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LucyP
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| Posted: March 25 2008 at 4:42am | IP Logged
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[sorry, I thought I would delete this]
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Schoolrmacres
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| Posted: March 25 2008 at 7:24am | IP Logged
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Hello. I am Darlene and our only dc,8year old dd, is diagnosed with mood disorder not otherwise specified. More specificcaly we deal with oppositional defiant disorder and we believe she is in the autism spectrum(aspergers). We adopted our dd at 6 months old through private adoption and it was nothing short of Gods hand running the entire thing.We heard about the possibility of adopting Haleigh in Early Oct 99 and by Halloween we had custody. Our "treat" that year.
We have homeschooled since the beginning and have for the most part used Five in a Row which my dd LOVES. We tried several times to go to a more"meaty" curriculum but it never works and we end up back with FIAR.(Not a complaint).
I look forward to getting to know everyone even though I got here late.
__________________
Darlene, wife to Shawn and mamma to Haleigh Elizabeth, our Gift from God through adoption.
Peace be with you
http://achampionfamily.blogspot.com/
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Willa
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| Posted: March 25 2008 at 9:59am | IP Logged
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Schoolrmacres wrote:
I look forward to getting to know everyone even though I got here late.
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Not late at all! Welcome to all the newcomers.
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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melanie
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Lucy, you didn't have to delete your message, and frankly I'd be surprised if every mom on this board didn't feel like they were inadequate to help their children at some point or another. With my 8yo (who is actually my nephew), I *know* I fail him *all the time*. I wonder why God put him here. He needs so much, and while I consider myself a good mom in general, he is too much for me to handle so many, many times. I am impatient and quick to anger, and he needs SO much patience... Every morning I wake up vowing to be patient and sweet with him and I'm lucky if I make it until lunch time before I break my vow. He also has some kind of mood disorder, they are still diagnosing him, and he will do really well for a while and then have horrible weeks where I feel like he's dragging us all to insanity. He has also been abused, is an 80 pound 8yo, and can be *extremely* difficult to handle. My own two children are sweet and easy and I've never had to deal with a child like this. I have handled him inappropriately so many times, lost my temper when I shouldn't have so many times,,,, we do the best that we can, but we are very flawed, and it's been so hard to even find professional help, to find someone else who can help us. All I know is that it is God's will to be here. We tried to get him for 3 years before we finally got guardianship, and every day for 3 years I prayed for God's will for him, because I was scared to take him in but there just wasn't anyone else. The first year was the worst. THE WORST. At one point I called my mother in hysterics and said I was making a rolling stop outside Charter (the local mental health inpatient unit) and pushing him out of the car. I wasn't kidding. I'm sorry if that horrifies some people, but I'm being really honest here. The only advice I can give is to be really, really assertive about getting whatever help *you* need to manage this. We are still trying to find a good therapist that will help *us* manage his behavior, not just play connect four with him and let him talk about computer games for an hour a week. I think we might have finally found a good one...and this is after a year and a half, and she's the third therapist. Everyone we talk to says, "Oh, you all are doing just great with him, he's doing so well, you all are doing so well," and we are *not*. Yes, he's doing better, but we have a long way to go and we need help! I also highly recommend the books, "Adopting the Hurt Child" and "Parenting the Hurt Child". I always felt so guilty for having such a hard time with this child...like, "What kind of horrible person can't see Christ in an 8yo child???" Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you aren't the only one to ever feel this way. I admire what you've done, I really do. We took this on because it was my nephew, but I really admire those that adopt/foster kids that they don't even know that have these needs.
__________________
Melanie
homeschooling Maria (13yo), Kain (10yo), Jack (5yo), Tess (2yo), and our newest blessing, Henry Robert, born 4/23!
slightlycrunchycatholic.blogspot.com
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At_His_Feet
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| Posted: March 26 2008 at 5:58am | IP Logged
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Thanks so much for sharing that Melaine.
I can really relate to you vowing to be patient and sweet etc. I SO often feel this way with my children. I berate myself endlessly, on those days and am sure that no other mother is half as sinful as me. Then I throw in the fact that my child has a disablility and how could I be so terrible, what's wrong with me... I'm guessing many of you know that I mean.
Now I think I'm not alone.
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Tricia
Mum to 3 boys 17, 15, and 10.
Do whatever He tells you
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julia s.
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Lucy P.,
Big hug  . I agree you didn't have to delete your post, but I understand at least a bit how you feel. First thing. You are a new mom even if you have three kids they all came kind of quick and one of the new mom guilt trips the devil likes to play is make you see your kids faults snowballing into the future untamed and them becoming horrible adults and it being all your fault. The truth is each of their problems, and they are real problems for this forum in case you were wondering, are manageable, but maybe not at one time. None of them indicate a doomed future and none of them are the result of bad parenting on your behalf.
I would figure out one thing you want to eliminate with each child and one thing you want to develop with them. Also, they are physical problems which manifest as cognitive and emotional disabilities -- not mommy's not good enough problems. Get them the therapies they need if that's what you pray on and think needs to be done. Sensory integration, or possibly asperger spectrum or maybe even allergies/sensitivies to food or environmental things. I would have them evaluated -- no one is judging you this is a lot to take in at one time, but it will get easier as you can pinpoint the exact problems.
I don't know about adoption and bonding issues. I know even with biological children you can read too much into genetics and not see the child as his or her own being. If you're angry at their parents for what they've reeked on your children's beginnings I understand that, but in order to help them you have to move beyond anger and a feeling of theirs and your being jilted (perhaps I'm over stating) and forgive enough so you can move past it. Maybe a priest or someone in your community can give you some spiritual guidance on that one.
Sometimes physical problems that people can point to on an x-ray or something like that are less likely to cause parental guilt because it's confined to an area or a system of the body -- the elusive sensory integration and emotive/cognitive problems are harder to mentally grasp and from the outside looking in people can blame the parent when they don't know. But you might be surprised how many people have children, nieces/nephews, neighbors, etc. with these problems and are easily sympathetic.
I know I threw out a lot of advice some of it may be on the mark and others may have missed the target all together -- I just wanted you to get a sense that we all have bad moments -- weeks-- months -- it's part of life with or without kids. Life is hard. But I believe that the worst thing you can do is block yourself off and not ask for help knowing that everybody needs help now and then -- and to understand that everyone here will not judge you for it. Quite the contrary it's a relief to know that I'm not the only one who gets frustrated with my kids' and my limitations.
In my prayers.
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julia
married to love of her life
with ds12 ds8 ds3 and ds1
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Willa
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| Posted: March 26 2008 at 1:37pm | IP Logged
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melanie wrote:
| Lucy, you didn't have to delete your message, and frankly I'd be surprised if every mom on this board didn't feel like they were inadequate to help their children at some point or another. |
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I know I feel inadequate often. Oh, my. This week Aidan has a therapy session almost every day and two on one day. This is one of my big weaknesses. I like to do things myself, my own way; it is really tough for me to follow up with "homework" on things I don't really see the point of. I'm just using that as an example of how my child's special needs have pushed me past my comfort zone.
A local friend of mine has gone to adoption-specific behavior therapy with her child. Some of the child's behavior patterns have become slightly less annoying to her as she develops some tools to deal with them and also develops understanding of WHY the child is acting that way.
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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LucyP
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Thanks ladies.
I feel like I am hanging on my the skin of my teeth. I try to pretend I am all right and then it all gets too much.
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momtimesfour
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| Posted: March 31 2008 at 5:11pm | IP Logged
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Hello! I just wanted to introduce myself here, even though I end up lurking more than posting on the boards.
My third child is Wonder Boy, is 3.5yo, and has GERD and a severe speech delay. His delays are both expressive and receptive - his intelligibility to an unknown adult without context is about 5%, and his receptive skills actually couldn't be evaluated because he just couldn't cooperate/understand any of the testing in January.  I knew his speech delay was bad, but just didn't know it was THIS bad. It finally dawned on me the other day that he doesn't ask questions... ever. He never asks, "what's that?" or "whatcha doin?" or "why?" Never. My 18mo daughter is about as understandable as WB is.
We think the speech delay is directly related to WB having GERD. He seemed a bit inconsolable as a newborn and steadily declined. By 8 weeks old, he had lost a whole pound, couldn't and wouldn't nurse or suck on a bottle, and was so miserable. It took until he was 5 months old to get a diagnosis of GERD. WB took medication until the beginning of last summer. I still wonder if the reflux is still bothering him, some days more than others.
These two things in this child make for a lot of chaos. His motor skills have always been more advanced than his verbal skills and understanding - that makes for an overly brave boy. He has a lot of behavioral issues that affect the entire family. To be honest, it would not surprise me if, at next year's evaluation and revamping of his IEP, we are told that he has other issues. At this point the evaluations say "delay" but if his cognitive abilities don't catch up... well... we'll cross that bridge if/when we get there.
My other two boys are 12yo and 7yo and my daughter is 18 months. None of them are special in the sense of needing an intro here, lol, but I do very much worry about them in relation to WB. His issues tend to dictate what the rest of the kids can and can't do. My husband and I are trying very hard to foster charity in our home and we can see that the other kids sometimes just outright resent WB. I have to say that even though I normally don't like preschool, those 2.5 hours are such a respite for the rest of us.
Sorry to be so wordy. From the other introductions, you all seem like you would completely understand what our family is dealing with, and for that I am grateful. I find that I am easily overwhelmed by the whole situation and it makes schooling the older boys harder than it should be.
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Karnak
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| Posted: April 01 2008 at 7:19am | IP Logged
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Hi Momtimes4
Most of us can understand where you are coming from. Behavourial issues and special needs go hand in hand and yes they are very wearing on the parents and siblings. By the way what is GERD?
Have you consdiered respite so the rest of you can have a break form your little boy regularly. However if you are like me, I never consdiered it until about 7 when my severely autistic daugherter got too much at times
Karnak
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momtimesfour
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Karnak wrote:
Hi Momtimes4
Most of us can understand where you are coming from. Behavourial issues and special needs go hand in hand and yes they are very wearing on the parents and siblings. By the way what is GERD?
Have you consdiered respite so the rest of you can have a break form your little boy regularly. However if you are like me, I never consdiered it until about 7 when my severely autistic daugherter got too much at times
Karnak |
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Oh, sorry. GERD is gastroesophageal reflux disease (aka, acid reflux). He used to throw up many, many times a day. I think now it's more "silent" in nature, meaning the acid from his stomach comes up the throat, but not all the way into the mouth or he swallows it. (So gross, I know.)
As to respite... well, he is going to preschool for 2.5 hours, 4x a week. That's a nice piece of the day. I've had very little success getting a babysitter that I can depend on, but am still working on that. It's tough for the grandparents to keep up with all four kids, especially Wonder Boy. 
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SimplyMom
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LucyP wrote:
Thanks ladies.
I feel like I am hanging on my the skin of my teeth. I try to pretend I am all right and then it all gets too much. |
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Lucy,
I didn't read your post so I have no idea what you said, but please know that you are not alone in those "skin of your teeth" feelings. I remember one day a couple years ago, after a particularly hard morning, I spent the whole day calling around different social services to find help and NO ONE could help. I was crying on the phone with no idea what to do and no one could offer any help, just another number to call another agency or office who had nothing to offer but another number.
Finally at one advocacy group I called the kind man on the phone listened to me cry my heart and problems out to him and then, after telling me about the very limited services offered in our state for mentally disabled children with emotional issues, suggested I take my case to the State Legislator to push for changes in public mental-health funding... Right... I have time to do that ... right in the middle of an emotional break down I am just supposed to pull myself together long enough to become a political activists?
Anyhow... this has become longer than I intended, what I really wanted to say was *hugs*.
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Karnak
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| Posted: April 03 2008 at 9:28am | IP Logged
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[QUOTE=SimplyMom] [QUOTE=LucyP] Thanks ladies.
Finally at one advocacy group I called the kind man on the phone listened to me cry my heart and problems out to him and then, after telling me about the very limited services offered in our state for mentally disabled children with emotional issues, suggested I take my case to the State Legislator to push for changes in public mental-health funding... Right... I have time to do that ... right in the middle of an emotional break down I am just supposed to pull myself together long enough to become a political activists?
I have become every political in autism circles here in Austrlaia for that very reason . I find that when I get fed up, I become very active and literally go for the jugular. Yes I do know parents get worn down, I often think that is what pollies want so they can provide no services for families in the cairng role. If you want approirate and ample servidces for your special needs kids, you have to get involved and demand what you want becuase if you don't, you get nothing.
If you go to meeitngs to demand servides for your hcild, it is always a good idea to take an advocate because you do not feel so alone. I take my husband and we play god cop bad cop as it really puts the wind up them. I go in as the infantry and then he comes in as the reasonable one who is prepare to compromise. I often think he is like a very polite "reasonable" gorilla in a suit.
Joining in wiht other parents who have similiar problems sto get what you need fo ryour kids is the way to go becuase pollies are frightened of the old adage in unity is strenght. I have found by bieng a fmaily of notiriety and writing "ratbag" letters and being active, we have got and will keep getting the services that my mild atusitic son needs.
I often think of that statement in the bible of about strapping on the breastplate of righteousness and the going into battle for your kid. I think Queen Bodieccia msut be my role model
It is often better to be proactive then stting around bemoaning your lot and getting nothing that you need for your son or daughter. Even a letter asking/demanding what you need for your child can make your local legislator sit up and take notice. Going to the press to complain about the poor local serivces is another way to affect change
Karnak
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Karnak
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I must donwload Foxfire spellchecker, sorry about the typos
Karnak
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Willa
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Karnak wrote:
I take my husband and we play god cop bad cop as it really puts the wind up them. I go in as the infantry and then he comes in as the reasonable one who is prepare to compromise. I often think he is like a very polite "reasonable" gorilla in a suit.
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Ha, we do that too -- more with medical decisions than with therapeutic services, because my husband tends to be skeptical about therapy services. I usually handle those on my own.
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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SimplyMom
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The thing with my situation, not to go that much further into the nitty-gritty, was that we had reached the end of what "normal" special needs services provided, but had yet to fully enter into the State mental-health services. Sort of a dead zone. Rachel was too violent to stay with us full time, she was (and still can be) dangerous to herself and others. But placing her in residential care was complicated, emotionally draining and not well supported by any particular agency until we managed to get "into the system". Apparently most families get in the system when CPS becomes involved since that wasn't our case no one knew what to do with us until it was an absolute crisis.
At any rate. Having someone tell you on the phone, while you are crying your heart out because you have no idea what to do and you know that no matter what you do you are going to hate part of yourself for doing it that you really should go down to the state capital and fight for change is rather disheartening.
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Sparrow
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Hi, I'm new and wanted to introduce myself in this forum, too.
Our second daughter is 33 months old and developmentally delayed. After she was born she started having seizures, and an MRI (or was it a CAT scan? can't remember now, so many tests!) determined she had suffered a massive prenatal stroke that had completely killed off over 50% of her brain. It was a very terrifying time, they couldn't really give me any idea of what to expect or how disabled she would be. Oddly enough, my husband was atheist and I was agnostic and she brought us to God and the RCC! Never thought that would happen 
At any rate, she's done wonderfully, though she's of course pretty delayed. She didn't sit herself up until after she was year old and only started walking a couple months before her 2nd birthday. Right now she's almost 3 but more like a 24 month old. But she's an absolute blessing and we just love her and can't get enough of her! But sometimes it is hard, when I see her with other kids her age I realize how different she is. It doesn't help that she's very tall and so looks older than she is, so people do sometimes look at her oddly and stare.
She's had OT and PT since she was 2 months old and started developmental around 2 years. Right now I'm struggling with whether or not to let her attend developmental pre-school for a few years before homeschooling.
Anyway, I look forward to getting to know you all!
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Waverley
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I don't want to hijack the introduction thread but I recently read a terrific book called Tiny Titan (I can't remember the author's name right now).
It is the story of a family who had 6 bio children, 1 of whom had severe special needs. The family then adopted a large sibling group. The first half of the book tells about their family and dealing with a medically fragile child. The second half of the book tells about their family after adopting the sibling group - several of whom have pretty significant mental health issues. I found it a fascinating read - both sad and encouraging. If you want to feel "not alone" I suggest this book.
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Sparrow
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Thanks for the book suggestion!
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4Real Forums : Special Blessings
Topic: Can we introduce ourselves?
