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Angie Mc
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and sainthood: How do you become more saintly through dealing with difficult family members? What prayers do you say on their behalf and your own? How do you grow in patience? How do you avoid pride? How do you not allow encounters to become a near occasion of sin? What concrete skills do you develop and use with difficult family members? How do you uphold the 4th commandment? How do you soften your heart to show love and honor?
It must be the season...there are many who are dealing with difficult family members. Maria asks for prayer and mentions extended family difficulties. I was talking with a friend yesterday and the question was, "What do you do when you grow in faith and feel that you outgrow your extended family, especially older members?" Another friend is dealing with family rejection (which in their eyes is better than dealing directly with them.)
How do you get support for dealing with these difficulties without dishonoring anyone? Do you only bring your concerns to the Lord and the intercession of saints or do you vent with your spouse or a friend? Something else? How does or doesn't this venting help?
Years ago, before my reversion, I picked up the book Thank You for Being Such a Pain from the library. I don't remember much from the book, other than the title and main idea. From a Catholic perspective, I would describe it as, being grateful for the cross of dealing with difficult people because they are doing us the favor of challenging us to do the hard work of becoming a saint. As my self-described difficult grandmother told me after I told her about this concept, "Well, I'm such a pain, I guess that a LOT of people are going to get to heaven because of me!" I replied, "Or the other place, Gram." At least we can laugh about these things  .
Thank you in advance and Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angela F
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Oh, Angie, I don't have too much wisdom to offer. But I do have some of those same difficulties. I wish I could remember what saint I had read about that offered the same advice as the Being Such a Pain book. He said he was grateful for these people in his life. Grateful! That made me really think.
Personally, I talk with my dh - he mainly listens and only occasionally speaks up. It seems to help me. And I really turn to Mary. I've been reading the commentary during the Novena for the Immaculate Conception in the In Conversation with God series and it has really heightened my resolve to turn to her waaaaaaay more than I do. I know I turn to her almost every day, buuut I know there are times she can help me that I don't ask.
Last night at mass, Fr. really emphasized and encouraged us to utilize the Memorare. To say it with confidence! Remember O Most Gracious Virgin Mary,
That NEVER was it known (his emphasis)
that anyone who fled to thy protection,
implored thy help,
or sought thy intercession,
WAS LEFT UNAIDID (his emphasis)....
I know you know this prayer, but this is where he spoke strongly. So wisely have you asked on this Feast of the Immaculate Conception! Wish I could offer more.
You have my prayers,
God bless,
Angela
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"‘Great’ holiness consists in carrying out the ‘little’ duties of each moment."
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Jenn Sal
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I talk to my sister  !!!
Learning more about our faith has helped me and my husband deal with his family. A wonderful book called "Fundimentals of Faith" (given to Mark by you)has been helping him become clear about this. Understanding discernment is his latest breakthrough! Going back a few years, "7 Habits of Highly Effective Families" has helped with how to "control the tongue".
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Jennifer, Texas
Wife to Mark, Mom to Cora 13,Kade 10, Sarah in Heaven 12/05, Colette 7, Corin 5, & Kieran 2
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amiefriedl
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I say constantly,
O, Jesus this is for love of Thee, for the conversion of sinners and in reparation for the offenses committed against the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Amen.
I also was able to forgive many, many offenses more easily afer I read the books about the four temperaments because I understand more about what is behind what someone says or does gauging from what their predominant temperament is. A controlling, pushy mother can be more easily tolerated/forgiven if you can understand she is a choleric and means well at least part of the time. There is lots more to it than that but it is a small example.
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In Christ the King through Mary our Mother,
Amie
Blessed with an awesome hubby and Mom of ds10, dd7, dd3 and dd 10months.
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Sarah
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Gregory Popcak's book "God Help Me These People are Driving Me Nuts" or something like that is a good book. He's Catholic and gives a nice perspective.
You are not alone. We try not to judge, but when someone persists in sinful error we have to limit their involvement with our family. We know we can't read their souls, but we also know what the Church teaches and when things are done outright in rebellion we have to protect our children from scandal.
This has been a very difficult year for family confrontation on both of our sides. We feel very alone at times and wonder how these people could be given to us to deal with. But, they still are put in our lives for some reason. We try to be charitable, but we don't allow them to come here and make our home and children's mind something we don't agree with. You can still follow the 4th Commandment without letting people with serious issues ruin your life or scandalize your kids. Scandal is very serious.
We also must remain composed and functioning with our own children and can't let extended family rob us of that joy. Some relatives have been told that they cannot come visit as much as they wanted (you may recall a thread I started last year). Angie, your words on that thread helped me ("adults that feel entitled to you children and family life").
Luckily, my husband is of the choleric temperment so he doesn't mince words. Ever. (Not that I always like that same choleric temperment , but it comes in handy when someone needs to be confronted). Extended family know what we tolerate and where we stand clearly. Both dh and I are the oldest so it seems to come easier to us to keep the upper hand than with our siblings. I have no problem telling my parents that I love them, BUT this is how it is in our home with our children. Period. They are welcome under our terms.
This may sound nuts, but we have had some very serious issues that could have left our family is ruination. We have had to become very unpopular at times.
Angie, you are not alone. I am surrounded by family that is very difficult. It helps to have miles between you. We have warned them when we think there is a need for that while still telling them we love our relatives.
And we don't bad-mouth the relatives to the kids. However, we warn the kids about things when we feel it necessary. We even have a cousin who is a self-proclaimed witch  . Naturally we have NOTHING to do with her, since the occult is just something we don't want anywhere near us!  Yikes! Fr. Amorth (the Vatican exorcist)in his Exorcism book (Ignatius Press)warns family not to associate with those family members that dabble in the occult. Grandma wondered if cousin witch could come visit the new baby this summer.  Uh, no.
Sorry, I wrote so much. . .
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Michaela
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This is a subject that we have been dealing with since moving back here over a year ago.
Many, many tears of hurt and frustration have been shed....more in the last year, than all the previous years combined. Trying to set boundaries....
It has changed me for the better...sometimes I just want to scream out "Everything isn't just about YOU. Don't you know I'm hurting, too?!" I don't. Instead, I reach out always in love (even when I hurt inside) because I know it's what Our Lord wants from me.
I'm going to call the Catholic bookstore to see if they have the book Sarah recommended.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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Angie Mc
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Angela F wrote:
| Personally, I talk with my dh - he mainly listens and only occasionally speaks up. It seems to help me. And I really turn to Mary...I know I turn to her almost every day, buuut I know there are times she can help me that I don't ask...utilize the Memorare. To say it with confidence! |
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Aren't we fortunate to be able to talk with our dhs? The toughest part is really "listening" and not giving advice. It is one thing for a spouse to vent about their family, it is a whole other thing for the other spouse to chime in too heavily!
In general, I'm really trying to develop the habit of turning to Mary, more and more. I, too, love the Memorare. Thanks for the reminder to say it with confidence!
Jenn Sal wrote:
I talk to my sister !!!
...Going back a few years, "7 Habits of Highly Effective Families" has helped with how to "control the tongue". |
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What a conincidence, I talk with my sister, too . Keep up the awesome work, sis. Another good tip from 7HHEF is the idea of "pausing." Basic, but oh so hard to do sometimes.
amiefriedl wrote:
I say constantly,
O, Jesus this is for love of Thee, for the conversion of sinners and in reparation for the offenses committed against the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Amen.
I also was able to forgive many, many offenses more easily afer I read the books about the four temperaments because I understand more about what is behind what someone says or does gauging from what their predominant temperament is. A controlling, pushy mother can be more easily tolerated/forgiven if you can understand she is a choleric and means well at least part of the time. There is lots more to it than that but it is a small example. |
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Beautiful prayer, Amie. I, too like to have short prayers to help in emotional emergencies (to help "pause")...Jesus I trust in you...In the name of Jesus be gone...God bless them...God help me, a sinner...Help me to forgive...
The Temperament God Gave You was a helpful read from this choleric's perspective (and since cholerics are oh so right oh so much of the time I'm sure that I'm very likely to be right about this book being helpful .)
Sarah wrote:
| This has been a very difficult year for family confrontation on both of our sides. We feel very alone at times and wonder how these people could be given to us to deal with...Scandal is very serious...We also must remain composed and functioning with our own children and can't let extended family rob us of that joy...Some relatives have been told that they cannot come visit as much as they wanted (you may recall a thread I started last year). Angie, your words on that thread helped me ("adults that feel entitled to you children and family life")....This may sound nuts, but we have had some very serious issues that could have left our family is ruination. We have had to become very unpopular at times....We even have a cousin who is a self-proclaimed witch . |
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Sarah, you sound like you are growing in confidence in your family's role within the extended family. Oh my, the difficulties you have faced (and yes I sure do remember that thread.) I'm very happy for you. You also remind me...
So much of this is relative (no pun intended.) Sometimes it helps to offer up our suffering for all those whose families are even more difficult than our own.
During the holidays, I think it is especially helpful to keep a realistic check on expectations. If Uncle Leisure Suit has always ruined the family party because he drinks too much and says too much...well...it seems prudent to expect that behavior and work around it as kindly as possible. In some ways, this becomes a strategic planning challenge which helps to depersonalize things and keep emotions in check.
Michaela wrote:
| I reach out always in love (even when I hurt inside) because I know it's what Our Lord wants from me. |
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That sums it up so beautifully, Michaela. Thank you.
Thank you all! Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Sarah
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Angie Mc wrote:
Sarah, you sound like you are growing in confidence in your family's role within the extended family. Oh my, the difficulties you have faced (and yes I sure do remember that thread.) I'm very happy for you. You also remind me...
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I just wanted to say a year later that we have held very firm with the individual in the above thread and the constant visits and phone calls completely resolved. There was also a letter from us that clearly explained this individual's behavior that we sent out to him and all the family that comes in contact with him. This letter also clearly stated our visiting policy. I feel much better now since that stalker feeling is no longer an issue. He got the hint, although it was sad to have to do. Just wanted to follow-up on that thread linked above. . .
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Angie Mc
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Sarah wrote:
I just wanted to say a year later that we have held very firm with the individual in the above thread and the constant visits and phone calls completely resolved. . |
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Lots of hard to set everyone up for success...  !
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Helen
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Angie,
I find humming or actually singing songs about spritual Communions really help.
Oh Lord I am not worthy
Jesus my Lord my God my All
To help the kids, we pretend that we are "pumping iron" and say
"virtue exercise"
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Ave Maria!
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Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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stefoodie
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Oh, *this* is hard. Like you I often turn to Mary. And I ask myself, what would Mary have done? There were some trials a few years ago (Angie, you'd know, 'cause you were one of the people I vented to ) but I do vent a lot to my dh and my mom.
I must say I failed terribly those years when the trials were hardest. I had been asking the Lord, where was my cross, because I felt that life was too blissful and I was always happy-happy-happy, and when the cross came I didn't want any part of it!
Now it's dh's turn to bear the cross -- an offshoot of the trials from those years. I wish he could vent to me the way I vented to him. But I have learned to cling to Mary and Jesus through times like this. I am trying to keep my mouth shut and bear the suffering gracefully. Not always successful, but it also helps to know that I'm not alone.
So I said all that to also say to you that you're not alone.
Praying for you and sending lots of hugs 
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stef
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Rebecca
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Here is a free online text of the four temperments.
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Marybeth
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You are so dear to want to pray and act gracious but firm with your extended family. I just want to scream and shout. I don't... but it's my first inclination!! 
I'm starting to pray early and often before the holiday or event in which we see certain people. I can't seem to remember to pray while in the situation. I think it is because my family members are often as Bridget Jones says in the movie "they are jellyfish because they sting when you least expect it!!" 
Thankfully I can vent to my dh,but I would like to leave one event without having to say anything at all.
This is just my pre-Christmas Eve vent to all of you.
Mb
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Angie Mc
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Helen wrote:
Angie,
I find humming or actually singing songs about spritual Communions really help.
Oh Lord I am not worthy
Jesus my Lord my God my All
To help the kids, we pretend that we are "pumping iron" and say
"virtue exercise"
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For some time, I would hum or sing "Make me a channel of your peace." I wonder when I dropped that! Thanks for the reminder to, ummm, whistle while we work .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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stefoodie wrote:
I must say I failed terribly those years when the trials were hardest....
Now it's dh's turn to bear the cross -- an offshoot of the trials from those years...But I have learned to cling to Mary and Jesus through times like this. I am trying to keep my mouth shut and bear the suffering gracefully. |
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Aren't we hard on ourselves sometimes, stef? It's like we have a vision of how we should be but we can't fulfill the vision in reality ...at least not all the time. I'm with you on the "trying to keep my mouth shut and bear the suffering gracefully." You pray for me and I'll pray for you.
I'm praying for your dh, too.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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Marybeth wrote:
"they are jellyfish because they sting when you least expect it!!"
Thankfully I can vent to my dh,but I would like to leave one event without having to say anything at all.
This is just my pre-Christmas Eve vent to all of you.
Mb |
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Ouch!
Mb, this reminds me another favorite mental reminder. I repeat "don't bite, don't bite, don't bite" in my mind when conversing with someone who likes to egg on fights and controversy. People like this will say some of the most rediculous things and I SO want to counter what they are saying. We all know where this leads...to them getting what they want (a fight and drama) and me feeling like I've failed as a saint-in-the-making. "Don't bite" thoughts are often combined with "How about those Diamondbacks?" and/or "Wow, I had the best dessert the other day" conversation or the classic smile-n-nod.
Love,
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Angie Mc
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Marybeth
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Thanks,Angie! I think my sister and I just needed one of those cleansing the wound type talks. I think with all prep work we are doing we are just hoping there isn't any negative behavior or temper tantrums this year. And I am not meaning from the kids!!
I am going to just smile and nod and eat appetizers...I figure if my mouth is chewing I can't say anything to begin our yearly drama.
Mb
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4Real Forums : Domestic Church
Topic: difficulties with extended family...
