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Becky J
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| Posted: Feb 15 2008 at 3:42pm | IP Logged
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My 3 1/2 year-old daughter is a real free spirit. She enjoys playing with other kids but is also happy doing her own thing. I love that her personality is versatile in that way. However, the one drawback to her free spiritedness is that she is unhappy in a group or class setting where she is supposed to sit still with other kids, follow a teacher's direction, and do what everyone else is doing.
She does not go to preschool right now, so she does not get any training in class settings that way. I have her enrolled in a class at our local Little Gym. On several occasions, she has had a meltdown when the teacher wants her to join in the group and learn what they're learning, and she wants to be off doing her own thing.
My question for more experienced moms is: should I keep trying to get my daughter used to group settings because that is a skill she will need someday? Or should I accept her free spiritedness and realize it might be all the more reason to homeschool her (i.e., so that she need not learn in a class setting).
I realize that some day, she will have to get used to setting quietly in a group and going along with what the group is doing because she will have to attend Mass. Needless to say, given her free spiritedness, taking her to Mass is extremely difficult, even in a cry room. We have not been taking her on a regular basis.
In any case, I will appreciate any thoughts anyone can share!
Thanks much!
Becky J
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wwandsprmn
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| Posted: Feb 15 2008 at 4:41pm | IP Logged
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Hello!
Mommy to three very free spirited children myself! My input may seem radical so feel free to reject, it won't hurt my feelings :)
Buckle up, here goes...
I think learning to sit still is highly overrated especially at 3 (she says ducking). Your child is normal, don't worry. When my oldest child was in Kindergarten I was called in because he was completely uncooperative. He was on the table, under the table, didn't transition from activities, etc. They said ADD/ADHD, of course. We tested thoroughly, and the answer was no, he's not.
He is VERY active still but of course he knows how to sit still. He can't concentrate as well when it's too quiet. He likes to have something in his hands when he is thinking, usually his drumsticks. He is successful, responsible, and greatly respected in all he does. He is 17.
Yes, they will learn to sit still eventually. But that can be years from now. It is not a skill that requires a great deal of practice in group settings, it's better to gentle develop at home IMO. It is after all only...sitting.
We don't do CCD classes, I think sitting neatly in rows is also highly overrated. We do faith formation at home. At co-op and many other things they do just fine though.
My 7 yr old is also very wiggly. He sits at his school table and when he is too wiggly to work we grab a snack, burn off some energy and get back to work. He can sit still, perhaps not ALL day as he would need to in school. He often prefers to stand at his table, instead of sitting.
As for Mass. I strongly prefer daily Mass with young ones. For one it is much shorter. Two, it is smaller and more intimate and you have a chance to get to know the other regulars and explain you are trying to help your child learn to be patient in Mass. Third, if you go everyday, and prep her, and then do something nice everyday afterward she will find the ability to keep it together and it becomes routine.
You can work toward helping her learn some self discipline at the supper table, during family prayers, and other quiet times at home. I think often times places like preschool, kindergarten or gymboree, etc are so visually hyper-stimulating it's next to impossible for a visual child to hold it together.
One other suggestion, I took the kids to the church during the day when the building was empty. We might go there and read quiet bible stories, or I would let them play quietly in the pew while I knelt in prayer. It's just to become comfortable in the space, and seats, so it isn't foreign.
I would use the phrase I used for many other things like potty training, breastfeeding, reading, etc
If they go to college not being able to _(sit)_, then call me a bad mother :)
Blessings,
Robin
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SallyT
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| Posted: Feb 15 2008 at 11:46pm | IP Logged
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Give it time. My oldest -- also a free spirit -- was miserable doing any kind of class-type thing at that age. Of course, stupidly, I was sending her to preschool, signing her up for ballet and swimming lessons, and all kinds of other stuff I thought I had to do to be a good mother way back when. I can't describe to you how awful some of these experiences were, especially when she'd asked to do something (like ballet), I'd paid for it -- and then she would cling to me and cry and refuse to have anything to do with it once we were there, and I'd be angry, because I had paid for this experience. *sigh* I am a very slow learner.
The only thing that really helps, I think, is maturity. I will agree, from my experiences with 3 of my 4 kids, that some children just are not ready for sitting still or a structured class experience at 3, or 4, or 5 . . . my current 5yo had to lie on the floor outside the story-time room at the library last week (our first story-time visit) for about 15 minutes before he would consent to go in, and "still" would not be the word I would choose to describe his demeanor once there. Mass with my 4 and 5yos has been a trial, though it's getting better. At home we work gently on sitting still and listening to read-alouds, and sitting still for prayers. But I seem to have a house full of really, really strong-minded, loud and kinetic kids, and it just seems the better part of reason to me to try to work with them as they are, rather than trying to arrange some kind of personality transplant.
I will say that my oldest, now 14, has for many years now sat happily through a variety of class-type situations. Currently she attends a co-op once a week and sits through three 90-minute classes, one of which is Latin (which she actually loves -- it's my thrill-a-minute English class which bores her). Though she's still very much an arty free-spirit type, that's tempered with maturity, so that she has no trouble doing whatever it is she needs to do, and nobody believes me that she was ever a difficult child at all (except my husband, who was there for the scenes ten+ years ago).
So if it's not working right now, it's not working right now. That doesn't mean it won't work forever. I think that Robin's suggestions for working on self-discipline gently at home are great ones, and I would also add that you might try out -- however counterintuitive this might sound -- a quiet daily Mass with her. I find that my wigglers are much quieter and more attentive at the tiny little daily Mass we go to on Wednesdays, in a side chapel, where there aren't many people and they can see what Father is doing, than they are at our big parish Sunday Masses. They were much, much, MUCH worse in the cry room than in the actual church, as we quickly learned. I dedicated a summer -- two years ago? -- to "Mass practice," where we started out in the cry room every Sunday, just working on being quiet, and then progressed to sitting in church. I think they were 2 and 3 at the time; at 4 and 5 things are markedly better.
Anyway, I'd say don't force it. I learned the hard way with my oldest that that really just doesn't work and creates -- at least it did in our case -- miserable situations where such situations need not exist. Some fights are worth having, but fights with a child's essential nature generally aren't.
Hang in there -- though it can be hard to remember sometimes when they're driving you crazy, those free-spirited kids are so wonderful to have in your life.
Sally
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wwandsprmn
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| Posted: Feb 16 2008 at 11:11am | IP Logged
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Sally, that was beautifully said!!! I love what you said about fight's with a child's nature! You are very insightful. God created them the way they are, while they have to grow and mature our challenge really is meeting them where they are and gently bringing them along.
Love your post! Robin
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: What to do about my "free spirit"?
