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Sarah
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We have a relative who is coming constantly. I've been patient about the visits, but they are becoming more frequent-like once a week and the individual stays overnight. There are some mental issues (our personal conclusion)involved so I have to supervise this person around the children.
To sum it up, this person does not make me feel comfortable, contributes little to our well-being and won't respect my husband's wishes to not come without his wfe. He claims he has business to do in the area anyway, so he'll drop in, with gifts for the kids(but not all the kids, just his favorites) and a pan of brownies--the days he's here are lost schooling wise and I'm left feeling mad with a mess to clean up.
If the person isn't here, he's calling to talk to the kids, but its certain kids he's aiming to talk to.
Oh, what to do. Its starting to drive my husband insane, since its his immediate family he's dealing with.
Has anyone had a similar situation? Merely talking to this person is not working.
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Six boys ages 16, 14, 11, 7, 5, 2 and one girl age 9
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Michaela
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I'm truly sorry you're going through this right now, Sarah.
My situation is somewhat similar.
We just moved back to my home town this past fall.
My brother, who has schizophrenia, comes by almost every day. At first, it was very difficult to deal with. My children would see behaviors that they didn't understand. The stress level would rise for me because I just didn't know what to expect or how to handle the visits.
He also brings gifts each visit. Actually, last week, he brought a pan of brownies he made. He JUST left about 10 minutes ago after bringing videos for us from the library. (That's why he comes by daily to drop off then pick up videos he thinks my kids might like.) He didn't stay long, but my kids are now munching on the marshmallows he brought and watching a reading video he brought. 
Honestly, at first, I hated it.  My other family members suggested calling the police to get rid of him  or get him commited. (It was really that bad.) After feeling like I would lose my mind, the only thing left to do was to pray about it.
I read on line that sometimes schizophrenia can just disappear. So, I started praying to our Lord to release my brother from its grips. He's a different man now. I'm sure it's still there, but the behaviors and mindboggling talk has stopped....around us at least. Now, when he comes, I ask him to stay. He's the only one around that doesn't seem to have an agenda behind visits and gifts. It's all done in love. Some times I think about going back to Las Vegas and he's the only person I would really miss. I NEVER thought I'd say that.
All that to say.....I don't have any 'real' advice that will get those visits to stop because I'm not there to know the dynamics of what's going on in your situation.
However, even if it sounds simplistic, I want to suggest you take it to our Lord. Maybe you've done that already. Don't stop. When I was in the middle of the unwelcomed, uncomfortable visits I couldn't see a light. Looking back now, I know my prayers were answered.
Sorry if this didn't help you one tiny bit. Just know that your situtation will be in my prayers.
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Michaela
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teachingmom
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I may be way off the mark, Sarah, but red flags are going off for me after reading your question. Could it possibly be that the attention and gifts for some of the children are the beginnings of this man befriending them for future child sexual abuse? I've been through some basic child sexual abuse recognition training in my former job as a parish youth minister. The visits and gifts and attention focused on the kids could be totally innocuous, but they sound a bit fishy to me.
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JennGM
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teachingmom wrote:
| I may be way off the mark, Sarah, but red flags are going off for me after reading your question. Could it possibly be that the attention and gifts for some of the children are the beginnings of this man befriending them for future child sexual abuse? I've been through some basic child sexual abuse recognition training in my former job as a parish youth minister. The visits and gifts and attention focused on the kids could be totally innocuous, but they sound a bit fishy to me. |
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That's the part that sent off red flag to me, also. Even if you can't control the visits, I wouldn't allow someone to play favorites with my children. If they are giving gifts, it should be for all, unless it's an occasion, like a birthday.
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Jennifer G. Miller
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Elizabeth
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The same red flags went up for me, Irene. I heard echoes of VIRTUS training there....
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Jen L.
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The gifts and phone conversations with only certain kids do not sound good to me. And not respecting your husband's wishes is unacceptable as far as I'm concerned. Can you talk to his wife? What if you tell him that you won't be opening the door unless he's with her and pre-arranged (disruptive to your day etc.). I'm sorry that I don't have the answer, but I will definitely pray for you as you deal with this.
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Jen
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"...the best state in which to glorify God is our actual state; the best grace is that of the moment..." St. Peter Eymard
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Marybeth
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Sarah,
This behavior is bizarre and creepy. You and your husband have to learn to set some boundaries which are respected and upheld. I would immediately get caller id and not allow anymore overnight visits. A mother's intuition has saved countless children's lives (morally and physically) you need to listen to your gut. Also, I would recommend reading Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker and put into practice his suggestions. It is a difficult read but necessary for this day and age.
I don't mean to come off harsh but your post scared me for your family. I get bossy when I am worried.
God bless,
Marybeth
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Angie Mc
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Hi Sarah,
I've had to deal with tricky situations like this and this list will be glad to help you with the nuts and bolts...sort of like role playing...if you would like. Bottom line for our family is that no adult is entitled to my family's time or relationships. I know that sounds harsh but hang in there with me. Our time and relationships are a gift that we give to people, not something that they snatch. (There is the honor your mother and father law that is in a different catagory.)
Here is another idea, in addition to those offered above, say truthfully, "We are unable to accept vistors through the end of the school year. We have fallen behind and will need to give full attention to this task. We will call, adult to adult, when possible, (give a specific time such as every other Sunday or whatever you are comfortable with.) The children will write letters and send pictures when time allows. Thank you for wanting what is best for our family."
Now...get ready for the fall-out...the negative reaction...and just keep sticking to your story. Repeat over and over if necessary..."We are not doing this against you, we are doing this for ourselves."
To be honest, Sarah, I have very little patience with entitled adults. You go girl and I'll be praying for you all! Keep us posted.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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guitarnan
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Caller ID. Good door locks. They are your friends.
If you feel nervous inside, there is a good reason. With all the love you can give to a family member, it's still OK to distrust them.
I've had the sad experience of seeing a pre-teen tail after my daughter and try to get her in dark corners...it's exhausting to keep trailing this kid, but necessary (of course he is banned from our house, etc.). I've also had to put my son in counseling because a friend tried to do things he wasn't supposed to. You really, really don't want to be in that spot.
It's not wrong to refuse to answer the door...you can just say (when he calls, leaves a message and you call him back) that you can't deal with drop-in guests at this time or for the foreseeable (sp?) future, and that he and his wife are welcome to call ahead if they wish to come by. If he bangs on the door, don't open it. If he does it again, call the police.
I agree with everyone who tells you to trust your gut feelings. God gave you those feelings so you can protect your family.
If the extended family disowns you, so be it. Ask them if they would like unannounced overnight company every week!
Please trust your feelings. You must protect your children at all costs. Even if this relative is not predatory, he is still playing favorites and this is extremely harmful and disruptive behavior. If your husband can't confront him, you might have to do this, or let the phone ring and the doorbell sound. This is OK.
I think all meetings with this relative should be in a public place, at least until he is totally willing to respect your family's wishes.
Praying that the Holy Spirit sends you His gifts of fortitude, wisdom and knowledge...
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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teachingmom
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guitarnan wrote:
| Even if this relative is not predatory, he is still playing favorites and this is extremely harmful and disruptive behavior. |
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This is a good point too. I know a few adults who were really emotionally damaged due to parents and family members who played favorites. I'm really glad to see it wasn't just me who got a creepy feeling with what you described. I'll pray you can do the right thing and have the grace to deal well with what comes from it.
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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Kelly
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Dear Sarah,
Michaela's counsel of lots of prayer sounds like a great recommendation. With that in mind, and with firmness tempered by gentleness, I'd follow the other suggestions as well: change your locks, caller id, and candor. Can you say that the favoritism has gotten out of hand (which he'll probably say isn't true, and can improve,yaddah yaddah yaddah) AND the school work is behind and things simply must change. THe spend-the-night parties have to go, he has his own family to think of, afterall. I mean, I'd have a cow if MY dh was always hanging around someone else's house!  I have a handicapped sister who occasionally spirals into off-beat behavior,and even if she doesn't believe it, and argues, I find it helpful to begin conversations with "You are family and we love you, but..." I like Nancy's suggestion, too, that he and his wife are welcome to visit if they call ahead and check your hs-ing schedule. However, I wouldn't be surprised if he showed up again, claiming she couldn't make it at the last minute. But draw the line on the slumber parties-that's wierd. Can you turn your guest room into something unlovely, like the ping-pong room??
Family dynamics-and politics-are always tricky, but I would trust your instincts as a mother, and follow up with actions done in gentleness and firmness.
Praying for your situation.
Kelly in FL
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Sarah
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Thanks everyone. I'm glad its not just me. At first, I thought it was just me, but now my husband is very proactive. I've never met a more assertive person than my dh (has its pros and cons!)  (choleric temperment!!)
He's on the case! And we've made a decision as a couple that there's no more! Weekend visits when my dh is here only with his wife--ONLY. We usually get a heads up "I'm on my way" phone call in which case, my husband has instructed me to not be home. If there is just show up visit, unexpected, we'll have to get ugly! I just hate things like this  Its so disturbing. But, as you all know, mess with my kids and its 
I know no damage has been done since my dd is always at my side. We're heading off a preoccupation that is just forming but if a bizarre relationship does develop between my dd2 (the object of this preoccuption) and this individual, I shutter to think what's in her future!. . .
This whole thing has been slowly brewing but over the past 2 months has become obvious and I'm just sick over it! Also, his wife is in agreement. This is a complicated case since this individual is VERY closely related. . .
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guitarnan
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Sarah,
Sounds like you're doing the right thing. The Holy Spirit will give you lots of strength...you received all the Spirit's gifts at Confirmation, so you can call upon them when you need them.
You can't be too protective of your children. Ever. You're really and truly doing the right thing. Also, once this person sees you and your dh closing ranks, he'll most likely back off. He'll see he can't weasel into your home and do as he likes.
(This is just how we handled the teen here who seemed interested in my dd. He realizes now he will never, ever get a minute with her in the room unless I am two feet behind her, and he's backed off a good deal. We leave here in five months... )
Prayers for your continued strength are headed your way from me!
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Martha
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Sarah, sounds right to me so far. Although I must say that I'd lean towards no visits at all, under any conditions. If I can't trust them, then I can't trust them and that's the end of that. I've learned the hard way that these kinds of people are smarter, more devious, and more manipulative than it's possible to give credit for. Nothing against the wife or anyone in your house, but people can always find away to get their way once they are in the door. So I don't let anyone in the door. And yes, I'm a proud paranoid mama! :-D
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Kelly
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Go Sarah, hang tough. We're all praying for you!
Kelly in FL
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Sarah
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The phone keeps ringing. . .I have that stalker feeling!
Thanks for the prayers and opinions. Really.
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Six boys ages 16, 14, 11, 7, 5, 2 and one girl age 9
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ElisabethGrace
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Stay strong Sarah!
I read this thread the other day, and to echo some of the other ladies, it raised huge red flags for me!
I am so sorry your family is having to deal with issues like this!
Please remember that we will continue to pray for you and your family.
Angela in TX
Oh, and I would second what Marybeth recommended.
Protecting the Giftby Gavin de Becker is an excellent resource. I feel it should be required reading for all parents.
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Topic: Handling constant visiting
