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myheaven1967
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| Posted: May 18 2015 at 2:59pm | IP Logged
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I am really struggling and realize I need to find a way to handle it.Two of my boys are on the autism spectrum. As of late, my husbands work schedule changed and it is just me taking four boys to Church. Sometimes my oldest is an Alter Server, and so that makes things a *little* bit easier. But my going to be 9 year old and my 4 year old are making Church.... Unappealing.
I struggle through Mass. I barely catch much of any of the readings. I sort of catch the homily. I am not always on time with the prayers.
My four year old chatters ALL the way through Church. I find my almost 9 year old UNDER the pew. I find no spiritual time with this. Just chaos.
Some people will sit in the same pew with us, but there are other times, we get into the pew, and couples relocate to another part of Church. Which is utterly embarrassing.
I have tried to talk to others and they just say oh it's ok. Atleast they are in Church. But what they don't understand is that I am exhausted when Mass is over.
I found this article on Pinterest, and then realized I am not alone. But how do I move forward??
Why Church is a burden
My four year old is very oral, I was seriously considering giving him a sucker at the beginning of Mass.
Help? Advice?
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Jill: Wife to Kurt, mother to 1 dd and 4 ds
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mylonite
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| Posted: May 18 2015 at 3:23pm | IP Logged
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I don't have much in the way of help or advice but I can completely relate. My son is in the process of being diagnosed with Autism and so I hear you on the exhaustion factor.
For years, I would leave Mass either in tears, bone tired, or having an anxiety attack (or all three). We got plenty of stink-eye and had basically tried everything we could think of. My son's behavior was spilling over into his sisters and it was just a horrible, horrible mess.
By pure accident we discovered that loud places, places with lots of people, and cavernous buildings completely freak out my son. The parish we went to was large, had an amazing organ that was used each Mass, and had a lot of families registered - not a bad thing! Just overwhelming for my son, and he would just lose his mind. We ended up switching parishes to a smaller parish, and while we still have some issues it's not NEARLY as bad as before. We try to keep him engaged as possible with the Mass, but the pastor knows our situation (and told us of a sensory friendly room he has available during Mass as there are a couple other kiddos who have Autism in the parish), and best of all - no stink-eye!
(I should note my DS would also end up under the pew, which we think is because he was too overwhelmed in a big building and was trying to find a small place to hide in. Not sure if that's the same motivation for your DS though!)
We still need to take him to the cry room every now and then (when he wants to make truck noises), but at least I don't feel the overwhelming dread and anxiety of going to Mass anymore.
I think bringing a sucker or a rubber "chewelry" type thing would be completely fine, since he's just a little guy. Would it make the 9 year old want it though? I let my DS wear his Batman clothes and bring his (quiet) Batman toys to Mass, because it's just not worth it to take them away and then expect him to stay regulated.
I hope you get more constructive advice, this is a new journey for us so I don't feel like I have much to offer you. Buuuuut I can definitely offer you many hugs and prayers and a "I hear you" on the exhaustion of it all. God love you!! 
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~ Kim
Mama to DD1 (6), DS (5), DD2 (2), DD3 (1), DS2 (08/16)
Mama also to four in Heaven
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myheaven1967
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| Posted: May 18 2015 at 3:34pm | IP Logged
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My 9 year old has a chewy necklace. Duh I never thought of getting my 4 year old one. How silly of me.
The 9 year old does not like big places, you are right.
Our parish is an OLD OLD Church and does not have a cry room. The only one I know of is 20 plus miles away. 
Not realistic. I tend to have to walk to Church and so..... That is a bit far to walk. LOL
I have not spoken to our Priest about it. Should I? I have been thinking about that.
The woman that runs the Sunday School program does understand about my 9 year old.
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Jill: Wife to Kurt, mother to 1 dd and 4 ds
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mylonite
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| Posted: May 18 2015 at 7:19pm | IP Logged
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The parish we were at was just like that - very old, no cry room (no place really to go when there's sensory overloads or meltdowns). It's like, "what do I do???" when there's meltdowns. We would sit in the car. Which wasn't very feasible in the winter. It was like a big echo chamber actually, and the wails just reverberated around the building. Everyone knew when my kids were losing their minds, even when we stepped out of the nave. 
I approached the pastor at the last parish to tell him 'this is our situation' and see what we could do. Not much, unfortunately. :( It was a very hard decision to make, to leave; since we had been at that parish for a long time.
I would talk with your priest and see if there's a solution you and him can reach, especially since there isn't another parish in walking distance. Is it all Masses that are a struggle? Or just the Sunday Masses? Maybe a daily Mass may be more their speed? In addition to chewlery, would weighted blankets or vests help? Ear plugs to help with noise?
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~ Kim
Mama to DD1 (6), DS (5), DD2 (2), DD3 (1), DS2 (08/16)
Mama also to four in Heaven
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stellamaris
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| Posted: May 18 2015 at 8:15pm | IP Logged
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My son for years wore noise-canceling headphones because the ringing of the bells would cause major hysteria. He is now able to sit through Mass, but it took a long time and a lot of consistent training. He also tends to be a "talker" and I spend a lot of time reminding him he is speaking aloud. He does respond correctly when I remind him, so we are making progress. A few weeks he didn't get a donut when the other boys did because he was talking and wouldn't be quiet when I reminded him. I don't know how severe your sons' situations are, but if they can understand and respond to correction, I would encourage you to keep trying. If not, then you have to accept where you are in terms of their behavior. It would be helpful for the other people in the church to know what your difficulties are--we are here to bear one another's burdens.
I wonder if there would be someone who could attend Mass with you. That way, each child could have a 'dedicated' adult to help with the training. There may even be retired teachers or special needs instructors (or even a mom who has struggled like you) in your parish who might love to help you.
I certainly would talk to the priest, not only about the boys' situations but also about your own spiritual struggles and how you might nourish yourself spiritually.
Is there any way you can attend Mass alone occasionally? Maybe a daily Mass when your dh is home?
Another thought is to leave your 4 year old with a sitter and take the 9 year old to Mass until you get him to a place where he is comfortable and can behave as you expect. Then start bringing the younger child. It helps if the older ones can model at least to some degree the correct behavior.
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to  dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
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myheaven1967
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| Posted: May 18 2015 at 8:28pm | IP Logged
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I would have thought with my older son being a very well behaved person in Church, as he is almost 12, would have had *some* influence on the rest of them.. But alas that is not the case. My 4 year old IS a talker. It drives me nuts. I have tried bringing something for him to do, just a single toy, and nothing. I almost think the nothing is worse! He sets up a computer, laptop of course, with the pew book and prayer sheet! And then proceeds to act things out during Mass. Yes, I have to ask him many many times, to be quiet in Mass. He does not respond. If I hold him, sometimes that will keep him quiet. But he is 4.5 and growing bigger and I am 5 foot 4 and 111 pounds.... He gets awkward to say the least.
When my husband was attending with us, he would have 2 boys at one end of the pew, and I would have 2 at the other end of the pew. It was still horrible, and we don't pray together, as a team, as husband and wife but as individuals. That is sad too.
I sent the secretary an e-mail explaining the situation and telling her I would like to speak with our Priest. I did try daily Mass last summer or the summer before. Not good either.
It is so tiring.
Yes, husband and I could go separately. Not ideal, but we could make it work, some of the time. Yet my oldest boy is seriously considering priesthood..
He would go to Mass every time he could.
Where do these children come from?
I love them dearly, all of them, but they tire me some times.
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Jill: Wife to Kurt, mother to 1 dd and 4 ds
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myheaven1967
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Kim, I have been thinking about weighted things for a little while now. I never thought of it in this setting though! Good idea.
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Jill: Wife to Kurt, mother to 1 dd and 4 ds
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mom3aut1not
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| Posted: May 18 2015 at 9:45pm | IP Logged
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Hi!
I know your pain. Fortunately, my auties are now older, and our parish is uncomplaining. My oldest autie is 29 now and stands at the back of the church behind the pews. My middle autie at 27 usually sits in the pew throughout mass (avoiding standing up because it often makes her feel bad), and my 15 yo autie wears headphones whenever the organ plays. This is a lot easier than it was years ago! Also, it helps that I don't care if people glare. If these things make it possible for my kids to attend mass, then it's more than okay to me.
At one parish many years ago, the priest actually dispensed me from Mass attendance if my dh was out of town -- he really disliked my middle autie and me. She would pace back and forth and back and forth, and there was nothing I could do about it unless I wanted her to completely lose it. I remember leaving the church in tears on at least one occasion. Things that wound up working for that one -- a bag packed with beautiful pictures books -- 20 or more, cry rooms when available, space when possible, and time. With my youngest autie, cry rooms when possible and a bag of amusements. With him it helped that he had three big sisters....Our current parish is very small and that was helpful as were some of the people there. (One of the ushers made sure to let us know that J was welcome there shortly after we started attending Mass there. In fact, J was just confirmed recently, and the DRE and the pastor really went out of their way to help us and make it special for J.)
As far as being able to focus on the Mass, I figure if I make the effort I can with the kids that he gave me, than it should be all right. God knows your challenges. In the future you will be able to attend more to the Mass itself. Time should help. Mothering is a long-term project, and things will improve.
One thing to keep in mind in the future -- two of my auties could not tolerate organ music in adolescence. One is okay with it now although she thinks it's too loud, and the other is still using his headphones.
One last thing -- as I was in labor each time, I offered my child to God as a religious or priest or whatever. I guess He wanted me to have three ASD kids and one with other issues. I don't know exactly how this will play out for His glory, but it seems that this is what He has planned for our family.
When I think of how challenging things were and how they are now --- well, be of stout heart. Things will get better!
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Deborah
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 18 2015 at 11:14pm | IP Logged
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While I don't have any children on the spectrum (well unless you include ADD then maybe).. I had many small people at once and a dh that works wildland fire so I was often alone.. and I remember coming out of Mass sweaty and exhausted... week after week.
So many people would tell me.. you're getting the children there.. you'll have time to hear what's being said.. that I think I finally started to believe them. My prayer many mornings before Mass started was something along the lines of "Good Morning Jesus, I got them here". And mothers with children in difficult stages for whatever reason, I believe, give the most heartfelt "Thanks be to God" when the Mass has ended. 
I know you're dealing with something different than what most people will consider age appropriate behavior. But even with age appropriate behavior it was always amazing to me how many people would be so offended by small noises. Somehow a child shifting in the pew was a criminal offense even though adults made just as much noise. So just realize that there are people that are too easily offended no matter what and it's not your job to make them happy. And you're not alone even when it feels like it. There's moms out there always, with children in a difficult stage that deal with being exhausted by attending Mass. It's hard work, but it's a good work. The kids even when they're the cause, seem to know when mom is putting in that effort and anything a parent puts effort into holds importance to the child as well. We see it all the time in scouts.. the parents that show up have the boys that want to be there and advance.
I rarely heard any of the homily.. Sometimes the readings but I did better to either read those before Mass, maybe Saturday evening so that when I caught bits of it during Mass I would know what it was about. But going to Mass during that time wasn't about me. It was about getting the kids there and knowing that just doing that much would bring graces for the kids and I that we wouldn't otherwise have.
I filled that space that missing the thinking time, the intellectual stimulation about our faith time, by reading good books, listening to radio programs or homilies online during times when I could pay attention. And music. For me I learn lyrics quite quickly and they can touch me in ways that the words without music fail to do. I got the music like we heard in our church. So that I'd learn those songs and could sing along without relying on books while I was at Mass and my hands too busy to even consider trying to glance at a music book. It didn't always work, but it helped.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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3ringcircus
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| Posted: May 19 2015 at 8:57am | IP Logged
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My sister just walked out of Mass in tears. Her little boy may be on the spectrum--he's changing before her eyes. I know I have had my share, although my boy w/ "issues' (haven't gotten a good dx except for SPD) has settled down in the last couple of years. I don't have any advice, just ((hugs)), prayers, and some empathy. Our society has more and more people with autism and neuro-atypical issues. And they are in Catholic families too. God bless you for bringing your kids to church. I can bet there are families in all of our parishes that aren't coming because they are afraid of judgement. How sad that these special kids and their families are being left out.
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Christine
Mom to my circus of boys: G-1/06, D-1/04, S-4/10
Started HS in Fall'12
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4Real Forums : Special Blessings
Topic: Autism and Mass
