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momtimesfour
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| Posted: April 22 2008 at 7:01pm | IP Logged
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At least for today I am. 
I have a question about balance. How do I balance a barely intelligible 3.5yo who communicates with energy and a 1yo baby?
For reference: My older kids do get some one-on-one time in the evenings when Wonder Boy and Miss M go to bed (around 7ish) and during Miss M's nap while WB is at preschool/therapy. I know they are frustrated with WB's antics, but I fear for the 1yo. My goodness. The boy is so rough with her! Even if I am sitting right with them, he can turn on a dime and suddenly start hitting, kicking, pushing, holding her down, etc. We aren't a big spanking family (variety of reasons), use time outs and other consequences (like losing privileges), but we are really at a loss with WB.
At this point no one has said or will say anything beyond stating that he has "behavioral delays and speech delays," both of which fall in the severe category. To me that says that my conventional "works for 99% of kids" discipline is NOT going to work with this kiddo. And, to date, it hasn't! 
It's such a struggle to parent everyone the way they need to be parented, even without the speech/behavior stuff in the mix. I just feel like throwing my hands in the air and shrieking.
What do you DO at your house? How do you structure your delayed toddlers' time? Can you brainstorm activity ideas for me? Part of my issue is that there are 3 other kiddos to supervise all day. I honestly feel if WB were the youngest, I'd have fewer problems logistically. The fact that there is someone more helpless and vulnerable than he is throws quite a wrench in the works.
Perhaps this seems like a pity party? I just feel used up today and not very effective. Isn't this the point when God is supposed to step in and shine while He does His thing? 
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Taffy
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(((Hugs)))
I've been where you are, momtimesfour, except my special needs guy was my oldest and I had very little experience with children before him. Trust me, it does get better! It takes time and perseverance and I'm sure that's where a lot of my gray hair came from, but it can be done.
The best piece of advice I can give is to use LOTS of positive reinforcement. Don't assume that your delayed toddler will learn good behaviour by example - many times he will need to have it explicitly taught to him. Sadly, I don't have many references to share with you on this. But the basic premise is simple. Lots of praise and other good things when you see him behaving in a way that's desirable. For my son, removing him from our presence, i.e., a "time out" was what happened when he was not so good. Before he could be allowed to rejoin us, he needed to say what the good behaviour should be - even if he couldn't understand it right away. Repetition made it clear. So, for example, he had a bad habit of screaming. When he'd scream, he'd be sent to the laundry room for two minutes and had to repeat "screaming is bad. I will use my inside voice." before he could rejoin us. Eventually, he came to understand what those words meant and I simply had to say the phrase for him to stop screaming without being sent to the laundry room. When we were in the car, I would pull over as soon as it was safe to do so and I'd stand outside the car with him for his "time out". Not fun on bad weather days!
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| I know they are frustrated with WB's antics, but I fear for the 1yo. My goodness. The boy is so rough with her! Even if I am sitting right with them, he can turn on a dime and suddenly start hitting, kicking, pushing, holding her down, etc. |
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We had this problem too and I was as worried as you are. The thing that really helped with this was to teach him how to behave with the baby by playing with a doll. In hindsight, I am convinced that the reason for the behaviour was to try and control his younger brother (in our case). My son had learned that his new brother didn't know how to crawl, for instance. So, when his new brother started crawling, my son figured that "this is wrong" and decided to "make it right" by getting his brother to stop crawling (using whatever means were necessary).
A final thought. You may want to look into what your 3yo is eating. It is true that many of the additives in foods that we often eat will cause our children (and sometimes parents) to behave badly. I can talk more about this if you're interested, let me know. In our case, keeping the diet as simple as possible is essential.
Hope this helps some...
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
Susan's Soliloquy
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At_His_Feet
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| Posted: April 23 2008 at 1:45am | IP Logged
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I can't be of any help, but I just wanted to say that I understnad a little of what you are feeling. Our 3 1/2 year old has a severe language delay which impacts on his behaviour. They are calling it Global Dev. Delay and maybe ASD  .
I find homeschholing the other two, while Riley is here, to be very difficult. He seems to need me so much.
I'm planning in making up some visuals of activities he can choose. ie. play dough, puzzle, totem tennis, story etc. I'm hoping that little bursts of time with me through out the day will help.
I'm looking forward to raeding what others have to say.
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Tricia
Mum to 3 boys 17, 15, and 10.
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SimplyMom
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| Posted: April 25 2008 at 9:13am | IP Logged
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*hugs*
It is hard.
With Rachel the time out thing worked best if it was in her room away from the other children.
Hopefully your little guy will be able to learn to control his behavior, but there may be little you can do. Rachel's big behavior problem is impulse control. She knows something is naughty but can't stop herself in time. When she was little it didn't bother her so much, but as a teen it is heartbreaking. The second she does something wrong she gets very upset and starts saying "I so naughty" over and over. She just can't stop herself in the instant between thinking something and doing it.
With my very high energy little boy I find that he does best when I keep him busy. When I am doing house work I have him help me, when I am doing desk work I have a puzzle or some activity right here with me. He can be very helpful. If I leave him to his own devices he gets into trouble.
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Waverley
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I'm so sorry. I hear your hurting heart. You are not alone and is OK to come here seeking help and support. I know I've gotten wonderful information from these boards.
I too have a child with behavioral problems and here is what helped me. Feel free to try this or disregard it.
For a week, I watched my child very carefully and wrote down what activities/sensations she sought throughout the day. At the end of the week, I looked over the list and tried to identify what about the particular activity she liked (small pieces, texture, large motor, strong sensory input, etc). I then tried to come up with additional activities that might meet the same need. Next, because my child has trouble identifying activities to do on her own, I made up lots of boxes each containing one activity. I took a picture of the activity. I put one picture on the box. I put the other picture on the refrigerator.
Now, when my dd begins to misbehave (often because she is unable to find something positive to do on her own), I redirect the behavior by taking her to the refrigerator and letting her chose an activity by looking at the pictures. I also rotate out the activities so she has something new and because she can only handle a few choices at a time.
I don't know if this would help your son but it has been very successful for our family. My dd feels she has some control, her energy is redirected to a better activity, her self-esteem has improved becuase she is not always being disciplined, and we all have a lot more peace.
Keep us posted. I will keep you in my prayers.
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Theresa
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Waverley wrote:
For a week, I watched my child very carefully and wrote down what activities/sensations she sought throughout the day. At the end of the week, I looked over the list and tried to identify what about the particular activity she liked (small pieces, texture, large motor, strong sensory input, etc). I then tried to come up with additional activities that might meet the same need. Next, because my child has trouble identifying activities to do on her own, I made up lots of boxes each containing one activity. I took a picture of the activity. I put one picture on the box. I put the other picture on the refrigerator.
Now, when my dd begins to misbehave (often because she is unable to find something positive to do on her own), I redirect the behavior by taking her to the refrigerator and letting her chose an activity by looking at the pictures. I also rotate out the activities so she has something new and because she can only handle a few choices at a time.
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This is a great idea!!! I was just talking with a friend this morning about how I'm at a loss of what to do. I'm praying for help from the Holy Spirit for some creative ways to help my 5 yr. old son get along in our family. At present he is a bully. Even with my older teenagers. He is constantly going in their rooms, taking their things, kicking, hitting and homeschooling with him around is so hard. My dh is gone 7-9 days at a time and so I get exhausted from dealing with the behavior and the frustration of the other children.
Because Andrew is so visual, I think this would be a great idea for him.
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Waverley
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| Posted: April 28 2008 at 1:52pm | IP Logged
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Hey Theresa,
You're back! How is your new house?
I'm so sorry you're experiencing these difficulties in your family. It sounds very similar to what happens here. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Willa
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Waverley wrote:
| For a week, I watched my child very carefully and wrote down what activities/sensations she sought throughout the day. At the end of the week, I looked over the list and tried to identify what about the particular activity she liked (small pieces, texture, large motor, strong sensory input, etc). I then tried to come up with additional activities that might meet the same need. Next, because my child has trouble identifying activities to do on her own, I made up lots of boxes each containing one activity. I took a picture of the activity. I put one picture on the box. I put the other picture on the refrigerator. |
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Love this, Waverley. I may just try to figure out something like this for my child this summer.
I was worried that my dev delayed child would be rough with his little sibling when he was born, but he actually was terrified of him and terrified FOR him. He would have a panic attack when the baby looked like he was doing something unsafe.
However, he was rough with the older siblings. He would pinch them and pull their hair. I used sensory integration and distraction with him and in the long run it worked. The other thing that helped was being able to verbalize. A lot of his anger apparently came from not being able to communicate -- he didn't talk till well after age three. He isn't violent anymore. So I think that frustration -- sensory or communication -- can aggravate these issues.
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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momtimesfour
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Sure didn't mean to bail out on my own topic... but my family came down with that nasty intestinal yuck that's been going around and we lost a week! So... now I'll go back and read replies and post more questions. Thanks for the responses so far!
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momtimesfour
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Taffy wrote:
(((Hugs)))
I've been where you are, momtimesfour, except my special needs guy was my oldest and I had very little experience with children before him. Trust me, it does get better! It takes time and perseverance and I'm sure that's where a lot of my gray hair came from, but it can be done. |
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Thank you.
Taffy wrote:
| The best piece of advice I can give is to use LOTS of positive reinforcement. Don't assume that your delayed toddler will learn good behaviour by example - many times he will need to have it explicitly taught to him. Sadly, I don't have many references to share with you on this. But the basic premise is simple. Lots of praise and other good things when you see him behaving in a way that's desirable. |
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This would be summarized by "catch your kids doing good?" Some days that's a tall order, isn't it?
Taffy wrote:
A final thought. You may want to look into what your 3yo is eating. It is true that many of the additives in foods that we often eat will cause our children (and sometimes parents) to behave badly. I can talk more about this if you're interested, let me know. In our case, keeping the diet as simple as possible is essential.
Hope this helps some... |
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Your post gave me some very good food for thought. I am working on an idea for a behavior chart that is more focused on rewards for what we want to see improve (as opposed to negative consequences for what we don't want to see anymore). It's still a work in progress.
As to what he's eating, we decided to try a gluten-free/casein-free diet for the summer and see if we see marked improvement. We've heard some compelling evidence that kids on the autism spectrum react favorably to such a dietary adjustment - we figure it sure isn't going to hurt anything to try. If we see a big improvement, great. If not, we tried something. (Trying to think like Einstein here - "failure" is actually a success in ruling an option out.)
Thanks for the ideas.
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momtimesfour
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At_His_Feet wrote:
I can't be of any help, but I just wanted to say that I understnad a little of what you are feeling. Our 3 1/2 year old has a severe language delay which impacts on his behaviour. They are calling it Global Dev. Delay and maybe ASD .
I find homeschholing the other two, while Riley is here, to be very difficult. He seems to need me so much.
I'm planning in making up some visuals of activities he can choose. ie. play dough, puzzle, totem tennis, story etc. I'm hoping that little bursts of time with me through out the day will help.
I'm looking forward to raeding what others have to say. |
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Is ASD Aspberger's Syndrome? All the "labels" are new territory for me.
I like your idea of choosing activities. In WB's preschool, that seems to be what the teacher does for "free play" - during that time, the kids do have to pick a specific activity and they don't get to wander about aimlessly. I just have to convert the idea to work at our house, within our dynamics.
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momtimesfour
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SimplyMom wrote:
*hugs*
It is hard.
With Rachel the time out thing worked best if it was in her room away from the other children.
Hopefully your little guy will be able to learn to control his behavior, but there may be little you can do. Rachel's big behavior problem is impulse control. She knows something is naughty but can't stop herself in time. When she was little it didn't bother her so much, but as a teen it is heartbreaking. The second she does something wrong she gets very upset and starts saying "I so naughty" over and over. She just can't stop herself in the instant between thinking something and doing it.
With my very high energy little boy I find that he does best when I keep him busy. When I am doing house work I have him help me, when I am doing desk work I have a puzzle or some activity right here with me. He can be very helpful. If I leave him to his own devices he gets into trouble. |
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The trouble with a 2-story house is that bedrooms are rather distant... not good for time out, lol. But he won't be 3yo forever, so eventually we may use his room. Thanks for the idea.
Impulsiveness definitely seems to be an issue here, as well. And leaving him "to his own devices," as you say, is a recipe for disaster. An earlier post had suggested having activities in mind and here you are echoing the same sentiment. I am listening!!! Thanks!
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momtimesfour
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Waverley wrote:
I'm so sorry. I hear your hurting heart. You are not alone and is OK to come here seeking help and support. I know I've gotten wonderful information from these boards.
I too have a child with behavioral problems and here is what helped me. Feel free to try this or disregard it.
For a week, I watched my child very carefully and wrote down what activities/sensations she sought throughout the day. At the end of the week, I looked over the list and tried to identify what about the particular activity she liked (small pieces, texture, large motor, strong sensory input, etc). I then tried to come up with additional activities that might meet the same need. Next, because my child has trouble identifying activities to do on her own, I made up lots of boxes each containing one activity. I took a picture of the activity. I put one picture on the box. I put the other picture on the refrigerator.
Now, when my dd begins to misbehave (often because she is unable to find something positive to do on her own), I redirect the behavior by taking her to the refrigerator and letting her chose an activity by looking at the pictures. I also rotate out the activities so she has something new and because she can only handle a few choices at a time.
I don't know if this would help your son but it has been very successful for our family. My dd feels she has some control, her energy is redirected to a better activity, her self-esteem has improved becuase she is not always being disciplined, and we all have a lot more peace.
Keep us posted. I will keep you in my prayers. |
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Thank you very much - for the understanding, the ideas, and the prayers. All are sorely needed. :)
You mention having activities ready to go... (I think that makes at least 3 posts pointing in this direction, lol). I recently received a program from a friend of my SIL; it creates word pictures and appears to be what WB's preschool uses. I am in the process of making a routine chart so he can "see" how the day is supposed to progress. I think I will gather some pictures of favorite activities and do as you suggest - he definitely needs some control over his choices. The pictures should help with that.
Thank you again!
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Waverley
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| Posted: June 02 2008 at 8:42pm | IP Logged
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How's it going momtimesfour?
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momtimesfour
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Well, Waverly, it's going. Oddly enough, I've had more issues with my just-turned-13yo than I have with my Wonder Boy, . I don't know how we all survive childhood, lol.
I'm still hammering out a schedule. I had put it aside for a few weeks and was just winging it - and the Lord has proven to me that I just can't manage my family that way. So, newly humbled, I dug out my multi-colored postits and my excel spreadsheet and started. So far I have meals on there and bedtimes, lol. I am seeing, however, that this is why I get so frustrated - just those basic activities take far longer than I expect them to, so it's no wonder that I always feel that so much is left undone and the kids are frustrated.
The gluten free/casein free diet is underway. It's a grand experiment and it's probably too soon to say if there's any improvement. WB seems to have a great 2 weeks and then a rotten 2 weeks or so... it's a cycle. So I don't know if the elimination of gluten is helping or if we're in the "good 2 weeks" part of a cycle.
I got a laugh out of the picture software tutorial. It has a tutorial to teach you how to use the tutorials! How redundant!!!  But we take the laughs where we can, right?
Thanks so much for the support.
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4Real Forums : Special Blessings
Topic: Nearing the end of my rope
