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Becky Parker Forum All-Star
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Posted: May 06 2014 at 7:11am | IP Logged
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My dd in 9th is really struggling with getting her work done. This is a time of learning for her and I don't see it as a bad thing. Interestingly enough though, it was a great discussion starter for my dh and I last night. I feel the same overwhelm that my dd feels. Mine isn't about history papers and math tests. It's about getting the house clean, the kids educated, the laundry done .... I have limited my time on the computer in an attempt to accomplish more, but it doesn't seem to be helping. Then, in the midst of my tales of woe, my dh jumped in with the same stories of the struggles he has at work. (He's the CFO of a company). So, we're all in the same boat! I'm wondering if a) something is just wrong with our family or b) God is trying to teach us all something!
We talked about a book we read years ago, Stephen Covey's Habits of Highly Effective People and discussed the big rocks vs little rocks. I'm trying to look at my priorities and see if they are out of order. Care to share what you see as the big priorities of your day?
__________________ Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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CrunchyMom Forum Moderator
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Posted: May 06 2014 at 7:39am | IP Logged
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What a terrific topic, Becky. If God is trying to teach you and your family something, he is trying to teach ours the same thing! Dh and I both feel a sense of overwhelm and never getting to all the things we should both at home and with him at work.
I desperately need to prioritize, and I look forward to others sharing how they do so. I hope Marilyn contributes because I have been very inspired by her recent posts on order as the foundation of the home that she shared in some recent threads. Well, inspired and overwhelmed
We had an event this weekend for dh's work, and we brought all the boys to the local steeplechase. I worked all week sewing matching bow ties and hats for the boys to wear--during the time I wasn't nursing the baby--and my house looks like a bomb exploded. I was speaking to this at the event, and an older (wealthy) lady said that her dressmaker always says that you can be a good seamstress or a good housekeeper but not both. I do think that it can be especially hard to maintain order in a group of creative personalities! No only do the endeavors ignore regular chores and messes but create new ones in the process.
I also struggle because I spent my entire life before children focusing my creative energy in large chunks. Any projects for school or hobbies I would spend huge swaths of time on at once. This doesn't not work well as a mother of small children!!!
I love my mother dearly, and she did remarkably well raising us to have more homemaking skill than her own mother gave to her, but she did not instill good habits in this area, and I fear never recovering. How can I be this old and responsible for these children and still not able to keep my house clean, the laundry done, the meals cooked, etc...?!!
__________________ Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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MarilynW Forum All-Star
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Posted: May 06 2014 at 8:28am | IP Logged
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Lindsay - I am glad I have inspired you, but honestly we are not there yet, and we are really working on it. I think that busyness is the curse of our age which distracts us from God. I will come back to this thread later today - but I thought you might enjoy a couple of articles that highlight our overwhelmed society On Busyness and Busy is a Thief
I have a lot to say - my Lent meditations were about this - and when reading Soul of the Apostolate, Fire Within etc - I realize how far I am from the ideals of order and peace.
__________________ Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
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SallyT Forum All-Star
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Posted: May 06 2014 at 9:05am | IP Logged
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We struggle with this, too, and it does not come easily or naturally to me. Even my husband, who is a preternaturally disciplined person, struggles to keep work and home in some kind of balanced perspective. And my teenager, too, struggles to keep his priorities in balance -- he has lots of balls in the air, and they're all good ones that we want him to have, but keeping something important from falling through the cracks is a constant concern.
Just the other night, though, I picked up a pamphlet from my husband's bedside table -- Fr. John McCloskey's Seven Daily Habits of Faithful Catholics.. Um, shall we say that my daily habits and these do not entirely coincide? But this strikes me as a really good priority list to work on -- if we get all seven habits going, I think a lot of other things might just fall into place.
So now I'm following my kids around, declaring, "Habit Number Three . . . !" I think they probably wish I would *take* the habit, or otherwise go away already. :)
Sally
__________________ Castle in the Sea
Abandon Hopefully
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mommy4ever Forum All-Star
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Posted: May 06 2014 at 9:22am | IP Logged
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You know, Becky, I wonder if it's a battle that most people face.
I struggle with this, big time. My house is 'presentable', it has to be due to running a home daycare. But it's not really all that tidy, there are areas that are terrible.
I am a last minute person. I was when I was in school. Everything the night before. I try to be on top of that with the high schoolers(in school). They share with me when they have essays due, and no matter what I do to get them started earlier, they won't. We use their agenda's and break it down so they use their time more efficiently... it hasn't worked yet. So I wonder if some of us are just programmed that way?
I have go through spurts with the computer. It sucks up time, but lots of things do. Computer might only be 10 minutes in a day for 25 days out of the month. But then there are other things. Trying to find something can be a couple hours, dd10 having a bad day with focus requiring me to sit with her for her whole school day, means 3 hours. Deciding on an elaborate dinner, 2 hours. Fussy kids during the week, another couple hours. Trying to organize an area of the house 2 hours, then leaving it unfinished and causing more grief another day.
So some things are just parenting, being a wife, homeschooler etc. Other things are caused by self.
I am thinking that what I really need to do, is create a plan of what I need to get done for my sanity, then a list of things I would like to get done. Those are bonus items, and I need to acknowledge that if they don't happen, not a big deal. But the other list needs to take priority, and I need to find a time to get it done.
We have some things that we do really well. We plan our activities, really well, at least the out of the home activities. We have a great wall calendar with columns for all of us. It works. I think i need to carry that habit to include homeschool stuff, house hold stuff. To get things to really happen.
Dh isn't so bad. He gets things done. He will make his list, and work down it. Now, he doesn't set deadlines, so he could improve on that, but I need to learn from him. He will not sit down after work, unless he's not feeling well and he will get something off his list done. But he will procrastinate some times.
__________________ Mom to 4,
1 graduated June 2012
1 in Catholic school
2 homeschooled(one considering art school!)
ardently praying for a new addition to our family.
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ekbell Forum All-Star
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Posted: May 06 2014 at 9:46am | IP Logged
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The only time I have had the possibility of more time then things to do in it, I was single, working at an undemanding job and wasn't involved with anything outside of work. A quiet, peaceful but ultimately very self-centred and empty way of life.
As soon as service to anything outside of self came into play, my life became fuller and time became scarcer.
I've found three things offer the most hope for peace.
a)Set priorities - if two 'jobs' conflict decide which is most important
b) work out a routine -start small, add structure gradually, allow for interruptions!
c) cultivate what Catherine Doherty called 'the duty of the moment', doing whatever it is that most needs doing at the moment as best one can for the love of God and your neighbour (even if it's wiping up after a toilet training accident as I just did ) and leaving what you can't do yourself to the Mercy of God.
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MarilynW Forum All-Star
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Posted: May 06 2014 at 8:38pm | IP Logged
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SallyT wrote:
Just the other night, though, I picked up a pamphlet from my husband's bedside table -- Fr. John McCloskey's Seven Daily Habits of Faithful Catholics.. Um, shall we say that my daily habits and these do not entirely coincide? But this strikes me as a really good priority list to work on -- if we get all seven habits going, I think a lot of other things might just fall into place.
So now I'm following my kids around, declaring, "Habit Number Three . . . !" I think they probably wish I would *take* the habit, or otherwise go away already. :)
Sally |
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Wow Sally - that is just a really awesome list of habits. I printed it out and have read it several times. We also read it aloud at family prayers tonight. I am sure that my kids are going to be thinking the same as yours soon!!
I am so grateful to you for posting the article. So timely and inspiring.
__________________ Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
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MarilynW Forum All-Star
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Posted: May 06 2014 at 9:04pm | IP Logged
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Becky - this is something I think about a lot. I wonder why it is so hard to be serene and float graciously through life. Why do we feel like we are fighting fires all the time? Whilst I do think there is some truth in what "ekbell" said above, that it the busy season of motherhood, kids of different ages, homeschooling, serving etc, I also think that we if we are Christ focused and have good prayer and interior lives, that we would be able to be unrushed and unstressed in the midst of all the busyness. I hate feeling like I am rushing around like a headless chicken all the time, living on the edge of my stomach.
The articles I linked to above explain some of the busyness and inability to prioritize - the lack of simplicity, the constant buying and shopping and accumulating, the constant motions and doing and focus on success and achieving. Even in the homeschool world - we compare ourselves to others, we second-guess if we are not doing all the 1001 activities that everyone else does, we have to buy the latest curriculum, we cannot accept being ordinary but we have to constantly strive to achieve, we think that the latest technology or method will solve give us more time or make us better mothers/teachers..............
So how to prioritize and have calm and peaceful days. Whilst I am certainly not there, here are some of my thoughts about it:
1. I think Sally's article linked really hits the nail on the head. Seek first the Kingdom of God. Develop an interior life. Be a contemplative in a busy world. Teach our children to be the same. If God comes first, other things will fall into place. Read the book the Soul of the Apostolate (yes I know - I keep going on about this!!)
2. Discuss with as a family your priorities and family mission - Quo vadam et ad quid? Where am I going and why? We do this for making decisions about curriculum, activities, jobs, vacations, friends. We refuse to take on activities that stress out our family and individual members - eg. for us, no Sunday sports for this season of our lives(except occasionally), no events that require a lot of travel and separation as a family. Now some things are not within our control - eg work events for my dh, extended family commitments etc.
3. Having routines and schedules. Not as easy when kids are older and have classes/jobs. But we have meal plans and we have chore plans, and everyone knows these so we don't even have to write them down anymore. Everyone has a job and if everyone does it well - there is peace. We try to not have any interruptions in the morning as this is dedicated school time. We need to work better at going to bed and getting up times.
........I have more to say, will be back............
__________________ Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
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Martha Forum All-Star
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Posted: May 06 2014 at 9:19pm | IP Logged
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I stick with the simple and to the point of Padre Pio.
"Duty before all else. Even something holy."
We actually have a very limited list of things that are actually our duty in our vocation. Yes there are many good, even holy, things we can do, but our actual duties? Not really that big a list usually. Oh there's plenty that everyone wants us to do and asks us to do and get their knickers in a twist if we don't do, but none of that makes it our duty, much less our primary duty. And no matter how wonderful or helpful it is, if it isn't what we are being called to do? Then it is keeping us from what we are called to do.
I thing of it as this analogy...
Let's say I tell my kid to do the dishes. (Or whatever. The point is they know what they have been called to do.)
And instead my kid vacuums, or folds some laundry, or plays with the baby, or reads a saint book or helps organize a craft for the younger kids, or...
But they didn't so the dishes. And they knew they were called to do the dishes.
Even though those things are good things, they are not what they are being called to do. And they know they are not obeying.
Now am I going to smite them for those other things? No. Probably not. But are they still going to need to do the dishes or face repercussions later? Probably.
Isn't this true of us as well? Idk what you are called to as a wife and mother bc I don't know what God is calling you to be or do for your family. Maybe you are being called to go to daily mass. Or maybe you aren't. Yes. That's right. Maybe you aren't. Many saints weren't.
This is not a checklist.
It's a calling.
It's not as simple as just doing what everyone says is the "right" list of things "good" moms and wives should do.
You have no duty to "get everything done".
So leave the laundry. It's not your duty to keep up on it. What's that even mean? I *think* I do keep up on the laundry but that just means I always have a constant cycle of laundry going. *shrug*
So do your duty. Whatever that is. Do that FIRST. The rest can wait or not and you'll either get to it or you won't and it will be fine either way.
That's my .02.
__________________ Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
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MarilynW Forum All-Star
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Posted: May 12 2014 at 10:01am | IP Logged
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I just wanted to pop in and really recommend Cindy Rollins blog Ordo Amoris (still having troubles with linking - not on my own computer) - in particular her post Educating the Freeborn.
Cindy homeschooled 10 boys and 1 girl I believe - and her entire blog is just such a treasure trove and inspiration for the "ordinary" mom struggling with time and money and priorities.
__________________ Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
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CrunchyMom Forum Moderator
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Posted: May 12 2014 at 11:10am | IP Logged
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Here is Cindy's post. I had it open in my browser as I was working on plans this weekend and morning.
__________________ Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Becky Parker Forum All-Star
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Posted: May 12 2014 at 5:23pm | IP Logged
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Just hopping on quickly to say thank you to all for your helpful advice. What a blessing. I have read every reply and link and I am so grateful. I'll be back to respond when I have a little more time. I just used up my time for the computer at Cindy's blog!
__________________ Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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Becky Parker Forum All-Star
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Posted: May 15 2014 at 5:55am | IP Logged
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A friend recently recommended a book that was recommended to her by a very good priest. It is Searching For and Maintaining Peace by Fr. Jacques Philippe. I haven't read it yet but a quote from the preface tells me this is the book I need!
"Our day and age is one of agitation and inquietude. ... Our search for God, for saintliness, and our efforts to love and serve our neighbors are frequently fraught with agitation and anxiety instead of being full of confidence and peace....."
I'll let you know what nuggets of wisdom I gain from further reading!
__________________ Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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Becky Parker Forum All-Star
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Posted: May 15 2014 at 6:00am | IP Logged
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Marilyn and Sally, I have enjoyed reading the articles that you linked and have printed them off for my husband. I'm seeing more and more that this is something he and I need to work on together. How is it that after 25 years (almost) we still consider our problems our own? His work problems and my home problems are frequent topics of conversation, and we certainly pray for each other, but more and more I see that our problems are due to the fact that both of us lack the peace and direction we so desire. Maybe we don't lack it, maybe it is just lost in all the chaos we deal with regularly. Maybe we'll find it if we look together!
__________________ Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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Becky Parker Forum All-Star
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Posted: May 15 2014 at 6:08am | IP Logged
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Thanks for the link to Cindy's blog, Lindsay. I enjoyed reading several of her posts. I especially liked her morning time posts and am energized to make our morning time a more vital part of our day. I'm hoping that making that a priority will bring some peace to the education part of our lives. I also like her style. She does seem to be peaceful in how she handles her day and her many children. I spent some time rereading Jen's "Morning Basket" post as well. The beautiful Catholic perspective rounds it out!
I think I'm starting to ramble but I'm hoping that if I can spend more time on our morning basket time, making that a priority, I will feel more at peace with our homeschool day. I will know that even if one child doesn't get his history reading done (again!), we did read from truly good literature as a family that day.
And, as long as I can be peaceful of heart and joyful and caring and loving and all those things, it will be a great way to get our day started. I have to watch that the stress of what is to come each day doesn't cause me to be rushed or agitated though ... prayer, prayer and more prayer about that!
__________________ Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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Becky Parker Forum All-Star
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Posted: May 15 2014 at 6:27am | IP Logged
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mommy4ever wrote:
I am a last minute person. I was when I was in school. Everything the night before. I try to be on top of that with the high schoolers(in school). They share with me when they have essays due, and no matter what I do to get them started earlier, they won't. We use their agenda's and break it down so they use their time more efficiently... it hasn't worked yet. So I wonder if some of us are just programmed that way?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am thinking that what I really need to do, is create a plan of what I need to get done for my sanity, then a list of things I would like to get done. Those are bonus items, and I need to acknowledge that if they don't happen, not a big deal. But the other list needs to take priority, and I need to find a time to get it done.
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Ah, procrastination. This is one of my many downfalls and I see it in my husband and older children as well. We know it's there, we work against it, but it still reigns. My son, now in college has a different take on it though. He embraces it. He believes he works better under the stress of an immediate deadline and doesn't worry about trying to get everything done ahead of time. Hmmm. Something to think about.
Regarding your lists of things to get done for your sanity, this reminds me of Stephen Covey's 7 Habits book. I read it years ago and am thinking about getting it back off the shelf. I always appreciated his analogy of big rocks and little rocks. I feel like I'm buried in my little rocks and there is no room for the big rocks. I'm finding Sally's link to be especially helpful right now as I try to reorder things though. I'm trying to take more time to "Seek first the kingdom of God" and trust that all these other things will be taken care of. Determining the big rocks is a struggle right now. Is it educating my children or cleaning my home? I want to do both but on a really good "school" day my house is a mess and when my house is beautifully cleaned the kid's education has been neglected! Maybe these two big rocks are too big to fit in the same bucket! Or, maybe I need to whittle them down to size and not make them so all-time-consuming.
__________________ Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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Becky Parker Forum All-Star
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Posted: May 15 2014 at 6:29am | IP Logged
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I'm serial posting but there's so much to say! I'll be back later!
__________________ Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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CrunchyMom Forum Moderator
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Posted: May 15 2014 at 7:26am | IP Logged
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Becky Parker wrote:
mommy4ever wrote:
I am a last minute person. I was when I was in school. Everything the night before. I try to be on top of that with the high schoolers(in school). They share with me when they have essays due, and no matter what I do to get them started earlier, they won't. We use their agenda's and break it down so they use their time more efficiently... it hasn't worked yet. So I wonder if some of us are just programmed that way?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am thinking that what I really need to do, is create a plan of what I need to get done for my sanity, then a list of things I would like to get done. Those are bonus items, and I need to acknowledge that if they don't happen, not a big deal. But the other list needs to take priority, and I need to find a time to get it done.
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Ah, procrastination. This is one of my many downfalls and I see it in my husband and older children as well. We know it's there, we work against it, but it still reigns. My son, now in college has a different take on it though. He embraces it. He believes he works better under the stress of an immediate deadline and doesn't worry about trying to get everything done ahead of time. Hmmm. Something to think about.
Regarding your lists of things to get done for your sanity, this reminds me of Stephen Covey's 7 Habits book. I read it years ago and am thinking about getting it back off the shelf. I always appreciated his analogy of big rocks and little rocks. I feel like I'm buried in my little rocks and there is no room for the big rocks. I'm finding Sally's link to be especially helpful right now as I try to reorder things though. I'm trying to take more time to "Seek first the kingdom of God" and trust that all these other things will be taken care of. Determining the big rocks is a struggle right now. Is it educating my children or cleaning my home? I want to do both but on a really good "school" day my house is a mess and when my house is beautifully cleaned the kid's education has been neglected! Maybe these two big rocks are too big to fit in the same bucket! Or, maybe I need to whittle them down to size and not make them so all-time-consuming.
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I struggle with this, too, and like your son, for much of my life, I did not suffer from it. I STILL work better this way, but I don't think it translates well to family life as a mother because of what you describe--if good meals are made regularly and the house looks decent, we didn't do a lick of school...and so forth.
Plus, whereas I used to be able to keep my momentum going as I buried myself in a project, as a mother, there are hungry children and sleepy babies that one has to stop for! I wish I were better disciplined to attend to tasks regularly and in advance.
After failing at many attempts to organize housekeeping, I would LOVE to have a big household cleaning on Saturdays, but children do not stay focused on tasks for so long, and husbands like to spend the day doing yardwork and the littles with him. So it would be ME inside, by myself, cleaning the whole house on Saturday, which wouldn't make anyone happy.
I, too, have been endeavoring to make Morning Time a bigger priority. It is a challenge, but Cindy has convinced me that it should be a priority.
__________________ Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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MarilynW Forum All-Star
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Posted: May 15 2014 at 7:39am | IP Logged
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Becky Parker wrote:
A friend recently recommended a book that was recommended to her by a very good priest. It is Searching For and Maintaining Peace by Fr. Jacques Philippe. I haven't read it yet but a quote from the preface tells me this is the book I need!
"Our day and age is one of agitation and inquietude. ... Our search for God, for saintliness, and our efforts to love and serve our neighbors are frequently fraught with agitation and anxiety instead of being full of confidence and peace....."
I'll let you know what nuggets of wisdom I gain from further reading! |
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Becky - this is one of my VERY FAVORITE BOOKS!!! I have bought many many copies as gifts for friends and family. The book is always on my nightstand - and it has been a source of great wisdom and inspiration for me.
One of my favorite quotes is the Saint Francis de Sales one on Page 92 starting Remain at Peace my daughter.........
__________________ Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
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MarilynW Forum All-Star
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Posted: May 15 2014 at 7:42am | IP Logged
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Making Morning Time a priority here too. This year it did not happen and we felt the loss.
I am still figuring out how to involve my 10th graders in Morning Time. It is easy for all my younger kids to be included. I am working on plans - thinking of having them for the beginning of Morning Time - and trying to tie in some readings/recitation/discussion with their program of study. eg they are doing the Shakespeare Roman plays - so maybe we will do those too in MT.
__________________ Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
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