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Becky J
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| Posted: Feb 04 2011 at 1:18pm | IP Logged
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Hi -- I would like to get some advice from other moms about how you balance your different tasks as a homemaker, especially spending time with your children vs. keeping your house in order.
I have 3 children. The oldest is in Catholic school and the younger two (ages 4 1/2 years and 17 mos.) are home with me.
Our house is always disorganized, cluttered, and grubby. I try to stay on top of the basics, like laundry, dishes, and vaccuuming. I mostly manage to do that, often with my husband's help. As far as the other things go . . . I could spend all my time working on them. Cleaning, decluttering, organizing -- all perpetual tasks. But I know I should be giving my children more focused attention.
Does anyone else struggle with feeling like they are surrounded by chaos and mess, and long to be able to tackle all of it, but feel like they have to neglect their children to do so? Or if you've had this problem in the past and have made peace with the situation, how have you done so?
I don't want to be an empty-nester someday wishing I'd spent more time with my kids rather than have tried so hard to keep a clean house. But right now I feel so discouraged living in the midst of mess and feeling like I can't stay on top of it. And I'm worried if I neglected it in favor of say, sitting down and playing with my 4 1/2 year old, everything would completely fall apart.
Any tips would be much appreciated!
Becky
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EmilyC
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| Posted: Feb 04 2011 at 1:47pm | IP Logged
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Unfortunately, I have nothing to add because I have the same problem. I will be watching this thread with interest.
__________________
Emily,
Wife to Rob since 8/98
Mom to 4:
Sarah (13) Robbie & Riley (10) Regina (nearly 3)
My secular lit-based curriculum:
Build Your Library curriculum
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stellamaris
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| Posted: Feb 04 2011 at 1:57pm | IP Logged
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Becky, I have really struggled with this over the years. Sometimes I have the energy to keep all of the balls in the air, sometimes I do not. My tendency is to beat myself up if things start to disintegrate...but I am learning to not make it such an emotionally charged issue. I say I am learning, because I haven't quite learned it yet!
One thing I did was keep track of my time for two days on a chart that was divided into 5 min slots...very illuminating! My day was PACKED...I was so busy there were not even two 5 minute slots in which I had time for a moment for myself...it was very revealing, because I thought I was behind because I was lazy...turns out I am trying to cram too many things into the day.
There are two big dangers to this "packed" lifestyle: 1) it is a formula for burnout, and 2) there is absolutely no margin, so any event that occurs outside of the basic daily program completely blows me out of the water.
I have finally come to realize that I HAVE to have some help with all of these tasks. I am working now on listing all of the "jobs" I do, deciding which are important for ME to do (which ones can't I delegate?), and then getting some help (any help at all!) with those jobs that can be delegated. So I hired a housecleaner to come in twice a month...it feels very silly, because our house is very small, but I keep telling myself if I am cleaning all the time, I don't have the time to plan learning activites for my special needs son, or reading extra stories, or go to my daughter's play, or even just taking a few minutes to have tea with my husband without feeling stressed and having that cleaning job in the back of my mind and hanging over me like a dark cloud.
I have finally realized that ONE woman can not do everything.
Maybe you can mobilize your family or perhaps find some money in the "school" budget to hire some teenager to do laundry, clean, or prep food for you.
I know this is probably not the advice you were looking for, but there is a limit on what we can realistically do. Some ladies can accept a messy house with grace, but it drives me nuts and I end up feeling like a guilty (because I'm always neglecting something) failure (because it never is quite clean). Not worth it.
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to  dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Feb 04 2011 at 2:46pm | IP Logged
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PROPORTIONAL is my battle cry.
My time spent...
** MAKING HOME --> menus, household chores, laundry, cleaning....
** DRIVING/ERRANDS --> children's activities, special events outside the home, appointments...
** HOMESCHOOLING --> planning, executing, brainstorming....
....must be proportionally spent. And, since I am only one person, that means that some of these chores must be delegated to other team members (family members or other service providers).
In addition to the above three categories which comprise the majority of my daily duties, there must be time for....
** LEISURE. I don't mean slacking, being lazy, unproductive or lolly-gagging about. I mean:
:: quiet
:: prayer time
:: reading time - alone or with a child.
:: special time, carved out of the day/evening for time spent with my husband to confide my concerns, needs, fears, hopes, anxieties
:: movies
:: playtime
:: walks
Sometimes the above is done with children. Sometimes, I need quiet alone time to re-fresh and re-energize.
*************************************
Finding the balance with life and life's duties -- treating things proportionally -- requires a little thought to the day. Consider that in a domestic church/monastery, we can learn some ideas/pointers from a monastery.
** There is a leader that sets the rules
** Everyone is a part of the team/everyone has a job to do
** There is time for prayer/worship -- work -- rest/play
************************************
It helped me to know that dad is the leader in our home, and as the heart of the home, I am his helper. I am not the live-in maid. The children are a part of this team, and they contribute to the smooth running of this domestic monastery. We have time set aside for praying, for working, and for resting and playing. It helps to define what each team member's work is!! Suzanne gives great pointers to help break down the idea of "WORK" on this thread. Some of the advice is written specifically for the topic of that thread, but so much of it is universally helpful, I'm quoting all of Suzanne's post for you:
SuzanneG wrote:
No, you're not crazy. And, it's a do-able option and one to consider, of course!!!
BUT, it's a temporary fix. Only a band-aid.
A big part of having multiple children and lotsa young ones, and homeschooling is how to manage our crazy lives called chaos, and put it into some form of "organized chaos."
For me, personally, it's easier to "ease into things" rather than be SLAMMED all at once. Managing with 2 children while pregnant will actually HELP you manage when you have the newborn. And, managing a house and 3 kids will help you if you get pregnant again and are in the 1st trimester, etc.....it all is part of the "learning to cope/manage/deal" in a bit by bit pattern. Rather than BANG----all at once.
Full time day care is so "much." I'm willing to bet that you can come up with lots of other options that wouldn't make you quake in your boots when that full time day care ended! 
I am a BIG TIME USER of Mommy's Helpers!!!!!!! Especially in the summer!!! The school-kids are all home and this age A girl anywhere from 11-13 would be WONDERFUL for a few hours here and there. They don't expect as much money as a babysitter and they LOVE spending time and doing things with the kids!
Do you know any pre-teens that live close enough to you to do this? It's a good time to get your thoughts stratight and get a few things done. My 9 yo is currently being a Mother's Helper for a 4 yo!!! The mom gets 2 hours of (mostly) uninterrupted time when my dd is there. My dd LOVES it and she's making a bit of money, and it's very affordable for the mom.
I am currently "digging out" from being sick the 1st trimester of pregnancy...and my Mommy's Helpers are a huge part of me being able to do this without over-burdening my husband or having to wait until my mom visits. But, if I didn't have them.....well...life would move on and I'd go to plan B,C, and D.
***************************
One thing that helps me is BEING READY for opportunities for working when they present themselves. Some people make lists of things to do by room, by date, by type of project. I make my lists divided by my SITUATION:
I DIVIDE and CONQUER and make my lists like this:
1. Things I can do ONLY when I'm by myself---Mommy's Helper is over, my neighbor has the kids, kids sleeping, or they are w/my husband OUT OF THE HOUSE.
2. Things I can do during quiet-time or when children are happily occupied without me.
3. Things I can do when my kids are around and I'm supervising and need to be "present"
4. Things that I can do WITH the kids.
5. Things I can do only with another adult's help. (ie: my husband needs to help move things around for me, etc.)
Then, I keep my master list easily accessible. When the above opportunities present themselves or I make them happen  , I am READY TO ROLL! Part of the overwhelmed feeling is not having a plan and not knowing what to do next, even when you get 30 minutes of quiet.
:: Do you have a specific list of the things you need to do? If not, get a notebook, walk around your house, go from room to room and write down EVERYTHING you want/need to do.
:: Now, go through and create your "time-categories"....like I listed above. Yours may be different than mine, but you're thinking about the actual task and what is the minimum-requirement-situation that it can be accomplished.
:: Separate all those tasks into those "time zones"
:: Go back and highlight the ones that are IMPERATIVE that they get completed before the baby comes.
:: Pow-wow with your kids and show them the list. Tell them that your whole family is "getting ready for the baby" and you need their help! 3.5 and 6 years old??? They are ready for some RALLYING and a FAMILY MEETING! Bring them into the plan! Get them excited about how they can help! Reward them for helping you! Especially your 6 yo can occupy the 3.5 yo and maybe even get paid for it. Brainstorm how to use the 6 year old and get her involved. It's such a great age for involvememtn and starting to give them responsibility!
*****************************
Get creative with how you GET your uninterruped TIME:
1. Get dinner ready, and have your dh feed them, read, etc. That's an HOUR!
2. Do you have neighbors or friends that leave for the weekend? Would they let you come over and do some "planning" and paperwork, computer work, at their house? I do this all. the. time! My neighbors consider it their "community service." And, they LOVE to help me out in this way! it's so easy for them and is such a HUGE help to me.
3. Quiet time in the afternoon. If you aren't already doing this....it's a great time to start implementing it. This would be 1.5 hours/ day that you'd have for working.
4. Rally your husband to work with you in the evening. I tell my husband that NO MATTER WHAT....he has to MAKE ME do X before I go to bed. And, of course, if I"m totally exhausted, which I normally am....he will help!
5. Make portable baskets of work....when I'm in dig-out-mode, everything goes into several laundry baskets and when the kids are playing and I need to supervise, I can move the basket around to wherever they are and get to work.
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Hope there's a start here for you, Becky!
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19, ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Feb 04 2011 at 3:10pm | IP Logged
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Becky J wrote:
| Hi -- I would like to get some advice from other moms about how you balance your different tasks as a homemaker, especially spending time with your children vs. keeping your house in order. |
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And...since your children are still so young, I wanted to encourage you even more. Your 4 1/2 yo can help some during the day, but keep your expectations reasonable. Order is good and a real assistant to the busy mom, but don't allow the focus on order/house cleaning to step outside the limits of your priorities.
While all the children are little, there are just going to be messes. And that's ok.
Little people CAN help clean up their own messes. Training them to do so is an investment of time that is worthwhile.
They need a lot LESS stuff than you might think. A lot less.
If you're drowning in stuff, just sweep some up and into big rubbermaid bins and stick them in the garage for a while. A house less cluttered with stuff is 1) easier to maintain, 2) less overwhelming, and 3) I bet you'll find that the few things that remain are really enjoyed.
With my home, and in the season of life I am in right now, I recognize that I can be content with:
** simple, clean(up-able) decor
** less material things out to keep up with (for kids and me)
** order for simple, functional spaces that work FOR ME, rather than me always working to keep them clean.
MY GOAL and the reasonable home I strive for is ONE THAT CAN BE TIDIED (read: stuff off floors, books put away, toys put away, spaces not smelly, tables clear....welcoming) IN 15 MINUTES with every child working to help me. We call it the quick tidy and everyone works together to complete it. I set the timer, and EVERYONE grabs things that are out of place, messy, stinky, lost, wandering...and puts it in a laundry basket in the middle of the floor. We only do this in LIVING SPACES --> kitchen, schoolroom, living room, hall/stairs. We do not quick tidy bedrooms (there is a specific day of the week set aside to clean bedrooms.) Some children are left to fold and put away items in those living spaces while the others take the basket and return items to the rooms in which they belong. We quick tidy EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Without fail. This is maintenance cleaning, and it keeps a mom from losing her mind. Keeping this "quick tidy" to only 15 minutes keeps the kids from losing their mind. Being able to see his favorite chair (not buried under legos, dolly clothes, and science experiments) and newspaper when he comes home keeps dad from losing his mind. It's a win-win.
*** SO, that's the cleaning part ***
Becky J wrote:
| especially spending time with your children vs. keeping your house in order. |
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If you can get your home to a maintenance level (and admittedly, that may take an investment of time first), then definitely do CLAIM some time during the day....several times a day to spend special, quiet time with the children...walking together outside, reading together, playing a game, etc.
I shoot for:
** 30 minutes with my littles after morning chores and before lunch.
** 30 minutes after lunch with reading time a priority.
** 30 minutes after quiet time - game, special walk, helping me in the kitchen.
** 30 min - 1 hr with dad in the evenings.
Now, these times aren't set, and I don't post somewhere that at such-and-such a time I am going to play with my 3yo...I just know that between morning chores and lunch, I will do something focused with my littles. I was just trying to give you an idea with some concrete numbers (that were just a guess).
Ok....done serial posting now. 
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19, ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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JodieLyn
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Remember to count time working with your children as spending time with them
Even though they're little.. you can hand out baby wipes and they can wipe smudges on walls while you clean the room.. or soft clothes they can "dust" with.
A sink of soapy water and a few scoops and such can be great fun while you're working in the kitchen.. especially if you plan to finish up with a quick mop (but clean water is easy to wipe up regardless)
I think it's important to remember that you can *spend time* with your children without it needing to all be *fun extra* time. Through out history most of the time parents spend with children is when they're working together, not only for playing.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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stellamaris
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Mackfam wrote:
They need a lot LESS stuff than you might think. A lot less. If you're drowning in stuff, just sweep some up and into big rubbermaid bins and stick them in the garage for a while. A house less cluttered with stuff is 1) easier to maintain, 2) less overwhelming, and 3) I bet you'll find that the few things that remain are really enjoyed....
MY GOAL and the reasonable home I strive for is ONE THAT CAN BE TIDIED (read: stuff off floors, books put away, toys put away, spaces not smelly, tables clear....welcoming) IN 15 MINUTES with every child working to help me. |
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This is such a good point! I always tell new homeschooling moms that the first thing they should do to prepare for homeschooling is to get RID of stuff!
I remember reading in Maria Von Trapp's pamphlet "The Land Without Sunday" that they would clean out all of their drawers and closets every Saturday afternoon. This was such an eye-opener for me...there was NO WAY I could have done that in one short hour...way too much stuff.  So it has became a goal to reduce the actual number of things in my house...I'm less cluttered now, but still have a long way to go before the children and I can do all the  drawers and closets in one afternoon.
It really gives me pause when I think of how much stuff we have accumulated and how most of it is just an emotional and physical drain. I reflect on the home at Nazareth and am trying to discern more carefully what is really necessary for the rearing of children...It is very difficult in today's culture to counteract the many temptations and invitations to buy...buy...buy more..more..more...
Part of balance must be to determine what is NECESSARY to our happiness, and to get rid of the extraneous objects and activities that make no positive contribution to our happiness.
Having said that...there's still cleaning and laundry which can not be avoided.
__________________
In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
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mamaslearning
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| Posted: Feb 05 2011 at 9:36am | IP Logged
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stellamaris wrote:
Mackfam wrote:
They need a lot LESS stuff than you might think. A lot less. If you're drowning in stuff, just sweep some up and into big rubbermaid bins and stick them in the garage for a while. A house less cluttered with stuff is 1) easier to maintain, 2) less overwhelming, and 3) I bet you'll find that the few things that remain are really enjoyed....
MY GOAL and the reasonable home I strive for is ONE THAT CAN BE TIDIED (read: stuff off floors, books put away, toys put away, spaces not smelly, tables clear....welcoming) IN 15 MINUTES with every child working to help me. |
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This is such a good point! I always tell new homeschooling moms that the first thing they should do to prepare for homeschooling is to get RID of stuff!
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Yes! I totally agree. The more I declutter, the easier everything else becomes and I can find time to do some real cleaning. I'm just in the beginning stages of getting control of my house, but we all do it as a family. I've managed to keep my bathroom sink clean for three weeks! That's a huge accomplishment since our double bowl vanity seemed to collect random things. I cleaned it off, put a basket on there for things I use everyday, and wipe it down EVERYTIME I brush my teeth. It's so nice to have a clean sink! Now I can move my efforts to something else since this is now a habit. I also established a morning routine that gets us up, dressed, breakfast eaten, bedrooms picked up, kitchen tidied, and ready for school by 9 am. It's almost a habit after a few weeks, but I'm going to work on it a little longer before I move on to the rest of our day. Baby steps is the way that helps me stay focused and not overwhelmed. I hope to have things under control, decluttered, and a regular cleaning routine by the end of the year. Oh, and reading has helped me alot - A Mother's Rule of Life, Flylady, and many other organizing and cleaning books/blogs/websites. With such vaired ideas, I can pull out what works for me.
The one thing that has been the biggest help is my prayerlife. I made it a priority to have quiet prayertime each morning. I pray, read scripture, or read devotions specific to the season. This is by far the biggest life changer I can recommend.
(Sorry for typos, I'm NAK)
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Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
St. Francis de Sales Homeschool
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cathhomeschool
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| Posted: Feb 08 2011 at 11:33pm | IP Logged
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Lots of great advice here!
If you cannot be at peace with the clutter and chaos, then I would second the advice to declutter -- Flylady style -- 15 minutes a day with a timer so you don't get carried away, one drawer, one cabinet at a time. 15 minutes does not take much time away from your kids. (Maybe you can do it after they go to bed or during the baby's nap time.) Over time it will add up. And decluttering will make using everyone else's advice easier.
And be gentle on yourself. 
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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mamaslearning
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cathhomeschool wrote:
And be gentle on yourself. |
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Yes, do be gentle. I had to finally accept where I am in my life - I have 4 children under 7 years old, my children are with me all day, I am nursing a baby, I'm still changing diapers, etc. I cannot compare myself to the neighbor/friend that has one child in sixth grade and has a spotless house, bakes cookies, and has time for personal pursuits (although that sounds wonderful at times). So, I am learning to be content with my season of life, do what I can to create some sanity around here, and let all the other thoughts/feelings/things take care of themselves.
I'm confident that you'll find a groove that's just right for your family! 
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Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
St. Francis de Sales Homeschool
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4Real Forums : Our Lady's Loom, Larder, and Laundry
Topic: Finding balance
