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Cay Gibson
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I don't want to take away from the wonderful thread that is happening here but that is a much broader thread focusing on all the virtues. In that thread, Jennifer specificially and thoughtfully focused on the virtue of gentleness:
Jennifer wrote wrote:
I have been thinking about, praying about and trying to wrap my will around gentleness as a virtue for the last 2 years now. It is a real challenge for me. Ours is a vocation of interruptions...and those interruptions, redirections, requests, needs all challenge me to dig deeper when it comes to gentleness. I do ok...until an interruption. Then, I have to breathe.
I think a great deal of the Blessed Mother, my inspiration in all virtue. In particular, her gentleness is striking. I think there is a temptation to think at times that she had only one child - and He was Divine at that - so where was the challenge? But, that isn't altogether true, is it? She knew from the Annunciation that her Child would be the Son of the Most High, the Messiah. As the Mother of the King of Kings her role would be that of the Queen Mother. At the Crucifixion, Jesus gave her to all of us as a Mother. (Wonder if she'd ever like to put the collective lot of us in the corner?) Her behavior from the Annunciation to the Crucifixion is one of unruffled, humble, gentleness in the face of interruption, sacrifice, work, sadness - through it all.
So, I'm seeking to emulate Her in gentleness. I love to look to others who are on this road and see how they apply this in their daily lives, how to emulate when life is moving so fast and I feel overwhelmed and tempted to either hide or blow my top. Here's what I've observed and what I seek to apply in order to build the virtue of gentleness:
1. Mothers who possess a gentle spirit usually speak in quieter, softer tones - even when they are disciplining.
2. A gentle spirit pauses before a reaction.
3. Gentleness always works with tenderness and tenderness always stops whatever is going on to look and engage a child - whether it is to really listen about the latest lego creation, the small bug friends found in great quantities in your kitchen, the abstract art design on paper, the serious problems masked by humorous chit-chat - gentleness engages.
4. Gentleness always seems to be marked by an ability to be present in and shift her focus to the present moment. An interruption for her is simply God's way of redirecting her where He feels she is more needed.
5. Gentleness makes eye contact.
6. Gentleness is docile to the direction of her husband.
7. Gentleness occupies her mind with thoughts of nurturing, she assumes the best of all, takes what is good, beautiful and noble and dwells on that. Her mind is full of hope and joy.
8. She sees the good in people because Our Lord is with HER - so it is easy to see the Image of Him in those she encounters.
9. There is joy in her countenance.
I know there is soooo much more to gentleness. And, to be clear - these are observations, not a litany of my life. I'm such a work in progress. I have found great peace in dropping my voice to a very soft tone when speaking to my children and husband. Somehow, harshness and softness are incompatible. And, I'm really working on my reaction to interruptions and viewing them as God's way of redirecting me. I am trying to train myself to deep breathe before a reaction of any kind so that I have time to mentally downshift and drop my voice and soften my tone.
It would be of such benefit to me if you would share your observations for cultivating the virtue of gentleness in your spirit. What have you observed? |
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In this thread readers wondered...
Lisbet wrote:
does Michelle share specifically how she cultivated such constant gentleness?
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LLR4 wrote:
Hearing too that Michelle really is so gentle (good word) all of the time, and that she has worked hard at that, is all the more inspiring to me. |
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I think the question we are all wondering about this specific virtue (GENTLENESS), is...
How do WE work hard to be GENTLE all the time.
What are specfic actions we can take to be GENTLE all the time.
How do we cultivate being GENTLE all the time within our homes and our families?
What does being GENTLE all the time look like?
Will people think I'm a fraud?
Is it a superhuman power?
Is it a virtue found only in books (I'm thinking of Marmee in Little Women), television(I'm thinking Olivia Walton)
We really don't see gentleness very often in "real life" so I think it's natural for some of us to wonder if it's an illusion and if we can really work towards that goal with realistic results.
Though my word for 2009 is HOPE, I'm still very interested in focusing on all the virtues and working on the habits because it is my HOPE I can obtain some degree of all of them and become a better person, a better friend, mother, wife in 2009.
I will leave you here with a book recommendation in working towards this virtue of gentleness as a Christian mother:
Mother by Kathleen Norris
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Cay Gibson
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12stars
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Thank you for all those resources I am so looking forward to reading all of it as soon as I get a chance. 
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Claudia in Southern California
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dawn2006
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I have found great peace in dropping my voice to a very soft tone when speaking to my children and husband. Somehow, harshness and softness are incompatible.
This reminded me of
Proverbs 15:1 A mild answer calms wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
I'll be watching this thread and the others that were mentioned.
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Dawn Farias | wife to Ariel | mom to Gabriel 9, Daniel 7, Elizabeth 5, and Michael 3 | blogger at Be Absorbed | native Texan but currently living near Seattle
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SuzanneG
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Transfering a few quotes from the other thread.
Bridget wrote:
Maybe gentleness comes with detachment. Of course we must strive for organization and have a plan, but then we have to let go of perfection. Nothing will go according to plan. Some days A will work out and some days B will work out. All we can do is our best. When we get tense about it all going well, we lose our gentle, kind demeanor.
Since we are in the Duggar thread, my impression is that Michelle has this attitude. 'We'll do our best to follow the plan and it won't be perfect but it will be what God sends.' This fits other gentle women I know as well.
Detachment. Our ego, self confidence, fulfillment... whatever you want to call it, cannot be tied up with success of our plans, the state of our homes, our children's reading level etc.
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Bridget wrote:
Philothea wrote:
| I really feel like I need someone to go step by step and tell me, "Here is where you are making your mistakes. Instead of doing X, you need to do Y." |
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I've been trying to think of the concrete ways that I work on this.
There are many aspects to gentleness, but lets be very basic. No hollering. See how long you can go each day without hollering. Of course you need to be firm in corrections, but no hollering. Make yourself walk into another room to speak to a child rather than hollering through the house for him, just to help cultivate the habit.
Then write down how long you made it each day before you hollered. I bet you begin to see an improvement.
Another technique I try is to smile at each family member each time they walk into a room. Smile as if you haven't seen them for a while. This seems to bolster good feelings. |
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Anne McD wrote:
In answer to your question, I can look at my own failings and see things I need to change in order to be a better mother:
1. not a failing as much as a technicality that leads to failings-- disorganization. If I can't find anything as I'm going out the door, I lose it. I'm also a visual person, so visual clutter makes me go nutty and I get short tempered. However, this leads me into another problem, which is really a precursor:
2. laziness. I just don't want to do the dishes, the picking up, getting up to discipline a child patiently when yelling and scaring them into obedience is the "quicker" route.
3. perfectionism: for me, its an all or nothing thing. If I can't do the job I want to do, I do nothing. See number 2. 
I've thought a lot about when people reminice about important people in thier lives when they were younger, and what they loved about them. So often, this was the one person who took the time to listen to them, without judgement, or who took the time to play with them, who held them accountable for their actions but didn't lower the bar, either. They also say these people treated them with respect that they didn't get from others in their families. How sad is it that so many people have to look for that outside of their parents (but thankfully, they got it!). In the end, I want my children to know that my husband and I will always be there for them. No question is too difficult or embarrasing, no problem is too big. I recognize that I need to cultivate that relationship now, so that it will be there as the kids grow. I also realize that shouting, pointing fingers, expecting too much of the kids and coming down on them when they don't rise to my expectations isn't going to bring that about.
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SuzanneG
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Here are some things I'm working on to cultivate GENTLENESS:
No eye-rolling.
Actually help a child to clean-up, talking to them while we do it, rather than barking orders during clean up.
Smiling....and a NICE LOVING smile....NOT a funny smile. I DO smile and laugh a lot, but it's more of a smile because something is funny or I'm having fun. Which is fine, of course. But, I want to have a loving smile for my children from time to time.
Correcting mistakes with kindness.
Trying to spend a few hugging/holding each child in the morning and just BE with them. Hugging them, touching their face...gently. I am VERY BAD at this in the AM. But, I think it's very important to them. I'm a work-horse, and morning is always when I'm in work-horse/drill-sargeant-mode. I've found that one way to temper this is to RELAX and just hold my children first thing in the morning.
Give my girls more light, frequent, loving touches. Even if it's just standing next to them and touching their hair.
Asking if a child needs help, rather than giving an order. ie: Does anyone need help getting out of the van?" rather than "Get out of the van!"
or.....
"Do you need help putting on your shoes?" rather than "Put on your shoes!"
Some of these things may seem basic, and they ARE! But, for me, with my temperament (strong choleric) and my love for sarcasm, and desire for everything to be funny...combined with the afore-mentioned-workhorse-tendencies, they are very hard.
I will focus on ONE of these things per week. I've been focusing on eye-rolling for about 3 weeks now. I'm not moving on until my girls can go one whole day without telling me I rolled my eyes.  
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Mackfam
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SuzanneG wrote:
No eye-rolling.
I'm not moving on until my girls can go one whole day without telling me I rolled my eyes. |
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Eye rollers anonymous, unite.
I'm working on this too. Sadly, it's become a bad habit I'm trying very hard to break. It's automatic with me, so it is taking some time to just recognize what I'd roll my eyes over. sigh...
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Marie
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Thank you for the thoughts here! I've been thinking of this for awhile. Its such a daily challenge.
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SuzanneG
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Here's one that my neighbor and I worked on a couple years ago that really helped.
Instead of yelling, "NO!"
say
"No, no."
It makes a huge difference and has the same impact. (Unless, of course, a child is running out into the street, then a very loud "NO!" is completely appropriate! But, for everyday things, saying, "No, no" is much more gentle.
The impact is the same, just spread across two words  , so it's gentler. I suppose it's similar to "No, thank you" used for "No" with a toddler.....just another option.
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My thoughts....
Cay Gibson wrote:
How do WE work hard to be GENTLE all the time. |
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It is an act of the will, much like charity. I think it starts in prayer, has its roots in confession, and is nurtured by Grace. Cooperating with God's grace provides opportunity after opportunity to exercise in gentleness. And then...it's back to prayer and confession.
Cay Gibson wrote:
| What are specfic actions we can take to be GENTLE all the time. |
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I listed some of my favorites above, but I really think softening my voice is a big one. A general softening of demeanor seems naturally to follow. This "softening" - not a whisper, more of an interior quiet reflected in my voice - shows itself in a number of other physical attributes of mine...I'm less tense, I move with more fluidity, and most importantly, I engage in my children. I orient my *self* to my vocation, which is opposite of being oriented to the chores, the to-do list, a book or the computer. To get to the soft voice, I had to employ breathing exercises. I would not allow myself to speak for a full 3 seconds after spoken to or after prompted by an incident. 3 seconds doesn't seem long, but it is when your 4 yo is launching wet washcloths over the banister onto the baby below. 3 seconds lets me count myself into a soft tone with one deep exhale - firm, not permissive, but soft. This alone was very helpful for me.
Cay Gibson wrote:
| How do we cultivate being GENTLE all the time within our homes and our families? |
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Again, I think only through prayer, confession and a lot of time on the supernatural treadmill exercising in virtue.
Cay Gibson wrote:
| What does being GENTLE all the time gentle all the time look like? |
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The Holy Family.
Cay Gibson wrote:
| Will people think I'm a fraud? |
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Possibly. And that hurts. I'm so weak, and any positive movement I make in the area of virtue is a result of God's grace. My only claim to any success is that I managed, for once, to cooperate with His grace. The glory all goes to HIM. I think it is so important as women of virtue that we take every opportunity to build each other up - every single opportunity. It all goes back to charity here, I think. I cannot judge another. Period. Their Crosses may be interior and hidden from view. I may not see the immense struggles they face that God knew I would not be able to handle or carry with grace. I cannot know the circumstances of the heart that only God knows. All this to say I am so edified and uplifted and overjoyed when I stumble (and I do so often and in such gigantic ways!) and a friend or even the person I have offended in my clumsiness chooses to think the best of me and assume that I can and will improve myself. I am not limited to or by my mistakes, thanks be to God. So, when I see another woman who embodies virtue, I am drawn like a magnet. I want to see what makes her tick, how she is challenged, how she lives out those challenges - not to find her a fraud (because she, like me, is human and will stumble), but to borrow from her that which may propel me towards holiness.
Cay Gibson wrote:
Is it a superhuman power?
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NO. It is a supernatural fruit of the Holy Spirit. From the Catechism...
ccc #1832 wrote:
| The fruits of the Spirit are perfections that the Holy Spirit forms in us as the first fruits of eternal glory. |
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So, the Holy Spirit will form gentleness in us...back to prayer and confession, formation and cooperation with HIM!
I'm going to hunt a few books down tonight from my shelves that spoke a great deal to me about gentleness...I'll try to come back later tonight and link.
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Jen Mackintosh
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When the thread about skirts came up recently, I thought it sounded odd that some women wear skirts to act more like a lady. I had to try it out. I wore a skirt the next day and you know what, I think I acted better. I felt dressed up and thought I treated everyone nicer.
So for me, this is a way to foster gentleness in myself. I don't wear a skirt everyday but it has becom an outside reminder for me on days that I do.
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MarilynW
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Lovely thread. Lots to say but I need to go lie down and drink some water.
A couple of points - Saint Monica is always such an example to me of gentleness
I have been contemplating gentleness for a few weeks now - and what I have been doing is noting what make me act in a way that is not gently and kind. I have written these down and tried to see how I can stop myself reacting badly eg:
- being late for things and rushing about: try to get the children ready in good time so I do not get irritable
- not praying enough and having enough time meditating - I am setting my alarm a lot earlier and enjoying my peaceful time in the mornings
- untidiness and clutter and falling over things - trying to make sure the children (and myself) have adequate time to clean up after activities
- not feeling well or being in pain: lessening our activities and work so I am not pushing myself too hard
- overscheduling and being tired: creating realistic schedules, not trying to do too many things in one day etc
- chores and schoolwork not done despite adequate instructions: getting on my knees and praying and coming to the realization that even if children have been told a hundred times and done the same chore for years - they still need mum or dad to remind, to check and to be present
I love reading all the posts.
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missionfamily
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I know this will sound funny, but I think my outside appearance has an effect on my gentleness too. I know this is part of the reasoning for some behind wearing skirts. For me, if I am dressed and have put on a bit of powder and lip glos, brushed my hair neatly...I'm a gentler, more lady-like person...I know it sounds funny, but it's true.
It's hard to let a mouth so smooth and nicely dressed talk in a way that is unbecoming. It's hard to stomp and pout when you are dressed nicely. It's much easier to act like a hag when you feel like one (not saying this about anyone else, this is how I feel when I stay in gross jammies all day and don't take care of my appearance).
This is part of my resolution for the new year...to get dressed nicely each day, put a bit of something on my face, and tie my hair back neatly. It reminded me all day today to keep my voice soft and move slowly. And we had the loveliest of days today.
Don't anyone ever tell my mother I've admitted to this...all those years she said in her sweet Southern tone "Why don't you put on a little blush and lipstick, darlin'? You'll feel bettah..." And I rolled my eyes and stomped off .
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SuzanneG
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missionfamily wrote:
Don't anyone ever tell my mother I've admitted to this...all those years she said in her sweet Southern tone "Why don't you put on a little blush and lipstick, darlin'? You'll feel bettah..." And I rolled my eyes and stomped off . |
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It's true for me too. I notice my change in demeaner when I start getting lazy about my morning "toilette." DH always knows when I'm not feeling "post-partum" anymore....I start putting on my make-up again.
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Suzanne in ID
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KC in TX
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Interesting topic, Cay. I'm afraid I don't have much to add but much to learn from you ladies. This is something I KNOW I need to work on. I'm a major drill sergeant and I'm trying not to be.
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Cay Gibson
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SuzanneG wrote:
Instead of yelling, "NO!"
say
"No, no."
It makes a huge difference and has the same impact. |
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Wow! It does! I never thought of that before.
Great suggestion!
Mackfam wrote:
| I'm going to hunt a few books down tonight from my shelves that spoke a great deal to me about gentleness...I'll try to come back later tonight and link. |
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I can't wait to see your list, Jenn. Your whole post is so great.
I have found that all Sally Clarkson's books teach me how to be a gentler/kinder mother. And she's writing more books!  I can't wait!
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Cay Gibson
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I agree, Cay - anything by Sally Clarkson. Her blog - I Take Joy exudes her gentle spirit without saying "how to" in so many words. Every word and every thought is permeated with her gentlility and kindness and you can't help but come away feeling more serene, more committed to gentility.
I have always been so highly influenced by Alice von Hildebrand. I loved The Privilege of Being a Woman and By Love Refined. They both speak to authentic femininity and foster a genuine gentle spirit.
I think Karey Swan fosters that kind of authentic woman with a gentle relationship focused spirit in Hearth and Home.
I find all of Blessed Mother Teresa's writings to be a real boost for me in terms of food for thought and the example of the simplicity of love in action. There are many books out there with her wisdom and thoughts and you wouldn't go wrong with any of them. I have "No Greater Love," "A Simple Path," "In My Own Words." We choose a theme for each school year - something said by a saint that we use to propel each day forward. This year we are inspired each morning with Mother Teresa's words, "Do small things with great love."
I find St. Therese also to be a beacon of gentility. In particular I am so edified when I read how she went out of her way to be kind to a nun that particularly annoyed her. That is a gentle spirit. Story of a Soul
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Jen Mackintosh
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There are others I long to recommend...but they're sitting in my "waiting to be read" basket.  I know some others have some other reading suggestions on cultivating a gentle spirit, and my basket isn't full enough ...so I'd love to hear more reading recommendations!
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Jen Mackintosh
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I forgot one that I love...
The Imitation of Mary by Alexander de Rouville. It is small and it's not a book you would just pick up and read cover to cover. You read one little chapter (1-2 pages)a day. At the end of each chapter is a prayer addressed from you to Our Lady. Very, very helpful in cultivating the virtues of Our Lady!
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Jen Mackintosh
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On the subject - another thing I ponder is cultivating gentleness in my children and especially daughter. I remember visiting what is supposed to be the best private all girl Catholic school in the area a few years ago , when I was trying to decide on homeschooling or not - and being horrified at how "ungentle" and "unladylike" the girls were - girls from the "best" Catholic families in the area.
It is so rare to see a gentle tween/teen girl (or mother for that matter) even in homeschool circles - and it is something I am so praying for - for myself and my dd.
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I love all the book suggestions and have many myself sitting on my nightstand. But to counter that I always think of what my very wise and holy 93 year old grandma once said to me (years ago) - "stop reading and thinking so much - just sit at the feet of Mary and ask for her help. Meditate on her life. Meditate on the gentleness of our Lord. They will guide you."
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Cultivating the Virtue of Gentleness
