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KC in TX
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| Posted: Oct 17 2009 at 7:50am | IP Logged
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I've just realized that my son's friends don't treat him very well when they are in a group situation. It's making my heart just ache to know it. How do I teach him to respond to that? How do I teach him to be assertive?
What are the limits I should teach him is considered just typical immature boy antics as opposed to just being mean? I don't know as I only have my atypical son.
For instance, when there are a group of boys and my son, they tell him that he's the "slave' or the "lowest" in whatever game they are playing while they are instantly the experts or the master. Even though he tries to be assertive and complain, it falls on deaf ears. He trails after them asking why he always has to be that but they just ignore him.
To be honest, I'm not sure what I want to know. Maybe to know if boys will be boys or if I'm overreacting. I hadn't realized this but it's been brought to my attention by my husband and I noticed it the other day.
Thank you.
ETA: I would also like ideas on how to teach my son how to respond to things like that. And, at what point should I approach the parents?
ETA again: My son has high functioning autism.
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KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Oct 17 2009 at 9:12am | IP Logged
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Oh dear! Unfortunately this sounds similar betw. my 2 oldest children! My typically very sweet DD 10 1/2 has been known to do this to her own brother DS 9 and the neighborhood kids all seem to kind of go along. My daughter is not usu. intentionally "mean" but she is def. more of a leader and her brother is more of a follower. That doesn't mean he doesn't dislike this and he's VERY vocal about it and then I ask her how she would feel if he was always bossing her around and made her the "slave" and that usu. diffuses the situation. That may not be the term they use but it's a similar situation as yours.
Since this isn't happening among siblings, I would talk with your son about how he feels about it. Does he FEEL bullied? Does he FEEL that's a nice thing to play the "slave"? Does he like the others always being the boss? I know feelings aren't everything but this will maybe help you discern where to lead him to make the playtime more enjoyable if it's causing him concern. I've also realized that some people are more natural leaders and some are more natural followers so helping him decide what to follow as opposed to being confrontational may be more appropriate.
I will say that my son does better at one on one play as opposed to group play b/c of the dynamics so may be you could encourage that.
Best,
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Amanda
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| Posted: Oct 19 2009 at 7:12am | IP Logged
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KC,
I am not awake enough to write the answer I'd like to, but I would like to offer a couple of thoughts for now.
I have a 12-year-old with Asperger Syndrome. I know what you're talking about! I always have to de-brief my son after group play. Last week, I discovered that a group of boys were trading Legos and a 7-year-old told my son, "My mom says you have to give me two Legos for every one of mine," and my son believed him. (He did ask why, though, which is progress for him.)
How close are you to the other moms? If you're close to one or more of them, it might be time to mention it to one of them privately--not to present it as A Problem, but to tell them that your son feels as if he's always the slave, and to ask them to help you keep an eye on it.
Have to go help my dd with something, but hope to stop back later and see what you may say!
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mom to ds '97, dd '03, ds '07, and dd 1/11
St. Margaret Clitherow Homeschool
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mom3aut1not
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| Posted: Oct 19 2009 at 9:08pm | IP Logged
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KC,
I know what you mean. Some Catholic hsed kids really hurt my pddnos dd very badly several years ago. They only played with her when no "normal" kid was around and excluded her otherwise. The last time we had an interaction with one of these kids, she was so rude! We invited her alone to a movie with my dd; she dumped my dd altogether and talked to some other friends she happened to meet. That was it. We never had anything to do with any of those kids again. Unfortunately, the damage had already been done. My dd became shy and uncertain, retreating to safe and secure situations.
My dd did have one person who was a friend -- non-Catholic but kind. We have lost contact with her, but I remember her with gratitude. She truly liked my dd and was able to appreciate her.
A mom I know once said,"If someone's not happy, it's not a game." That might be a good rule of thumb for your son. Perhaps creating a social story about playing and limits might be a good idea.
In Christ,
Deborah
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Deborah
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Amanda
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| Posted: Oct 19 2009 at 9:32pm | IP Logged
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KC,
How old is your ds again?
I asked my ds what advice he would give your son and he said, "He should initiate the play so that he gets to decide who gets to be what." Now, that may not be your son's way, and/or the other kids may just ignore him, but I thought I'd throw that out there, since he gave it some thought. (It was actually a good social exercise for him, so thanks.) :-)
I have kind of given up on the group play thing, although sometimes it's very hard to circumvent when, say, we moms are meeting and the kids are running around the park. My son will walk away if he thinks the other kids aren't being fair. I've sometimes noticed that a younger boy or boys will also break off from the group--perhaps they are also marginalized in the activity?--and play with my ds.
As for your question about whether "boys will be boys"--yes, I think this is typical boy behavior, but that doesn't mean we have to encourage it or let it go uncorrected. One of the advantages of homeschooling, as I see it, is that have more opportunity to observe our child making typical (but uncaring) choices and guide them to make better choices. (Sorry, using "typical" to denote "regular" or "common," not "developing at the usual rate.")
Of course, the tricky thing is that the other moms have to also see homeschooling that way! It's sooo sticky sometimes.
For your son's sake, perhaps this would be an opportunity to learn to walk away from unequal/exploitative relationships/situations, even if there's pleasure to be had in them?
I wish I had better answers for you, but this is something I struggle with, as well.
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mom to ds '97, dd '03, ds '07, and dd 1/11
St. Margaret Clitherow Homeschool
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4Real Forums : Special Blessings
Topic: Boys in groups
