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Angie Mc
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St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle...
Background links which may be helpful but aren't necessary:
Be Blessed! A Family Study (see "Mood")
How we think and feel - interest?
When I slam the toe of my foot into a wall, I yell and hop up and down in pain. Slamming my toe is the action. Yelling and hopping are my reaction. Yet most of my reactions as a wife and mother aren’t so physically triggered. I mostly face the common or mundane. My husband smiles at me. My son drops a dish on the floor and breaks it. I get distracted from washing the laundry. I react. I smile back at my husband. I help my son clean up the mess. I remember the laundry and wash a load. Or…I pout at my husband’s smile, bark at my son to clean up the mess “NOW!” and walk away from the laundry room and find another distraction.
Why do my reactions differ? Common guesses, reasons, and excuses are endless. Wives and mothers are tired, hungry, sick, pregnant, hurting, grieving, slothful, poor, or overwhelmed. We are too tight, loose, young, old, thin, fat, busy, scheduled, unorganized, introverted, extroverted, choleric, or melancholic. We have character flaws, annoying relatives, dysfunctional childhoods, or debt. We haven’t done enough, read enough, tried enough, or prayed enough. Enough!
This week we’ll look at the tiny space of time between action and our reaction. There we’ll find thoughts and feelings come so quickly and automatically that in many respects they are hidden and unnoticed by us, like breathing. The premise is simple. For every action that affects me, I have a thought/s that triggers a feeling/s which influences my reaction/s. Often these thoughts are distorted and needlessly trigger misguided feelings of anxiety, hopelessness, anger, and despair. While engaged in these feelings, we may feel out of control and we are definitely ripe for sin.
Here’s our outline for the week. Let’s stay focused and orderly because the topic is already big. Avoid debate about the validity or helpfulness of the topic (that can be tested and reported on after all material has been presented.) Follow suggestions for a respectful and courteous atmosphere found on our home page header. Keep personal experiences general, avoid giving too much information, and avoid speaking poorly of others, especially our husbands and family. If there is a desire to start a related offshoot topic, please do so after this one is finished. Thank you!
1. Goal: learn and use new tools to help us be the child of God, wife, mother, and neighbor we are called to be by forming better habits of thought and developing mental discipline which will result in more consistent right behavior.
2. Action -> Thought/s -> Feeling/s -> Reaction, Behavior
3. Practice "catching" thoughts and feelings that follow common actions.
4. Learn the types of common thinking distortions.
5. Learn the types of common misguided attitudes.
6. Consider the differences between mistakes, misfortunes, misunderstandings, and inconveniences.
7. Limits of our mental gymnastics. Grief.
8. Connect what we have learned and our hopes for Lent.
Let's begin!
Your doorbell just rang while you are reading this and you are not expecting company or mail. What are your thoughts and feelings?
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Lisbet
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| Posted: Feb 16 2009 at 9:39am | IP Logged
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Hmmm, very interesting exercise Angie. I can certainly see how this could be helpful. I'll bite:
Your doorbell just rang while you are reading this and you are not expecting company or mail. What are your thoughts and feelings?
"What the?? I'm not expecting anyone? Gosh I wish the kids wouldn't run to the door everytime the bell rings. Guys, get away, (commanding) It's awful cold to have the baby by the open door. (how dare anyone stop by unnounced!) Crud, I'm still in my pj's and I have serious bedhead, the house is a wreck, only two kids are 'schooling'. (pride)
If it's a solicitor: I mouth "Not interested" and walk off in a huff - thinking "the nerve of some people!" Then lecture the kids on running to the door all the time.
If it's a friend: Let her in and apologize over and over again for my appearance, make excuses for the house and rowdy children, etc...(pride pride pride!)
Is this along the lines of the excercise Angie? I'm not sure I 'get' the guidelines.
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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Angie Mc
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Perfect, Lisa! Thank you very much. I would have written something very similar and I imagine that we're not alone in our response.
I'm not sure I "get" my guuidelines either and am hoping this becomes more clear as we dive in  . For now, I'm hoping to provide a few common scenarios to practice "catching" our thoughts and feelings because normally these thoughts and feelings happen so quickly, we react on auto-pilot which isn't always in our best interest...or in the best interest of our loved ones.
In the doorbell scenario I am likely to jump to the conclusion that the matter at the door is important to me. But is it? Am I obliged to answer a doorbell? Should the ringing of a doorbell result in me feeling imposed upon, frustrated with my housekeeping, or impatient with my children?
We don't need to answer these questions just yet. Let's just keep practicing catching the thoughts and feelings between action and my reaction.
Another scenario: You just read at 4Real about a member's top-notch craft idea for Lent. What are your thoughts and feelings?
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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CrunchyMom
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At this point, are we simply looking at what our reaction is likely to be or examining that reaction and trying to rethink it so it is more what it should be?
Also, if our reaction isn't as it should be because the reason we are in this situation is that we haven't done all we should have, is that part of it? My reactions are greatly affected by my environment--so is recognizing our failings (e.g., I procrastinated in cleaning the front room for no good reason which is why its a mess)part of losing our pride and reacting humbly and properly and with even temper?
ETA--I see I cross posted and you addressed this somewhat already!
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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CrunchyMom
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Angie Mc wrote:
| Another scenario: You just read at 4Real about a member's top-notch craft idea for Lent. What are your thoughts and feelings? |
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Do I have what I need to do that? Would my boys be able to do it? Is it worth the mess? Can I deal with the mess of a craft? I'll wait until the rest of my house is spotless--and then do it. (which means, I'll never do it).
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Willa
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Angie Mc wrote:
Your doorbell just rang while you are reading this and you are not expecting company or mail. What are your thoughts and feelings?
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We usually think "the UPS man!" The teenager runs to put the cross old dog in a room so he won't nip the newcomer.
I usually feel a mixture of curiosity and dread.
We don't get very many unexpected doorbell rings and when we do it's usually business -- a package, or Smoky Bear telling us we have too much brush stacked next to our house. Usually it's no biggie, but I always have this underlying sense that someday it will be something I can't handle. I feel I am just barely handling things as they are, so any new thing I don't expect brings a bit of fear.
Angie Mc wrote:
Quote:
| Another scenario: You just read at 4Real about a member's top-notch craft idea for Lent. What are your thoughts and feelings? |
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Right at this moment of my life, I probably think "nice for them, but not for me." I think I probably conclude this way too quickly, possibly shutting myself and my kids out of some neat experiences.
I suppose at the same time my reaction could be a healthy strategy for some people who are very inclined to feel that somehow they "should" do the craft or that they "don't measure up" if they don't. I used to be like that and possibly have gone too far in the other direction.
Honestly, that's the place where I always get confused, Angie -- the space between what happens, my immediate response and then my final decision or attitude which is more "chosen". My immediate feelings are a strong clue into what my default mode is. I value them for that reason. Howwever, I am probably too inclined to let them being the decision-maker and final word. Which is probably your point. They should be a starting place only.
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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Angie Mc
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CrunchyMom wrote:
At this point, are we simply looking at what our reaction is likely to be or examining that reaction and trying to rethink it so it is more what it should be?
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Yes, Lindsay, what is our likely response. We can even think if we might have different thoughts and feelings under different circumstances. For now, we aren't solving anything, that type of introspective work will come later when we look at common thinking distortions.
Willa wrote:
| Honestly, that's the place where I always get confused, Angie -- the space between what happens and my immediate response. My immediate feelings are a strong clue into what my default mode is. I value them for that reason. Howwever, I am probably too inclined to let them being the decision-maker and final word. Which is probably your point. They should be a starting place only. |
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Exactly, Willa. What are these fleeting thoughts that trigger our strong feelings? Can these thoughts be categorized to help us make sense of the bazillion thoughts that float through our mind? If there are categories, can they help us? More on this later .
I'd love to see more replies to the above scenarios before I post a few more. Any takers?
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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KC in TX
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Angie Mc wrote:
Your doorbell just rang while you are reading this and you are not expecting company or mail. What are your thoughts and feelings?
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Usually, I think, "Package" because it usually is. If my husband were deployed, I'd have a more freaked out response. Luckily, he's home right now.
If it's not something I'm expecting, then it's either a salesperson or a friend. If it's a friend, I'm happy for the interruption and happily open the door. If it's someone I don't know, I open the door warily. Should I even bother letting the doorbell interrupt my day? I don't know but I do let it.
I hope I'm doing this right. I'm just diving in. Oh, gotta go, middle dd is calling me.
__________________
KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
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Angie Mc
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KC in TX wrote:
| I hope I'm doing this right. I'm just diving in. Oh, gotta go, middle dd is calling me. |
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Absolutely right! This is all about brainstorming together.
Anogher scenario: You just caught your school-aged child in a lie about his or her studies. What are your thoughts and feelings?
Pick a scenario, any scenario, and dive on in!
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Lori
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Doorbell: Who could that possibly be? Yelling at kids to get away from the door. Yelling at kids for leaving door unlocked. If it's a solicitor, telling them No, thank you, we don't buy door to door items. If it's a neighbor, apologizing for looking like I do (PJ's/bedhead/etc--have I brushed my teeth?  ) Once encounter is over, sighing over the interruption, trying to get back into whatever it was I was trying to do.
Lenten craft idea: how great...when will I ever get back on track with CGS???!!!
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Cheryl
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Doorbell: It must either be UPS or my Dad. I don't mind either. If it is a neighbor, I'd wonder what they wanted and I'd be polite. If it was my in-laws, I'd have a rush of fear go through me, then try to welcome them calmly.
Craft: That's cool. I wonder if we should do that? No. Keep it simple. But the kids might like it...
Lie: It depends on the day. I may calmly give a consequence, feeling sorry for the child or I may freak out, get angry, feel like I want to send the child to school...
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Cheryl
Wife to Bob ('97)
Mom to Matthew 13, Joseph 11, Sarah 10, Rachel 6, Hannah almost 4 and Mary 1
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Matilda
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Doorbell: Everybody goes quiet which is a big improvement from when they actually use to hide. I quietly sneak to the door and peek out. If I don't know who it is or can't determine their purpose at my door, I don't open it and we stay quiet until they leave. Wow. Typing all of that out makes me think I look paranoid but we have had some very unpleasant and scary encounters regarding unexpected visitors at the door. My children know that we don't open the door if we are not expecting someone or something.
Craft: There was a time when I would gather all of the kids in the car and set out to gather the supplies right away because we HAD to do it. I have been able to reign in that response in recent years and given myself a chance to think about whether or not a particular craft would work for my family.
Lie: This is one that would illicit a big response from me. I would be angry and upset. I don't tolerate a breech of trust very well. I would probably yell and cry and at the same time, beat myself up for obviously having failed them in some way if they haven't learned the importance of honesty, hard work and a job well done. I might even be tempted to remove myself and pout for a while. (Being honest here...it's not always pretty!)
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Charlotte (Matilda)
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with bookend boys and a double girl sandwich
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Lisbet
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Quote:
Lie: This is one that wold illicit a big response from me. I would be angry and upset. I don't tolerate a breech of trust very well. I would probably yell and cry and at the same time, beat myself up for obviously having failed them in some way if they haven't learned the importance of honesty, hard work and a job well done. I might even be tempted to remove myself and pout for a while. (Being honest here...it's not always pretty!)
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Charlotte, this is SO me. I would run off to my bedroom and cry and then call dh right away at work and tell him how I've been wronged, how I'm messing up our kids by homeschooling them or otherwised failed as a mother - only to stress him out while he's in a meeting or something else that butters our bread...
Then, I would slowly accept their fallen nature, forgive them, and help them resolve to make amends.
I overreact so dramatically over lying...
Craft: I'd consider if it would work for our family, maybe modify it to fit our situation or the supplies we have on hand, or not do it at all and feel guilty for jipping my kids.
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
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Angie Mc
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Bravo, ladies! We are doing a great job at catching some of our thoughts and feelings in reaction to common events we face.
Another scenario: Your teen just asked for leniency regarding a long standing family dress code. What are your thoughts and feelings? (Don't have a teen? Imagine and take your best guess .)
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Willa
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Angie Mc wrote:
Anogher scenario: You just caught your school-aged child in a lie about his or her studies. What are your thoughts and feelings? |
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My feelings about this are exactly the same as they would be if my child suddenly came down with a high fever and lethargy. In other words, hyper-vigilance time. It could be something that will pass over with a few days of careful intervention, but it could be the symptom of something worse. Which it would be -- only time and much close observation and attention to a total healing would tell.
I suppose in this case I would trust my first reaction more than my second or third, because sometimes I have a tendency to want to let up once the crisis is over. But I know that for something like a lie it could be a big thing and I wouldn't want to pluck the stem of the weed and leave the root intact. Sorry for all the mixed metaphors
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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joann10
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Angie Mc wrote:
Another scenario: Your teen just asked for leniency regarding a long standing family dress code. What are your thoughts and feelings? .)
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I have been there with this question! My first thought is that the world is ruining my kids, they must watch too much tv, or it must be the friends they are hanging out with that is influencing them. I definitely feel like I am failing in their upbringing in some way when they question our decisions.
But then I try and step back and listen carefully to what they are asking. Usually it is a way for the child to show some independence, making this sort of choice of their own.
These are wonderful ideas to ponder--it is very insightful.
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Angie Mc
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Here are two final scenarios I'll present for today!
Your dh has chosen not to make dietary changes that you feel he should. What are your thoughts and feelings?
You promised yourself and God to pray the rosary daily. It has been three days since you have prayed the rosary. What are your thoughts and feelings?
*******
Suggestions for *private* consideration:
Pay attention to your reactions today and throughout the week.
Consider one of your reactions that was pleasing to you and/or others. What action, thoughts, and feelings preceeded your behavior?
Consider one of your reactions that was less than pleasing. What action, thoughts, and feelings preceeded your behavior?
Look for patterns.
Write down your observations.
************
Mondays are often busy and today is a holiday! I hope more ladies will join in the brainstorming on this topic during the week.
Later today (Monday 2/16/2009) or tomorrow, I will start a new topic to present the next part of the material that labels and defines thinking distortions. From there, we'll look at a scenario or two, and see if we can find and label thinking distortions.
(I just re-read the previous paragraph and am feeling compelled to re-write it in order to somehow make it sound more interesting  ...or to crack a bad joke  . I'll stop here and trust that the material is inherently interesting, even if I'm not  .)
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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SuzanneG
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Matilda wrote:
Doorbell: Everybody goes quiet which is a big improvement from when they actually use to hide. I quietly sneak to the door and peek out. If I don't know who it is or can't determine their purpose at my door, I don't open it and we stay quiet until they leave. Wow. Typing all of that out makes me think I look paranoid but we have had some very unpleasant and scary encounters regarding unexpected visitors at the door. My children know that we don't open the door if we are not expecting someone or something.
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Ditto. When the doorbell rings, my initial thoughts turn toward reigning in the kids, so I can figure out how to proceed.
Craft: Oh, that looks fun....Maybe we'll do something like that in a couple years when everyone is able to help organize and do clean up. 
Dress-code ~ my natural reaction would be "too bad...those are the rules." But, I'd also be relieved that she initiated discussion about it instead of sulking, pouting or having other bad behavior....or just disobeying entirely. I'd look forward to the problem-solving of it.....
__________________
Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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msclavel
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Oh Angie, this is terrific! Thank you. I can't tell how this fits perfectly into my life right now. I can't address the specifics right now, but let me tell you, it made me stop and think at every instant reaction I might have today and affected my day in very positive ways.
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Mackfam
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Quote:
| Your doorbell just rang while you are reading this and you are not expecting company or mail. What are your thoughts and feelings? |
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Attempt to beat the children to the door. Send them away from the door before it is opened. Answer it. I don't think I have feelings or thoughts about who might be on the other side. If it is an unexpected visit - I cheerfully invite them in! If someone rings the doorbell during naptime...I admit to being  .
Quote:
| You just read at 4Real about a member's top-notch craft idea for Lent. What are your thoughts and feelings? |
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I instantly recognize the creativity involved and am amazed at the person. I really do feel sincere joy when you all share your creativity here and on your blogs! Then, I quickly discern if it is something I might want to consider - age appropriate, amount of stuff required, will a shopping trip be necessary? If it's not something that fits in our family...I let it go. If it's something I want to consider and mull over further or even if it's something I know I'm not doing this year but might want to draw inspiration from next year, I bookmark under my liturgical year folder so I don't lose the idea. If it's something I know I want to do, I print.
Quote:
| You just caught your school-aged child in a lie about his or her studies. What are your thoughts and feelings? |
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My first reaction on discovering a lie is extreme disappointment. Knowing that my emotions are high, I immediately convey my disappointment and let the child know I need time to process and consider with dad. I interiorly begin to consider circumstances, motivations, expectations, outside influences, my unknowing culpability/accessory to the crime.
Quote:
| Your teen just asked for leniency regarding a long standing family dress code. What are your thoughts and feelings? |
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Depends. If it is an issue of modesty we have hashed out and discerned - I am unmoving, but recognize a legitimate desire to express independence. I want to offer to foster that in an acceptable way. If it is an issue of expression - I might be open to hearing the wishes and desires with the understanding that dad and I will consider prayerfully and provide an answer after we've taken time to consider. If the answer is needed immediately, the answer will be no.
Quote:
| Your dh has chosen not to make dietary changes that you feel he should. What are your thoughts and feelings? |
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Hmmmm....disappointed, I suppose. But, what can you do? I suppose I'd probably feel a little helpless and wonder if my approach was (as it usually it is with me  ...a little bulldozer-ish...is that a word?). I'd be thinking of reworking a more humble approach in a way that communicates to him in a way that is both charitable and communicates in a way he is more open to hearing.
Quote:
| You promised yourself and God to pray the rosary daily. It has been three days since you have prayed the rosary. What are your thoughts and feelings? |
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sigh. And resolve to pick up my rosary during the next nap or nursing session!
Is this right, Angie? I had a lot to catch up on tonight. I had to think about some of my knee-jerk reactions...I found myself saying "well, I know what I'd want to do, but what would I really do instead in the heat of the moment?" It was hard because I've been really trying to change some of my reactions...in fact I've really been trying to *react* less and instead reply which leaves time for thought and prayer and leaves some subjects without harsh words. I hope I didn't skew the first day's exercise. Looking forward to tomorrow.
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19, ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: How we think and feel - 2. Let's begin!
