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Elizabeth
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| Posted: May 16 2006 at 7:39am | IP Logged
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I was reading this post on Lissa's blog and thinking how much it sounded like my philosophy of teaching language arts and how similar her house was to mind in this regard. We both write for publication and we both have husbands who work at home, writing for their trades (hers writes comic books, among other things; mine writes television productions). Our children see writing and the publishing process modeled in a very real way. They hear great literature read aloud and they have our willing fingers to record every nuance of a narration with enthusiasm. For the most part, children in these home flourish into eloquent writers and voracious readers.
But moms of children with learning challenges know that not all children blossom from eager listeners and narraters to fluent writers. Some of them need much, much more support to read on their own and to put words on paper. They don't absorb rules of grammar and punctuation though they've been exposed to print all their lives. They don't see patterns in spelling, don't remember how a word "looks." Even the very act of holding and pushing a pencil or sitting at a keyboard is a struggle. You think it will resolve itself. You think he'll grow into this lifestyle. But he doesn't.
I thought of every other mom with a child like this today as I read that post and I thought of all the times I've written something similar. And then I thought of a fourteen-year-old boy who struggles to read and struggles to express himself on paper in a household full of living writing. What a lonely place that must be sometimes!
No solutions. No words of wisdom. We're spending our summer consulting with experts. Just wanted a place to cry a little this morning and to admit that sometimes it's not as simple as we'd hoped it would be.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Lissa
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{{{{{Elizabeth}}}} This is exactly why I began that post with a disclaimer about my qualifications for answering people's language arts questions, because at this point Scott and I are able to take the girls' facility with language for granted. Alice and I were talking the other day about how different things are likely to be with my Wonderboy--for starters, I'm guessing that learning to read and spell will be a challenge for him, since he can't hear certain consonants. As with everything else, we'll take it as it comes... 
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Dawn
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| Posted: May 16 2006 at 8:01am | IP Logged
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Elizabeth wrote:
| No solutions. No words of wisdom. We're spending our summer consulting with experts. Just wanted a place to cry a little this morning and to admit that sometimes it's not as simple as we'd hoped it would be. |
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Oh, Elizabeth, I am feeling for you.  No words of wisdom here either, but hugs of comfort and empathy. As we have talked about, I am dealing with a similar issue but on a much younger scale. My little guy loves books, but only on his terms (he holds the book, he turns the pages, he decides when it's The End). No real follow up either; narrations don't come easy when your speech is delayed ... I was reading aloud to my 6 yo a gorgeous picture book and 4 yo was hovering nearby. I so wished he could just sit with us and watch as we turned every page, but he can't. He wants to, he's interested, but he can't right now. Maybe he never will, we don't know. It's a long road and not a simple one, that's for sure.
I'm speaking in circles now. Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and commiserating and keeping you in my prayers!
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Donna
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| Posted: May 16 2006 at 8:20am | IP Logged
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Elizabeth wrote:
| I thought of every other mom with a child like this today as I read that post and I thought of all the times I've written something similar. And then I thought of a fourteen-year-old boy who struggles to read and struggles to express himself on paper in a household full of living writing. |
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Same situation except my son is 13. I've cried many tears worrying about whether or not I'm messing him up. Could someone else do a better job? Should he really be in school with an expert? What new approach should I be taking? And on and on.....
But, lately my thoughts are changing. Maybe God doesn't want him to be an excellent writer, maybe spelling is not all that important for the path God has laid out for him. Maybe his gifts come from a totally different direction.
Not sure of all this....but I do know that Jackson is a kind, loving, caring brother and son who puts his family first. He's responsible, hard working, and always wears a smile. His gift may not be writing and spelling...but the world does need those who have other gifts as well.
to you.
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Donna
DH, Keven
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Moments Like These
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: May 16 2006 at 8:31am | IP Logged
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Lissa wrote:
{{{{{Elizabeth}}}} This is exactly why I began that post with a disclaimer about my qualifications for answering people's language arts questions, because at this point Scott and I are able to take the girls' facility with language for granted. Alice and I were talking the other day about how different things are likely to be with my Wonderboy--for starters, I'm guessing that learning to read and spell will be a challenge for him, since he can't hear certain consonants. As with everything else, we'll take it as it comes...
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And I wasn't criticizing your post at all.I do hope you weren't offended. It just really hit me this morning how lonely it must be for a child who struggles with literacy in a house that thrives on it...
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Lissa
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Oh goodness no, not offended in the least! I just always feel a little uncomfortable answering people's language arts questions (on the blog, at conferences, etc) because I sense our situation isn't typical and I don't know that my advice applies. Actually, it's the same thing with the whole "how do you do it all" question--my "how I do it all" is such an unusual situation, with hubby and I both basically working part time jobs in the home, splitting the housework. I usually feel like my advice in these areas isn't worth much (but I go on obligingly dishing it out anyway...). 
Re the literacy struggle...I bet it's different when it sort of sneaks up on you like w/ your son. With Stevie, we're anticipating the possibility for certain problems at the outset, which means every step forward will feel like a success whenever it happens. They told us he might never walk or would probably need a walker, and here he is trotting all over the house and we are delirious with excitment--never mind that he still can't get himself up off the floor without help at 2+ yrs of age.
But when a problem isn't evident in the early years and you aren't expecting it, that's got to hit mom & dad in a totally different way. You're still adjusting to the 'diagnosis,' so to speak. (And I know you're still hunting for the actual diagnosis, actual or metaphorical, and the best treatment protocol.) (Sigh...will I ever stop thinking of life in terms of cancer metaphors? I know you can relate...)
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mumofsix
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Elizabeth, I know what you mean.
I enjoyed Lissa's post, and it is very relevant for all "normal" children so very worthwhile. I particularly like the insight that not every narration should be written down, only the occasional one: that is what we do.
Re your ds 14, my ds 18 sounds similar in some ways. And yes I think it can be a lonely place, a very literate and articulate family (even our son with Down's Syndrome loves to read) when you yourself have different talents.
What I would say is this: there is plenty of time. I know it doesn't feel like that at age 14. You are embarking on high school, and there is ONLY (gasp) four or at most five years left  . I remember feeling a great deal of panic at that stage. Four years on, my son has made definite progress academically: he reads well and writes adequately, though dislikes writing and does not have brilliant spelling skills. He completed the exams at age 16 reasonably well, though dropped out the year afterwards so still has to make up the last two years of high school (level 3 in our system).
He has spent this year finding out that he does have to complete high school if he wants a future involving more than a succession of temporary minimum wage jobs. He has a college place to start in September to study for a qualification that is equivalent to the course he dropped out of but more practical and vocationally oriented. It still involves quite a bit of reading and writing. (EVERYTHING does these days, which makes life harder for our learning disabled children.) If he completes this course, he will be able to go on to university if he wants to, and study for a career in social work or probation work or nursing, or something similar. He is inspired with the thought of working with asylum seekers. (I think he identifies with them as fellow "outsiders"  .)
He still lacks confidence, but life has taught him a lot this year, and I think he will go for it. He is certainly motivated to study in a way that he has never been before.
Your son may not get his high school diploma at age 18. He may need to work for a while at poorly paid jobs before he gets the motivation to study. So what? It is HARD for these youngsters so they need to be very sure that it is worth it.
I do wish you well, as this is hard on homeschooling mothers emotionally, and of-course on the child.
Jane.
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Willa
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I know a couple of families where several or all the children struggle with literacy issues. Not just late readers or writers but vision tracking difficulties or subtle processing disorders. Not related to the upbringing or education. But yet, this is demoralizing especially to the homeschool mom involved. She will be told by others, and feel herself, that somehow she is "doing it wrong", "not trying hard enough" and all the rest of it. How difficult to take all this negativity and yet not transfer it to the kids somehow.
I think it's true what Lissa says -- when you know your kid will have various challenges it is easier to celebrate all the milestones. Aidan has a very positive attitude partly because we are continually thrilled with some new step he has taken. Not only that, but we see the wonderfulness of his actual strengths. His "genius" moments where he transcends what we would expect of him. His beautiful and creative analogies, where he points out what something looks like and makes us see it in a new way. It's harder to see it that way when the child is more typical, probably.
My 13yo doesn't like to write and doesn't have spelling and punctuation mastered yet. He is solidly competent in other areas so I can't bring myself to worry much about the writing yet. My past three kids have brought themselves up to speed very quickly when they wanted to and were ready. We'll see. Meanwhile, it doesn't seem to bother him that he lives with a bunch of writers and isn't one himself yet. My husband uses writing as a tool, like computer programming, not really a means of personal expression, and I kind of expect that Sean will be like that too -- he's a more practical and activity oriented guy than my other ones.
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Willa
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Cay Gibson
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Elizabeth,
Basically I have two boys who don't have a literary (much less a language arts) bone in their body.
So...after years of frustration and agonizing over it via way of different curriculums...I let it go.
I simply let it go.
I focused on reading aloud to them (which I know you already do) and I'm still reading aloud to the 13 yr old.
They can read just fine but comprehension is lacking and that's due to coming into this reading immersion learning later in my mothering. Or is it...?
My 16 yr old dd was probably the child least read too and she excells in anything and everything. The 8 yr old is writing notebooks of stories and makes lists without stopping. THey are amazing to watch in the literary sensse.
The boys are another story... (excuse the pun)
I had to literally sit down with the 18 yr old the other day to discuss... <GULP!>...thank you notes (said in a slightly embarrassed  squeezy voice).
Yes, indeed. The problem wasn't that he couldn't write the thank you cards, he was just overwhelmed in wanting to put too much in them and it was basically paralyzing him from doing a simple, simple task. He wanted to thank the people for coming to his party, for the gifts and money, to share his future plans and why he was taking this route instead of college, ya-da, ya-da, ya-da. I told him that was not all necessary in a thank you card. Keep it simple.
I had to take out past graduate thank you cards that his friends and our family have sent to us in the past (yes, I keep things like that ) and show them to him so he'd have an understanding of what to write. I guess we never did a lot of thank you notes during school time. Our formula was to call people and tell them 'Thank you' because I was trying to make him more vocal. He's very well composed now when speaking to people and has no trouble approaching people at places of business and gathering, but he can't write a simple thank you note.
The point I'm getting at in letting go of the anxiety is to embrace the child...not the paper trail. And I know I'm repeating stuff you already know but, for the sake of this pep talk, I'll continue. 
I've read to the boys and even spent Corey's final years of hsing allowing him to read books that he didn't read during his middle school years. He fell in love with My Side of the Mountain and Where the Red Fern Growns and others along that subject line.
His very last graduation gift from us was a 10 volume set of the Foxfire series. To hear him say, "This is awesome!" over a box of books made my day.
He appreciates the written word so I feel I've succeeded in a big way. No, he doen't score well in LA on tests. His writing skills are still lacking. But I don't look at those things as stopping his love for learning and his sense of accomplishment. I look at the things he's good at and the things he loves to do.
One day Kayleigh came to me after observing her brother change the oil in the vehicles, build something for a friend's science fair project, and measure Kayleigh's room to begin laying down the wood planks and said, "Mom, I can't do what Corey does. I really don't know what I'm going to do when I get out of school."
I believe she's looking into the medical field and will possibly (one day) make more money than this older brother. But the fact is that all her life she will probably have to go to this older brother for help with house building projects, house repairs, vehicle repairs, and work related projects in general.
To put Corey sitting at typewriter to write would be like setting a grasshopper in an antpile. In confusion and anxiety, he'd be hopping around like crazy...completely out of his comfort zone and intented environment. He doesn't know the structure or the nuances or the procedure of building an anthill. In short, he doesn't have a clue. Not that I didn't try to teach him, not that I didn't buy curriculums and go over the process with him. I did! But God did not make Corey into a writer or an English major or a scholar. He didn't make him into anything I wanted. Instead, he made him into something our family needed. He made him into a hard worker who can learn anything with his hands, can build anything with his hands...why! by-golly!...he made him into a grasshopper instead of an ant!  He's a jack-of-all-trades and I know this talent for problem solving will be met with respect and admiration in the world at large. It already is.
I've read two separate articles that, because of the push for college learning, the trades are hurting. It'll be a raw deal if America gets to the point of lots of educated desk people (of which I am proudly one ) and we are short on people who know how to actually work (if you know what I mean) .
Chances are your ds may never embrace the literary lifestyle. God may have something totally else in mind...and it'll be a blessing to the whole family.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
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Taffy
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I don't have any words of wisdom but wanted to mention that we empathize. My PDD boy really struggles in this area.
One thing that I've been looking into and has been helping is to provide a structure. I'm not sure how to describe it... using cloze procedure helps (reading the sentence and stopping to have ds fill in the blank). Going through a narration very slowly with lots of help. Reading the story several times and breaking things down into small steps. It's a learning process.
Oh well, maybe he's destined to be an engineer or computer programmer?
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momtomany
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| Posted: May 30 2006 at 7:45am | IP Logged
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Donna wrote:
Elizabeth wrote:
| I thought of every other mom with a child like this today as I read that post and I thought of all the times I've written something similar. And then I thought of a fourteen-year-old boy who struggles to read and struggles to express himself on paper in a household full of living writing. |
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Same situation except my son is 13. I've cried many tears worrying about whether or not I'm messing him up. Could someone else do a better job? Should he really be in school with an expert? What new approach should I be taking? And on and on.....
But, lately my thoughts are changing. Maybe God doesn't want him to be an excellent writer, maybe spelling is not all that important for the path God has laid out for him. Maybe his gifts come from a totally different direction.
Not sure of all this....but I do know that Jackson is a kind, loving, caring brother and son who puts his family first. He's responsible, hard working, and always wears a smile. His gift may not be writing and spelling...but the world does need those who have other gifts as well.
to you. |
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Donna, beautiful post. My special needs guy is only 11, but as he struggles with reading and math, sometimes my heart breaks. Yet just when I'm discouraged with his progress, he does something like recite all the prayers of the Consecration by heart. He is sweet and loving and solid in his faith. He does have many other wonderful gifts.
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Mary Ann in PA
wife to MIchael, mom to Elizabeth, Becca, Tim, Peter, Andrew, Sarah, Matthew, John, Leah and Joseph
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ALmom
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Oh, Elizabeth! Thank you for your post! It is affirming of sorts in the struggles that we have been through. And lots of hugs and prayers for you as you begin your search for answers.
We have dealt with vision problems in our house for many, many years. But it wasn't obvious at first. I just wondered why my dc didnt' take off. What were we doing wrong. I started with a real learning lifestyle before anyone I knew of was talking about it. We didn't want to push our dc too early,we read aloud all the time and discovered connections in the different things we read, went on rabbit trails as far as the read alouds went - but then dc still didn't seem to pick up a book on their own much - sometimes they would just read an interesting part, seemed stuck on picture books, balked big time at ANY writing of any kind. I knew these kids were bright by the way they spoke with me - one dd would do extemporaneous speaches that were awesome - then froze up when encouraged to write them down. I didn't get excited when second dc didn't learn to read at 6, 7, even 8 though I wondered why the dc would never stay still. I would gently introduce something and back off when they didn't seem ready. But then I started noticing other things - and wondering and then losing all confidence in the approaches we had tried. I wondered why other moms seemed able to do all these wonderful things with dc and I would see 3 and 4 yo dc in other families and their projects or written work was way beyond anything my dc seemed able to do and mine didn't even seem to be close to getting there - and worse yet didn't seem to make much progress no matter what we did - even investing tons in Montisorri type materials, sand paper letters, etc. We tried some aspect of every method under the sun at some point or other. It really didn't seem to make a difference - only left us all stressed and exhausted and totally unsure about anything. If I hadn't had at least one child learn to read at home, I think I would have simply concluded that I was a total failure as a teacher and put everyone back in school. Thankfully our oldest did learn to read at home - but then at some point her schooling got lost while we were struggling to help the second - and turns out she was getting more and more frustrated. By the time we found dd #2 problem, we were discovering that dd #1 had something going on as well - but we could only focus one at a time and dd #2 had obviously more severe problems so she got therapy first. Then we went to oldest, etc. down the line after that.
In the search for answers before we even knew if we were dealing with a problem, I became ashamed that I had ever even thought that ADD wasn't real because maybe that was what we were dealing with. Perhaps we hadn't had enough structure in our home. Then we went to observing the child in a serious way because I wanted to find out what would help her - we were homeschooling after all and we would simply adjust our school to her learning style. Well there seemed to be no rhyme nor reason to good days vs bad days - and a good day was 5 minutes of concentration for the whole day! We went to eye doctors that told us nothing was wrong - she had 20/20 vision and was finally learning to blend some words so maybe she was just starting late. But I was exhausted working with the child, she was frustrated, neither of us knew what was going on. The child still wrote most of her letters backwards at 9, could barely sound out words and could not work a basic math page in a workbook. Something just made me convinced that there was something more than just a tracking problem - maybe it was discovering that the dc could not do jumping jacks, moved her book all over the world when trying to read. We noticed that this child, even at 9, would revert to using her hands to eat rather than a fork. She never had her shoes on the right foot. We went back to the doctors and again told nothing was wrong. We went back to 4 different doctors and they all said the same thing. But my mother's heart just knew differently - but there was a fear that maybe they were right and we had done something terrribly wrong in this homeschooling experiment. Maybe we started introducing things too early or too late. Maybe I just wasn't a great teacher. It was so hard to know what to do with no diagnosis - only suspcions and the obvious struggle of the child. She was very, very quiet - beautiful, caring child with plenty of creative talent, a verbal vocabulary out of this world - but she also began to notice too. Her friends were dividing and writing in cursive. She was still struggling to read, to print her letters facing the right way, to add 2 numbers - though I did discover that if I wrote very, very large and spaced problems out very far on a page, she could do them. But it had to be big enough and spaced enough that I could only put 5 problems on an 8 1/2 by 11.
I began to insist that there was something going on with her vision - and we eventually found a doctor that found it. Then we had to make another decision about what to do. It seems like all the close work was playing tug of war with her eyes and she was alternately shutting an eye off (or at least we concluded the tug of war between close work and suppression as parents from our gut instinct). No wonder it was hard to read - things must have been flashing in and out on her as one eye turned off and another turned on. We made the decision to do whatever minimal we had to to be in compliance with state law. But we were working with wonderful therapists and doctors who were used to children in the system - some thought we should be trying to play academic catch-up. We felt differently - but were going from sheer parent instinct and had no studies, no one else who had been there to talk to to encourage us and most felt that it should have been a dead giveaway that our dc had a problem since she wasn't reading at 5. It was hard not to doubt our own choices. Fortunately we stuck to our guns and found one very supportive therapist that worked with us and was the go between with the doctor who was more used to the traditional route - but superb at diagnosing and treating our dd problem.
In our case - 3 hours or 3 subjects met state laws. I did a lot of oral reading - I always read out loud, we did tons of work on therapy, we talked about our faith and I read out loud in this and I put 5 problems on a page for math. For almost 1 year, that was our school day. Sometimes the academics took 5 minutes and therapy took most of the rest of the day. I also had other dc, and they needed me. It was exhausting. Then I would read something and worry that I had done something wrong to cause her to have so many extra struggles or I would worry about what would happen if we were challenged - she certainly would not have tested well and I had next to no written work. Thankfully our church school administrator understood and supported us. She never complained about the quality of the written work we handed in for our sample (generally our scrawled math sheet)as we had told her what we were doing.
Now even after vision was corrected in this child, it was always an internal fight not to panic. We were "behind" in everything. I stopped reading What Your Child Should Know in ... type books. They just created more panic. We began to close out the outside world a bit and try to just focus on where we were and what the next step was. I no longer had any idea what method/ philosophy to follow and there weren't too many Catholics homeschooling back then so we just went by a wing and a prayer. We made it, but there were certainly moments I'd cry quietly with dh, because we had no idea where this was all to lead - and what effect the delayed diagnosis would cause. Was it our fault that we missed the signs of the problem? Would we have noticed them sooner if we had been doing things more traditionally and started schooling sooner instead of following the Better Late than Early? Then there were the doubts the other way, did the eye problem develop because we did a brief and gentle intro of phonics for a month when she was 6? I know now that none of this is true - but you love your child and you wonder, knowing that the problem is correctable with work (and much easier the younger it is found) and that it wasn't found young enough for the child to develop a lot of the skills commonly developed at that age - both eye skills and coordination skills and skills integrating brain and senses. I wanted to know why and eventually had to accept that that really isn't clearly understood. In our case, I think she simply was born with some very weak eye muscles and from infancy began to shut off the eyes. Looking back I could remember the sort of spacey look like she wasn't focusing - other people would notice too. I remember how she never followed a rattle as a baby, etc. But these were all so subtle and I now firmly believe that had she been anywhere but home, it would have taken even longer to detect the problem. She is now fine - but we didn't know this as we were going along - but do we ever really know this.
It has changed some things about how we have done things in our house. We do some things earlier than we would have otherwise but keep close work very light for many years- and look for large print, lots of contrasts, etc. But I do insist on writing something minimal everyday - even if it is a simple sentence in answer to a CHC worksheet. I don't care if we finish these workbooks as much as that we continue to practice some of the skills that vision problems have delayed - but I don't start school until therapy is completed unless I have to wing it some for state law. All my dc get their eyes tested by this doctor on a regular basis. I want to know what we are dealing with from the start. It makes life easier for all of us!
We found out our oldest had some vision problems too - she was about 16 at the time and got sick to her stomach from close work after about 20 minutes - no wonder she picked books to read by their length more than anything else. All of our other dc suppressed like our 2nd. In all of these cases except one, they did catch up with eye/ processing skills that they had missed with a little bit of therapy along with the vision therapy. It seemed to just take care of itself when the eyes were corrected. With one of our sons that hasn't happened and we are struggling to find answers again. But now we are all exhausted from years of vision therapy (with 6 dc and 5 in therapy at one point or another we've been doing this for a long time). It was so good to hear the affirmation in what you have all said. We love our dc and do the very best we can for them. It was very hard when people just assumed that if we would do things xyz, then we'd move along just fine. Or the implications of Better Late than Early - should we have waited until 10 to pursue things and if we had refused to do any school at all would our children have managed to avoid the vision problems. I don't think so - but I do still believe in the general principle. One thing about this whole board is that I always feel so accepted and supported. I wish this had been around (or I'd known about it) back when we started on this venture 15 + years ago).
We don't know whether ds problem is still correctable or not - and feel terribly that exhaustion has effected how diligent we have been - we don't do therapy from morning to night with these younger ones like we did with our first child diagnosed. For one thing we have lots more dc now that need our care, our budget is tighter from paying for all this therapy and there are older dc that need time and attention too - not just a bunch of elementaries where it's OK to slide in subjects quite a bit. But in the process we missed that this particular dc was still suppressing. If we had a certainty that we have come as far as we can with therapy - it would be easy to just step back and move forward one step at a time. If we knew that all the time, energy and money would help, then it would be easy. But not knowing, it is hard. The dc is also darn sick of therapy - even dh who is brilliant at coming up with things that are disguised therapy activities cannot get by without dc recognizing this as another therapy exercise.
I know how much difference this therapy has made for all of our other dc. Why is it so hard for this dc? He is 12 and has yet to really find something he excels at. He does not use both sides of the body together very well, is small, etc. We never make comparisons but dh and I do notice the pain that always being the last runner to cross, the kid that always strikes out, the one that really has to work to understand something. Yet we can be so proud of seeing how he doesn't let this stop him from jumping in and trying - and if he gets frustrated we see the self control and how he will quietly bow out for a while. He is my most diligent dc as far as doing his work - but he has to repeat things over and over and over to remember. He is still trying to keep the differences between nouns and verbs straight. He also is frustrated by his own spelling and yet keeps plugging at it. I would love to be able to make things easier for this dc, more fun. It is hard to realize that he seems to be learning best by some of the repetitive notebook stuff. I've long since given up thinking about things in terms of CM, unschooling, traditional, montissori,whatever. We just plug along doing the best we can to know and help our dc. This dc would never have done a lap book or any of those type things. It is not the ideas that are the problem - it is the physical act of writing, cutting, etc. He does at least now love to read - so we have made progress. He is wanting to learn to fly and we will do everything we can to help him here(and perhaps this will encourage coordination of both hands at the same time while he is having fun! Soccer is supposed ot be real good for this too - but this dc is so totally discouraged from the sports scene that he avoids most athletics at all costs - other than very short lived, informal stuff with friends or brothers. But he gets so frustrated at his abilities here that he generally quietly bows out at some point). Perhaps we'll insist on something to force the coordination of both sides of the body - but it will be with a very encouraging and positive teacher/coach that won't put him next to anyone else - especially not his 8 yo brother for whom everything seems to come easily.
Reading and writing, cutting, drawing, anything involving eye-hand coordination is slow going at our house. I have to always remind myself - progress one step at a time is what we are after and remember to encourage dc. But when you don't know there is a problem for sure - then you never know if it is just that the dc needs a bit of a push to jump in and do - or is it laziness or avoidance of the distasteful. When our dc had a vision problem we didn't know about, we honestly thought we were dealing with some sibling rivalry and sportsmanship issues. She'd drop out of a game of tag just as she got tagged and her sister and cousins would be mad at her. She never told us she got dizzy till later when her eyes were corrected and she no longer got dizzy. I guess she just thought that happened to everyone. Then you really feel like a heel for trying to encourage her to stick it out, to take her turn at being it. Other times I thought she simply wanted to play and wasn't willing to work to accomplish a task - and you would try to make the task more fun, try a different approach, etc. until you simply felt like it was a matter of insisting that a minimal level of work be done. After all we had had many experts say there wasn't anything wrong. She certainly never complained about any pain, or trouble seeing. She simply disappeared outside as soon as a sibling asked a question and I turned my head. She didn't know that she wasn't seeing the way she was supposed to. We didn't totally realize this (wondered why she had never said anything to us - made us worry that perhaps communication skills between us were poor) until midway through therapy she said: "I thought you told me this stuff was going to make my eyes better. Well it isn't! It's making it worse." I was exhausted from trying to get her to do some of the therpay exercises and called our local therapist in tears. Our therapist began to celebrate the progress and I was totally confused until she explained that her eyes had been so bad that she didn't see well enough even to know what or how she was supposed to see. Now she had to be seeing better at least some of the time in order to recognize that she wasn't seeing well. It really was a sign of progress. Talk about confusion! Then things start coming out and you suddenly realize how often you have misread the child, fussed at her for laziness when she was doing her darndest to function, etc. But at least I knew that there wasn't anyone to blame - and much gained through the struggles. This dc has much less trouble with rash judgement than anyone I know and a great deal of sensitivity and compassion for all suffering.
We learn through whatever trials are allowed. It is a great comfort to realize that God's providence is there. I don't have to spend a lot of wasted time kicking myself for what we did or did not do. We did the best we could. God is in charge and if this was allowed to happen then somehow it will work for the greater good of all. I don't have to understand it all - just keep trusting that God is in charge, keep praying for myself and dc and doing the best I can to fulfill my vocation. God is gentle and loving with me. I have to learn to be that way with myself - something that doesn't come naturally to me.
Anyways, thank you guys for allowing me to be encouraged and supported by you all, for the great acceptance and openness of this board and for the chance to share some of our struggles in the process of learning to move one step at a time! Alice, it was so beatiful to see how humble you were in sharing what has worked in your family. This is such a beautiful witness to what I mean about the support on this board. I don't think there is any mom here that thinks they have all the answers - just a humble willingness to share what has worked for them and prayerful support for one another in our struggles and joys.
It is so beautiful to see the mom's dealing with life-long difficulties, things they know may never be correctable and the witness is the same! We need to rejoice and encourage our dc in their accomplishments, whatever they may be! Yes, of course we pursue what needs to be done to help them move forward as they may be dealing with various challenges - but that is true of all of our children after all. We look for accurate diagnosis - but this is not the same as a label. It is just one more aspect in striving to do the best we can for our wonderful dc! And we should be able to delight in all our precious dc.
Thank you for letting me ponder out loud - and sorry for pondering a bit long! My precious 6 yo has been waiting patiently for his turn on the computer so I'd better bow out.
Janet
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ALmom
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| Posted: May 30 2006 at 2:44pm | IP Logged
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OOps, I meant Lissa's post - thanks. Alice, of course, is inspiring too. I need an editor!
Janet
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KC in TX
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| Posted: May 30 2006 at 10:45pm | IP Logged
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momtomany wrote:
Donna wrote:
Elizabeth wrote:
| I thought of every other mom with a child like this today as I read that post and I thought of all the times I've written something similar. And then I thought of a fourteen-year-old boy who struggles to read and struggles to express himself on paper in a household full of living writing. |
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Same situation except my son is 13. I've cried many tears worrying about whether or not I'm messing him up. Could someone else do a better job? Should he really be in school with an expert? What new approach should I be taking? And on and on.....
But, lately my thoughts are changing. Maybe God doesn't want him to be an excellent writer, maybe spelling is not all that important for the path God has laid out for him. Maybe his gifts come from a totally different direction.
Not sure of all this....but I do know that Jackson is a kind, loving, caring brother and son who puts his family first. He's responsible, hard working, and always wears a smile. His gift may not be writing and spelling...but the world does need those who have other gifts as well.
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Donna, beautiful post. My special needs guy is only 11, but as he struggles with reading and math, sometimes my heart breaks. Yet just when I'm discouraged with his progress, he does something like recite all the prayers of the Consecration by heart. He is sweet and loving and solid in his faith. He does have many other wonderful gifts. |
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I agree with everything. My special needs son is on the autism spectrum. We struggle mightily with read alouds. He can read well, but he doesn't know what he has read; he can spell, but can't really write. Then occasionally he does something like this where he knows that Jesus had 12 disciples (scroll down to the picture). It wasn't anything I taught him, but he retained it from mass (I thought he wasn't even paying attention) and one day decided to draw it for me. I wanted to cry.
I've shed more tears than I can say over this son of mine, but he has brought me such joy.
__________________
KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
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MEBarrett
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Elizabeth wrote:
And then I thought of a fourteen-year-old boy who struggles to read and struggles to express himself on paper in a household full of living writing. What a lonely place that must be sometimes!
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It is an unfortunate reality that children with disabilities, be they learning, physical, nuerological or emotional are often left in a lonely and frustrating place. It is a fact of thier lives that important things come easier to others. They can see that and realize it but have no way to change it.
Ryan can read just fine but he has very little comprehension of what he reads. This is a huge source of frustration for him. Experts have told us that his brain spends so much time de-coding that it is unable to comprehend the words. That part of his brain has not developed. Yet, hopefully it will but there is not certainity.
When I think about how his language has progressed I am grateful that he can read at all. He was not at all verbal until he was almost 4 and not functionally verbal for a long time after that. His expressive language is still jumbled and confused and that is how he writes. Getting ideas on paper is painful for him.
What breaks my heart is the bemusement with which Ryan faces the world. He is puzzled by what others can do.
This is the journey we are on, God travels with us and we just need to try as best we can fufill His will for our special kids.
__________________
Blessings,
Mary Ellen
Mom to seven beautiful kids
Tales from the Bonny Blue House
O Night Divine
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4Real Forums : Special Blessings
Topic: Language Arts
