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albeto
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I have three children (ages 9 - 14). The youngest is staying home for the first time this year. Previously they have attended the local Catholic School. My oldest has rejected the faith altogether and refuses to go (he has Asperger's so there are issues with compliance that can't be conditioned with Church or the whole mess gets worse). Dh is not only an unbeliever, he's hostile to the faith in general, so I can't count on him to help, or support, or even remain neutral. He tries to not show that but the kids see his disrespect. Now the younger ones complain of going, telling me there's nothing there for them, they don't get anything out of it, it's my thing and I shouldn't drag them along, etc, etc. Our parish has no youth group, most of the kids from school don't go to Mass anyway so there's no one for them to meet up with after.
I'm concerned that teaching religion as part of our day will turn them off even more as the Catholic faith isn't really relevant to them. I don't want to use their daddy as a negative example of why we go to Church and trust in God (although it is tempting, I've resisted so far) so I'm feeling a little stuck. We'll start the day off with prayer and memorizing a prayer or scripture verse (not sure what to do with the oldest who will likely heckle us during this time) to help orient their focus but after that, I'm not sure. We have exactly one religious artifact up in our home and it took me 8 years to gather up the courage to do this (a crucifix in our bedroom - I can see it when I walk up the stairs, too).
Any ideas?
Prayer gratefully welcomed 
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folklaur
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okay - this is probably a lousy idea, but here goes.
what about focusing on the "fun" parts of the liturgical year right now? the feast and festivals? at least then they may be more receptive to the other stuff?
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albeto
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| Posted: Aug 24 2009 at 4:04pm | IP Logged
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Thank you!
cactus mouse wrote:
okay - this is probably a lousy idea, but here goes.
what about focusing on the "fun" parts of the liturgical year right now? the feast and festivals? at least then they may be more receptive to the other stuff? |
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Oh yeah! I forgot I have a book, something about 365 ways to celebrate the liturgical year (foods, crafts, etc). I should do that on our first day, shouldn't I?
Thanks!
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tissuebox
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I agree with cactus mouse. Concentrate on the fun feast days and celebrations right now and more will come in time. Ask St Monica for help.  Char
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guitarnan
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I second the "fun" idea.
And...Bible stories. No quizzes or anything, just read Bible stories.
Believe me, they will be grateful later when they study Shakespeare and other literature, if nothing else. Those cultural references are all-important. (And...those readings at Mass might just start to sound familiar!)
I've seen Mass-resistant families come around...slowly, after much prayer...more than once in my life. Pray, and know we're remembering you in our prayers, too.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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albeto
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| Posted: Aug 24 2009 at 4:43pm | IP Logged
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guitarnan wrote:
I second the "fun" idea.
And...Bible stories. No quizzes or anything, just read Bible stories. |
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My homeschool advisor (St. Thomas Aquinas Academy) suggested for the younger ones to simply read through the Baltimore Catechism and talk about it as we read, ask questions, look at the scriptural references, etc. I don't think that sounds too inspiring - more preachy to me. I like the idea of simply reading stories. Maybe I can go through the BC and pick out the stories that are referenced and include some of the Church's insight as a matter of an interesting aside. The oldest one will look through Screwtape Letters with Progeny Press lesson. I hope that will be good for him.
guitarnan wrote:
Believe me, they will be grateful later when they study Shakespeare and other literature, if nothing else. Those cultural references are all-important. (And...those readings at Mass might just start to sound familiar!)
I've seen Mass-resistant families come around...slowly, after much prayer...more than once in my life. Pray, and know we're remembering you in our prayers, too. |
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Thank you for these reminders! I appreciate them, truly.
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Maddie
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Praying to St. Augustine and St. Monica for you, their feast days are coming up here at the end of August.
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~Maddie~
Wife to my dh and Momma of 9 dear ones
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Betsy
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I might suggest finding books to read together out loud. To start I would recommend books by Mary Fabyan Windeatt. This approach will hopefully be inspiring without any negative.
Betsy
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sarahb
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Some books for older kids which might engage even the most skeptical and disinterested Did Jesus Have a Last Name? and Did Adam and Eve Have Belly Buttons? Written for teens, they will not be entirely appropriate reading for younger kids.
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hsmom
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Plan something fun for them right after mass if you can. Eat out, window shop at the mall, or visit their friends. If they don't go to mass with you then do it without them - and linger! Don't tell them up front. Don't rush back. I think this idea came from either Dr. Dobson or Kevin Leman, can't remember.
I'll be praying for you as well.
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folklaur
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hsmom wrote:
Plan something fun for them right after mass if you can. Eat out, window shop at the mall, or visit their friends. If they don't go to mass with you then do it without them - and linger! Don't tell them up front. Don't rush back. I think this idea came from either Dr. Dobson or Kevin Leman, can't remember.
I'll be praying for you as well. |
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...and come home eating a big ol' ice cream cone. 
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albeto
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hsmom wrote:
Plan something fun for them right after mass if you can. Eat out, window shop at the mall, or visit their friends. If they don't go to mass with you then do it without them - and linger! Don't tell them up front. Don't rush back. I think this idea came from either Dr. Dobson or Kevin Leman, can't remember.
I'll be praying for you as well. |
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Hmmm, not a bad idea! I try but I hate spending money just to spend money, kwim? But it's for a good cause I suppose.
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albeto
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cactus mouse wrote:
...and come home eating a big ol' ice cream cone. |
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That's just sneaky enough it might work! I'm thinking we'll hit the Starbucks next to the bagel place. Pick up some bagels for the week and some frothy treats to go.
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amarytbc
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They don't hate Mass, they hate having to sit still. If you don't already have one, call the closest church with Eucharistic adoration and sign up for an hour and when you are there, beg Him to develop a love for the Mass in your children and ask to know how to lead them. It has to be his will for that to happen, so He won't say no and you will be inspired. Every morning and every night put this totally in the Blessed Mother's hands. Nag her about it from time to time during the day. Make private spiritual communions during the day if you aren't doing that also. Sometimes these things change most quickly if you follow the lead of saints like St. John Vianney.
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folklaur
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amarytbc wrote:
| They don't hate Mass, they hate having to sit still. |
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when i was growing up, i didn't like Mass at all, and it had nothing to do with sitting still. i went to catholic school, and sitting still was no problem at all.
i was just booooooored.
just sayin'
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Barbara C.
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I have sooo been where you are. My husband used to be a vehement agnostic. He wouldn't allow the children to be baptized. Anytime I would bring up religion casually (religious studies is to me what baseball is to him) it usually started a fight.
Then just about a year ago he told me that he felt like he should become Catholic. I had never tried to convert him; I basically just wanted him to stay out of the way so that I could be Catholic and raise the kids Catholic. The Lord answered my prayers in spades.
In some ways, though, the damage has already been done with our oldest even though she is only six. She couldn't even answer the catechism question today asking who created the world because she's "not really sure that God even exists". (Thankfully we 3-year-old got it on the first try.) It's a total back and forth for my oldest, though. One minute she seems to really "get it" and other times she's, well, having a day like today.
I once heard that no matter how religious the mother the kids normally follow the religious path of the father. Kind of depressing, huh?
One thing I would say, though, is that if your oldest heckles you during religious expression that is a discipline issue, not a faith issue. It should be treated as such by you and your husband. I would explain to your husband that some day your children will be interacting with other people who will have religious beliefs, and the kids will need to learn how to respectfully keep their mouth shut. And he is probably the one who will have to teach them that lesson. (Are they going to heckle the boss if he shows up with ashes on his forehead on Ash Wednesday?)
As for the Mass, can you get your kids more involved? Taking up gifts? Choir? Charity efforts? And in-depth study about what each part of the Mass is, what it means, were it originates? Tours of churches to look at the architecture, symbolism, etc?
Lots of prayers coming your way. Try to be thankful that your husband allows any religious education at all. And don't forget that miracles do happen. Sometimes the most virulent atheists are the ones who deep down are wanting to believe. I hope that's the truth in your case.
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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RA's Mom
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There are so many great ideas here but I'd like to add my thoughts on a couple of them.
First, as the convert in our family, I'd suggest that you engage your children's skepticism, encourage them to ask questions about why Catholics do and believe the things we do and believe, look for answers together, and don't feel like they have to buy in right away. If you give them opportunities to learn and explore the mysteries of the faith, you will give God an opportunity to do the work only God can do.
Second, I love the ice cream cone idea, but I think it's also symbolic of something much bigger. You need to cultivate the joy of your faith, for your own sake. Although many of us come to the Church because we long for the structure of its discipline, we don't experience conversion through admonishment. Instead we see joy and love and peace and everything else Christ offers in the lives of those who believe and eventually decide we want those gifts.
You're facing so many challenges and you need your faith to get you through. Perhaps you need some time just to revel in the mass yourself. You might even present it to your husband in this way: you need a little respite from dragging unwilling children to mass. Could he hike or read or do something else enriching with them on Sunday mornings for a definite period (a month, until advent, etc)? If you come home from Church happy and energized for the week, your children might start to miss it, and at the very least you'll be able to build up your strength to pray for their conversion. I'm praying, too.
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albeto
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amarytbc wrote:
| They don't hate Mass, they hate having to sit still. |
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Ds hates to sit still, true. Dd hates Mass because she gets nothing out of it. She feels its irrelevant to her.
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albeto
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RA's Mom wrote:
First, as the convert in our family, I'd suggest that you engage your children's skepticism, encourage them to ask questions about why Catholics do and believe the things we do and believe, look for answers together, and don't feel like they have to buy in right away. If you give them opportunities to learn and explore the mysteries of the faith, you will give God an opportunity to do the work only God can do. |
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They don't really care. They went to the local Catholic School and learned the basics they were supposed to learn but in a very detached sort of way. It bores them, it's not relevant to their lives. I don't talk about my faith at home (I don't know how to do that - it would feel so contrived. What would I even say?). Dh is hostile towards Christianity so the subject doesn't come up when he's home. Now that they're home for school, I'll have the opportunity to show them how there is relevance to our lives in the Catholic faith. I worry it's already too late. :(
RA's Mom wrote:
| Instead we see joy and love and peace and everything else Christ offers in the lives of those who believe and eventually decide we want those gifts. |
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Maybe this is part of the problem. Oldest ds has been a major challenge for many years. After years of constant therapy he's doing well. For a time, I was looking into respite homes and boarding schools. Our lives were messed up. Our home was unpredictable. No one knew what might happen at any given time. I have found hope in my faith but not joy. There is no reference in my day to my faith. I don't know how to do that. I didn't grow up with that. I don't know what it should look like without it looking "forced."
RA's Mom wrote:
| You're facing so many challenges and you need your faith to get you through. Perhaps you need some time just to revel in the mass yourself. You might even present it to your husband in this way: you need a little respite from dragging unwilling children to mass. Could he hike or read or do something else enriching with them on Sunday mornings for a definite period (a month, until advent, etc)? If you come home from Church happy and energized for the week, your children might start to miss it, and at the very least you'll be able to build up your strength to pray for their conversion. I'm praying, too. |
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I've thought of this but I'm afraid this will backfire.
Thank you for the prayers. And ideas. I don't mean to complain. I'm sorry if I am.
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Bookswithtea
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Have you considered switching parishes? Maybe if you went to one that had a good children's liturgy for the youngers, and a good youth group for the older would help? Also, we switched to a parish where all the servers are boys. Most of the boys really love serving. Even the older ones. I think its because its become a very masculine environment. Sometimes kids need something peripheral to look forward to, and then the teaching and hopefully the beautiful liturgy (or if nothing else, seeing their new friends enjoy mass) inspires them later.
Oh, and definitely do the treat after mass thing. That even works with high schoolers. 
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and  due 9/10
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4Real Forums : Domestic Church
Topic: Help - my kids hate Mass :(
