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amyable
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| Posted: Sept 21 2007 at 9:42am | IP Logged
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Any advice on how to help siblings deal with the one (or more) special, difficult child, especially when that difficult child is the oldest?
Our oldest's (9yo - almost 10) needs are pretty mild in comparison to some - i.e. she appears normal, even "wonderful" to most outsiders (other than being bald, lol!). At home is a different story - impulsiveness, obnoxious behavior to siblings, not reading cues (i.e. "not knowing when to stop because siblings are now thoroughly annoyed"), a very "unteachable spirit" - these and more (like the stress when doing school with her) lead to a constantly stressed household, especially among her next youngest sibling (7).
Nothing I do seems to change her behavior. How do I help her siblings deal? How do you deal with the difficult child themselves as far as reigning in the difficult behavior?
I guess I'm having more trouble with this child than I think I should since she is my oldest, and she spurs the others on ...other than me there is no model of good behavior in the house. There are no older children being obedient and respectful. But as my youngest two age I can see what normal/typical/easy can be, and realize just how far from that my firstborn, and often because of her my second born can be.
HELP!! (and no, I'm not just posting this because I am hugely pregnant and hormonal  . This is a difficulty ALL the time, and I just have more time to post right now due to having no physical ability to do certain chores  )
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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kathleenmom
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| Posted: Sept 21 2007 at 5:42pm | IP Logged
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Hey Amy,
I see lots of folks reading and no replies. I'm not sure I'll be much good to you, besides to encourage and promise prayers and offering up some of my similar suffering for you.
I have been reluctant to share much of what has been going on in my house over the last year or so because there are some IRL folks on the board (or used to be...I'm not sure) whom I didn't want to share this information with. However, one of the miracles God has wrought with this cross for me is to chip away a bit at my enormous Pride! So, here goes.
My "difficult" child is not the eldest but the ds 7yo. To make a VERY long story short, he appears to have some neurological problems. He is the child whom we have always scratched our head over the most. Traditional discipline did not work for him as it has with his siblings. The explosiveness and physical violence simply escalated and escalated despite our best efforts. He's intractable, wildly impulsive, very easily frustrated.
About a year ago, some other symptoms began to surface that helped to solidify my already "ding-dinging" mommy intuition bells that something was going on here that was bigger than me. He started to evince undeniable OCD type rituals. It was intense and brief. It surfaced and then disappeared right around the time I started taking him to see a Godly gentle Psychologist from our Parish. We are so blessed to have found him. However, the OCD type stuff is definitely on an Anxiety spectrum and he now seems to be externalizing all of the anxiety instead of inernalizing it. This results in MAJOR explosiveness. We call it Def Con 4. When he becomes frustrated, which quite honestly in a house with 4 other siblings and a not very patient Momma, is ummm often, to say the least, he goes straight to "vapor lock". His thinking brain does not engage. This meant major tantruming, throwing things, kicking, hitting, threatening, hurling things at mommy's head, gut punching his sisters, attacking the 2 yo. Kicking the back of mommy's carseat so hard she nearly lost control of the van.
All of this said, he is good boy. He is bright and witty and goofy and very very sad. He is in a terrible place. It is an extraordinarly sad thing for your 7yo son to tell you he wished he'd never been born, or that he believes he was born so that he could be an example of everything that is bad. Sigh. I might mention that none of this has been told to him. We don't tell him that. He internalizes all of the anxiety, frustration and bad feelings. It's heart wrenching.
Okay....so when the big ugly tree fell on our house this summer and we had to go into exile (travel from pillar to post from one well-meaning relative to another) his anxiety level went through the ceiling. Things could not go on as they were. We have put Russell on medication to take the edge off of the Explosiveness and Physical Violence. My dh and I are as conservative as cats. This was a VERY difficult decision for us. We did NOT arrive at it easily. However, the point of my reply is that we came to this decision precisely because of his siblings. If it were ds along, we would plug away...put our heads down and forge ahead with prayer and behaviour modification as our allies. However, he has 4 siblings who live in the house with him. The collateral damage is enormous. My 2 yo thinks that when mommy won't give you another cookie, you call her names, hit her and knock things off the counter. My dds now incorporate all kinds of defiance into their interactions with me that simply didn't exist before. The baby has been physically hurt by large objects being hurled at me. We decided to try Depakote for the explosiveness and it has indeed helped tremendously. My ds is going for some extensive testing at the NeuroPsychiatry clinic at our local University. We are hoping for some clearer answers and ideas about what direction to move in to affect change and find some peace in our home again.
I have been seriously considering Family Therapy for his siblings. It is almost like they are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Then, there is just the difficulty of how they feel about him. I can't tell you how many times "mean" gets uttered in my house.
We have recently implemented a very rigorous disciplinary tool at the recommendation of the Psychologist that has you list ALL family rules and there are pre-listed consequences for each infraction. There is also a rewards system for catching them being good. This goes against my grain in a big way. I don't like extrinsic reward systems, but we needed something that was going to remove the emotionality that we were all getting drawn into with each episode by simply stating the offence, which rule was broken and the consequence. Plus, we've gone overboard in a big way doling out the chips when we see them being good. They can turn them in for things like "pick the next DVD on the Netflix queue" or "pick a dessert for a weekday". You get the idea. This system has really helped. I'm not sure if it is just a distraction or what, but I'm hopeful it continues to take some of the pressure off of the Parents.
I'm rambling now....I have a fever. I just felt compelled to answer you. Please know that you are in my prayers and if you are interested in the nitty gritty of the program I sketched I'd be happy to PM it to you. It was written and presented at a workshop with families with some sort of disfunction in mind....
God bless, Amy.
Kathleen
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DH Daniel, Sophia Brigid (97), Russell Powers (99), Honoria Jane (02), John Patrick (05), Brigid Mary Feb. 24, 2007!
AMDG Academy
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Karnak
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| Posted: Sept 29 2007 at 10:32am | IP Logged
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HI Kathleen
does your 7 year old have Aspergers Syndrome (AS) as the anxiety, depression and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) sound like it
For OCD, medication ca help and one autism list I am on, one mother said some sort to counselling along with OCD medication had helped her son. You should be able to get help via your local school district even if you are homeschooling with the counseling. Some parents recommend th Explosive Child, I have never read it so cannot give you an honest opinion bu you should be able to find it via your local public library. Tony Atwood wrote several useful books on AS if that is what your little boy has and there is another useful guide by a group called Oases on As worth a read
Karnak
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4Real Forums : Special Blessings
Topic: Dealing with "difficult" sibling
