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Willa
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In the book The Temperament God Gave You the Bennetts mentioned that introverts often have smaller families than extraverts.
Courtney just mentioned on another thread that her dh was content with 2 children because he is an introvert and gets overwhelmed with noise, chaos etc.
I can understand his point of view, because I am an introvert, from a family of introverts, and on the very rare occasions when I am alone, I'm shocked to realize how much of my energy is drained just by being around kids and people 24/7 with very few chances to be alone to recharge my batteries. Yet I LOVE my kids, love their company. DH is the same, a natural introvert, but the differences are: (1) he can go off in his office for several hours a day and shut us out a bit (2) he comes from a large extravert Irish family, so he's built up his tolerance a bit through the years! He would love more kids and so would I, but sometimes LONG for a bath or a trip to the bathroom solo, just ONCE!
I am not complaining, just sharing something I realized only recently and wondering if there are any other introverts out there raising large families? I am in awe of God's grace that He was able to push me past my comfort zone in all this: many children, attached mothering (babies around ALL the time!) and homeschooling! God is good! But I am just wondering if you all think it's true that most parents of large families are extraverts or if you know of some examples to the contrary?
And how do introvert parents of many cope and is there anything special they ought to do to compensate for their low social energy in these circumstances? especially when they are homeschooling?
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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Willa
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Another thing about being an introvert is not really liking to be "different" -- I'd much rather keep my head down and work into new situations gradually but whenever we go anywhere we are so conspicuous, any behavior issue becomes magnified, I have to focus SO hard to keep things on an even keel not just for myself but for the kids. That's an energy drain too.... and I find it keeps us at home a bit more than we should be if my introvert children are to get used to participating in the bigger community....
Also, now that I think about it I'm not sure if it was the Bennetts' book that mentioned introverts having smaller families, or The Introvert Advantage a very good book that Cindy Kelly recommended.
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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amyable
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Well, I only have four so far (willing to have/adopt more) but I could have written both of your posts! I will be very interested in reading other replies - this area is my biggest downfall. I feel like I need lots and lots of time alone but I get none  which leads me to get snappy, etc. Last time I went to confession the priest mentioned staying away from things that lead you into sin, and I wondered how I can stay away from my kids??  
We keep it up though because we feel it's the right thing to do, even though it is extremely hard for both dh and I tempermentally. I guess I escape into the 'cyberworld' more than I should, and just offer up the rest of the stress! I do hate to stand out, and with four of one gender, one of whom is bald, being out and about when they "should be in school" - um, we tend to stick out in a crowd, lol! Hey, we ARE the crowd.  
I try to remember on a daily basis that God knows better than I do what I need to become a saint.  If breaking myself of my introverted tendencies is what He wants, I need to trust Him. (even when it hurts )
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Martha
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Believe it or not - both of us here are introverts!
We do not like crowds.
We were never even remotely interested in team or group type events back in school.
We hate loud noise. (Well except for dh's big band music - he loves his music!)
I'm a bookaholic.
Having a big family does not mean you have a loud family. (Although individual dc may be loud on occassion.) In our house, people always comment on how quiet it can be even when they add their children in the mix. I don't know if it is as much to do with our personalities as the conditions we live in though? Maybe a combination? Our house is VERY small (1100 sq ft for 9.2 of us!) so little squables have to be dealt with pretty swiftly to avoid escalating into major problems.  Anyone here kwim?
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Courtney
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Willa, I'm so glad you brought this up in another post. As an extrovert, I had a hard time understanding my dh. I know it has frustrated him. Melissa Wiley's dh had a great article on introverts on his blog site. I'll try and find it.
Being that you are an introvert, what is your perspective on someone in my situation? As I said before, I want to show my dh respect by not hounding him or guilting him into more dc. I know prayer is powerful and maybe I'm getting God's answer and just don't want to hear it!
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Courtney in Texas
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Mom to Candace 10/97,Christopher 4/00 and Connor 11/11
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Willa
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amyable wrote:
I do hate to stand out, and with four of one gender, one of whom is bald, being out and about when they "should be in school" - um, we tend to stick out in a crowd, lol! Hey, we ARE the crowd.
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Amy...
same here. Aidan has his hemiplegia (left side doesn't work as well after stroke in infancy) and acts rather different from a typical 6yo. A few weeks ago at my 12yo son's football game, he walked up into the middle of a bunch of cheerleaders and started conversing along the lines of, "Hey, guys, guys, my Mom is going to take me to the bathroom!" UH, so cute but so mortifying, having to go and retrieve him before he went into all the details!
DH and I always laugh at the memory of once when Aidan was in the hospital and all his siblings were there visiting him -- a team of very confident, in-charge transplant doctors came in for their rounds and almost visibly grew smaller and less confident just coming face to face with 7 siblings of all ages in one hospital room -- well behaved and quiet though our kids were. Definitely we WERE the crowd, just by physical presence!
I think you're right and it's purification of our natural tendencies.
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Willa
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Willa
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Courtney, I don't have an answer exactly. When my husband and I married, I was a Protestant who didn't even know the Catholic Church HAD a position on contraception -- and my relatives believed smaller families were more responsible -- I can only think God's grace worked against all that, and is still working.
One thing that converted my heart, besides the graces of the Sacraments after my conversion, was increasing concern for the unborn and about our country's "Culture of Death" which seems to be expressed in so many ways. To me, increasing love for the preciousness of life meant increasing desire for generosity in family size. I think my heart truly turned when my 4th son was born ill on the 20th anniversary of Roe v Wade (his birthday is Jan 22 1993). Clinton signed the fetal experimentation act that same day -- our worry for our little son in the NICU, the wonderful care the perinatalogists were taking with his little life, contrasted so sharply with the callousness of our country's attitude towards our neonate's peer group. I prayed for God to let us work for life, I dedicated my son to God to be a warrior for life, and that opened God's way into my heart and will. Then the next year we started homeschooling <G>
My experience is that being an introvert and growing up in public schools I felt inadequate and also didn't see myself as capable of being "different" and so it wasn't until God so clearly showed me His strength that I was able to step out a bit in faith. Still stretching a bit on that though, it's certainly a lifelong process.
It helped that my dh was quite staunch both in "value of life" issues, and modelling openness to children in the family, and in homeschooling. He converted me on all those things or rather, helped me see how my doubts and fears were getting in the way of my ideals. So I think it's good that you are modelling that and no doubt it is having its influence.
I think Queen Esther is the model for wives petitioning their husbands for something they know is right and worthy (ie not just a frivolous wish). She prayed and fasted and worked on purifying herself. I did this intensively once when trying to persuade my husband about something on a completely different matter (TV watching, which DH saw completely differently than I did). It was not easy, but God did bless and guide us and my prayers were granted. There are other examples too. Wives and husbands are meant to sanctify each other and the Bible says that wives can win husbands over "without a word".
But God never does things QUITE like one would expect Him to -- it's always better and stranger in my experience -- so I guess it's a toss-up what will actually result in your family size. I know He will bless your prayers and longings though. In the Bible, prayers for fertility are always pleasing to God -- look at Hannah, at Abraham and Sarah, at Elizabeth and Zecharias, -- and that gives me hope that whether we are actually blessed with children as a result of those prayers or not, that these prayers of longing for a child are opportunities for Him to flood our lives and marriages with His grace. So, what can we lose
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Willa
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Lissa
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Courtney wrote:
| Willa, I'm so glad you brought this up in another post. As an extrovert, I had a hard time understanding my dh. I know it has frustrated him. Melissa Wiley's dh had a great article on introverts on his blog site. I'll try and find it. |
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Here's the link--The Care and Feeding of Your Introvert
I loved this article because it explains my darling hubby so very, very well. I also found the introvert/extrovert section of RAISING YOUR SPIRITED CHILD to be quite helpful.
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Bridget
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My dad (father of 10) is such an introvert that he had planned on becomming a religious hermit before he fell in love with my mom.
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amyable
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Bridget wrote:
| My dad (father of 10) is such an introvert that he had planned on becomming a religious hermit before he fell in love with my mom. |
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I thought about that before I met my dh in college! Now here I am 15 years later with my constant companions.  I do think I stay home more often with my 4 than I did with just two, and avoid a lot of the worldly hubbub that makes me nuts. Kind of like my own little cloister of nuns. Just call me mother superior! Honestly though, I feel much less need for introversion when I'm home with my family than when I'm out and about.
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Kelly
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My dh is the ultimate introvert-parties are his nemesis, as are large social gatherings. But my, when he decides to "turn it on", he can talk a dog off a meat wagon at a formal presentation! Although I've learned to cope with his introversion over the years, I never had much of a fix on it until I read that article. Maybe I was too busy "barking and yipping"... My own family was always big and loud, guess I always thought that's how families were supposed to be.
As for introverts and large families, all I know is that at my dh's 25th highschool reunion, he got the award for Largest Family. He also got the award for Least Likely To Have The Largest Family!
Kelly in FL
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Cheryl
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I don't think I know any large families with an introvert mom. I never labeled myself as an introvert, but after reading that article I'm pretty sure I am. I'm struggling to get my alone time tonight. I've been doing the nurse dd 3 in her bed and try to quietly sneak out, but she keeps waking up! One time I actually stepped on an Anthony Wiggle doll and he started singing loudly
I really long for my quiet time and once I get it, I forget about how I felt without it. Kind of like labor pain. I think this is what is keeping me open to having more children. My dh and I do wonder how we will be able to talk to each other when the 4th baby comes. The noise level is already very high in our house with 3, and since dh is an huge extrovert, he needs his chance to be heard.
While I was nursing I was thinking that I do have lots of friends, but every one of them is an extrovert! If you put me alone with another introvert, we struggle with the small talk. I've often wondered how homeschoolers (and relatives) can go from one thing to the next with their kids. When do they get their alone time?? I have an hour of quiet time every afternoon except for Tuesdays when we go to a homeschool gym & swim. I think Tuesday is my least favorite day of the week. Now I'm thinking that maybe these other homeschoolers don't need alone time, maybe they need to be with people. My dh is certainly that way. It's amazing how peoples' natures can be so different. I remember being in the Hard Rock Cafe last summer and enjoying the atmosphere at first, but after about an hour I wanted out!!! I noticed that my ds 6 (also an introvert) was holding his head and saying the music was too loud. My dh and two little extroverts were having a grand old time.
Well, I've got to go back to my dd. This attachment parenting really works. She's attached! Willa, I admire you for having such a large family and for homeschooling, given you and your dh's temperments. I hope I will be a good mom with 4 (or more.) I have a question, how do you get your children's attention when everyone's talking at once?
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Courtney
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Thank you, Willa for sharing that. I do think we have a culture of death. Being one of 6, I'm even surprised to hear my own mother say on the one hand she can't imagine not having had every single one of us, but on the other hand says she thinks in today's world it's too difficult to have many dc. I think large families are such a blessing in today's world! There are so many things children learn from having many siblings, not to mention all the love!
My dh was cradle Catholic and I was the convert a year before we married. We heard an NFP lecture at our engagement encounter weekend, and I was hooked! I do have to say we did contracept for the first couple of years of our marriage, though  . Even though dh was raised Catholic, his own mother thinks anyone is crazy to have more than 2 kids!
I really do believe my dh doesn't think he would be a good father to more than two. I've told him I believe God would give him the graces for that. I do believe I can speak more to him on this topic with less words like you mentioned.
I'm truly impressed by all of the wonderful mothers and the wisdom on this forum. thank you!
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Courtney in Texas
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momwise
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Thank you for this article! I love this quote:
People frequently find it hard to believe Top Management when she explains that I’m a hermit. "But he seems so normal and friendly!" they’ll exclaim, or so she reports—not being there, I wouldn’t know; I was almost certainly, sensibly, at home. Of course. That’s why we bought a house. So we’d have somewhere to be. Why intentionally put yourself in debt for the next thirty years and then not even use the thing that’s got you totally screwed financially? And they think *I’m* odd…
My dh could have written that!
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Courtney
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My dh, too! He is in sales, oddly enough and is very outgoing. But, he says any time spent with people requires a lot of alone time. One of his ways of communicating this to me is, "I'm on people-overload."
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Courtney in Texas
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Introverts having many children?
