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melanie
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| Posted: Aug 01 2007 at 6:50pm | IP Logged
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Hello, this is my first time in this forum,,,
We have a 7yo here with ADHD, my nephew. He's been living with us for almost a year now and has made a lot of progress...but we have had a recurring problem of him fighting with the neighborhood kids and we aren't sure what to do about it. We don't particularly care for these kids anyway, and I'm thinking of just telling him he can't play with them at all anymore and keeping him in here and in the backyard to play with my youngest son and me. The problem is that my almost 11yo daughter does often go out to play with the neighborhood kids as well. She is doing this less and less and I think she will drop it altogether soon, but in the meantime I can't see punishing her for his behavior...but it will be very difficult to keep him here while she goes out. If I require them both only to play with neighborhood kids in the backyard while I supervise, she will see this as very unfair to her too, and rightly so I think. Besides, I can't supervise all weekend long and her playtime would be severely limited. The 7yo does ok when it's just one kid, but when there's a crowd, like in the evenings or on weekends, he just can't seem to handle it. And honestly, the other kids provoke him. They often aren't very nice or fair to him, and I think some of them enjoy the show they get when they egg him on. Not that that gives him an excuse to fight, but that's the trigger many times. I'd like to hear from others, especially those with kids that have ADHD, and how they handle social issues like this.
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Melanie
homeschooling Maria (13yo), Kain (10yo), Jack (5yo), Tess (2yo), and our newest blessing, Henry Robert, born 4/23!
slightlycrunchycatholic.blogspot.com
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c_rob
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| Posted: Sept 18 2007 at 2:55am | IP Logged
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This is the hardest question to do with ADHD. I have 2 - one 21yo and one 10yo. You haven't mentioned the mothers of these neighbourhood kids. I found them my greatest ally. I have always sought out parents who understand the issue - it may take time to explain it - and enlisted them in sharing the supervision. You can't do it all the time, neither can they, but it can be shared.
BTW - I recently had ADHD described to me in a very liberating way by my GP. According to latest research, ADHD is not a neurological mistake (NEWS!). Some children are born with a hunter instinct. These kids are broadly vigilant. As hunters, they make the best ones as they will know what is moving in the peripheral vision. As sportsmen, they are often not the star player but the captain as they understand the whole play of the game. They are the big-picture people, which explains why many become hugely successful business people.
Ideally suited for homeschool, because they can't comply with the classroom practices. I say celebrate their energy and help them to refine their big picture skills.
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Bridget
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| Posted: Sept 18 2007 at 5:18am | IP Logged
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I have an ADHD/Aspergers son. For years I would not allow him to be anywhere without my supervision. I didn't want him to have an image of himself as a bad kid and certainly could not allow him to go around hurting others. He had such poor impulse control and judgment.
We have worked hard at teaching him what triggers his aggression and how to deal with it. We have pushed him hard about self control. We have tried to show him the difference between bravery and aggression. Wisdom and foolishness.
In the last couple of years we have slowly given him more freedom and he has done well. I still worry a lot and watch closely and ask many questions to gauge how it's going.
It was really hard to keep him that close, always having to say 'no' unless one of us could be with him. But he is so much more trustworthy now that I'm positive it was the right way to handle it.
Now I am bracing myself for the same thing with two more that seem to have been cast in the same mold.
Perseverance, perseverance...
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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hsmom
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| Posted: Sept 18 2007 at 6:35am | IP Logged
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Melanie writes:
"We have a 7yo here with ADHD, my nephew. He's been living with us for almost a year now and has made a lot of progress..."
The first thing that comes to my mind when I read this post is - trauma. Anytime a child has such a disruption in their life they can experience trauma and you may not even realize it. I'm not saying he's not ADHD, just that it could be more complicated. I had a doctor tell me recently there was no such thing as ADHD. I told him I didn't care what he called it these are the things I'm dealing with....
God bless, Valerie
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nutmeg
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| Posted: Nov 02 2007 at 10:02pm | IP Logged
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My oldest has ADHD issues. He hasn't been formally diagnosed by a doctor, but we had him tested by a Davis Dyslexia Mentor, and he went through their program and is doing so very well now.
I love what c-rob said about these kids being picture thinkers, and it really is true! It lightens my heart to see the gifts he has been given, and it gives me hope for his future.
Melanie, we have a similar problem with neighborhood kids here. When just one of them comes around to play, everything goes smoothly. But as soon as another one joins in the mix, they gang up on my son, and he gets so angry... yes, it turns into a big show.
We try to kill two birds with one stone in our approach to this. We promote family unity and charity to ones siblings by saying that as soon as any nastiness starts, then our family of kids is to come inside. That pretty much negates any play that is happening outside, since our family makes up the majority of children outside playing. And since we have all of the hockey/soccer/baseball equipment, then all games are stopped, and the other kids go home. No fun, right?
This may seem like a "cheap shot", but it has actually made my kids stick up for their siblings, and one of the neighborhood boys even apologised the last time it happened!
Hope this helps!
Blessings,
Megan
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melanie
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| Posted: Nov 10 2007 at 8:11am | IP Logged
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Yes, well, I always have said that someone who thinks ADHD doesn't exist or isn't a true behavior problem but just some end of a personality spectrum should spend 30 minutes in a room with Kain. 
Megan, I like the way you handle that. That's a good idea, really. We ended up just telling the kids they couldn't play with this particular child anymore. It's been better all around this way as we have had some other problems too. Now the other family they used to play with has moved, so they have no one! Maybe they will learn to play with each other? 
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Melanie
homeschooling Maria (13yo), Kain (10yo), Jack (5yo), Tess (2yo), and our newest blessing, Henry Robert, born 4/23!
slightlycrunchycatholic.blogspot.com
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melanie
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| Posted: Nov 10 2007 at 8:15am | IP Logged
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Oh, and Valerie, you are right...there has been a lot of trauma there as well and that does complicate things a lot, as well as just a general immaturity due to his terrible lifestyle before he came to live with us. It is evident in all kinds of things...he couldn't ride a bike because he'd never been on one, couldn't push himself on a swing because he'd spent every minute of free time planted in front of a television, couldn't really play outside anyway because his untreated asthma was so bad that he huffed and puffed like an old man all the time anyway. It's been a big effort this year to sort out what is inborn from what is environmental...and in the end, I guess it doesn't much matter, we still have to deal with it!
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Melanie
homeschooling Maria (13yo), Kain (10yo), Jack (5yo), Tess (2yo), and our newest blessing, Henry Robert, born 4/23!
slightlycrunchycatholic.blogspot.com
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hsmom
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| Posted: Nov 10 2007 at 2:14pm | IP Logged
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Melanie, Have you looked at the symptoms for RAD -reactive attachment disorder. They are very similar to ADHD. Just a thought.
Have a blessed day. Valerie
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c_rob
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| Posted: Nov 10 2007 at 2:47pm | IP Logged
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Deborah Grey's new book, "Nurturing Adoptions" has the best explanation of RAD I have read in my 9 years of living with this diagnosis for my son. It's a great book for anyone who has fostered, adopted or has a kinship placement.
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Christine, in Australia
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4Real Forums : Special Blessings
Topic: ADHD and social probs.
