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Angie Mc
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Yesterday we began practicing "catching" the thoughts that flash through our mind as we face common daily scenarios/actions such as hearing our doorbell ring, reading about a craft at 4Real, and forgetting to say a rosary. To summarize, when we face an "action", thoughts spontaneously arise that trigger our feelings and influence or drive our "reaction", our behaviors. Our goal is to become aware of these thoughts, to test if they are true, to replace untrue thoughts, so that we can feel and behave more rightly. Willa (thank you!) shared on another topic, this from Alexander Pope:
Vice is a monster of so frightful mien,
As, to be hated, needs but to be seen;
Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face,
We first endure, then pity, then embrace.
On a personal and internal level, our frightful thoughts "need but to be seen." We do not want to endure, pity, or embrace these thoughts out of habit. By "catching" them, we decrease the power that they gain from being hidden.
Thinking (or cognitive) distortions are habits of thought that are untrue. Here is a streamlined version:
1. All-or-nothing thinking - Thinking of things in absolute terms, like "always", "every" or "never".
2. Overgeneralization - Taking isolated cases and using them to make wide generalizations.
3. Mental filter - Focusing exclusively on certain, usually negative or upsetting, aspects of something while ignoring the rest
4. Disqualifying the positive - Continually "shooting down" positive experiences for arbitrary, ad hoc reasons.
5. Jumping to conclusions - Assuming something negative where there is no evidence to support it. Two specific subtypes are also identified:
a.Mind reading - Assuming the intentions of others.
b.Fortune telling - Predicting how things will turn before they happen.
6. Magnification and Minimization - Inappropriately understating or exaggerating the way people or situations truly are. Often the positive characteristics of other people are exaggerated and negative characteristics are understated. There is one subtype of magnification:
a.Catastrophizing - Focusing on the worst possible outcome, however unlikely, or thinking that a situation is unbearable or impossible when it is really just uncomfortable.
7. Emotional reasoning - Making decisions and arguments based on how you feel rather than objective reality.
8. Should statements - Concentrating on what you think "should" or ought to be rather than the actual situation you are faced with, or having rigid rules which you think should always apply no matter what the circumstances.
9. Labeling and Mislabeling - Rather than describing the specific behavior, you assign a label to someone or yourself that puts them in absolute and unalterable terms or describing an event with language that is extreme.
10. Personalization - Assuming you or others directly caused things when that may not have been the case. When applied to others we call it blame.
That's it, only 10  . Let the brainstorming begin! From these very brief definitions, can you share examples of "generic wife and mother" thoughts for each of the distortions? Feel free to choose as few or as many distortions to tackle, just be sure to tell us which distortion you are identifying. I'll start!
All or Nothing: "If my house isn't in order, I can't have company visit." "This darned garage! I can't keep it organized so I'm going to ignore it." "I can't exercise for an hour a day so I won't exercise at all."
Next 
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Marie
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Disqualifying the positive happens often in my house. After a bad day, I'll be venting to my DH and he'll give several good suggestions to fix them - I'll shoot them all down with many reasons why they won't work.
Magnification - " I know this baby will be late to, and be so big he/she will get stuck coming out..just like the last one. "
Should's - "As a mother at home, I should be able to...make healthy meals all the time....discipline consistently...keep my house clean..."
That's a few thoughts. There are so many but some of what I came up with seemed like reasonable thoughts that could be "healthy guilt". How do we know the difference between thinking that is not useful and thoughts that should inspire us to do better. Sometimes, it is my fault the kids are being difficult because I've been not dealing with them all day. Just wondering :) Thanks for the exercise.
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DS 2005, DD 2007, DD 2009 and a new little DS 2011 DS 2014
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Angie Mc
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Marie wrote:
| There are so many but some of what I came up with seemed like reasonable thoughts that could be "healthy guilt". How do we know the difference between thinking that is not useful and thoughts that should inspire us to do better. Sometimes, it is my fault the kids are being difficult because I've been not dealing with them all day. Just wondering :) Thanks for the exercise. |
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You are welcome, Marie. I'm wondering too! We can brainstorm about this. For me, it has helped tremendously to talk with my dh, for him to help me set realistic expectations. It has helped to look at patterns of thoughts over time - to see my "go to" thoughts and to give them a double check each and every time they pop up. It has also helped me to learn more about my attitudes and other associated helps that we'll be discussing soon.
Should's (kill me!) - "I should have known..." "I should have worked harder." "I should rush to help."
Labeling - I label other drivers in a most unsaintly manner  . I had no idea! I'm working on it .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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LisaR
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Angie, thanks so much for these exercises. The problem I have is that I analyze OTHERS intents. I really do quite a good job of anticipating and knowing how others will react/respond to any given situation.
I think this falls into category number 5- although honestly, 99% of the time I am right on the button!!
then I can easily fall into pride.
I tend to not have a high, or what I like to say "unrealistic" expectations about anyone or myself or family, for that matter. This can be very good....
but the downside to this is that I have a stiff, pragmatic exterior/approach to things.
A mom commits to do something for a large group. I "know" this mom, and know that she will not follow through. Therefore I am the only one not disappointed in the group when she does indeed quit and kind of leave others in the lurch. So while the others in the group are sad, hurt, struggling, I have the "I told you so" song running through my head.
does this make sense?
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Lisa
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many little saints in heaven!
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JodieLyn
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Marie does that mean I don't have to keep my house clean all the time? 
I sometimes have a hard time in discerning what is reasonable and what isn't.. and then other people actually seem worse.. I think because they think what I already can get done (usually not as much as I could/should) is too much. I wonder if the idea of 8 children just makes them overestimate what work is actually required.. they "can't imagine" having 8 kids so they blow it out of proportion. (speaking of people irl around me.. not anyone here online)
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CrunchyMom
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I think that numbers 4 and 8 can be closely related for me.
e.g., Sure I got the boys out the door to the local storytime at the museum, but I'm a failure because I should have prepared better for lunch yesterday, and now we are eating the hotdogs I was saving for a "real" emergency.
I think that the "should have" is probably true most of the time, but I how I react to it (as in the exercises yesterday) is sometimes inappropriate. I am trying to be more humble about my imperfections and approach them with hopefulness for next time...
...instead of ALL OR NOTHING where I hastily decide I'll never be supermom so why bother trying to have it together
Thinking about it, its amazing how much further I could take this. Who knew I could have so many distorted thoughts in one scenario
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CrunchyMom
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LisaR wrote:
I have the "I told you so" song running through my head.
does this make sense?
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Yes!
One thing I try to remind myself is that I used to be the person who could organize stuff until I had kids, and what if I hadn't realized how limited I am with three littles and were still trying to be helpful when I'm just not able. Some people just aren't good at gauging things and perhaps they are very disappointed they couldn't help.
Coming up with these types of scenarios in my head help be a bit more charitable in my thoughts.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
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[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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LisaR
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CrunchyMom wrote:
| Some people just aren't good at gauging things . |
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right, this is my problem. I can "pin" a person as to what they are doing, their intent, etc. fairly accurately. So it comes across (to myself, and gulp, to others, the times I blurt something out) as being very harsh and critical when I am being realistic.
however, when I "force" myself to give someone the benefit of the doubt, I just end up being more disappointed, because they end up acting/responding the way I originally thought they would...
I think I think/analyze others too much, and need to take the plank out of my own eye.
I really have a "Dr. Laura" kind of spirit/personality but I have to have relationships with these people, and can't just blurt things out and hang up on them like she does!!!
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
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Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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Angie Mc
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LisaR wrote:
I think I think/analyze others too much, and need to take the plank out of my own eye.
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Exactly! Could it be that mothers, because we do need to keep our eyes on our children, get in the habit of looking at others? I'll think on that. The habit of looking at my thoughts has been helpful because it helps me to keep my eyes on myself...which I sorely need to do.
Let's see, did we get at least one example for each of the distortions?
Overgeneralization - "She will never be any good at math because she is doing so poorly with multiplication." (How's that, Lindsay, I snuck an All or Nothing in there too!)
We're still needing some for Emotional Reasoning and Personalization. Any takers?
Love,
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Angie Mc
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Willa
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Marie wrote:
That's a few thoughts. There are so many but some of what I came up with seemed like reasonable thoughts that could be "healthy guilt". How do we know the difference between thinking that is not useful and thoughts that should inspire us to do better. Sometimes, it is my fault the kids are being difficult because I've been not dealing with them all day. |
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I've been wondering that a lot recently, too.
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Willa
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Angie Mc wrote:
We're still needing some for Emotional Reasoning and Personalization. Any takers?
Love, |
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with regards to Emotional Reasoning:Ok, Angie, have you heard of Malcolm Gladwell??? I am a HUGE fan, I have dvoured all of his books. In his book "Blink" (sorry, can't figure out how to amazon link) he states that actually our FIRST, and GUT decision based on emotion is right over 90% of the time.
and that "discerning" could actually do more harm than good. anyway that has been food for thought. He really has some good points in all of his books.
and with regards to Personalization: I am quick to label, judge people who do this as wanting attention.
like "oh I'm so sorry that we came late and ruined everything for everyone!!!"
"oh my potluck dish looks terrible, I ruined the look of the table- hide it in the back!!"
and they want people to rush in to say- oh no, don't worry, etc..
a way to put the blame on others? how about when a mother will say "well, thanks to your dad not doing X, we now will not be able to do y, dad ruined it!!"
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
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Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
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Angie Mc
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Willa wrote:
Marie wrote:
That's a few thoughts. There are so many but some of what I came up with seemed like reasonable thoughts that could be "healthy guilt". How do we know the difference between thinking that is not useful and thoughts that should inspire us to do better. Sometimes, it is my fault the kids are being difficult because I've been not dealing with them all day. |
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I've been wondering that a lot recently, too.
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In addition to what I wrote above...and I do hope we all keep brainstorming about this...when appropriate it helps to have objective standards to measure our thoughts against. For example...
"I just can't make it to daily Mass every day. Forget it (All or Nothing). I'm a failure (Labeling). I must not really love God (Overgeneralization). I'll never (Future-telling) be as holy as so-and-so who always goes to daily Mass (Magnification)." (I feel depressed and hopeless.)
In this case, the objective measure is the obligation to attend Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation. We can start there.
Love,
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Angie Mc
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LisaR
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Angie Mc wrote:
In addition to what I wrote above...and I do hope we all keep brainstorming about this...when appropriate it helps to have objective standards to measure our thoughts against. For example...
"I just can't make it to daily Mass every day. Forget it (All or Nothing). I'm a failure (Labeling). I must not really love God (Overgeneralization). I'll never (Future-telling) be as holy as so-and-so who always goes to daily Mass (Magnification)." (I feel depressed and hopeless.)
In this case, the objective measure is the obligation to attend Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation. We can start there.
Love, |
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also, all of your above examples remind me how important it is to practice the present moment. to be the best child of God in THE MOMENT.
if you didn't make it to Mass, how are you showing love for God right at this moment?
this has helped me not to become attached to time, either. if the line is long at the store and I realize we'll be late to daily Mass, instead of beating myself up "I SHOULD have left sooner, so this would not have happened" "I got in the slow, or new checker line" (so it is THEIR fault) I just try to show patience and grace to my kids and those around me, and I try not to look at my watch!!
Once I was late and the line was moving agonizingly slow. I had to pick up my son, and felt like a domino effect was going to occur, causing the entire afternoon/evening to get out of sync.
I "made" myself let two people get in line ahead of me, and by the time I got out to the parking lot, my entire mood had changed- and the night went fine!!
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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LisaR
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Marie wrote:
| Sometimes, it is my fault the kids are being difficult because I've been not dealing with them all day. Just wondering :) Thanks for the exercise. |
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can you go back and think of three main triggers that somehow link what you might be doing and how they respond, and try to change them?
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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Angie Mc
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LisaR wrote:
with regards to Emotional Reasoning:Ok, Angie, have you heard of Malcolm Gladwell??? I am a HUGE fan, I have dvoured all of his books. In his book "Blink" (sorry, can't figure out how to amazon link) he states that actually our FIRST, and GUT decision based on emotion is right over 90% of the time.
and that "discerning" could actually do more harm than good. anyway that has been food for thought. He really has some good points in all of his books.
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I did read Blink and our family has adopted the term, "blink response" to help us "catch" our first reactions and gut feelings. We find it very helpful as part of our decision-making. For example, my ds meets a new baseball coach, we ask "What's your blink response?" Then we add, hold onto that and we'll see what evolves over time. Most of the time, our blink response is on target...a very helpful tool. (We also connect this with issues of physical safety and strangers, but that is another topic!)
Emotional Reasoning is a bit different, I think. How about this...
Emotional Reasoning - "If you loved me, you would..."
Which gets us to the feelings that distorted thoughts can trigger. The theory of cognitive distortions came as an answer to problems faced by people who are depresed. They often feel anxious, despairing, hopeless, discouraged, dissatisfied, sad and angry. Can we say that if we feel these feelings then there is likely a thinking distortion triggering it? I think this is often the case (with the obvious exception - true grief, which we'll discuss later.)
Let's see if we can work backwards. Think of a time when you felt one of the above feelings or the like. Can you look backwards and find a thinking distortion?
For example, in the Daily Mass scenario, when I see the All or Nothing thinking, I might find relief and aim to attend daily Mass one day a week (which is better than never.) When I see the labeling, I might find relief in the truth that I'm not a failure...I do many things well (I'm feeling better already.) When I see the Overgeneralization, I might find relief knowing that I show God my love in many ways and that I can trust Him to help me. When I see the Future-telling, I might find relief knowing that God will give me the time I need to become holy. When I see the Magnification, I might find relief knowing that very few people are privileged and healthy to go to daily Mass every single day. Now that I'm feeling better , I can look for help from my dh, priest, or supportive family member or friend to problem-solve how and when to go to daily Mass.
I'm struggling to be clear and brief! Am I close?
ETA - I was cross-posting with Lisa .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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JodieLyn
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There's a difference between intuitive reasoning (which it sounds like "Blink" is?) and emotional reasoning.
I can't explain it.. but there's a level of response that is wordless.. often having to do with matters of trust.. that simply is.. and is right a lot of the time.
Which is entirely different than when my feelings are hurt for example and I decide that that person must hate me or surely they'd KNOW that they... blah blah blah.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
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Angie Mc
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JodieLyn wrote:
There's a difference between intuitive reasoning (which it sounds like "Blink" is?) and emotional reasoning.
I can't explain it.. but there's a level of response that is wordless.. often having to do with matters of trust.. that simply is.. and is right a lot of the time.
Which is entirely different than when my feelings are hurt for example and I decide that that person must hate me or surely they'd KNOW that they... blah blah blah. |
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You explained it very well, Jodie! Thank you - very helpful.
Love,
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Angie Mc
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Willa
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Angie Mc wrote:
In this case, the objective measure is the obligation to attend Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation. We can start there.
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But don't you wish there was a checklist for EVERYTHING in a MOm's life that was so clear?
When things are concrete, as with the Church, I am pretty OK with "the basic requirements plus a little more if I can". But so much of the duties of our state in life aren't like that.
What's more important, a clean house or math today?
What's more important, playing a game with my preschooler or counseling a friend or grown child on the phone?
I know it's not always either/or, but these are the things that puzzle me and often, I think, skew my default reactions.
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Willa
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LisaR
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Angie Mc wrote:
I'm struggling to be clear and brief! Am I close?
ETA - I was cross-posting with Lisa .
Love, |
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ok, I think I was interpreting #7 differently. I totally get what you mean. and I'm glad you have read his book, so you knew what I meant!
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
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Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
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Willa
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JodieLyn wrote:
There's a difference between intuitive reasoning (which it sounds like "Blink" is?) and emotional reasoning.
I can't explain it.. but there's a level of response that is wordless.. often having to do with matters of trust.. that simply is.. and is right a lot of the time. |
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Yes, I think you're totally right. My intuition is almost always right and it's not usually primarily emotional. My emotions are valid but often drag in "the kitchen sink" -- they aren't always in proportion to the real situation.
Intuition sees more than it can always say rationally. It's a matter of global perception, I think. It takes lots of things into account that aren't always easy to explain right away.
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Willa
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: How we think - 3. distortions
