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brabec7
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I wonder with all the discussion about college, do you as parents have expectations that are explicit. For instance, calling once a week, not leaving campus without telling us where you are going, attending Mass, getting good grades.....
If you do how does it work for your family? Will you have fines if the rules are broken? Would you withdrawal your financial support?
We started with clear expectations since we are paying for room and board. We even had strings attached to our room and board. We would support her to go anywhere she wanted. We just would not pay for an environment that we thought did not deserve our financial
support....nonNewman school. I find in our area we were the exception. I find it interesting that our friends freely pay for whatever.
I wonder if other parents have expectations.
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SallyT
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Well, for us, I think grades are the main thing. If grades slip below a certain point, daughter loses her tuition exchange/scholarship arrangement, and it's over. She is paying her own room and board and monthly allowance out of a college fund her grandmother set up years ago plus her earnings from summer jobs, so we did do things like draw up a budget and discuss fiscal responsibility. If she runs out, she runs out, and then, again, it's over, unless she can figure out how to pay herself what's not covered by tuition exchange.
I do not expect her to tell us where she's going if she leaves campus -- generally it's to go to Wal-Mart anyway, and she has to rely on friends who have cars. I have found, even in the last years of high school, that with this child, at least, the more I treated her like a responsible adult, the more she acted like one, so that's pretty much my long-distance operating procedure now.
Of course, if she's going, say, to someone's parents' house for the weekend, or away on any kind of overnight trip (retreat, mission trip, etc), we expect her to let us know. As her contact number is her cell phone, however, and she carries it with her all the time, we can reach her pretty much anywhere she goes.
So far she's been calling us at least briefly about every other day; I send her little love-note emails and Facebook messages and skype-chat with her when we're both online. Mostly I just want her to know we're thinking of her, her younger siblings miss her, people at church have asked about her and send love, etc.
Re Mass attendance -- well, our expectation for everyone is that everyone goes to Sunday Mass. My current college student has been a habitual and very conscientious daily Mass attender, though I'm not sure how that's working with her current class schedule and daily campus Masses. I'll have to ask her. Meanwhile, we deal with Mass attendance as I described in the other thread.
Even if we were paying, I think I would consider learning to be an adult in all areas of her life to be part of her education, and just as one might expect the occasional bad grade (especially at a college with no grade inflation) as part of struggling to master difficult material, one might also expect the occasional lapse as part of a larger learning process. I am willing to support this level of life learning, as long as the person in question isn't just regarding it all as her personal playground, ie refusing to grow up and expecting me to pay for that refusal. I don't *anticipate* this as a problem with this particular child, but of course one never knows. This is where I start invoking St. Monica a lot.
UDallas, where my daughter is, sent us a lot of orientation materials even before we got there, including a sheet of advice about "Your Changing Relationship With Your College Student." What they had to say struck me as wise, and probably a lot of what I'm saying is my processing of what was on that sheet.
I remember my own early college years as a time of huge stress in my relationship with my mother, and now I can see why that was: it just is hard to figure out this weird in-between time when your child is still to some extent a dependent child (ie, still at least partly financially dependent), but is also on the fast-track to full adulthood. I want very much to respect my daughter's desire to be treated as an adult, as long as she gives me no serious reason not to respect that desire. In a way this just seems like an extension of our homeschooling: ultimately about the relationship.
So, that's kind of our non-policy, I guess! And gee, can you tell it's Labor Day, and we're off school? So much time to ruminate over these things!
Sally
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Barb.b
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Good topic! As far as grades, ds has a scholarship that he needs to keep a 3.0 GPA. May be difficult being that he is pre-engineering at Purdue. . . we will see. Anyway that will keep him working hard at the books! As far as communicating I said the minimum I expect is Sunday afternoon/evening phone call. But was quick to add - more is great. We seem to email most days - kind of like an ongoing email conversation. This child is very proud that he has found a group of friends who also don't drink - so I think, so far, that party scene is not a threat.
A lot of the questions the op had are so individual to each child! My parents have set up a college fund and also are generous come kids birthdays and christmas. That plus any earned money is in ds checking account. He understands he needs to make it last. But also, there are things like a winter coat (we are from Texas, he is going to Purdue) and also school related items (software he needed. . . ) where I have no problem reimbursing him for. I do expect if he is going away from campus overnight he will tell us; but not for things like the mall or walmart or out to eat with friends. I am trying to assume he is going to Mass and will ask him what Mass he is going to (not HAVE you gone) to keep expectations in his mind without confronting. . .
I try to keep communications open in a way that he feels free to tell me anything he needs concerning grades or anything. If I "freak out" or lecture- he won't tell me. That way he will tell me about grades or whatever - and we can have a discussion. As was stated, there is a learning curve and process here - I want him to tell me about good and bad grades and we can talk about his ideas to help them.
Barb
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brabec7
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Great thoughts on this wonderful time in parenting.
I wanted to clarify, we require to know when she leaves campus because if something happened to her. Not that we do not trust her but rather do not trust others. Now running to walmart is not an issue. But going salsa dancing in Naples with a group of friends, going on a road trip to Disney World, or even to a late night movie are the types of situations that reqire a phone call. We find that despite going to high school, working numerous jobs in the real world she is very unaware of the possibilities. She is very trusting.
However this summer when she came home from college, we expected to know where she was going and when she thought she
would be home. This was out of common respect and not so much a safety thing.
We do expect that out of respect she conducts herself in a manner that is expected. She is such a great kid and at Ave Maria it appeared that the possibility of any issues would be small. But still felt it would be unfair not to have a very direct and adult conversation of what behavior we would not support. Even if unexpected we did have to follow through with some of our consequences for leaving campus on a road trip with a group of students.
The neat thing of Ave is that not attending Mass is frowned on by the student body. It is a built in cultural expectation! The kids police one another. Some other cultural aspects is the entire cafeteria praying at 12:00. Rosary walk at 9 pm where everyone on the dorm floor goes.
So expectations of Mass and such are not needed because her friends take care of it. We do expect she will attend her classes and that she will attend Mass if we are putting our dollars into her going to college. We would support her with love, guidance, and prayers if she wanted to financially be independent of us.
Oh I have a mess to tend to. Thanks for your thoughts! I do love this time in my daughters life! The freedom, experiences, and possibilities are so wonderful. I also love to know what others do! Blessings, Lisa
My daughter too is on a full academic scholarship. So yes there is a built in consequence to getting good grades.
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lapazfarm
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Hmmm. I guess I am a bit in the minority here, but I see my college age offspring as adults. I do not have any expectations or requirements at all of them. They make their own choices and live their own lives, and I am glad to be a part of it as much or as little as they choose. Thankfully they all 3 still want me to be a large part of their lives!
Helping to pay for college is a gift I give my adult children and there are no strings attached to that gift. This is especially true since the majority of the cost was either earned by the children through scholarships or is being paid by them through student loans and summer work. What little help I can offer is minor, compared to what they are paying. But even if I were footing the entire bill, I would still see it as a gift freely given, from one loving adult to another.
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SallyT
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Here's one thing I love about having a college student -- she just emailed to ask if I'd mind reading her roommate's English paper over the weekend, because she gets the prompt on Friday, and it's due Monday, so she won't have time to have a campus tutor read her draft. Maybe I'm weird, but being so far away (NC while daughter is in TX), I love whatever chance I get to make relationships with the daughter's friends, and reading English papers is what I can do for them.
I guess when I think of what I expect from my college-age child, I'm not really thinking so much in terms of rules and consequences. I expect communication, especially about things like going away for a weekend, because as a family we just do share things like that, out of consideration for each other and because we have to gab about something. I still tell my mom when we're going somewhere (we're in NC, she's in TN), just because she likes to know what we're doing and where to find us should there be some emergency in the family. So I do just assume that the daughter will share this kind of thing with me, but it's not a rule. If she went to her roommate's house, or out for an evening in Dallas, as will be likely, it's okay with me if I don't hear about it till after, as news. Next year she'll be in Rome and wandering around Europe on UDallas's sophomore-year program, so I figure I had better be used to not knowing just exactly where she is all the time . . . and she had better be ready to handle herself in the big world. As long as we have a contact number and a general outline, so that we could reach someone who could reach her in the event of an emergency, we're good, I think.
I agree that this is an exciting time -- people here keep asking me sympathetically how I'm doing with her gone, and my honest answer is that while of course I miss having her around, I'm really vicariously enjoying her time of discovery and growth and independence, and enjoying this first taste of an adult relationship with my child.
Meanwhile, my next child wants to go to West Point, which if he does will be a new and different experience altogether, as the U.S. government will essentially own him. I don't know what God has in store for this kid, and it will be a few years yet before we know what his college experience will look like, but I'm already thinking about a whole other level of stepping back and letting go . . . I'm glad to have this first child to break me in easily!
Sally
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mamasue
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Well I'm a little far from sending my kids to college, but I had a very overprotective mom and dad. When I was in college they would call once a day and freak out if I didn't answer. They didn't let me leave campus. They made me come home once a month. They expected me to be in by midnight every night. Their constant distrust really damaged our relationship. Needless to say, I only stayed in college for two years and then went and got married ; )
Please treat your college kids as if they are adults. They'll struggle to become an adult if you don't help them by giving them freedom. Trust me, if they are going to go out and do stupid things they will do it no matter how many times you check up on them.
I won't be like my sister in law who won't allow her 24 year old to ride on the metro by herself. When I was 24 I was pregnant with my third child! There's no way my mom would have any say in what I did.
So, when my kids are in college I will require only this- that they try their hardest in classes and they act like adults. I will hope that they communicate with us often, but I will definitely not set a certain number of times they have to call per week.
Suzette
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Angie Mc
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Our main expectation is that she should behave as a responsible young adult and we should treat her with adult dignity. We keep it simple. Have a passing GPA (actually expectations of the school.) No illegal activities (actually civic expectations.) Follow the precepts of the Church (actually the Church's expectations.) We place no extra burdens on her.
General thoughts:
College is a privilege. It isn't for everyone. Any of our children who want to go need to make a good case for themselves. If the child is immature and unready, they don't go. They can always try again after maturing, showing responsibility, or becoming focused and clear about how a college degree fits with their future. In this way, they are assumed trustworthy when they go.
Thoughts on mistakes:
Just because our child may be trustworthy, that doesn't mean they are perfect or won't make mistakes. Dh and I see these years as a good time to try different things, make mistakes, and learn from them. Dd did very poorly her first semester  . We sorted through the mistakes (common for newbies) and she needed to decide if going back was worth it for her. She decided to face her demons and it took another semester and a summer to get back on track, complete with keeping her scholarship which we thought was long gone! Many valuable lessons learned.
Thoughts on money:
It is our hope as her parents to help her to earn a debt-free college degree. Our whole family works old-school style and we all keep chipping in to help this dream come true. She has held down PT jobs for pay but has also had to go without income because she was taking difficult classes and doing unpaid internships. Dd and my dh take care of money concerns, mainly through her use of a debit card that she uses. We don't nitpick. We agree to disagree about the necessity of donuts  .
Thoughts on other expectations:
Dh and I don't feel entitled to anything from our dd, who is legally an adult, although we highly encourage common courtesy  . I definitely WANT her to stay connected (and she knows that!) but I want her to choose freely to call, visit, share...or not. I want her to go to daily mass, but I want her to choose it freely. Etc. I want her to figure out how to fit all this together now to help her to become strong, confident, and responsible. This is HARD! So when she does call, visit, attend daily mass, etc., I THANK her and encourage her as she matures and makes good choices.
Love,
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stacykay
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lapazfarm wrote:
Hmmm. I guess I am a bit in the minority here, but I see my college age offspring as adults. I do not have any expectations or requirements at all of them. They make their own choices and live their own lives, and I am glad to be a part of it as much or as little as they choose. Thankfully they all 3 still want me to be a large part of their lives!
Helping to pay for college is a gift I give my adult children and there are no strings attached to that gift. This is especially true since the majority of the cost was either earned by the children through scholarships or is being paid by them through student loans and summer work. What little help I can offer is minor, compared to what they are paying. But even if I were footing the entire bill, I would still see it as a gift freely given, from one loving adult to another. |
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This is pretty much what we have done with our oldest two. And it is what my parents did for me and dh's parents did for him. Also, back when dh and I were in school, we had no cell phones, so our parents really had no idea where we were or what we were doing-especially with the cost of making long distance calls back then! 
It was a time for us to grow up, become responsible, learn to make good choices (and if we made bad ones, we learned that they had consequences.) Basically, we learned how to behave/act as responsible adults.
It is so hard to let go of those dear children!  But I know my boys appreciate the trust we have in them, and we remain very close.
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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brabec7
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Thanks, for the insight. Angie you said what i am thinking and doing.
You are all very blessed to have the children that you do.
I think perhaps my experiences as a mom with my oldest are rather rare. I also am impressed with the experiences you all had in college. They are so different from mine and I was not the party girl. But the girl that took care of everyone else. So for me I guess my knowledge of how it can be makes me want to cultivate a sense of possibility without her having to experience those lessons. She is rather naive. I am not worried about her on campus. The student body is made up of good kids. Yes, they all for the most part party and live it up but there is still a morality when it comes to how the boys treat the girls. That is not the case off campus. I feel very fortunate that we do have cell phones and we can communicate so freely. It makes me wonder if
some of the things that my floor mates experienced during college would of been prevented if they could of called someone or knew someone would be "on" them if they left campus. Or even that their mom knowing they went salsa dancing off campus after 9 pm would be calling the next morning to make sure she made it home safely.
I think in a not so elegant way, I want to say I love my daughter. My supporting her through school is not a gift but an option. There are
many options that she can and did consider as an adult. As with everything in life, nothing comes free and so my finacial support like
her scholarship and loans come with "strings".
Great thoughts!
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stacykay
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brabec7 wrote:
| ...I think in a not so elegant way, I want to say I love my daughter. ... |
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Oh, I wouldn't say that, Lisa! And your love for your daughter and concern for her safety and future is very obvious! And as every mom knows, you know your children better than anyone else. It's great to be able to seek ideas and opinions from the wise women here (and don't think I am including myself!  ,) taking what works in your situation and leaving the rest.
I've thought a lot about this since you posted this question, just in regards to my own parents. I always thought of my upbringing as idyllic, but as a result, I think I was naive in way too many ways. So just how were my parents willing to let me drive to FL, from MI, for my sr. trip (yes, we were staying at my friend's grandmother's house for our vacation,)but still we had to drive there and back. And then they retired to FL after I got into college, so again, I was way up here and they weren't! And, most unfortunately, I can't ask them.
So, as I said, I was thinking about this, and I came up with two things...
My parents had me when they were in their 40's, so I think they wanted me to get used to being on my own and handling problems without them always being there. Sort of not sure how long they would be here, on their part.
And, just from their own life experience...when my parents were 18, my mom, who was raised in a little town in MO, was working in a troop camp and my dad was on the other side of the world, in the Philippines.
I think that's why they made the choices they did in raising me. And I thank you, Lisa, because if you hadn't raised this question, I doubt I would have really thought about it from my parents' perspective. Makes me feel like I know them more  , even though they are no longer here.
Have a wonderful weekend!
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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Barb.b
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Interesting thought to expectations for good grades - as parents we actually can't legally see what our children's grades are unless the kids put us down as being able to. . . that said ds tells me about every grade he gets - kind of nice that he will even call right after a test to say what he thought he got then tells me what it is once he gets it. . .
Barb
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Angie Mc
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Barb.b wrote:
Interesting thought to expectations for good grades - as parents we actually can't legally see what our children's grades are unless the kids put us down as being able to. . . that said ds tells me about every grade he gets - kind of nice that he will even call right after a test to say what he thought he got then tells me what it is once he gets it. . .
Barb |
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True! We do have our dd sign the waiver to give us access to grades, etc. The best is when they choose to share this information themselves  .
Love,
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Angie Mc
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4Real Forums : High School Years and Beyond
Topic: Expectations at college
