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Taffy
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Yesterday I was having "one of those days" where I felt like the world's worst mother, the world's worst teacher, and that I was failing my children miserably, especially my children with special needs. My oldest (almost 13) has PDD-NOS (atypical autism) and is very seriously language delayed. While I see progress happening, it's VERY slow and VERY labour intensive.
Our six-year old son was also diagnosed with aspergers 2 weeks ago.
Thankfully, my hubby and I were able to talk after the kids had gone to sleep. I'm still overwhelmed but not quite as discouraged.
I was wondering. What do you do when you feel this way? How do you get "over the hump" and deal with your child's difficulties? How do you keep your cool when your child is struggling with a math problem and can't give you the answer even though you've already told it to him and can think of absolutely no way to make the answer plainer?
There's more I could say but I'll end it there. How can I deal with the discouragement that homeschooling my son brings me?
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
Susan's Soliloquy
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mom2mpr
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I was going to post the same type of post.
My dd might have some special needs but I have not gone the diagnosis route-yet.
I have struggled for about a year with many "one of those days." Probably 365.
I have found that praying for God to lead me to the things I need to do, and being able to let go of the things I want to do helps me focus better and give control up to God.
While we appear to be falling behind academically, the family relationships seem to be getting better and dd seems to be doing a little better.
I keep forgetting that there is just so much to learn in life. Not all of it has to be measured--if you know what I mean. We are all different and have different learning needs, in additon to other needs.
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Gloria JMJ
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It seems that discouragement is going around alot lately. I haven't been immune. I have just placed myself in Our Lord's hands and told Him that I'll do what I can and He will have to supply for the rest. Hang in there! The Lord is our strength! The devil wants us to give up because he knows that our children will be so much easier to take if we do not persevere.
I have made the 'St. Michael, defend us!' prayer a daily devotion for us to get us through. I think I'll include the board's intentions in it as well. We are all in this together  .
Love,
Gloria
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rose gardens
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Taffy wrote:
| ...I was wondering. What do you do when you feel this way? .... |
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I eat chocolate. Then I get discouraged about my figure.
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Paula in MN
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rose gardens wrote:
| I eat chocolate. Then I get discouraged about my figure. |
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I was going to say I start drinking, smoking, gambling, running around....then I realized it's probably a reality TV show. 
Usually, I call a good friend and rant and cry. I always feel better.
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 Paula
A Catholic Harvest
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Willa
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Taffy wrote:
| What do you do when you feel this way? How do you get "over the hump" and deal with your child's difficulties? How do you keep your cool when your child is struggling with a math problem and can't give you the answer even though you've already told it to him and can think of absolutely no way to make the answer plainer? There's more I could say but I'll end it there. How can I deal with the discouragement that homeschooling my son brings me?. |
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I have been panicking a little recently about everything that needs to be done before my mothering race is run.
For me, it's helpful to slow down and look at the "little picture" for a while -- focus and try to make that day, hour, minute a positive. It works somewhat.
I also try to focus hard on the positives -- what I AM seeing going the right way.
And I keep a list of things to tackle -- specific little things that might help. For some reason, putting it on a list with some concrete first steps seems to help work against my discouragement.
Starting a novena can help as well -- I should have said that first. Some of my discouraged times are my most fruitful spiritually if I let them be.
As for dealing with the situation in the moment -- I really wish I knew because I have been working on decoding words with Aidan for so long -- he has known the phonemes since he was four and just can't seem to make the jump to the next level -- he knows some sight words but can't seem to manage the sounding-out bit at all. I just keep trying different approaches and repetition and hoping it will eventually click.
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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JuliaT
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Susan, for some reason I missed this when you orginally posted. First,
I know all about the discouragment and the nasty little voices inside my head that tell me that I am royally messing up my kids. Those voices have been alive and well inside of me for the past three months.
Willa's advice about not looking too far ahead is good. When I focus on the moment, the panic abates a bit. Also, it helps to just trust God in all of this. I am 100 per cent sure that He called me to teach my children. I have to trust that He knows what He is doing. I have to trust that He will lead me in the way that He wants me to go. Trust is key for me. I also find that if I haven't been spending time in prayer and reading His Word, the discouragement and the voices seem to increase.
Again,
Blessings,
Julia
mom of 3 (10,8,6)
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Taffy
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Thanks everybody, for your words of encouragement and advice. I have taken them all to heart and have started acting on them.
I've been going through a spiritual dry spell lately and have fallen away from many of my spiritual disciplines. Prayer especially. Since re-starting my practices, I'm feeling better.
Willa, your advice about keeping my focus narrower is spot-on. It's helping.
Julia, you've had a rough year. I know that you know what it means to trust. Thanks for reminding me to do this.
I don't have many friends that I can talk to about this. Most simply can't relate or don't have the time to listen to me rant. I used to confide in my mom but I've been worried about her health and trying to keep our conversations more upbeat.
I definitely need to stay away from the chocolate. 
I guess the fact that my oldest has started puberty is what's causing me to panic. He is SO far behind mentally, but his physical development is right on schedule. It's disconcerting. And discouraging. And intimidating.
Prayer is so important though. Thanks for reminding me. And thanks for listening.
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
Susan's Soliloquy
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4 lads mom
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Susan....I'm right there with you. Today, it hit me that my little guy who has a lot of learning differences, was working just fine on his Saxon 5/4 a few weeks ago, and now he is having the hardest time. Memorizing math facts are SO SO SO hard for him. It is becoming more apparent that we need to back up and really hit the multiplication tables hard. It just isn't sinking in.
What helps me....
-Thinking about God's Infinite Mercy. I love Divine Mercy.
-Okay, I'll fess up....I'm working out now, but my Snickers love affair continues. Ah, Snickers.
-Any of my hobbies....sewing, knitting...they all help tremendously. Just a few minutes here and there....or doing a quilt in a week, ( I just did that, crazy but true!!) I find it nice to "have something to look forward to" when things are intense and hard.
The bottom line, it all keeps you on your knees.
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Taffy
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4 lads mom wrote:
The bottom line, it all keeps you on your knees.
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Ain't that the truth!
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
Susan's Soliloquy
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KC in TX
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Susan, big hugs to you. It can be very discouraging and it's hard to find people to rant to who can understand.
Everyone else has hit it all already. I just wanted to let you know that I know.
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KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
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Taffy
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Thanks KC.  It's appreciated.
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Susan
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Susan's Soliloquy
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Michiel
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Susan,
My younger ds, 8, is bipolar and ADHD, and has some learning problems, and we have a LOT of those days. When things start going well, I wait for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes I am angry at the entire situation, and sometimes sad. But despite how difficult things can be, I thank God for this child. I would not be the person I have become without him. He has taught me so much, and we have been on such a journey - sometimes very heartbreaking, sometimes very joyful.
One thing I would like to suggest is to find someone near you with whom you could start a support group. I started one a few months ago, specifically for Catholic mothers with special needs children. It is so wonderful to meet once a month with people who DO understand my struggles and to support and approach things prayerfully.
Please know that I will pray for you during this time.
Michiel
mother of ds 11 and ds 8
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Taffy
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Thanks Michiel. You're so right, my children have all enriched my life in so many ways, I wouldn't trade being their mother for anything.
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
Susan's Soliloquy
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drmommy
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My fourth child, a little tiny 7 year old was diagnosed with Cortical Dysplasia/Pachygyria 2 years ago. Before that, we thought it was just a strange form of cerebral palsy. Homeschooling was the BEST thing that we did for her, so I try and focus on that decision. I do get very overwhelmed with her therapies and working outside the home part time, caring for my 80 year old father, and the other three children, but I tell myself "God's Will!"...and keep repeating that inside my head. Also, "Jesus, I trust in You" many, many times per day helps. My husband is wonderful, but doesn't want to deal with any of the disability, so I am truly alone with it all.
What works the best is RELAX (if you can!), and truly go one day at a time. I try to focus on the heaven aspect (our goal), which is hard because I get very sidetracked (LOVE education..books, paper, etc.) and can tend to focus on getting things done, rather than the main goal (heaven). Then, when my priorities have shifted, which happens all the time, stress begins to creep in.
My little one has been doing the same math for two straight years with no break.. She just doesn't get adding beyond +1, and I get discouraged with that. Christian Light Publishers and their math program is what really helped her to break through a bit.
Hang in there, and ask for prayers as much as you can. One needs the strength, patience, and perserverence to handle these little blessings. I try to think, WOW! God really trusts and believes I can do this....He has more faith in me than I do...I better get up to par! That is where I get my confidence in handling everything.
God Bless you. I will keep all the special moms in my prayers at night.
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Taffy
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drmommy wrote:
| What works the best is RELAX (if you can!), and truly go one day at a time. I try to focus on the heaven aspect (our goal), which is hard because I get very sidetracked (LOVE education..books, paper, etc.) and can tend to focus on getting things done, rather than the main goal (heaven). Then, when my priorities have shifted, which happens all the time, stress begins to creep in. |
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Thank you so much for sharing this Bridget. You are absolutely right, I need to focus on one day at a time. My son is such a smart guy and it's so frustrating to us both that the language isn't happening as quickly as we'd both like. I'm sure you can relate to that feeling. It's so hard to see how unfair life has been to our special needs kids.
God bless you and all the moms here. You are all in my thoughts and prayers (and many of these prayers are prayers of gratitude for each and every one of you).
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
Susan's Soliloquy
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Karnak
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To be honest I think having a kids with a disability creates an ongoing depression in the mother.They and their isses are hard work and most of it fall back on mum.
I love my son dearly but th eissues caused by his autism get me down and everything is slow going. It seems a case of one step forwards, two back to consolidate anythign . His reading is happening at a snails pace alond with writing but then some others we know hae nto got there yet. So you just keep plugging and hope for the best.
You need to have friends who are in the same boat as only having friends with normal kids can be depressing as they do not know where you are coming form.
Being religious has it advantages as you know things will be perfected in the next life an dyour kid s won't have disabilities, learning problems etc. You can also bend th ears of heavenly advocates when you get down hearted
Karnak
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Karnak
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Please excuse the typos as it is late at night down here in Australia and very hot where I live
Karnak
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drmommy
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Yes, Karnak is correct...one can have ongoing depression. I had read somewhere (maybe here), that there is an underlying constant sadness. Sometimes I think that is true, but I also believe in choices. As sad and stressed and overwhelmed I feel, I try to remember to "choose" joy..which can be hard a lot of the times. I work with people, and most of my patients have no idea about my daughter and my struggles, because they have their own. It is sometimes hard to carry others' burdens, when we have our own big backpack!
Also, I agree with the friends with normal children. They just don't get it...and never will. It is ok. It is hard when they are proud of their child and say, "oh, so and so is doing so well in algebra", and I am just trying to get through N+1 for the last 2 years. I kind of laugh to myself because I am truly dealing with a whole different set of cards. Even park day is stressful...Mary has balance and coordination issues, so she falls a LOT, and while the other parents are having heart attacks, I am just asking, "are you ok?", then I get the weird looks like I don't care, because I don't run over to my child each and every time. So, there are truly issues everywhere, and you have to deal with them alone sometimes. This is where hard core prayer comes in. Prayer for strength. Prayer for joy and perserverence. Just try to focus on the good days.
I feel for all the mommies here, and the lonliness sometimes in dealing with all of this. But, our Lord has trust in us, otherwise we would have not been giving these little Blessings...so I always figure I better cooperate with the Graces!
Of course, you are all in my prayers at night with a Hail Mary for all your spoken and unspoken needs (because don't they change from hour to hour with a special child?  ).
Bridget
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Taffy
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Karnak wrote:
| To be honest I think having a kids with a disability creates an ongoing depression in the mother.They and their isses are hard work and most of it fall back on mum. |
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I think that this is the case for me. My friends and acquaintances who don't deal with the kind of autism my oldest has simply don't understand why I am so strict with him, why I have to be very selective about what kind of social functions he can attend. While he would have loved to participate in many children's programs at the library, for instance, he simply can't handle the noise. Our few attempts were disasters where he started screaming WAY louder than the other children (at a puppet show where the entertainers were working at getting the kids excited) and I had to take him away.
I do have someone close who parents autistic children. My sister has 3. Her oldest is severely affected, she has one with aspergers and one with PDD (atypical autism). We don't phone too often though as our conversations always end up being VERY long. She lives quite a long distance away though. There is no one local that I know.
I think that another issue particular to autism is the whole "autism can be cured if you do this, this or this" notion. All these stories of miracle cures an really get a person feeling down, especially when these cures involve a LOT of money being spent or a LOT of time and energy. I have a hard time avoiding the notion that my son would be better off if we can just find what works for him.
My son is also on a special diet which is VERY strict. His health history indicates that he needs one but we had to start on our own. As a 4 year old he'd suffered the runs for 8 months after a bout of stomach flu. Potty training was going nowhere as he simply couldn't control things. My sister suggested the gluten free casein free diet. After removing dairy showed no improvement, we were ready to try removing gluten but I wanted to have him tested for celiac first. The doctor told us we were nuts, that the diarrhea was simply a symptom of autism and that there was no way that our son was celiac. He actually started yelling. We took gluten out of his diet anyway and, literally within two weeks, his bowel movements became more normal and he was potty trained. He's had issues with other foods crop up later (such as soy) so I managed to get an appointment with a children's gastroenterologist (digestive system expert). After hearing my story and seeing how healthy my son looks, he basically gave me the "smile and nod" treatment and didn't offer any help.
Sorry about the long story but my point is that we have had such a hard time getting any help for him. We've recently moved to a province that has more services for children with autism but they are mostly offered through the school system. And, truly, we've been on our own for so long that I don't even know what help to start looking for. It's overwhelming.
Anyway, I guess that this has turned into a long vent. I know that there are many here who are dealing with much tougher situations and, please know, that you are all in my daily thoughts and prayers. I guess we'll just have to remember Mother Theresa's words more often, about believing that God doesn't give us more than we can handle and wishing that he didn't trust us so much.
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
Susan's Soliloquy
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4Real Forums : Special Blessings
Topic: Dealing with Discouragement
