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Bella
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| Posted: April 01 2008 at 10:49am | IP Logged
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Hi Ladies,
I am so low right now, so please pardon my poor,negative,self-pitying attitude. 
I am at the end of my rope with my DD. Her dxed Panic and Anxiety Disorder are so disruptive every day, and presently so out of control. I feel I have nowhere to turn, nobody understands, and I am terrified for her and our future.
I took her out of therapy, as it wasn't helping, she hated going, and it cost a fortune. But oh my! Things are getting so horrible that she is limiting herself to so few things, and her issues are having a horrible impact on the family. For ex: she is afraid to go anywhere, because she is afraid she will throw up. I have to drive an hour away to my docs and new dentist, and she refuses to go because she is afraid she will throw up, the car will crash,our house will burn down, and on and on. She is suffering so horribly, and I feel helpless in trying to help her. She complains of stomach aches everyday(she is medically fine), and will not fall asleep by herself-and fights falling asleep because she fears she will die in her sleep. This means most nights she is still awake at midnight! And so am I.
I sat her down to read a book that she agreed to read if I pulled her out of therapy. She had such a horrible panic attack before chapter two began that she was begging me to call 911. It was so horrific, there are just no words.
The one good thing that came out of that horrible night, was the fact that she revealed that she hated me for *me*being sick her whole life, that she blames me for her anxiety issues(I have them also) and that she feels she will never live a normal life like other kids. Her words were this,"How would you feel if your mom was sick your whole life, that your only memory is your mom being sick, and that every day you wake up, you wonder if this is the day she will die?!" 
As hard as it was to hear, I felt that she was actually in tune with her true feelings, and she *finally* admitted to what my DH and I have suspected all along-that my chronic illnesses have been at the root of her anxiety and panic disorder that came on about two plus years ago.
She sadly blames God for giving her a sick mommy, and blames God for her own emotional issues.
Today I lost it with her, as I told her that before anyone else could help her, she needed to help herself. She refuses to let me help her with books, therapy, talking to our priest,etc..
My heart is so broken in a million pieces right now. She used to be such a happy, well-adjusted child. After my last surgery(which was half way across the country via plane) she becane a different child. I just want my daughter back so badly!!!!!!!!!
If you've read this far, bless your heart, I just needed somewhere safe to vent-and ya'll got the short version.
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Peace and Blessings,
Bella
Wife and Mom to my sweeties!
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Roomfor3more
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| Posted: April 01 2008 at 11:08am | IP Logged
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Oh, Christy!
You have to know that I suffer from post "seeing my mama sick for sooo long".... myself!!!!
I didn't start with all of the worst attacks wwithin my mind and body until I was 19 years old. They got worse for several years until I knew I'd just die!!!!!!!
But God eventually (after letting me melt in His loving Potter's Oven) lead me to a psychiatrist whom prescribed ZOLOFT for me, and it was a Miracle!
There's no coincidence that you wrote with such a weary heart today! I'm actually going to my twice-yearly appointment with this psychiatrist today.
Also, I've been praying a lot for understanding suffering and on listening to Fr. John Riccardo on The Choices We Face (EWTN), he mentioned the ability of Immaculee Ilibagiza forgiveness after such INTENSE mental and physical suffering. If you remember she's the precious Child of God who was hiding in the bathroom during the Rwanda genocide in '94..
The reason I bring this up is because Immaculee's physical and spiritual torture is an awful lot like the suffering we (those with anxiety disorders) suffer in our bodies. For some unknown cause, our temperaments can "feel" another's pain and simply feel scared to death!!!
I'm praying for you and your DD and family for that matter.
I went on the Interet today and saw that on Theresa Tommeo's (Ave Maria radio.net) website, Imaculee is going on pilgrimage with Steve Ray and Theresa Tomeo to the Holy Land (which not coincidentally began today).
I don't know how this helps you at all, but, just from my being "tuned in to" the sufferings of this Child of God today, I feel a Godly, spiritual connection with her past pain. We are all a communion of beloved's of God Almighty! We will have horrible pain and suffering and agony of body and mind and spirit at one time or another or even for a lifetime! Have Mercy on your DD and see if you can't get her on Zoloft or Paxil.
I'm on my way to the doctor's appointment.
May God give you a quiet peace today! AMEN
Liz
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guitarnan
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| Posted: April 01 2008 at 11:48am | IP Logged
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Christy,
Anxiety disorders can begin with any kind of worry. My aunt's mental health issues began when she began to fear that her beloved caregiver would not return from gallbladder surgery.
You didn't make yourself OR her sick. She can't see that right now, but that day will come. Please don't give up. (I know you won't, but on down days like this one, it is hard to feel motivated to keep trying.)
Cyberhugs for you...and prayers, too...
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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KC in TX
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| Posted: April 01 2008 at 12:04pm | IP Logged
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I'm so sorry! I wish I had more words of wisdom. What I do have are prayers. 
__________________
KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: April 01 2008 at 2:56pm | IP Logged
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Christy -
I am so sorry things seem to be going so badly right now. Praying that things get better and that you all are able to find the help you need.
Peace,
Nancy
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Lara Sauer
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| Posted: April 01 2008 at 3:07pm | IP Logged
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St. Dymphna, pray for us.
You and your daughter will be in our prayers.
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You can take the girl out of Wisconsin, but you can't take the Wisconsin out of the girl!
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jdostalik
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| Posted: April 01 2008 at 6:04pm | IP Logged
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Dear, Dear Christy,
God loves you and your dear little daughter so much. Please know that we will hold you close in prayer as you suffer so much right now. We all have crosses to carry in our lives, but your family's seem very heavy.
Much love to you--and our Rosary will be for your intentions tonight.
__________________
God Bless,
Jennifer in TX
wife to Bill, mom to six here on earth and eight in heaven.
Let the Little Ones Come
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Taffy
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| Posted: April 01 2008 at 7:23pm | IP Logged
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Christy
Praying that you'll feel better soon. You are not the cause of your daughter's issues, you're simply a convenient scapegoat.
Did your daughter hate therapy because of the therapist? In other words, was there a personality clash? Was she making any progress with therapy? Therapy for her issues is undoubtedly hard and unpleasant but, if therapy was helpful, then I think you should have her begin it again. As Liz had mentioned, drugs such as Zoloft may help. BUT, I think that you're better off trying the cognitive behavioural therapy because of her age. She's undoubtedly either beginning puberty or is well into it and that alone will make her feelings harder to deal with. The effects of drugs on the developing mind aren't well understood and I would be VERY cautious before using them.
Praying for you!
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
Susan's Soliloquy
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10 Bright Stars
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Praying for you!
__________________
Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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MarilynW
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| Posted: April 02 2008 at 9:04am | IP Logged
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Dear Christy - I pray for you a lot and I am praying for your dd.
I feel bad for complaining about my minor chronic problems when you have such huge items on your plate.
I have written an post on suffering which may help you. I want to write more - Redemptive Suffering
I have a cd by Scott Hahn - which I would be happy to send you if you would like.
Hugs my friend
__________________
Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
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Bella
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| Posted: April 02 2008 at 9:24am | IP Logged
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Liz, Thankyou for sharing your story, and advice. I am sorry that you have had these types of struggles, but I am so happy to hear that you found something that really helped you after so many years of suffering. You are so right about the suffering of those of us with panic/anxiety/OCD...it is an invisible, sometimes debilitating suffering.
Nancy in MD, I am sorry about your Aunt. From my readings, I understand that worries and fears can come on for any reason-even those that make no sense to most! For kids, so many studies have revealed that the ages of 9-13 are critical for the onset of worries,fears,anxieties,panic and OCD. For my DD, the two therapists she has seen both told me that for her, *the* event that set this all off, was me flying to California to have a surgery, followed by a horrible experience at our parish school-which we had enrolled her in while I was recovering from my surgery.Thanks for the hugs and prayers.
KC,Nancy,Lara and Jennifer in TX-thankyou so much for the prayers-we most definitely need them. And I will google the Saint you mentioned-this convert is still learning about these great people in heaven-slowly.
Susan, we tried two different therapists-both specializing in CBT for children. One was a seasoned Mom who had a DC of her own with mental/emotional challenges. The other therapist was younger, newly married, but head of our Catholic Social Services. It really didn't matter who she was seeing-she hated(her words) both of them. Getting her to go to therapy was torture for her, me and DS(as he was dragged along). She called me the worse mom, and said if I really loved her I wouldn't let her go. I was just really confused about keeping her in-DH and I would ask ourselves if it was making things worse, or did we just need to hang in there longer. But, I did take her out(DH left it up to me), as she seemed to have so much shame wrapped around her issues to begin with, and viewed herself as even more flawed because she had to see a psychologist. She is alwasy terrified that someone will find our her secret.  Both therapists described DD as *very* guarded. The first one even said that by the sixth or seventh session, most DC start to come around. She said DD was nowhere near that point. She also kept urging me to get her tested for giftedness(?!), as she said at times she was blown away from some of the answers DD would give her, or comments DD made about things in the therapists office, yet was emotionally immature-both signs of giftedness. The plus on this particular therapist, was that she had a Masters in Educational Psychology, and was very pro-HSing.In fact, she said it would ruin our DD to put her into a classroom setting. Her studies were focused on the involvement of parents in their DC's learning! Both therapists had said that at DD's age, CBT is very effective, eliminating the need for meds. And really Susan, I agree with you about meds. I personally have been a victim of the pharmaceutical industry-being a guinea pig for drugs that only did more damage to my body. And, I too, have read how risky it is to give meds to developing minds/bodies. Though DD sees me take my meds, and begs me to get her on them to end her pain, I have explained to her over and over, that she is at the age where therapy is the most effective tool to fight anxiety and panic...but she is 11 and can't see this. And yes, the onset of puberty is making all of this worse. She is already at the age where *everything* is embarrassing and a huge issue to her, and she definitely has concerns about her body changing.
Kim-thankyou for taking the time to write your post. I started reading it, but was pulled away from my DC. I will reread it, and PM you.
A very big thankyou to a very honest,sweet member here who PMed me. Her post brought me to my knees in both tears and prayers. And after more prayer and discussion with DH, we are putting DD back into therapy-just not sure where to turn-go back to the ladies who tried to help us before, or try someone new? I do have a LOT of fear about trying someone new. Because of our unique circumstances with illness and HSing, it is always possible to have an outsider look in, and see red flags.Of course that is satan putting the fear in me, but please pray for me that I am able to discern the direction we need to go.
Many,many thanks for the PMs and the replies here. I know your time is precious, and it is greatly appreciated.
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Peace and Blessings,
Bella
Wife and Mom to my sweeties!
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Bella
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| Posted: April 02 2008 at 9:38am | IP Logged
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Marilyn, thankyou so much. I received the CD that you had suggested to me before-I am sorry I forgot to let you know that. It has been very helpful to me(see my sig line!), now, if only I could get my precious DD to not hate God for our suffering. I truly THANK GOD for my suffering,so much good has come from it, and He really knew that this suffering would change me for the better. But I do want to scream to God,"I get it you most Holy,Precious Creator!!"  But, my DD does not, but I will not stop helping her to see the value in suffering. And I do make it clear to her that God is in control, and that we are in this as a family.
And Marilyn, it is so many times the little things in life that can cause so much turmoil and throw us off. Please don't apologize for what you seem samll sufferings! I am posting here in a forum where there are MOMs of DC who will never talk or see, or read or dance,etc.. I do believe suffering can come in so many shapes and sizes. I tis just important that we are here to offer what support we can-and prayers are so powerful.
As an aside, I read your blog a lot, and your "daily eight" really made me look at my days with my DC! Many times on this board, you have touched me in various ways-thankyou.
Well, I am off to get ready for an appt. with a dentist that is going to start a very long process of removing mercury from my mouth-as I have been newly dxed with Mercury poisoning....which may be the answer to many puzzling health issues I have. Hey! Just another day!
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Peace and Blessings,
Bella
Wife and Mom to my sweeties!
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Taffy
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| Posted: April 02 2008 at 10:54am | IP Logged
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You know, Christy, I'm wondering if there is an interest that your daughter has that might be used to help distract her from all her issues? I know that the issues will certainly still be there, but having an interest that is totally apart may give her an escape and a means to cope?
I've been involved in therapeutic riding as a volunteer and as a parent and have found working with horses to be very beneficial to those suffering from anxiety and other mental health issues. Personally, it's helped me get over many issues. My son who has autism is becoming more confident and assertive the more he rides.
Music is also useful for this. My sister has an incredibly stressful life due to personal issues. For her, music is an escape, a huge stress reliever, and something that brings her great joy (as horses do for me). Music therapy has also shown many benefits. I do know that my son with autism has also benefited from learning to play the piano and communicate on a different level.
Would horses or music be something that your daughter would like to pursue? Or knitting/crochet/crafting?
Praying...
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
Susan's Soliloquy
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Bella
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| Posted: April 04 2008 at 6:42pm | IP Logged
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Susan,
Wow. My sister just suggested the same things for our DD! 
It happens to be that DD is *very* in to music( a little challenge we have right now, is keeping Hannah Montana out of our home ). But really, she listens to classical and jazz every day. She does sing in a chorus and takes music at the PS(which I regret, but we are sticking it out for the year), but she really,really wnts to play the piano! I have wondered if getting the ball rolling toward that would help her. Ugh! Everything is so expensive-we would have to first get a piano, then pay for lessons. I know it is a *great* investment though.I am going to look into whether or not there is some form of Music Therapy available.
And horseback riding...she has begged us for years to let her take lessons. Two of her friends take lessons, and both have invited her out to watch one of their rides. It was the expense that kept us from saying yes-she had been taking dance, and we just couldn't afford both. With her age, the appropriate dancing is probably non-existent,as she doesn't like ballet. So! Maybe now would be a good time to look into riding again. I think it would be good for her on many levels...it requires hard work,responsibility,there is no performance aspect to it, and once she got to a certain point, it would be therapeutic!
Hmm...lots to consider, but these are great ideas. Thankyou very much.
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Peace and Blessings,
Bella
Wife and Mom to my sweeties!
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donnalynn
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My daughter has a good friend who went through a very scary patch - I'm not even sure what the "official" diagnosis turned out to be but she was even hospitalized for a time.
This all happened around age 11 - she's now 15 and doing very well.
After she stabilized - and she did need medication - she started horse back riding lessons! Even if money is an issue I would look into it - some barns offer reduced fees for help with the work. This girl and her mother both help around the barn to offset the expense.
It has been really wonderful her! I think there is something about caring for another animal that can really help with the emotional life. You have to get know the animals moods and know that your emotional state will have an effect on the animal - I think it gives a chance to practice self reflection in a non confrontational way.
Sometimes the person to person therapy can be very scary - too intimate, maybe? But an animal will often reflect your mood in its behaviour - so it offers the opportunity to check your own emotional state - does that make any sense?
And the only other thought I wanted to offer about medication is that I believe in certain circumstances medication can help break a cycle of destructive thoughts so that a person can truly be present and benefit from other kinds of therapies.
As a back up - I would start asking people you trust to be discreet about a good psychiatrist - they are out there - I remember when I worked in an ICU as a secretary there was one psychiatrist we would always call if we had young person (usually an overdose situation) in our unit even if he wasn't the psychiatrist on call - because we knew he was good with young people.
I'll be praying for you and your daughter...I know it helped my friend and her daughter.
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donnalynn
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Mackfam
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| Posted: April 05 2008 at 1:22pm | IP Logged
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Oh, Christy! How my heart aches for you and your precious daughter. You have been given a very heavy Cross! Know that you and your daughter are in my prayers.
Our Lady of Good Remedy, pray for them.
St. Dymphna, pray for them.
Many, many hugs to you dear Christy.
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19, ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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Bella
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| Posted: April 05 2008 at 6:25pm | IP Logged
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Donna- thanks for sharing your friend's experience. I agree about the therapeutic quality in caring for animals. If we do take lessons, it will have to be at a barn where we can work for part of the lessons-which would be great for DD.I agree that the person to person talk can be too intimate-especially at anage where *everything* is embarrassing already! Animals are powerful therapy-it just may be what DD needs. Thanks!
Oh Jennfier, thanks for your kind words...and the links! I certainly have needed all of the hugs you dear Ladies have given me.
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Peace and Blessings,
Bella
Wife and Mom to my sweeties!
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mcchatty
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| Posted: April 09 2008 at 6:32pm | IP Logged
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I can truly feel your pain- watching your child suffer is awful. Our Holy Mother knows this even better than we do.
I have just a few thoughts
1- whatever your illneses and shortcomings, you did not CAUSE your daughters anxiety issues. There is a genetic component in this illnesses. If you both had sickle cell anemia, you wouldn't feel you were responsible- same deal. If she has a genetic predispositon to generalized anxiety, she would feel that something in her world is "why". She is not correct, please try to remember that. I know that is difficult. If you hadn't been sick, something else would have been the focus of her anxiety.
2- You might be able to find a hippotherapist. I know of PT's who do hippotherapy, and sometimes, insurance covers it. That might help alleviate the cost of horseback lessons.
3- if there is a university near you with a music department consider going there for piano lessons. The lessons tend to be reasonably priced,they are taught by students, and your daughter may like having a "cool teenager" as a teacher. You can purchase a keyboard fairly inexpensively.
4- I would strongly urge you tohave your daughter see a pediatric psychiatrist. I would not allow anyone else to prescribe medication,(not a general pediatrician- or a general psychiatrist even). A board certified pediatric psychiatrist can at least oversee her treatment, even if they do not provide ongoing therapy. I wonder if a course of an anti-anxiety medication might not help her to get "invested" in therapy-over the hump so to speak. I think an appointment with a pediatric psychiatrist would allow you to discuss the pros and cons of meds, cognitive therapy. I say this as someone who has one child who is recovering from a serious head injury and another child who fought his way through post traumatic stress syndrome (he saw the brother with the head injury get hit by a truck) I know your pain. My younger son was seriously mentally ill. Medication didn't help. He is now medication free- healthy and happy. Time and therapy an dstructure worked. My son with the head injury will continue to take medication for some time, and they truly changed his life. (kids with head injuries develop anxiety issues, sometimes OCD and occasionally personality changes- which we did not have thank God. It was terrifying. I know the despair involved, and I will pray for you hard!
Please keep us posted, we care.
Mcchatty
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Karnak
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HI Christy
Your daughter sounds like she might have OCD as well as anxiety. Have you tried her on some of the medications to ameliorate her disorders
I suffer form OCD myself and was pretty bad with it at about her age or older in my young teens. It left with meds, not counseling> i found the counselor a bit twit. Usually OCD is caused by an imbalance in the brain chemistry and can be treated.
Karnak
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Karnak
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Also Christy
Don't let your daughter guilt trip you. I have a 13 year old drama queens myself who give me the line you don't love me etc when she is mood or we have had a falling out. MY attitude is tough , just get on with it. At 11 your girl knows how to manipulate you and if you fall for it, she has you right where she wants you. Life is hard for everyone not just her.
Karnak
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4Real Forums : Special Blessings
Topic: DD rightfully blames me for her disorders
