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amyable
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| Posted: Feb 01 2006 at 2:37pm | IP Logged
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I'm trying to come at this from a Catholic perspective...
In the past week we finally received my 6yo's hearing aid, are in the process of ordering another wig for my oldest with alopecia areata, and my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, which while not the subject of this post I'm sure is adding to my state of mind. 
I read support group letters/emails about how each mother was "devestated at the news" of having a child with whatever problem. Typically, in the past I have felt a little sorry for those women as I think we have taken all this in stride with our heads held high and trusted in God's love and protection. But then...
There are the times where I completely break down thinking about it all...the hearing loss, the alopecia (my dd has some patches of hair but it is mostly just barely growing in and falling out), the learning problems, the "odd behaviors", multiple food allergies, bad eczema/asthma. My father said a few months ago, "You haven't had a normal one yet, have you?"  I worry about having more with other problems, even though each problem in itself is tolerable for the most part. My dh, wonderful man that he is, usually gets upset with me and tells me I need to look at all I have to be thankful for.
While I know my dh is right, and I AM thankful for what I have, is it NOT OK to cry sometimes, even years after the diagnosis? Am I somehow not being trusting enough, holy enough? Maybe it's just a girl thing, I just need someone to understand, not tell me either "get over it" (my dh) or "that would kill me, I don't know how you do it." (everyone else)
I know many of you have children with various levels of disability, how do you deal? Have you ever talked to a priest about it, and did they have advice?
Thanks for reading this long and rambling post  I think I'm just trying to avoid deciding what's for dinner!  
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Rachel May
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| Posted: Feb 01 2006 at 3:22pm | IP Logged
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amyable wrote:
| I think I'm just trying to avoid deciding what's for dinner! |
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Me too, but that's beside the point.
Here's a thought, do you think that Jesus cried when he fell with the cross? I do. And mine is smaller, but when I fall, I cry too. Because it hurts.
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Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
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Jen L.
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I am looking forward to reading other, much more articulate, responses to this. What I do know is that it is okay to cry. We should not despair - in other words, we should not embrace the grief.
Don't forget when Lazurus died, "Jesus wept." (John 11:35)
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Jen
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"...the best state in which to glorify God is our actual state; the best grace is that of the moment..." St. Peter Eymard
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KC in TX
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I'm looking forward to the other responses because I do cry even if it's a little on the inside. I cry when I see my son try desperately to have a conversation with someone else and it fails because he doesn't know how to have a normal one. I cry when I see other boys his age.
I'm still coming to grips with his diagnosis and problems. Until he was 5 I didn't even realize there was anything wrong. I just thought he was shy.
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Taffy
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Well, I still cry and it's been 6 years since my oldest's PDD-autism diagnosis. 
I think, particularly for women, crying is a good way to get rid of the emotional stress that, for me anyway, builds up with no where to go. And I would rather cry than get angry at my ds because he's behaving so wierdly, or not understanding something so simple... you get the idea.
I can only speak about PDD, but I really believe that parenting a differently abled child carries a lot of burdens that the average person simply doesn't understand or relate to. And that's terribly isolating. We don't feel we can commiserate in parenting difficulties with others for the very reasons that Amy gave and our spouse, who is sharing many of the same worries and stresses, can only handle so much more.
Personally, I haven't found much solace in speaking with my priest. I've tried autism support groups and generally come away from them feeling more depressed or angry - certainly not comforted or empowered.
I think that it's definitely OK to cry. The key is not to give in to the grief. Cry for an hour, try to get some alone time (even if it means getting up at 5 am) and spend time with God. Read about how the holy spirit is working among the poorest of the poor and how God never abandons us as long as we hold on to hope... faith, hope and love. I've mentioned in other posts that I enjoy the meditations from The Word Among Us which are available for free online. I have very often felt encouraged after reading their articles and meditations. But use whatever sources you can find that focus on how much God loves and cares for us.
One thing that really helped me was learning about Jean Vanier and the organization he founded "L'Arche". There are many reasons why... I'm going to make a seperate post in the "Special Blessings" forum and share one of the stories of hope that this organization has provided. Please read it, you will see how much God cares for us.
When I'm reminded how much God loves and cares for little old me, I am reminded about how much He cares for my children and spouse as well. And that helps dry my tears.
I don't know if that answers your question Amy... I hope you feel better. God does care for you and your family and I believe He understands why we cry.
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KathrynTherese
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I just had to jump in here and say most emphatically it is OK TO CRY! It is even ok to SOB UNCONTROLLABLY. Welcome to the human race; we have limits.
So often, our tears are an expression that we have reached that limit for the day/week/month; it is sheer exhaustion and exasperation. These are perfectly ok, even expected. We should allow ourselves to cry, pour out our hearts at Jesus' feet, knowing that He will comfort us.
Sometimes, our tears are tears of fear. We can cry these as well, as long as we are constantly turning in trust to Him. We cannot just "flip off the switch" on our fears, but we can entrust everything to Providence by an act of will. It does not instantly make us less fearful, but it is all God asks of us.
Sometimes, we cry for ourselves - self-pity. Even these tears God has ears for, as long as we are trying to look away from ourselves and toward Him. We cannot control our emotions, but we can recognize what we are feeling and then ask for the grace to choose something better.
We cannot but be saddened by so much around us; this does not make us "unholy" or "selfish" or whatever. What marks the difference is to Whom we cry, I think. If every tear is shed at His feet, with a desire to turn toward Him (and sometimes we simply cannot - we can only fall in a miserable heap at His feet and dare not look up - but He will in time lift our face to His), He will guide us to the right attitudes toward every situation.
Now I am rambling because of distractions. I hope this doesn't come across as speeching you. I have just found so many people who are afraid that crying or acknowledging their fear is a sign that they are not holy or trusting or detached enough. But that would be a cold, flat saint that refused to cry! As someone pointed out, even Jesus wept - He felt things deeply. Holiness does not cancel out our emotions; it only directs them at last to the right things. I will not extrapolate all that here (I hear you all clapping now). I will simply say, Yes! Yes! It is ok to cry. Just cry at His feet.
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Elizabeth
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I'm so glad Kathryn chimed in. The above post was just little taste of the wisdom she has to share. You might like to have her book His Suffering and Ours to pull out on those days when you feel like no one understands how you can be graeful and suffer at the same time.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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MEBarrett
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I agree with everything Kathryn said. It has when I have surrendered to my frustration and grief that I have felt the arms of Our Saviour around me the most.
When I have locked the door on the bathroom and just wept that I couldn't do this. He gave this extraordinary child to the wrong woman, that I just can't do it. Those can be moments of immense grace because of course there was no mistake. We have this child because it is right and this child has us. It is part of God's plan and I can do it - with help. It is these moments that show you that you need God and that you just need to ask, He'll be there.
A good sobbing, heaving cry is cleansing. It gets rid of the self-pity and frustration which are human and normal but not to be carried around all the time. The act of crying it out helps clear your mind and get you ready for the challenges ahead.
Try to remember Our Lady is the Mother of Sorrows. I have a great devotion to the Mother of Sorrows. She understands about raising a child that is unlike other children. She understands that we have crosses that other moms don't have. She weeps with us and comforts us. She prays for us and our children. She loves us immensely.
So go ahead and cry, cleanse your mind and free your soul from the emotions that may get in the way of your mothering. Then have a glass of wine or a bowl of ice cream or whatever little indulgence perks you up. You'll feel better and you'll be better.
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Mary Ellen
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amyable
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Thank you so much everyone - you have definitely helped clarify things I was unsure about.
Kathryn you were not speachy at all! It was beautiful and I needed to hear every word! I have trouble expressing (especially to my dh) that I *do* trust God, that I *know* he loves me, but I reach my limit, and cry out of frustration and exhaustion.
Mary Ellen, thank you for mentioning Our Lady, Mother of Sorrows. I have trouble sometimes relating to Mary...I know it's bad but I think things like "But she only had ONE and He was sinless, how can she understand!" Your words about Mary understanding what it's like to raise a child who is not like other children, that we as moms of special kids or moms of many have crosses that other mothers don't bear -- I need to remember that. I feel understood now! I really needed that.
Thank you again everyone. I think I'll work up a good cry and then have some dairy-free chocolate-free hot cocoa .
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Sarah
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When I had a miscarrage at 20 weeks. I didn't cry. I sucked it in. Three weeks later it exploded out of me and I cried for two days straight, at times so hard I almost threw up! I should have let myself cry in the first place.
Crying doesn't mean weakness or lack of holiness. As others beautifully expressed above. Crying is great!
They often depict Our Lady, the most holy of woman, crying. . .
I especially like dramatically throwing myself on my bed and sobbing (when no one is looking).
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KathrynTherese
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Elizabeth wrote:
| I'm so glad Kathryn chimed in. The above post was just little taste of the wisdom she has to share. You might like to have her book His Suffering and Ours to pull out on those days when you feel like no one understands how you can be graeful and suffer at the same time. |
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Thanks for plugging the book, Elizabeth. My dh constantly teases me that I don't know how to do that, and it's so true. Is it ok to say on this forum that I have a few copies here and I am willing to share my discount? I'll even sign them fwiw
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: Feb 03 2006 at 4:34pm | IP Logged
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Yep. It's more than okay. It's encouraged
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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KC in TX
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I would like one--I love books signed by the author. Please pm me.
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wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
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Topic: Is it OK to cry?
