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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Oct 01 2012 at 7:58am | IP Logged
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Sorry I couldn't come up with a better title. I'm not sure how to label what I mean,though I'm sure everyone has had experiences like what I'm thinking of.
I spent ALL day Saturday sorting toys in the playroom and throughout the house. I know we need to get rid of some stuff or, in the least, put some things in rotation. But in order to do this I had to assess what we have and get it organized, and that was a huge mess.
So, one of the things I've been sorting are game pieces. I cannot tell you how angry it made me, finding game pieces all over creation. Most games are probably going to end up worthless. It just KILLED me that the boys don't seem to grasp this concept. And they have so many things, they don't miss things when they are lost or destroyed. I was especially distressed about the games.
My husband's boss brought a whole closet's worth of barely used games into the office and offered them to dh and some of the other employees with children. Dh has kept them in his trunk. We've just started playing them occasionally on weekends and evenings and then putting them back in his trunk so they don't get destroyed  .
Yesterday evening, I started playing Sorry with the boys while dh cleaned out his car. Honestly, I'm not the fun parent, and I rarely have an opportunity to do fun things with the boys, but I was excited about playing the game.
Oh. My. Goodness. It was awful. I had to coax the 4 year old into taking his turn each time, and even besides that, it took FOREVER for anyone to take a turn. It was painful how long it took them to even turn the card over on their turn, yk? But, I did my best to be cheerful. But the 4 year old was a MESS, and he finally refused his turn for so long that I decided we should just play without him. Then he really lost it. Then the 5 year old felt sorry for him and didn't want to take his turn because he wanted his brother to play. And that was it.
The weekend of realizing how many games were unlikely to be recovered AND this experience was SUPER discouraging.
And then it hit me!
I love playing games. My dad doesn't like games (he was an only child), and my siblings didn't really like playing games with me either. I was not a poor loser or winner, though I played seriously to win. My mother was good at cards and a little more obnoxious about it, but we played 2 person games like gin rummy a good bit. We didn't own that many board games, and we were always careful with them. Some of our games were actually my dad's from when he was a boy!
Anyway, I always wished that we played more games as a family. I married a man who enjoys playing games (we used to play a lot of Mexican Train dominoes and Scrabble before kids). In that warm fuzzy vision of family life, for me, it always included playing games.
And yet, it hasn't happened. And when I've tried to make it happen, it hasn't worked for all the reasons described above. Granted, the boys are only just getting old enough to enjoy games that require any sort of strategy. But still, it feels so discouraging, both the fact that the boys have ZERO appreciation for keeping the pieces to games AND that when I try to play with them, it isn't fun AT ALL. 
I haven't given up hope entirely.  I mean, there ARE families that own and play games. But it was quite a revelation to realize that the reason I was so upset was highly personal. It wasn't JUST their actions that bothered me, it was how they dashed this hopeful family ideal I'd carried since childhood. 
Perhaps since I have hope still, my ideal isn't "shattered" per se. But it sure is more complicated than my vision of "family game night" implied it would be.
So that was INSANELY long since it is fresh on my mind. But I can't be the only one who has had some particular lingering ideal of family life that they've clung to in spite of having settled into reality in other respects.
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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pumpkinmom
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| Posted: Oct 01 2012 at 8:29am | IP Logged
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Honestly, we didn't start having games and toys with numerous pieces until about a year, maybe two ago. They were just like you said, didn't care what happened to the pieces. Big difference in maturity once 9-10 was hit. My youngest still has to be reminded, but older Ds is now more responsible. Your oldest is the same age as my youngest (by only two days too!), so it may be different in another year or two and they others will follow along soon enough.
Ok, so I haven't shared my shattered ideals yet . . . . . We didn't decide to homeschool until the oldest was first grade, but what I thought it would be is not what it is. The CM moto of education is an atmosphere has not happened. I really think that my oldest spent too much time in public school and already lost is love of learning. My youngest now has spent too much time with older brother and has taken on his brothers view of school.
I really had no ideals of what I saw our family life to be like. I really had no plans for children until it happened and then I was just going along with the ride.
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Cassie
Homeschooling my little patch of Ds-14 and Ds-10
Tending the Pumpkin Patch
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Aagot
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| Posted: Oct 01 2012 at 8:49am | IP Logged
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Yep, I thought my kids would love each other. This was also a highly personal thing for me. I loved my brother and we are still really close.
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jawgee
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| Posted: Oct 01 2012 at 8:53am | IP Logged
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We keep our games in a closet with a childproof handle, so that only the big kids can access the games. I'm not the "fun" parent, either, and I get frustrated at the waste when I see games destroyed because no one took care of them.
I like the idea of games, but with our motley crew the most we can achieve at this point is a game of Uno.
My 6YO loves games, so it's really nice if I can find one-on-one time with him. I try not to play games with the 10YO because he is very intense and can't play a fun game without becoming very competitive - and a loud, sore loser if he doesn't win.
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Monica
C (12/2001), N (11/2005), M (5/2008), J (8/2009) and three angels
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Oct 01 2012 at 9:17am | IP Logged
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Some games are marked for the wrong ages. I think Sorry is one of them. There's way too much strategy, counting, etc. for younger children. We stuck with Candyland and Hi Ho Cherry-O for quite a long time, working on taking turns and enjoying the game even though we didn't win... Things did improve, though!
We tried some newer games - Professor Noggin's card/trivia games are great because there are two sets of questions, easy and hard, and you can easily use both levels in the same game. I'd never played UNO (which is based on Crazy Eights), but my kids still enjoy playing that!
I think my biggest shattered ideal was the idea that I'd finally have enough time to clean and organize my house. Wrong.  We're so busy that it's just as untidy as it always was, and it's hard for me to motivate myself when no one else wants to help tidy things away. I hate to nag at my husband...he has such a stressful job and works such long, long hours...but it would be nice to get rid of some things so I could keep the house looking neat.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Mimip
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| Posted: Oct 01 2012 at 9:37am | IP Logged
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guitarnan wrote:
I think my biggest shattered ideal was the idea that I'd finally have enough time to clean and organize my house. Wrong. We're so busy that it's just as untidy as it always was, and it's hard for me to motivate myself when no one else wants to help tidy things away. I hate to nag at my husband...he has such a stressful job and works such long, long hours...but it would be nice to get rid of some things so I could keep the house looking neat.
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I'm with Nancy on this one. My biggest shattered ideal is the state of my house. I am naturally a very tidy and clean person. I don't like clutter and it puts me in a horrible mood. MY HOUSE, ,well that is a whole other ball game. I struggle daily and sometimes hourly, with the need to let my children actually LIVE in my house. I grew up in a house where there was house cleaning help for my Mom 3 times a week and we were only a family with 3 kids, with all of us at school. Our house was immaculate every. single. day.
This is my daily struggle and an ideal that I will have when my children are grown but for now we live in our house 24 hours a day and everyday we love and learn and make messes. One day, I'll learn to deal.
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In Christ,
Mimi
Wife of 16 years to Tom, Mom of DD'00, DD'02, '04(in heaven) DS'05, DS'08 and DS '12
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Oct 01 2012 at 10:25am | IP Logged
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Small children are often not suited for game playing. They're too active in many cases to sit for long not to mention waiting on others.. I've found that we can play games with younger children (sometimes) by making them part of a team. When they're there their partner lets them do the stuff.. turn the card, roll the dice, move the game piece etc. But the partner keeps the game moving along and the younger child is able to leave and come back.
Matching games we've found are a great deal of fun. We have North American Wildlife Memory Card Game which is fun.. for younger kids you can just use less cards. Some of my littler guys can be really good at it.. but you do have to help keep the cards straight 
OH! and for active little guys I LOVE Hullabaloo It's not a sit down game at all.. but it involves playing and sharing and mild winners and losers.. so helps teach them about how to play a game. (winners are random)Even the toddlers who can't follow the directions well seem to love to run from mat to mat during the game.. I love them playing this because I just laugh and laugh.. so much fun.
Oh and by playing with the older kids.. I think you also help create the desire in the littler ones to learn to follow directions and stick it out so that they can play too.
As far as shattered ideals.. I don't know.. I know that I didn't really have many idealistic pictures of what things would be like. A couple of things that diappoint me a bit.. can't do puzzles if I have to get up and walk away.. I love doing puzzles.. and growing up we'd have puzzles out on rainy days or have one on going that you could stop and work on for a few minutes and then go back to something else. Library books.. I want to make the library work but everytime we get many books especially for younger kids.. the little ones end up destroying something.
I guess what's hardest for me that I wasn't prepared for with a big family is the constant baby/toddler age of getting into everything and chewing and tearing and walking off with pieces and someone needing to learn all over again the boundaries of where they can go and getting out and climbing on stuff.
There's where I feel most hopeless. And is also where I feel people have the least tolerance. Hence the dread of library books.. sure it may only be one book destroyed every couple of years but when it's been going on for 11 yrs.. they're used to families outgrowing that stage.. and we don't..
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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JennGM
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| Posted: Oct 01 2012 at 10:45am | IP Logged
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I have too long a list of shattered ideals. One is that I would be an organized and happy homemaker, that my school would be more organized and scheduled. I can't get DH to understand my vision of our school or home organization, so I'm floundering is trying to "make it work" with what we have, but it's spilling over and irritating.
But the games -- I'm echoing everyone here -- most are for older children. We just ease into some of the games and try to play as a family periodically. Both my boys like to follow rules and after seeing how it's done with adults, they try to play on their own...but I only allow games at their level.
Both dh and I have fond memories playing games, and my boys are enjoying some, but there are still some that can't be done. BUT, similar to you, Lindsay, I HATE the destruction of games. I want all the pieces together and the instructions in the box and I ABHOR destroyed boxes. WHY DO THEY STEP ON THEM?? 
So I do try to control the game situation. I check up on the games, organize frequently. They are up high in a public space, not with the toys. They need permission to play with the more advanced ones.
We do lots of card games, Yahtzee as a family, Qwirkle was for Christmas last year and GREAT. I am not crazy about Chutes and Ladders and Candyland, but they are played often. More play along: Uncle Wiggily, Cootie, Trouble, Checkers, Chess.
For older children or with adults, Battleship, Clue, Monopoly, Pit, Sorry...all games we try to play.
We'll keep adding, but it does take time and maturity. My oldest just turned 9, and he loves games, teaching himself how to play. When we visit Nana's house she has a closet full and he has enjoyed almost all of them. But again, I need to make sure it's one game at a time and put away properly.
So, at least in my house, it's really forming the good habits of taking care of stuff and not game playing.
The playing of games is important for us, because both dh and I are super competitive, and so are sons come by this naturally. The oldest especially needs practice on being a good winner and good loser. He struggles in that area, so we play together so he can learn at home what is proper.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
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amyable
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| Posted: Oct 01 2012 at 11:12am | IP Logged
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JennGM wrote:
| I have too long a list of shattered ideals. |
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Me too.
I'll get back to that later.
About the games, I hear ya...but right now my kids are sitting in front of me playing clue and *almost* getting along. The difference? They are almost 15 down to just-turned-5 (and the 5yo is unusual in that he has been interested in and playing games by the rules for about a year. NEVER happened with my other 4 year olds, or ever 5yo for that matter ) Don't lose hope! 
OK, the shattered ideals: that we'd have a house that fits us a bit (OK, a lot) better. I'm an introvert and having my kids in the same room as me almost 24/7 has NOT been my ideal.  Having kids that listen. Yeah, I know. But *sometimes* would be nice, lol! I mean, they *listen* but they don't seem to learn those things that I have to say a gazillion times. My ideal was that eventually, you know, like after 10 times? they would learn and stop doing whatever annoying thing it was. Like cleaning up after themselves a bit. Growing up if my parents said to stop something ONCE I learned and never did it again. I was also seriously concerned about abandonment so I think I was more anxious about doing the right thing than most other kids. Hmmmm... last thing for now, I had an ideal that I'd have healthy kids and a dh that could be an equal partner in doing anything physical (not just housework but playing ball with the kids, etc). I have neither.
So yeah, I've got shattered ideals. I just keep on keeping on and dream about an AWESOME heaven for me.
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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Erin
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| Posted: Oct 01 2012 at 6:50pm | IP Logged
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My shattered ideal is that my children would ALL naturally love learning for its own sake 
Lindsay, thinking about your idea, don't give up hope yet. How about you focus on you and dh playing of a night, and NOT inviting the kids then between modelling and exclusion they'll want to join in 
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Erin
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stellamaris
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| Posted: Oct 01 2012 at 8:03pm | IP Logged
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Nope, got no ideals left !
Two times in 29 years of parenting have we actually sung songs around a fire. TWICE!!!! But it was awesome...
ALL of the games and ALL of their pieces were hurled from the tops of the cabinets in our "school room" to the floor one Thanksgiving morning...we wondered why it was so quiet . It was the only uninterrupted cup of coffee I've had since I began the parenting adventure, so maybe it was worth it.
My children DO NOT LOVE school for learning's sake!!!! WHAT???? 
My house doesn't look like a Good Housekeeping photo shoot...ever. I always have messy closets...messy children's rooms...messy books everywhere (to say nothing of all those game pieces everywhere). I dream of neat closets with a few EMPTY shelves...
I do plan lessons, but then life happens. And then I plan again, but life KEEPS ON happening!!!! 
I have come to the conclusion that shattered ideals are what it's all about. They are God's curriculum for teaching us humility, knowledge of ourselves, and detachment. It is truly a painful process, and a long one as well.
Here are some words that encouraged me that I read just last night in The Hidden Life of the Soul by Jean Nicholas Grou:
The Hidden Life of the Soul wrote:
We, too, are "planted into the likeness of His Death;" our hope and aim is that we shall enter into the grace of that His Glorious Resurrection. But to that end, we must be conformed to His Death, which was in truth only consummated on the Cross. His whole earthly sojourn was a mystical death. In like manner our new life in Jesus Christ must be a continual death to self; a dying daily to all sins and imperfections, to the world and its attractions, to the senses and bodily indulgences, to our natural disposition and besetting faults, to all self-will, to self-love or high esteem of self, even to spiritual consolations, to certainty as to our soul's condition, and to all that we can call our own in the highest matters of religion [and, I add to myself, in the lowliest matters of domestic and family concern].
It is as we advance in such death to all this side the grave, that the hidden life of Christ springs up and grows in us; and when the last step is won, He raises up the soul and imparts to it, even in this world, the glories of His Resurrection. |
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to  dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
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Chris V
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| Posted: Oct 02 2012 at 1:19am | IP Logged
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I know for certain that I am THE only one in this house that truly cares about the game pieces being put back in the game box with the rest of the GAME STUFF. Their game pieces are scattered into every nook and cranny of our home. I find them EVERYWHERE. Just with your boys, my girls could care less. What I try and try and try to convince them of is that if they would keep all the game pieces where they belong that they would have a much more delightful time when deciding to play one of the games and be put at ease knowing that the game was all in one box, ready to be played at any time.
Then, (several frustrating months of agony on my part) I realized that they are playing with the games nearly every single day; they just aren't playing how the game is supposed to be played, they don't follow the directions, and couldn't care a wit about rules. They use the game pieces in their own play. Example? The tiles from Rumicub - these are tolkens that they carry in their purses to be used as cash when they play "Grocery Store". The Candyland cards are tickets sold when they hold "A Carnival" in their bedroom. The snap-beads that are supposed to be used for making "jewelry" are actually perfect for pretend produce and luxury items with their Polly-Pocket dolls, so they get stored in the dollhouses. And the little "caps" that belong to the game "Trouble" fit perfectly onto the ends of their fingertips for pretend long-painted fingernails when they play dress-up.
So, I've taken a deep breath and realized that they don't actually have any interest in sitting down and playing a game, they're playing the games that they want already. Shattered ideal? For me, yes. I would love to have them play more games and a family game night sounds wonderful! I can just imagine us all sitting around the table eating popcorn, laughing, giggling, and bonding with each other - but no. Not now anyway. ((sigh))
stellamaris wrote:
I have come to the conclusion that shattered ideals are what it's all about. They are God's curriculum for teaching us humility, knowledge of ourselves, and detachment. It is truly a painful process, and a long one as well. |
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I have come to this shared conclusion as well.
I try with every effort to meet my family where they are, not where I want them to be. That's not to say that I don't try new things with them, or afford us the effort to change when I believe that change is good, but when I see struggle within myself - I take a deep breath and spend some time in self-reflective prayer, and ultimately allow the family to just be as we are; often reminding myself that my goal isn't to recreate glories of my own childhood within my children's lives. Their special moments will be unique to them - despite me
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Chris
Happy Wife with my Happy Life
Mama to My Five Girls ('04~'07~'09~'11~'11)
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Oct 02 2012 at 7:33am | IP Logged
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Thanks, Ladies! You are awesome. And a little depressing. But mostly awesome 
Seriously, it feels like all my other ideals have been shattered long ago. I've always maintained that just because I fail doesn't mean that my ideals are meaningless. But somehow, this was like twisting the knife. It doesn't feel like it should be complicated. I know that our memories are incomplete, but I don't remember it being complicated growing up, yk?
And, yes, Chris, in many cases, the games ARE played with. Apparently, the most fun part of owning Guess Who is popping the little doors off  Even the 19 month old will pull it out of the drawer and methodically pop the doors off. (And one challenge with all of this has been not finding a good place to store games).
Thanks for the quote, Caroline. Yes, I'm sure this is just another day of dying to self. I've had a hard time with that lately, so maybe this revelation was God thwacking me in the head a little bit.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Barb.b
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Oh - THe only one in my house who cares about game pieces is my dd (cause she usually ends up setting up the game!) but my boys?! NO!
Also I agree with others who said it is an age issue! Really your 6 and 4 year olds are probably playing with the game pieces - but in entirely different ways the you may think! The pieces are being cars, knight. . . who knows ! So I agree that keep the games where only your oldest can get to them.
Also, when you play with them together like that - find the simply games at first. Also, the 4 yr old can play with you - you 2 have the same game piece. . . so you are really guiding him and showing him how.
Barb
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Mimip
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| Posted: Oct 02 2012 at 11:17am | IP Logged
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Chris V wrote:
Then, (several frustrating months of agony on my part) I realized that they are playing with the games nearly every single day; they just aren't playing how the game is supposed to be played, they don't follow the directions, and couldn't care a wit about rules. They use the game pieces in their own play. Example? The tiles from Rumicub - these are tolkens that they carry in their purses to be used as cash when they play "Grocery Store". The Candyland cards are tickets sold when they hold "A Carnival" in their bedroom. The snap-beads that are supposed to be used for making "jewelry" are actually perfect for pretend produce and luxury items with their Polly-Pocket dolls, so they get stored in the dollhouses. And the little "caps" that belong to the game "Trouble" fit perfectly onto the ends of their fingertips for pretend long-painted fingernails when they play dress-up.
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OH.MY.GOODNESS.
I have not laughed at something as hard as I laughed at this post in a very long time!!!!! Chris you are so right, they do play with them just not as games but as pieces of their imaginary play!!!!
Thank you for that perspective!
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In Christ,
Mimi
Wife of 16 years to Tom, Mom of DD'00, DD'02, '04(in heaven) DS'05, DS'08 and DS '12
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SeaStar
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This has been fun and somewhat comforting to read...
One shattered ideal I have is that my kids are never going to love math. Nope. And how can this be- with dh being a total math geek?  And I have found throughout my life that math has been the most helpful, practical and necessary thing I ever learned in school (besides how to read). I use math every. single. day. Come on, kids! Math is Your Friend- really!!
Another shattered ideal I have is that I am never going to have the wardrobe I've always dreamed of... no time to shop, and when I can shop, so much of what is out there is just Ick. I don't even know where to shop anymore for a sure thing/wardrobe staple. I am doomed to a life of wearing what is on sale and covers me more than a tube top.
And it's not that I'm a clothes horse (NOT)- I just want to look nice. It seems to me all the little bumps in the road every day are so much easier to handle when you know you look presentable, maybe even really nice.
*Sigh*
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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JodieLyn
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clothes.. oh the horrors.. I came to the conclusion long ago to have the wardrobe I dreeam of, It would all have to be custom made.. even when I'm the SIZE of my dreams
it's usually the handme down and thrift store stuff I love.. so I never can just get another in a different color.
Just got a top at thrift.. love it.. tried to find another online. noting even close.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Pilgrim
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Wow, this is a great thread, with lots of wise thoughts! Thank you ladies for your shared wisdom!
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Pilgrim
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| Posted: Oct 02 2012 at 3:41pm | IP Logged
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Chris V wrote:
and ultimately allow the family to just be as we are; often reminding myself that my goal isn't to recreate glories of my own childhood within my children's lives. Their special moments will be unique to them - despite me
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This is great! I love this.
Chris V wrote:
| I try with every effort to meet my family where they are, not where I want them to be. That's not to say that I don't try new things with them, or afford us the effort to change when I believe that change is good, but when I see struggle within myself - I take a deep breath and spend some time in self-reflective prayer |
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I love this, too. Yes we need to instruct and guide, and help correct behaviors and teach manners, but we also need to allow our childrens' own personalities, ways, ideas also be what they are, and not force them to be exactly some ideal of what we want them to be, or force our families to be the ideals we hold in our thoughts, especially not trying to force what we think is fun from our own childhood on them. We can guide them in fun activities, and try to help them learn things they've never tried. I haven't read the whole thread, just saw this, so no one feel like I'm preaching if it may seem like it, I just found this very enlightening. I appreciate this conversation. I think us women can have shattered ideals more than men even, as we are more emotional beings.
I also agree with the other ladies who have said their ideal that has been shattered is a clean house. It just doesn't happen! We get it pretty clean about once a week, but it never lasts past an hour or so! With so many little, little ones the messes just happen so quickly! The other ideal shattering I've had to learn to deal with is when my children's abilities to do school work easily, or retain what they've learned does not match my desires. Or especially when they don't like studies whatsoever, and I used to be pretty good at them and didn't mind them too much, that's another hard one.
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pumpkinmom
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Joined: March 28 2012
Location: Missouri
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| Posted: Oct 02 2012 at 4:34pm | IP Logged
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Can someone start a new post of clothes! I hardly have enough clothes to make it through the week. And I can't find any store local that have my style and I am hard to fit and hate ordering online. I'm not sure what to do? I have to decline all invites that requires dressing up as I have nothing to wear!
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Share Your Shattered Ideals
