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PDyer
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I'm struggling with my daughter right now and I need help finding a new response to her. She's six and is the only child I'm homeschooling right now. Her brother is eleven and began attending the local Catholic elementary in January. She misses him terribly. I think that's part of our problem.
Madeline is a very verbal, precocious child. I'd say she probably has a choleric personality. I have a melancholic/choleric personality. Consequently, she is stretching me in ways her brother never did, and the result has not always been pretty. I have been working extremely hard on responding to her gently, lovingly, yet firmly when she needs to hear from an authority. So that's the background of us.
I'll give you an example. Yesterday we read That's What Happens When it's Spring and she saw the very lovely painted eggs in the book. She said I'd like to paint eggs. I said, great and bought her a dozen eggs and boiled them, not realizing the result she wants is along the lines of pysanky eggs. She talked about making eggs last night on the way home from the grocery store, before bed, when her feet hit the floor this morning and on the way home from dropping her brother at school.
Once again I find myself disappointing my daughter. I can't do pysanky eggs on a dime on a wide open day, much less on a day like today where we have a lot going on this afternoon, and I need to prepare a dessert for our rosary group this evening. She was very upset because I couldn't make pysanky eggs RIGHT NOW, and that she couldn't simply paint eggs with tempera paint and end up with the result she wanted.
That disappointment has colored the rest of the day so far. She is very touchy. She asks me to do things, much of time in very rapid succession, she wants to do whateveritis RIGHT NOW, and much of the time the things she wants to do simultaneously are mutually exclusive (eg read me a book and I want to listen to a book on tape). Any activity suggestion I make is unacceptable. I've offered that she help me make the dessert, and that lasted as long as it takes to crack four eggs. She complained she had a tummy ache and acted nauseated until I mused aloud (bad idea, I guess) that I'd have to call her dad to pick up her brother for rosary group if she wasn't feeling well. She made an amazing recovery while reading on the couch. Hmmm. 
She's not always like this, but when she is it is exhausting for me and frustrating for the both of us. She's outside practicing her new two-wheeler skills. I'm going to need to call her in so I can get a shower before we pick up her brother, and I'm not looking forward to it.
Well this got awfully long, fast. Sorry. Any suggestions greatly appreciated!
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Patty
Mom of ds (7/96) and dd (9/01) and two angels (8/95 and 6/08)
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JennGM
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| Posted: April 04 2008 at 1:28pm | IP Logged
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Patty, I can't help, but you've saved me the trouble of starting a post about my son about similar concerns. I don't have the pouting or acting up bit, and he is very malleable to suggestions. BUT my son at age 4 is very inquisitive and demanding. And we go from one thing to the next and he wants help and to do things always RIGHT NOW.
I've been wondering if I'm not doing enough with him, or how to pull in the reins so that I don't stop the creativity or interest, but still try to balance some of the activities to our real life. I've got a small bambino which makes long one on one activities impossible, as there interruptions.
So no answers, sorry, but I can't believe how much you described my problem.
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Jennifer G. Miller
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: April 04 2008 at 2:11pm | IP Logged
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You might try reading some of the books out there on "Spirited" children. My oldest daughter is similar: very dramatic, very impatient, very verbal (my grandmother noted, "That one never shuts up"), often over-estimates my and her ability to do things and sets up unrealistic expectations of how things are going to turn out (i.e., art projects and social events), and wants to be the boss. The biggest thing is that she is just soooooo INTENSE.
There are also several threads in the forum about spirited/difficult children.
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Barbara
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mommiepappa
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Boy Patty, your situation sounds a lot like mine about two years ago. What I found out about my dd at the time was that she is a perfectionist. When she was constantly complaining or commenting on things not going exactly how she wanted or throwing a temper tantrum just because she could not print PERFECTLY, she really wasn't angry at me. She was angry at herself because she could not do, be or perform at the level she thought she should be.
I have worked the last year or year and half just explaining that she wasn't expected to be perfect. That no one is perfect. That God made her exactly how she is and gave her the ability to learn and grow each day. That learning, growing and getting better at things takes time. I also let her know that it was okay to get upset if things were not "perfect" but that it could not disrupt the family's entire day. That she was free to go and spend some time alone until she could come back with a happy face. This has actually worked for us.
Maybe your daughter is just expressing her unhappiness at just not be able to make the perfect egg right away like she feels she should be able to.
Just a thought.
Kathee
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Mackfam
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| Posted: April 04 2008 at 3:08pm | IP Logged
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Kathee - I'm glad you decided to post here! Did Maryan bring you out of lurkdom with her awesome thread?
Ok, these are my thoughts. I'm not sure what happens around the ages of 4-6, but something does and my kids seem to want to really, really, really test boundaries and make demands. I think it has to do with their growing sense of independence, and a greedy need for more and more independence, while still being restricted in a sense by us because of their lack of judgement.
I sat down and really discussed with dh what I felt were behavior issues and tried to separate those from what we both perceived to be attention issues/needs. We addressed those separately.
First, I set out to try to provide a few independently driven tasks that seemed "newish" to my child. A scoop and sort tray, a simple science experiment blending food colors, a new basket of books from the shelf. I tried to set out plenty and I really talked it up. Then, I knew I had some suggestions up my sleeve.
Next, I worked on my day. A sort of flexible Mother's Rule of Life is what I finally landed on. It helped me, and it helped the children know what they could expect from the day.
The kids still demanded, and sometimes I would have to respond that now was not the time, but with a "Rule" (even a flexible one) I knew when there might be a spare minute. At one point I even built a special "project time" into my rule, but I haven't done that in a while. Anyway, when they would ask to rebuild St. Peter's Basilica out of popsicle sticks or something else like it, I would just pencil them in during our project time. That gave us time to discuss their expectations of the project, like "you know that this model of St. Peter's will be small enough to fit on a small cardboard base and will not fill Daddy's living room, right?!" And, it gave us time to gather supplies, and me time to remind myself that I had to make myself available during this time.
Don't know if this helps you ladies at all, but I do empathize! Right now, I'm feeling a little pulled in different directions. I really need to go look at my "Rule" again and make some adjustments for the new reality here. Things aren't working as well as they could. Thanks for jogging my brain cells!
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Jen Mackintosh
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Anne McD
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| Posted: April 04 2008 at 5:20pm | IP Logged
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Mackfam wrote:
At one point I even built a special "project time" into my rule, but I haven't done that in a while. Anyway, when they would ask to rebuild St. Peter's Basilica out of popsicle sticks or something else like it, I would just pencil them in during our project time. That gave us time to discuss their expectations of the project, like "you know that this model of St. Peter's will be small enough to fit on a small cardboard base and will not fill Daddy's living room, right?!" And, it gave us time to gather supplies, and me time to remind myself that I had to make myself available during this time.
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This is a great idea! So often, my 6yo ds collects random things for the art box to make things, but we never do. It doesn't help that they are burning through art supplies like noone's business, but I digress . .. .He is like your daughter, too-- wants what he wants now, goes flying off the handle when it doesn't go his way (choleric, too). I think he's a bit of a perfectionist (I realized that about myself a few years ago, too) and needs structure. The days when we actually follow the schedule and he knows what's coming next are our best.
I just have to stay coolheaded when he's not . . . .
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Anne
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PDyer
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| Posted: April 05 2008 at 8:18am | IP Logged
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I haven't posted and disappeared!
Just a quick note to say we are going to baseball practice this morning, and I have a project to do for my husband's practice, but I will be getting back to this thread as soon as I can.
I do think I need to dig out Kids, Parents and Power Struggles again. It's been a long time...
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Patty
Mom of ds (7/96) and dd (9/01) and two angels (8/95 and 6/08)
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CAgirl4God
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| Posted: April 05 2008 at 9:47pm | IP Logged
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******I'm not sure what happens around the ages of 4-6, but something does and my kids seem to want to really, really, really test boundaries and make demands. I think it has to do with their growing sense of independence, and a greedy need for more and more independence, while still being restricted in a sense by us because of their lack of judgement.******
I agree lol.
My Nugget had a hard time at age 6. she tested me often.
we, dh and I, tried to be consistent with her. and gentle but firm.
I also tried to give her extra responsibility.. jobs just for her.
maybe your dd is missing the routine as well as her brother???
I am not sure what to suggest, just wanted you to know that I have been there too.
(hugs)
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PDyer
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| Posted: April 07 2008 at 4:14pm | IP Logged
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JennGM wrote:
| I've been wondering if I'm not doing enough with him, or how to pull in the reins so that I don't stop the creativity or interest, but still try to balance some of the activities to our real life. |
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I have the same thoughts. I love the fact she's so creative and enthusiastic, but we can't carry the inventory of the local craft store in our home so we always have the supplies necessary to create whatever she cooks up. Nor can I always take off for the craft store RIGHT NOW. 
JennGM wrote:
| I don't have the pouting or acting up bit, and he is very malleable to suggestions. |
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Madeline has never been malleable. I finally found Rev. Conrad Hock's discussion of The Four Temperments. I think I'll be re-reading and praying over the 'training the choleric' sections for the next several years, applying both to myself and my daughter. 
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Patty
Mom of ds (7/96) and dd (9/01) and two angels (8/95 and 6/08)
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PDyer
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| Posted: April 07 2008 at 4:16pm | IP Logged
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Barbara C. wrote:
| The biggest thing is that she is just soooooo INTENSE. |
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INTENSE is the perfect word.
Barbara C. wrote:
| There are also several threads in the forum about spirited/difficult children. |
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I will do a search; thanks for reminding me.
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Patty
Mom of ds (7/96) and dd (9/01) and two angels (8/95 and 6/08)
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PDyer
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mommiepappa wrote:
When she was constantly complaining or commenting on things not going exactly how she wanted or throwing a temper tantrum just because she could not print PERFECTLY, she really wasn't angry at me. She was angry at herself because she could not do, be or perform at the level she thought she should be.
I have worked the last year or year and half just explaining that she wasn't expected to be perfect. That no one is perfect. That God made her exactly how she is and gave her the ability to learn and grow each day. That learning, growing and getting better at things takes time. I also let her know that it was okay to get upset if things were not "perfect" but that it could not disrupt the family's entire day. That she was free to go and spend some time alone until she could come back with a happy face. This has actually worked for us. |
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Thank you for the suggestion. She is most definitely a perfectionist, one who comes by the trait genetically . I'm going to take your advice and talk to her as you suggest.
We've been asking her to go upstairs to cool off when she gets worked up. I have my reservations about sending her off when she's so angry. I don't want her to simply stew up there, and I don't want to push her away; but on the other hand, she needs very clear boundaries that are utterly immobile to come to terms with the idea that she needs to change her behavior.
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Patty
Mom of ds (7/96) and dd (9/01) and two angels (8/95 and 6/08)
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PDyer
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| Posted: April 07 2008 at 4:38pm | IP Logged
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Mackfam wrote:
| First, I set out to try to provide a few independently driven tasks that seemed "newish" to my child. |
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This sounds good. My Montessori-ish shelves have grown cold, so to speak. I need to reorganize. I also bought a couple of craft kits (all needed items included!) yesterday at Tuesday Morning, for something new. We've been working on weaving a tote bag today.
Mackfam wrote:
| Next, I worked on my day. A sort of flexible Mother's Rule of Life is what I finally landed on. It helped me, and it helped the children know what they could expect from the day. |
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Always a work in process. I wonder too if all the chaos we've been experiencing is coming out sideways for her, now. Hmmm.
Mackfam wrote:
| At one point I even built a special "project time" into my rule, but I haven't done that in a while. |
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This is a great idea. We also started a project list today, so I can keep track of her ideas (as fast and furious as they can come out of her), and try to make sure I have the supplies to make them happen. We should shop for the stuff together. She loves to shop.
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Patty
Mom of ds (7/96) and dd (9/01) and two angels (8/95 and 6/08)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Can you help?
