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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Jan 14 2010 at 11:12am | IP Logged
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I have wanted to start this topic for months! I hope to start a discussion of "why" to develop the habit of discussion with teens over at Philosophy of Education. For now, I will start here with the "how to" of developing the habit of discussion.
How do you encourage your teens to talk with you? How do you talk with your teens? How do you listen? How do you help them to listen? What topics do you discuss? Who chooses the topics? What conditions foster discussion? How do you handle disagreement? What expectations of courtesy do you expect during discussions? Other thoughts?
ETA: Teen Discussion Starter *Links* & Why? Habit of Discussion with Teens
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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MaryM
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This is a great question, Angie. Very thought-prokoving and one worth "discussing"  
I need to think on it and get back...
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Mary M. in Denver
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Jan 14 2010 at 10:12pm | IP Logged
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Paying attention to when my teens are most likely to talk...
while we're driving
after watching a movie
after going to an event
after reading something that ignites their fire (politics, sports mostly, current events, etc. )
while watching sports and sports talk shows
...is when I mostly listen.
I really try to ask a lot of questions. Not accusing type questions but more probing questions like, "What do you think about...Why do you think others would...Do you agree with...? This helps me to listen better and to not jump to conclusions or steal their thunder when they are working hard to figure something out.
Oh....and when I'm tired and supposed to be going to bed is often when my teens want/need to talk. It's as if their processing of the day spills into the night and they become chatty...or is it that I'm too fatigued to interrupt them  ?
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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guitarnan
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Angie, you're so right!
I've had the best heart-to-hearts with my ds at 2:00 a.m. It's hard to explain to sleepy dh why we had to do this...maybe it is a mom/son thing?
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Leonie
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I find pegging a discussion to another activity helps...while we are cooking dinner togather, or at the clothesline hanging out washing.
And I just need to make sure I am available and not always rushing off to the next thing ( my natural tendency ).
Movies and books have been great discussion starters for us..for example, we watched Lost In Austen and then, after the first episode, I asked "What book would you choose to live in?".
Wow, the discussion was great..lots of insight into how we all think..some the same and some differently.
Or, one night, after mass and while hanging out after dinner, I asked what name would you choose if you were going to be a religious ( we have Franciscan friars in our parish). Another great conversation followed..and yet, these both weren't planned discussions, they happened because I shared my thinking, I was available and we had some down time together ( dinner or movie).
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jdostalik
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I find that my 14 year old finds me as soon as all the younger kids are in bed...She creeps out of her bedroom and sits down next to me as I am about to settle in with a good cozy read  and wants to share something that is troubling her or something that touched her or just anything at all.. 
Of course, I am usually exhausted but I am really trying to be available when she is ready to talk (as well as doing the normal discussing during the course of our busy days)...
So, Nancy and Angie, I can relate to those late-night heart-to-hearts.. 
Leonie, some of our best conversations with our older two daughters have been after our movie night when the littles are tucked in bed...so your insights are perfect for us!
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Angie Mc wrote:
Oh....and when I'm tired and supposed to be going to bed is often when my teens want/need to talk. It's as if their processing of the day spills into the night and they become chatty...or is it that I'm too fatigued to interrupt them ?
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Same here. Never thought that it may be because I am too tired to interrupt....
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yep. Or that the littles are too tired to interrupt!
Mine has been doing that too.
Or quietly comming into the bedroom when I'm nursing the baby for a nap. They come in to do their school work and sometimes it's just quiet, and sometimes they mention somethign interesting they learned in their studies, or ask a question about something else entirely.
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Jan 18 2010 at 11:36am | IP Logged
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Guess who was up late last night listening to a teen ? Goodness, these times are precious!
Leonie wrote:
I find pegging a discussion to another activity helps...while we are cooking dinner togather, or at the clothesline hanging out washing.
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Our most consistent and productive peg for discussion is our morning peg at 9:00. We discuss the daily readings and our calendar while eating breakfast.
Something else I'm coming to realize is that there are some tasks where listening/discussion don't combine well for me. Cooking comes to mind. I can't cook and talk! It reminds me of my friend who calls me when she needs to wash her dishes. She multi-tasks (talking/washing) but I can't...I can only talk. It has been helpful for me to let my children know that "I'm very interested in what you're saying but am finding it hard to do two things at once - listen and cook. As soon as we sit down to eat, I want to hear all about it." I can eat and talk and listen really well .
Another more formal way we practice discussion is during our Catechism Study. this format could be adapted to any topic...thinking about Natalia's current events post...
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Jan 19 2010 at 12:21pm | IP Logged
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I asked my 14yo ds to consider why he is comfortable talking with adults and why he is well-received by them. Here's his take:
Quote:
| I have always liked talking to people and I like to listen to what they have to say. I also helps that I hang around with good people to talk to. People who don't know me are often surprised by what I know and then they want to talk more to find out how much I do know. A lot of this revolves around sports talk but I also talk about everything - food, music, movies - and I joke around, which most people like. I introduce myself to others or sometimes I just hang around a conversation until I can contribute. I'll notice something that they like - maybe they're wearing a team shirt or they commented on something interesting - and I'll ask them about it. I also don't talk too long. I notice when people don't want to talk or discussions come to a natural end. |
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This teen has a natural gift of gab. He has a big smile and welcoming demeanor. He makes great eye contact, is quick to offer a hand shake, and can break up any tension with his silly wit. He has needed to learn how to listen...to give others a chance to think and respond. He has learned how to slow his pace down, when necessary, and to see his responsibility to hang in there with someone - even if they aren't talking about sports .
My 17yo dd is pretty much the opposite. She is a natural listener and is curious about others. She is serious minded, sharp witted, and mature. She is very articulate and has broad interests. She is great at one-to-one conversations. She has worked on how to talk about what is important to her, how to lighten up, and how to work a crowd.
I can see how the habit of discussion among family members with different styles and temperaments is helpful to becoming well-rounded in the art of discussion.
What are the discussion dynamics in your family?
Love,
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Angie Mc
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Willa
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I've noticed that my current 15 year old is a completely different conversationalist than his 4 older siblings were.
Though I miss the older ones, who are at college or living elsewhere now, it has been somewhat of a blessing that my relationship with this easy-going fifth child is developing.
We are having some great conversations about moral issues -- that I don't think would have happened if his more intense older siblings were still around all the time.
He can be really sharp! Because he likes to joke and to talk about video games, it isn't as obvious that he's thinking seriously underneath. And he remembers so much of what he hears or reads. ... so when I bring in a literary or cultural reference he usually picks up on it right away.
He will sometimes jump in the car and go on a grocery run or post office trip with me -- just because he wants a chance to hang out and talk, without the younger ones listening in.
Having more adult conversation is helping him feel more relaxed around others -- my kids tend to be shy but he is gaining confidence in his ability to communicate and carry on conversations in different subject areas.
Seems to me that the main thing is just to make opportunities -- with my 4th son, I used to get to chat with him when we were waiting in the car for the schoolbus to come -- sure, he was old enough to walk to the bus stop and wait by himself, but I found that if I wanted some down time to connect with him, time was short the rest of the day.
Nowadays I text him  or he texts me.
With my second son, I had to stay up late (hard for me!) to have the best conversations, because he didn't usually like to talk when the whole house was active.
With my oldest, I would ask him a question about a subject of interest -- science, literature, philosophy -- and if things went right, he would talk and talk.
I think if you look for the opportunities and build them, they will come -- it was harder when I had needy babies and was very drained at the end of the day. ... but even then, meal preparation and bedtime when the babies were dozing were usually good times, as well as car trips.
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Willa
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Angie Mc
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Thanks, Willa  . You hit on three points that I have found important: style, opportunity, and grouping.
My oldest is an introverted night owl who could easily get lost in a shuffle. She loved one-to-one late night conversations after everyone else was in bed. Now that she's in college, I thank God for texting!!!!!
My second is an extroverted morning guy who will banter all morning long (instead of other duties!) if allowed. I get to hear his more serious thoughts when I drive him to practices/lessons alone. He'll be driving soon so I'll need to figure out how to make new opportunities.
My third teen (in February) seems to be attracted to talking to me...when I'm doing my own work . When I'm available or planned discussions...not so much. I think it has something to do with needing to grow in his own confidence and decision-making. I might need to peg him to when I do laundry, instead of when I'm at the computer.
As a group, my boys and I tend to discuss baseball with such a passion and in such fine detail (I'm just as guilty) that it can overtake everything else . One way I've found to at least attempt to discuss other matters is through pegs, lessons, and meetings...mainly our morning peg.
Love,
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Angie Mc
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4Real Forums : High School Years and Beyond
Topic: Habit of Discussion with Teens
