble adjusting to all the requirements of this new role as wife. ) sometimes I laughed at myself (I would find myself reaching for it in the middle of, say, listening to a long, detailed explanation of something that made my eyes glaze over) but it really worked.
thank you for starting this thread. this is something I need right now. I will be lifting up in prayer all the marriages here.
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 Viviane
Grateful mama of Jonah Augustine ('01), Sophia Marie ('05) and Luke Dominic ('10)
We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
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MNMom
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Gloria,
I spent a lot of time in confession. It helped me be more realistic about my own failings and I would specifically ask for the grace to see Christ in my dh and for humility. Have to conquer pride, if I'm going to let go of the control thing  I also find that it is helpful to comment positively about his strengths, rather than what he "does" for me. He needs to know he is loved for "who" he is, not what he does. This actually makes the compliments come more easily, because I can see how God has gifted him, regardless of how I feel at any specific moment. Plus, it reminds me to love him the way he is and not the way I want him to be. And I totally understand the fear of sounding insincere. For awhile he just didn't believe me (very humbling for me). So I kept right on praying for the right words. Humor helps, too, like "thanks for sticking with me for the past 18 years!"
I'd love to hear from anyone about how to gently approach the accountability issue that Kay mentioned. This one is a disaster for me. I'm a total "peace at an price" kind of person.
Oh, and I 2nd the retreat idea. Although it took many years of faithful prayer for it to actually happen at our house. Why are more men not willing to give this a try?
Praying for you all,
Kim
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teachingmyown
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Gloria, it may seem that your husband takes your kind words lightly, but he probably doesn't. They, like us wives also, need to hear little thank you's. Thank him for picking something up from the store. Thank him for making the effort to get home for dinner when it was a rough day at work. Meet him at the door with a drink when he gets home. Make the kids excited that he is walking through the door. All those "little" things tell him that you value him. It doesn't need to be anything gushy and planned out.
I went to a talk once during a Gospel Reflection series. The talk was about being faithful to our husbands. It almost seemed like a silly topic for this group of faithful Catholic women. However, what she said made a huge impact on my life. A couple of the points she made were that we are unfaithful to our husbands when we talk about him unfavorably to our friends. We are unfaithful to our husbands when we allow ourselves to find other men more attractive rather than elevating our man to that place in our minds. We are unfaithful when we complain in front of our children. We are unfaithful when we complain about money! (I had a hard time with this!  ) It is our job to do our best to be good stewards and to show gratitude for our husbands hard work, even if in our minds we may not believe he is working hard enough.
Things like this pointed out my role as wife in boosting up my man so that he feels strong enough to do better, work harder and be a better dad. No one excels if he is being torn down by the very person he wants the most to please.
You don't need to be silly. You just need to show him in a thousand little ways that he is your knight. He will rise to the occasion!
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Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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Anne
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| Posted: June 07 2009 at 10:42pm | IP Logged
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Wow! I am really enjoying the responses so far. (Cay, you hit the nail on the head!) I am at a place right now where I need good solid ways to lift up my DH right now.
Thank you ladies for the great ideas. Keep them coming. 
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Anne in TN
WIFE to Brett (91)
MOM to Rebecca(97), Catherine (99), Grace (99), Stephen (00) & 2 Angels in Heaven.
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knowloveserve
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I agree that there is MUCH to be said for treating men like MEN. Too many of us get caught up in nagging or pushing or prodding or berating (especially in public). I have found that men will rise to the occasion if they believe it is worth their time.
I used to struggle quite a bit wishing and waiting for dh to ENGAGE in the leadership aspect of our home... I felt like I was dragging him along all too often and he never stepped up.
I read somewhere that a man needs to know that he is respected and admired even more than he needs to know he is loved. Shocked me. I make a point now to always boost my dh up in public when it's applicable, compliment him in front of the children, express (and SHOW) my gratitude for how capable and handy he is around the home, how much I admire him when he takes time to play catch with the boys or the extremely rare occasion that he'll do the dishes, thank him profusely when he does something that has in the past been a big struggle for us (like consider the family before committing to outside engagements/jobs). The whole positive reinforcement thing works for more than just children! In these ways, I've helped weed the garden so to speak and prepare the way for his natural manhood and leadership to shine through.
Another thing that has been tremendously helpful for us came by way of discovering writings by James Stenson.
Dh is not a reader. At All. But God had mercy on us one day and someone gave him a tiny little 60 page book called "Succesful Fathers". We are not the self-help type of people and I didn't think dh would read it. But because it was such easy reading... and because someone other than his wife gave it to him... he read it. And then promptly asked me to get on Amazon and order 25 copies of it to give to all the dads we know. Which I did. He then ordered all of the other books James Stenson wrote and has since finished his second one (which is like a fuller, more in depth version of the first one) "Father, Family Protector".
Of all the parenting authors or relationship experts out there we've become familiar with so far (and there's been many now), I can absolutely say that James Stenson is the ONLY one with whom we agree 100% with what he says. His writings have been the catalyst to changing the dynamics in our family and our marriage.
Finally, I attribute a large part of dh's change of heart to St. Joseph... and novenas to him. I've prayed consistently for a holy husband and the incession of St. Joseph for our family.
To this day, despite the many crosses in my marriage (we all have them in some form), and little things I still struggle with regarding dh's actions/words and such, I am enormously thankful for his single greatest attribute... and that is his devotion to raising his children properly and developing their character in an active, involved, sacrificial way. I see the absence of this in so many families and I can't thank God enough for allowing me to marry a man who despite his flaws, is an awesome, awesome father.
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Ellie
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SuzanneG
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Bumping this, as it's in my "favorites" and I read Cay's words from time to time.
And, linking Barb-Harmony-Art-Mom's recent post: Observations About Dads
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Suzanne in ID
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Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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MaryM
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Bumping for Father's Day 2013.
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Mary M. in Denver
Our Domestic Church
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: A Father's Influence
