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KackyK
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| Posted: May 03 2011 at 3:41pm | IP Logged
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I have a teen kiddo who does well in school. However, this child has to be prodded and prodded. There are a few things that are done without reminder and done well to boot, but most things need to be reminded and reminded and it still may not get done. The reason is said "I forgot."
However, this child also has expressed verbally that there is more they would like to do, start some hobbies, learn to "not forget" when things are due to be turned in, however, this child says they absolutely feel no motivation to do start learning. Bribing doesn't work, ie saying if you don't get this done by such and such time, then you can't go out. That doesn't motivate. This child feels bad about this, but feels powerless at being able to stop feeling this way.
Got any ideas?
I have never looked at the book Laying Down the Rails. Has anyone seen this? Could I get anything from that? Or could this child if I let them read it.
A "just do it" comment doesn't work for them. That's always my mantra for myself since there are so many things I do that I'd rather not. So I've come to a "I have no answer" position right now. But I so want to work with them on this!
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KackyK
Mom to 8 - 3 dd, 5ds & 4 babes in heaven
Beginning With the Assumption
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Erin
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| Posted: May 03 2011 at 7:37pm | IP Logged
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Kacky
I have a couple of teens like that, and they are my boys. Maturity helps a lot.
I've tried 'motivation' but for one teen in particular(nearly 16 now), it still doesn't help, (like yours) he intends on doing his best (at times) but just gets overwhelmed and gives up. Maturity is the only thing that has really helped.
My younger teen (14) is totally unmotivated at present, but I now realise this is a boy teen thing at this age, so it will pass (deep breath), last year he gave me 'permission' to really push him even when he doesn't want to.
So I'm trying a balance of keeping them accountable and trying to instil independence. Still a work in progress. Short periods in between me checking seem to work best, and getting Dad more involved in accountability has worked wonders. Big improvement from that.
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Erin
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guitarnan
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| Posted: May 03 2011 at 8:51pm | IP Logged
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This motivation thing...definitely an issue with teen boys...my super-driven Type A husband says he was just the same for much of high school. It's so hard to believe that, but it is true.
My dd (13) self-motivates in fits and starts. I think she'll find her way as she matures, but it will take a while. She has to see a future payoff...and she's only 13, so mentioning college and stuff like that doesn't do much for her.
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leanne maree
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| Posted: May 04 2011 at 12:49am | IP Logged
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Kacky,
I am going thru some similar things with my dd-13.
Just being 'off focus' with studies.
Less focused with chores.
Needing to be reminded frequently, that she needs to leave herself time to get ready if we are going out.
It can get frustrating.
I always plan on leaving 15 mins beforehand knowing she will be late.
we pull her up about it and we putting strategies in place, but Is it just that time of teen life??
leanne
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stellamaris
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| Posted: May 04 2011 at 3:20am | IP Logged
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I agree. This is definitely more of a problem with boys. A couple of things I have learned that seem to help a bit (not completely!) with this:
1. Get them involved in a sports/exercise program. Seems like it is not directly related to their school work, but it seems to help.
2. WRITE DOWN what you expect them to do. Make an actual checklist. Somehow, having it in black and white helps everyone. Mom will see that some things are getting done, whereas the son will have that list "holding his feet to the fire". This also alleviates the "I forgot" problem, as well as the "you never told me" excuse.
3. Have Dad "inspect" the work done for the day. Was the assigned work completed?
4. Discuss his own goals for his future. Help him see that the work he is doing today is related to the "big picture". I think this discussion would best be had with Dad. In fact, be sure Dad is involved in general, both in the area of discipline and in the area of accountability.
5. I would encourage frequent reception of the sacraments. Sometimes even this is difficult with teens, but we did insist on Mass attendance as long as our older boys lived with us, and so far all but one of our four older children attends Mass regularly and practices their faith now that they are on their own. Thanks be to God for this great grace!
6. Wait about 8 years. 
As far as his mistaken thought that he needs to feel motivated to begin learning, you might share these words of Goethe with him: “Whatever you do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it.” Beginning a task is half the battle, and we do not need to feel "ready" to begin. Beginning is a matter of the will and the knowledge of what to do first. Can you show him how to break his dreams down into concrete steps and begin to work on them one step at a time? I think for our teens sometimes their dreams and hopes are so big, that they are a little paralyzed...they can't imagine how to begin. So, if we can walk them through the process of taking their big ideas from "dreams" to a real, step-by-step action plans, that is a great learning opportunity for them.
I don't know if Laying Down the Rails would be helpful for him to read at this age. Two perspectives from it might help him: 1) the idea of the importance of building up habits slowly and steadily, working on one area at a time, and 2) the notion that habits essentially are the foundations for successful living--without good habits we struggle every day to just get the basics done. The text of the book itself is really geared toward mothers of younger (maybe under 12?) children. The habit lists are helpful for any age.
Praying for you and your teen, Kacky! Hope something here helps! And, hey, save this post for me in a few years when I have teen boys yet again 
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Caroline
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KackyK
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| Posted: May 04 2011 at 7:12am | IP Logged
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Thanks ladies! The funny thing is, this is my 16yrold dd! My ds age 14 gave me all sorts of good advice to give to her He had a bunch of fun saying he tells himself...everything has a benefit, dont let anyone tell you you can't do something especially yourself. He is my very accomplished goal setter.
Dh and I have been talking and it seems like this is how she has been her whole life. Even in potty training! She was over 3, the oldest for us to do so and it was a standoff!
I feel like it's a fear of failure, stubbornness and impatience all rolled into her. We've discussed her need to pray about this, to just ask, whenever she has a down moment even, ask for the Holy Spirit's help. Lord knows I'm praying 
Thanks again for all of your thoughts.
And I am praying praying that more maturity will kick in and kick her into gear
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KackyK
Mom to 8 - 3 dd, 5ds & 4 babes in heaven
Beginning With the Assumption
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stellamaris
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| Posted: May 04 2011 at 8:08am | IP Logged
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Quote:
| The funny thing is, this is my 16yrold dd! My ds age 14 gave me all sorts of good advice to give to her |
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Well, how about that!!! I think some of the suggestions above still might be helpful, even with a GIRL! .
So often it is about the personality of the individual child...I guess God doesn't want us to get too "comfy" in our parenting, but wants us to rely on Him! Hang in there, Kacky! 
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Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
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4Real Forums : High School Years and Beyond
Topic: habit formation for unmotivated student
