| Author | |
hmbress
Forum Pro
Joined: April 19 2007
Location: Maryland
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 313
|
| Posted: Feb 16 2008 at 2:32pm | IP Logged
|
 |
|
I know there are a few other moms out there with African American or biracial kids. Or other minority kids for that matter, I would imagine the issues are similar if not the same. I only hope they are on the forums during Lent!
I have two biracial boys. DH and I are both white. My oldest son, almost 5, is 25% African American, 75% Caucasian and 99.9% of people have no idea he's biracial (blond, blue eyes, Ken-doll tanned skin). My younger 2yo son is 50/50 and most people notice that he is biracial. A few were surprised to find out the boys were adopted - they thought the boys just took more after my dark haired, dark (for a Caucasian) complected husband. And a few have thought ds2 was Hispanic. But the vast majority recognize his ethnicity.
I am wondering when, as a parent, you began talking to your kids about their racial heritage and racial issues. I was absolutely shocked the other day, when at the library, another little girl, around 4yo, who had been interacting with the boys in the toy area, asked "Where did that little black boy go?", referring to my ds2 who had wandered off. I was stunned, not because I thought she meant anything bad by what she said, but because I had never before heard anyone refer to my son as "that black boy". I have never myself had anyone refer to me as "that white woman", and it brought me up short. For the first time, I realized that my kids, well, at least my younger son, are going to have to deal with these kinds of identity issues and I am not equipped to help them deal with this.
I read "Sister Anne's Hands" to my 4yo last fall and I found it so upsetting that I vowed never to read him any book ever again without first reading it myself, even if the recommendation comes from Catholic Mosaic, or other trusted sources. I know that this was an extreme reaction, but my point is - if I'M reacting this strongly to these kinds of awarenesses of injustice, what is it going to be like for my kids, and how can I protect/prepare them?
Any suggestions for good reading, websites, support groups, etc.? Do I wait until there are situations/questions to talk about these things, or is it better to be more proactive? What age do kids start to become aware of these things developmentally?
While it makes my stomach churn to think about the pain my kids (and so many others) may go through in the future, I AM glad to be blessed to see this more clearly. I admit  that before I became a parent to biracial children, a person's skin color, along with the stereotypical assumptions I associated with it, were the first thing I "saw" upon seeing or meeting a person. No matter how guilty I felt about that, and how hard I tried to stop assuming, I couldn't stop doing it. But thankfully, I now realize that this doesn't happen anymore - when I look at my kids, I just see my sons. When I look at anyone, I just see a man, woman, or child made in the image and likeness of God. Their race and skin color and such just being one part of the whole, the colors and media, if you will, that the Divine Artist chose to create that particular masterpiece. And I am so glad for that.
__________________
Heather Rose (ds13, ds10)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SusanJ
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 25 2007
Location: New Jersey
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1347
|
| Posted: Feb 16 2008 at 3:07pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Heather,
I am anxiously awaiting replies to you. I don't have the same situation at all as my family is all very white but we live in a "transitional" urban neighborhood. It's been all black, poor, and crime-ridden for decades and is now slowly beginning to gentrify. We're just renting here and I think we're doing okay with our new neighbors. But my 3yo son the other day . . . we were getting out of the car as he was saying (very loudly) "Mommy, what are all those black guys doing? What are those black kids doing? etc." I didn't know that he really knew to identify people by their race and I was sort of horrified. I like to think he didn't learn that from me, but maybe he did? I'd like to teach him better but I don't even know how to be sensitive, appropriate, etc. without making a big deal out of it all and blowing things out of proportion.
Susan
__________________
Mom to Joseph-8, Margaret-6, William-4, Gregory-2, and new little one due 11/1
Life Together
[URL=http://thejohnstonkids.blogspot.com]The Kids' Blog[/UR
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
CrunchyMom
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 03 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 6385
|
| Posted: Feb 16 2008 at 3:08pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I don't have any suggestions, but hugs! I will watch this thread myself as the issue came up recently for my oldest. My children are biological and we're Caucasian, but we live in the city in a racially diverse area. The library we walk to has just as many blacks and hispanics as whites.
And while most of our friends from homeschool group and church are white, two of my sons' weekly playmates are little black boys who were adopted.
My boys play with them and with the children at the library freely. There doesn't seem to be any sort of prejudice (or even curiosity for that matter) over their color.
Yet, the other night, there was some noise outside, and some people had come to visit a black neighbor of ours (who, frankly we used to get along wonderfully with until a man moved in who we suspect of bringing drug and prostitution activity to our block--so maybe my son has picked up on those suspicious vibes from us?).
Anyway, to make a long story longer, lol, when my son went to "investigate" the noise, he came back and said something like "[it was those] black people who always fight." He doesn't speak all that clearly and wasn't able to elaborate.
I was pretty confused because I can't recall ever referring to black people as fighting or anything. I don't even think we refer to black people as "black" or by their race much in general. All I can figure is that, when there are groups of black men walking through (we live near the bus stop as well as just across a bridge from a lot of section 8 housing), they are frequently loud, and even the teenagers outside the library are just plain loud and mean sounding when talking to each other sometimes. I know he's pretty sensitive to yelling and observant. Is it just something he picked up on from that?? We don't have television or watch many contemporary movies.
And maybe he was just referring to *those* black people, as in, the specific black people who fight (it was the house with people up to questionable behavior) and not black people in general?
Honestly, I'm a little afraid to bring it up in that I was kind of glad he was so used to seeing different ethnicities that he didn't seem phased and was naturally unprejudiced (or so I thought). I don't want to make a big deal about *educating* racial differences so that he starts noticing *more* not less, yk? He's only 3 1/2. Just like he points out every dog we see being walked everywhere, I don't want him to start pointing out the race of everyone we see. 
All that to say, too, though, that the 4 year old in your story might have just been observing as if she were asking "where did the little boy with the red hair go?" I wasn't there, and perhaps you could hear the difference, but I know from my own experience, their noticing color doesn't have to be directly associated with discrimination or a judgment of some sort (I hope).
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
CrunchyMom
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 03 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 6385
|
| Posted: Feb 16 2008 at 3:09pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Too strange, Susan, that I was cross-posting with you with our similar situations. I guess we can await suggestions together.
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
CatholicMommy
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2007
Location: Indiana
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1254
|
| Posted: Feb 16 2008 at 3:47pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
No direct suggestions right now, but one thing I have noticed with young children: I had a family day care for a few years until this past August and cared for children of several races and ethnicities, so I thought race wouldn't be a issue for my son. BUT I too would hear him referring to particular children or groups of our daycare children as black or brown or white - it didn't strike me until one day he referred to two of the "white" children as "pink" that he was really only referring to their COLOR - not to their race or ethnicity or any other classification (these two girls really were pink that week - they'd had too much sun at the beach the weekend before!).
Children just love color and they are in the sensitive period for order - they want to classify and categorize their (rather confusing) world - and one of the most obvious ways to do that is by color. We hear "black" or "white" and we think racial differences, but children are just sorting out the people around them, much as they sometimes sort people by the color of their hair, or their height or some other physical characateristic.
So the words themselves from young children, I would not put too much weight on. BUT I do think that we all need to be prepared to handle the issue of racial prejudice, because it still exists and (I think - and am jumping to conclusions) that most if not all of us on this board want our children to grow up knowing that there can be different races, but we can all still work together and cherish our differences while still loving and serving the same God.
Interesting side note - now that we're in Minnesota and my son is at a Montessori school most of the day while I'm in the Montessori training, I noticed that his first friends at school had the darker skin - perhaps because of familiarity. He has since expanded and is friends with everyone in his class, but it was an interesting experience to see.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Michaela
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 25 2005
Location: Washington
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2052
|
| Posted: Feb 16 2008 at 4:06pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
 Heather,
As an adopted, biracial adult (German & Black) and the mother of "mixed" children, I understand your concerns.
I have tried for an hour to respond, but there is soooo much going on here I can't seem to sit long enough to share how we are dealing with it. Hopefully, I can get back here before the board closes or I'll PM you.
__________________
Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Bridget
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2198
|
| Posted: Feb 16 2008 at 4:30pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Most of my children's cousins are different ethnicities. When my oldest was little he referred to my sister's family as his brown cousins. He just couldn't remember their names. It wasn't a slur in any way.
However, my perfectly respectable black BIL says when he pumps gas in a white area, people lock their doors and watch him.
Your kids probably will face some discrimination.
But all our kids are going to face adversity one way or another. We need to help them grow in self respect based on who God made them to be (as opposed to silly self esteem programs) and where they fit into God's plan.
I have a friend who married a black man and they have 8 almost all grown children. She always focused on how to be holy and heroic. She taught them what is good, true and beautiful. They dealt with racial problems as they came up, and there were racial problems from outside the family. But it wasn't the most important part of who they are. It doesn't define them. What defines them is their Catholic faith, their love of music and literature.
When she found good literature featuring black people, or beautiful black dolls for the girls, she was happy to add them to their home. But it wasn't her main criteria.
I'm just sharing what my friend did because her adult children have turned out to be devout, bright, happy adults in spite of hard circumstances partly due to their mixed race.
__________________
God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
hmbress
Forum Pro
Joined: April 19 2007
Location: Maryland
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 313
|
| Posted: Feb 16 2008 at 6:16pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I hope I didn't give the impression that the little girl in the library was anything but innocent in her question. CatholicMommy - I think you are right on in your assessment of the situation.
CrunchyMom wrote:
I don't want to make a big deal about *educating* racial differences so that he starts noticing *more* not less, yk? He's only 3 1/2. Just like he points out every dog we see being walked everywhere, I don't want him to start pointing out the race of everyone we see.
|
|
|
Yes, I agree completely! And yet, in our situation, we have a duty to help our children come to appreciate their racial heritage, which (at least in part) differs from mine and DH's. All without having the race aspect dominate their self-identity. As Bridget so beautifully put it:
Quote:
| it wasn't the most important part of who they are. It doesn't define them. What defines them is their Catholic faith, their love of music and literature. |
|
|
Michaela - I can't wait to hear your thoughts. Er, I mean, I look forward to hearing your thoughts! I CAN wait until Monday if you don't get a chance to post tonight. It looks like many others are wanting suggestions as well.
Thanks to all,
__________________
Heather Rose (ds13, ds10)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: Feb 16 2008 at 7:22pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
My dh and kids don't stand out.. my dh is half-mexican so my kids are 1/4. (I'm blonde hair blue eyed and fair skinned)
We live in a racially not diverse area.. not that I've ever seen or heard the few obviously different people that are here having any problems in general (there's always individuals you know).
That said, our two priests are from Nigeria.. and have that very very dark almost truly black skin. And we did talk about it when they first came.. but I think it's only natural to need to talk about anyone who's quite a bit different.
But just like we talk about the woman at the library or store who's fat (preschoolers and honesty huh? ). We talk about it honestly including how it might hurt feelings to use that word to describe the person.
As far as talking about their own heritage with the children. We let it come up naturally. We talk about how Grammita (my dh's grandmother) speaks spanish as well as English and how the area she lives in is the area of Josephina (American Girls).. and how Grammy (my grandmother) was very close to Kit's age in the setting of that book. And we talk about how my father-in-law's parents came from Europe, Bohemia and Lichtenstein, we've even found those on the map and read a bit about them.
But we just naturally include talk about our families and things.. using them in connection with anything we use.. "wow that was interesting did you know your grandpa/uncle/second-cousin-once-removed used to __________ as well".. and as we do.. the kids get a picture of how we're like and unlike our families. And we come back to it often and so expand on that information as the kids get bigger.
I think the more you talk about how you (as a family and as individuals) relate to things around you.. you'll naturally communicate to your kids things about their background.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
lapazfarm
Forum All-Star
Joined: July 21 2005
Location: Alaska
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 6082
|
| Posted: Feb 16 2008 at 7:25pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
This is one of the reasons we are moving to Alaska (though certainly not the only one). We want to move from a very racially prejudiced area to one where the population is more diverse, for our daughter's sake (she is Hispanic).
Though my dd has yet to face any overt criticism due to her skin color, it is only a matter of time in this area, where the "N word" is still considered acceptable, and Hispanics are called "Beaners".
So far, she has gotten lots and lots of positive attention because of her looks, which I think is also harmful. Everywhere we go we get "Oh, isn't she gorgeous," "look at that beautiful black hair," and "where is she from?" Constant attention. I don't think it is healthy for her to be singled out all of the time, even with good intentions. When we visit dh's Cuban relatives in FL she blends right in, and the same in Alaska, where she blends in with the native population fairly well, and there is just more racial/ethnic diversity overall there. Hopefully there she will be accepted for who she is, not how she looks.
But, like Bridget pointed out, there will be some prejudice no matter where we go. So our plan is like hers, teaching strength in adversity, positive self image, and to take refuge in our faith.
__________________
Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
hmbress
Forum Pro
Joined: April 19 2007
Location: Maryland
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 313
|
| Posted: Feb 16 2008 at 9:25pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
lapazfarm wrote:
in this area, where the "N word" is still considered acceptable, and Hispanics are called "Beaners".
|
|
|
 Unbelievable!
__________________
Heather Rose (ds13, ds10)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Anneof 5
Forum Pro
Joined: June 10 2006
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 217
|
| Posted: Feb 16 2008 at 9:53pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I am an adoptive caucasian mother of two African-American children who are still pretty young. We live just outside a large metropolitan area that is somewhat racially diverse but our immediate area is pretty white. However we have several families at our church who look like our's so that has been a huge blessing. So far our kids have not been very affected by racial comments, etc., and think everyone loves them, but I am fearful of what their lives will be like in the future. I have spoken to my son regarding some racial issues which he cannot fully comprehend yet at age 9, but he was pretty shocked to hear that not everyone will love him and some will not just because of the color of his skin. I think I have to be honest with him in order to prepare him as he is really very social and has little fear of talking to anyone he meets. We still have a lot to figure out about how all of these concerns will play out in their lives and I would love to hear what others have done. I may have more thoughts on this as I take some time to think about it. I am writing this in a bit of a hurry with not much time to really reflect. Anne
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Barbara C.
Forum All-Star
Joined: July 11 2007
Location: Illinois
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 882
|
| Posted: Feb 18 2008 at 1:19pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Let me start by saying that we are pretty much non-descript white people; we don't have any strong ethnic heritage. This was pretty typical of where my husband I both grew up in Kentucky. He actually lived in a slightly more racially diverse area out in the country than I did living in the "big city". Since we moved just outside Chicago, we love that our children grow meeting people from a wider variety of racial, ethnic, and religious backgrounds.
When our oldest daughter was about three, she developed an imaginary friend named Katie Gordon who had "pink hair and pink skin". It wasn't until about a year later that we realized that she thought of "white" people as having "pink" skin.
My husband teaches sociology, and as an ice breaker he often asks his students if they have met anyone famous. One student had met Will Smith, and Mr. Smith had made some funny comment to the student that used the term "black". Our daughter than asked what a black person was. So we explained that it is a term used to describe people with brown skin, but that the proper term is African-Americans.
Then of course we went on to explain that it doesn't really matter what color a person's skin is and that we're all different. Some people have brown hair and some have yellow or red; some people have blue eyes or brown. Then she says, "Or how some people have yellow ear wax and some people have orangey-brown ear wax." After we could speak with out laughing, we agreed that it was just the same.
We try to be honest with her about differences and like someone else wrote about using words that might hurt someone else's feelings. And if we're watching a show and trying to distinguish someone who has a different skin color we try to use a description other than skin color. I've also made an effort to get her dolls that are ethnically diverse (this could be just a reaction because I had racist relatives who would buy me every doll in a Barbie set except for the African-American one).
We've also had talks about some of the prejudice that African-Americans have faced and still do (thanks to an in-depth discussion of "Blackbird" by the Beatles), and I always don't know exactly to say when she comments occasionally that she feels like an African-American when ever she feels she has been treated unfairly. It will probably be many years before she realizes how easy she has it just because of the color of skin she happened to be born with.
Heather, this is something that I will probably never have to deal with my kids, but all of us mommies have a "momma bear" in there somewhere. I do have a book to recommend called "Morning by Morning" by Paula Penn-Nabrit. It is about an African-American family started homeschooling their family with the goal of getting each of their children accepted to an Ivy League college. It discusses how race played a part in their boys' education from the extended families view of homeschooling (as being "awfully white"), to incidents with teachers at a variety of public and private schools, and unwelcome glares at museums and the theatre. She also discusses positive strategies she used to empower her boys. Even though, their life was completely different from me, I feel that I learned a lot.
I wish I could write more, but I have to go to an appointment.
__________________
Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
Box of Chocolates
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
hopalenik
Forum Pro
Joined: Nov 17 2006
Location: Connecticut
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 230
|
| Posted: Feb 18 2008 at 1:56pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I thought I would add on to the comment about children thinking in terms of color. I am a fair skinned, blue eyed Irish descendant, and my husband is more olive skinned, darker green eyed Slavic descendent. Our oldest takes after dad, while I and the next three are very fair. So therefore, Tara decided that she was dark and Dad was dark. To her, dark skinned people were black and therefore she was black. Now we live in the whitest part of the country-southeastern CT. There is no racial diversity here. So I had a very old friend come to visit, Mary, who was my first ballet teacher. She and I danced together for over a decade and have always remained close. She is African American and very dark skinned. So my four year old daughter, at the time, when meeting Mary, said that it was nice to meet another black person. I could have died and Mary thought it was hysterical. So it definitely, must be something about the thinking processes of the 3-6 year old range that they talk in terms of color. Tara had also made some comment about being darker when she met some Jamaicans at the doctors' office. At 8, she doesn't make those kind of commments anymore because she seems to have figured out the difference.
__________________
Holly
Mom to dd 10, twins dd and ds (transplant as baby that failed 05/09, permanent dialysis patient) 8 , dd 5 and dd 3 1/2 and dd in Feb 2009. 2 I hope to meet in heaven.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
hmbress
Forum Pro
Joined: April 19 2007
Location: Maryland
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 313
|
| Posted: Feb 18 2008 at 2:13pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Barbara C. wrote:
| Then of course we went on to explain that it doesn't really matter what color a person's skin is and that we're all different. Some people have brown hair and some have yellow or red; some people have blue eyes or brown. Then she says, "Or how some people have yellow ear wax and some people have orangey-brown ear wax." After we could speak with out laughing, we agreed that it was just the same. |
|
|
OH MY!!!! That is hilarious! Do write more Barbara, when you get a chance, this is extremely helpful! I will check into that book, it sounds right up my alley.
Barbara C. wrote:
| And if we're watching a show and trying to distinguish someone who has a different skin color we try to use a description other than skin color. |
|
|
Hmmm, this makes me wonder - what if it were a show of almost all African-American people, and you were trying to distinguish the only white person - what would you call them? You don't really know what their ethnic heritage is. And if it's ok to say "the one with the red hair", "the one with the pink sweater", or "the one with the green pants", why not "the one with the dark/black/brown skin"? I already know the answer - because of the reaction I had when someone said that about my own son! It's just sad that it has to be this way ...
__________________
Heather Rose (ds13, ds10)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Rachel May
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 24 2005
Location: Kansas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2057
|
| Posted: Feb 18 2008 at 4:07pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
This has been an interesting topic starter at our house. For what it's worth, here are the stages we've been through ourselves and with our children:
conversational language
Before we had kids, we ourselves decided which words we would use to describe different races and ethnicities. These are how we refer to people in our own conversations with each other or others. Some words were deliberately chosen, others were words we already used.
descriptive language
When our kids were a few years old, they started coming up with words to describe the people they saw. These were different than the words Bill and I use, and underlined the fact that the kids were describing what they were seeing not a concept like race. At that time, the kids referred to us as being "brown" and "gold".
We have not worried too much about the kids identifying characteristics that make someone most easily identifyable and are true. For example, when the kids first met our neighbor, they could have referred to him as black or brown, but instead they said "the man with no legs". Had he heard them, he would not have been offended. He tells you how he lost them almost in the same breath as his name. He KNOWS that that makes him different.
That said, when we are in public and I can also see who they are referring to, I will redirect their description. To "Do you see the black lady over there?", I will respond, "The nice lady with the blue shirt?" At home, I NEED them to refer by race because I won't remember the color of her top. There have been conversations about which language is more appropriate when, and also how loudly we should speak when we are calling attention to people.
Another thought on descriptive language: Imagine for a moment the difference between "tall with brown hair and brown eyes" and "a 6 ft black man". Both describe my husband, but one obviously gives a superior mental image. Both are true and neither is offensive. Why not just say it?
historical language
For several years now, we have read picture books for Black History Month so the kids have learned the word "negro". We quickly realized that we needed to explain that words can become outdated and offensive because to them "negro" and "black" were equal terms without a historical perspective.
This has also led to discussions of integration, the history of blacks in America, etc.
generalizations/stereotyping
We are currently seeing that the kids are trying to create some sort of mental categories by saying things like, "Black people do xyz thing." These aren't stereotypes, but instead are things that they are observing and are trying to generalize about. To this my husband will respond (these comments seem to be only shared with him)," You are black. Do you do that? Then not everybody who is black does it either."
self describing
Currently we also are seeing the kids trying to self describe and can tell that the description is completely physically connected instead of culturally so. Today in the car we heard, "Charles is white, Maria is black, and I'm kind of brown, but if I turn my hand over it's pink." (Palm color came up after seeing a picture in a book about Peter Claver). We reminded them that they are all black and white and hispanic even though we all look different.
I'm sorry this is so long, but there are a few other situations we've had to think about, that I'll throw out for you to consider.
adult to other child interactions
I've learned to be patient and gently correct other children when they address comments to me. For example, the same "this kid is black, that one is white, I wonde what will the next one be?" has also come up with neighbor kids. I always just point out the truth of the situation, but I do it clearly and try to discourage anything that would divide the siblings into different groups.
adult to other adult interactions
Most commonly this comes in the form of "what are they?" Again, I just state the different ethnicities and races equally (we don't divide them into percentages) without offense or shame or any emotion other than happiness and contentmnt in my voice. Most people are just being curious, they don't see it as being nosey, and if they are particularly exasperating (I've been told,"I think it's GREAT what you're doing!" as if our family was designed as a political statement instead out of love), I'll vent to my husband later. 
I hope thre is something there that's helpful. For what it's worth, I think it's more confusing being hispanic. 
__________________
Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Michaela
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 25 2005
Location: Washington
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2052
|
| Posted: Feb 18 2008 at 4:25pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Please forgive me for jumping around in my response. I wrote a little bit each time I had a break. I don't have time to edit or I'll never post my rambling thoughts. 
hmbress wrote:
I am wondering when, as a parent, you began talking to your kids about their racial heritage and racial issues. |
|
|
Through natural conversation that takes places within any family. Of course, my one year old doesn't care that grandma is from Mexico or Oma is from Germany. However, when they are old enough the conversations of where they were born naturally come up. Since each of my children were born in a different place (Italy, Alabama, & Washington) the conversation has turned to where dad was born. Where was Grandma born? Where was so & so born? Connections are made and subsequent conversations build from there. (something like that any way)
hmbress wrote:
| I vowed never to read him any book ever again without first reading it myself, even if the recommendation comes from Catholic Mosaic, or other trusted sources. I know that this was an extreme reaction, but my point is - if I'M reacting this strongly to these kinds of awarenesses of injustice, what is it going to be like for my kids, and how can I protect/prepare them? |
|
|
When my oldest was still very young, I made a conscious decision to shield him from this ugly truth as long as possible. There was no way I would have my 3, 4, 5, _ _ year old think that their skin color was somehow bad. All the books that included this subject matter were delayed until I believed my child to be ready. For example, Martin Luther King was discussed when I felt ready, but the information I shared at a young age was (basically) that he was a great man who wanted all people to be treated fairly. Focusing discussions on the peace, nonviolence, and fair treatment that can easily be discussed without going into skin color. Books and conversations about Rosa Parks, blacks in the back of the bus...segregated schools, drinking fountains, "Whites Only" "Colored Only" .....negativity and mean because of skin color had to wait. That probably sounds odd, and while avoiding it I would if I should...how long should I....
Conversations should happen naturally not based on when a school curriculum decides it's time. Children learn how to deal with this from their parents.
After trying to post Saturday, a family member asked me if I remember the black family that lived in a certain house. Nicholas spoke up in unbelief that the family was identified by skin color rather than name or another way.
One important thing is not to be dismissive when your child comes to you. I remember my (German) mother and I would visit a German cafe almost every weekend together. After returning home from one visit, I somehow shared with my mom that I felt like I stood out because every time we went, I was the only person with brown skin. She basically blew me off as being ridiculous for even mentioning it....I decided to never share that part of me with her ever again. A missed opportunity to have a conversation. When I got older I shared one more time with her something I noticed, and she again blew those feelings of as ridiculous.
I've noticed that it's the adults who are hung up on skin color. Children obviously see it, but get on with playing and making friends. If there are questions, your answers form your child's response to a person's differences. Whether that be race, physical or mental handicap.....however someone is different
When we meet someone new, and I introduce my twins, I have often received strange reactions. The moms tell me that Nathan & Olivia don't look like twins. ... I've heard the comment that follows often enough to know what's coming & try to give them an out. I'll say something like, "No they don't. One is a boy and one is a girl." THEN in a whisper, they let me know that what they were specifically referring to is that Nathan is darker skinned than Olivia.  This is coming from adults! He is just a few shades darker and he is always singled out. My Nathan is aware his skin is darker than the rest of us. I try very hard to make him understand that's not a bad thing. That's how God made our family. The reason I share that is because if one of your boys is noticeably darker skinned you may have experience with comments.
We have always made a point to refer to people any way other than skin color, ethnic group, or physically disability.
Describing a person on a show would never be "the black guy" or "the white guy"...it would be something they did that stood out.
Other issues to deal with is racial issues your children will have to deal with if they aren't considered black enough or are too white to other African Americans.
Later explaining why someone will hold their purse closer or lock their car door when our boys are older.
So many issues to deal with....
I've rambled forever. So much has been on my mind that it's a very disjointed response. I've been trying to write between painting our house & cleaning out the storage unit.
Looks like Rachel broke it down nicely. I'll have to come back to read her experiences.
__________________
Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Barbara C.
Forum All-Star
Joined: July 11 2007
Location: Illinois
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 882
|
| Posted: Feb 18 2008 at 4:54pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Sorry, I had to disappear, especially without proofreading my previous post.
We don't go out of our way to address race issues, but they do seem to come up naturally since we live in such a diverse area. In our homeschooling group, we have a few African-American families (one actually just African) as well as some dark skinned Hispanics and Asians. And since my husband is really into sports, my daughter has also noticed the high number of African-Americans involved in professional basketball and football. Like I said, we just try not to make it anything extraordinary by trying to buy ethnically diverse toys and books and such.
It seems that race will come up just in the course of discussions about your sons being adopted. And sadly it probably will come up in the form of small incidents incited by ignorant or misguided people. The fact is that your younger son will probably have some of these experiences from time to time, with police, shopkeepers, and other anonymous people.
My biggest suggestion would be trying to read books by a variety of people, particularly those of mixed heritage. From what I've read, they tend to have a harder time because they get criticism from both sides (some whites for having any African-American blood and some African-Americans for not being "black enough"). Barack Obama's first book "Dreams from My Father" is basically about his struggles as a bi-racial and bi-ethnic child. There was also a really good book called "Life on the Color Line: The True Story of a White Boy Who Discovered He Was Black" by Gregory Howard Williams, although it's set during the more overt racism of segregation.
I don't want to seem like an expert by any means. These have just been our experiences. Sometimes I still have my uneasiness around people of color, just because I have not known many African-American people in my life. My biggest worry is that I will say something stupid that comes out all wrong. (It's the same reason I wouldn't speak Spanish, despite planning to major in it, when I met my first person from a Hispanic country.) I have dealt with relatives who were overtly racist as well as those who while they didn't wish any harm to anyone of color they never had any sympathy for the institutional racism that has kept African-Americans from having the same opportunities as white people.
And like Theresa mentioned, I had a teacher in high school who had a favorite joke that was derogatory to Hispanics. It took me a few years to realize just how unnecessary that was despite the fact that one of my friends in high school was Hispanic, but apparently she didn't find it offensive. And being in the South I saw a lot of Confederate flags and those stupid "You wear your X and I'll wear mine" shirts with the X representative of Malcolm X and the Confederate flag. Of course, I loved all of the guys who went around with the Confederate flag and the gun rack on their truck, wearing baggy pants and blaring rap music, hollering "Word up, y'all". (I am not even kidding.)
And sadly racism isn't just limited to the South. Even here, outside Chicago, we've been surprised by remarks that we have encountered. My husband gets a lot of mass chain e-mails with racist messages, even from well-respected colleagues at his college.
Heather, I wish you and your sons well. These are not issues that my kids will have to deal with. Instead, we get to talk about the special worries and prejudices that women have to be prepared for (walking after dark alone, checking your back seat before getting in the car, etc).
__________________
Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
Box of Chocolates
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
insegnante
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 07 2006
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1143
|
| Posted: Feb 18 2008 at 4:56pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Michaela wrote:
When my oldest was still very young, I made a conscious decision to shield him from this ugly truth as long as possible. There was no way I would have my 3, 4, 5, _ _ year old think that their skin color was somehow bad. All the books that included this subject matter were delayed until I believed my child to be ready. For example, Martin Luther King was discussed when I felt ready, but the information I shared at a young age was (basically) that he was a great man who wanted all people to be treated fairly. Focusing discussions on the peace, nonviolence, and fair treatment that can easily be discussed without going into skin color.
|
|
|
We're white and only have biological children but I have also wanted to delay introducing this subject. I remember the ways I thought as a kid that were not always completely logical (including when I was 6 and a person who did something bad was described as black *solely* for the purposes of reporting him to the police, and the next day I was briefly "afraid of black people" to the point of refusing to watch my Fat Albert rerun before school. There were several black kids in my large first-grade class, but mostly boys and none friends of mine. Fortunately my family knew the fear had to be addressed and it probably didn't last a whole day.) I don't want my son to get the idea that there is some reason that black people or other groups of people in particular would be difficult for white people to accept having around and treating equally so they had to be convinced or ordered to do so (as if similar to a parent telling a kid to be nice to another kid who really does act annoyingly, etc.) I also don't want him to get some 5-year-old version of "white guilt" because of the bad things people closer to our skin color did! Similar to what Michaela said, I'd rather frame the discussions as yet another example of fallenness rather than get into the whole history of people seeing things as "black v. white" in the U.S., or talk about when Chinese immigrants were unwanted, Japanese-Americans were feared, etc., in particular, at this age.
That said, once when he was still 4 we were flipping through one of those Bill Bennett books and the Jackie Robinson story caught his eye. So I did read it to him, hesitantly. He didn't get the point at all. I don't remember whether black/white terminology was used or just actual skin color descriptions, but he started talking about how his playmate across the street would be on the black team or the team for people with brown skin and he would be on the white/light-skinned team. Ugh! I'm not sure if I was even able to correct his understanding or did he just forget about the idea. He still doesn't call people "black" or "white" -- he's also self-identified as pink in the past, and has noted when he has lighter skin and someone else has darker skin, as all of his mostly Hispanic playmates on our street have had, but it just seems to be another visual description that doesn't categorize people more than their other traits do.
__________________
Theresa
mommy to three boys, 3/02, 8/04, and 9/10, and a girl, 8/08
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Rachel May
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 24 2005
Location: Kansas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2057
|
| Posted: Feb 18 2008 at 7:55pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Bridget wrote:
| But it wasn't the most important part of who they are. It doesn't define them. What defines them is their Catholic faith.... |
|
|
When I mentioned this to Bill, he said this is what he would like to see for our children too.
__________________
Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Racial Awareness, Racial Issues
