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Bookswithtea
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My teen's life has become very full since he turned 16. He has school and homework, he has a job after school, he is still homeschooling for ccd and spanish, he has band practice for the youth group band and youth group activities. He also has a social life, but it doesn't overrun the other other activities. What I am finding is that its an awful lot of balls to keep up in the air. Chores at home are taking the hardest hit. What I'm wondering, from you moms with children this age and older...does there come a point where you expect less of a child in the way of home responsibilities, especially when they take on an outside job? These aren't chores for pay, btw. We have a system where a certain amount of work is done just because you are part of the family. There are extra lists of chores they can choose from, for pay. So its not like I can hang money over his head. And I am waffling between playing hardball with him and being sympathetic because there are weeks when it really does look like *no one* could possibly get it all done.
Can those of you who have walked this road give me some advice, please, on what is normal for this age and stage?
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mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and  due 9/10
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Shari in NY
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This is very normal, Books. When my older kids had paying jobs their chore list shortened considerably. First, there's just so many hours in a day and second, I couldn't always wait to do the dishes or fold the laundry until they had the time to do it! Plus it usually is time for the younger ones to start picking up the slack by the time the older ones have jobs.
For the record, I have had no success playing hardball with my teens. We reach agreement with discussion and chocolate or they just stubborn it out. 
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Martha
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my boy is 14 and 9th grade.
his only chore is cleaning the cars and mowing the yard.
I fully expect that the vast majority of his time and priorities will and should divert to heavier academics, developing his personal interests, and more social commitments.
Really it's not that big a deal to have it so as there are so many others of us to share chores between and we all agree that these other things are more important.
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Martha
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Willa
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Thomas Jefferson Education said that ages 8 to 12 are the times for the peak chore training and doing. Chores for highschoolers take back place compared to academics and developing talents.
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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Bookswithtea
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Shari in NY wrote:
For the record, I have had no success playing hardball with my teens. We reach agreement with discussion and chocolate or they just stubborn it out. |
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and due 9/10
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Bookswithtea
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Willa wrote:
| Chores for highschoolers take back place compared to academics and developing talents. |
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How do I balance this? I don't want my teens getting the idea that they are off the hook in terms of being a real part of family life, because somehow their academics and developing talents are more important than family? But on the other hand, it is becoming ridiculous. It would be easier for me to pass on these chores to other children (as Shari said) rather than wait for ds to have the time to complete them. But I also remember I was quite selfish at this age, thinking that "my life" was just so-much-more-important than whatever was going on at home. I don't want my kids to be like I was. 
Maybe I'm just having a hard time with the idea that my ds's life is moving further and further from the heart of home and hearth?
I guess its normal, though, for the responsibilities at home to diminish.
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and due 9/10
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Barb.b
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My ds has to vacuum upstairs and clean his bathroom. In reality this takes him about 1/2 hour. So, put that way - yes I expect him to still do this even with all the other outside stuff!
Barb
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Liz D
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Books,
I have 4 grown children and it seemed like I tried to give them chores that could better be done at their"convenience"so other's chores didn't revolve around when the teen completed them. Examples are cleaning the refrigerator, organizing cupboards, car cleaning, and lawn work. They did less dishes and other daily stuff. I chose bigger projects that required maturity or organizational skills. I had one daughter organize my photos and another my address book and recipes (pre-computer era, at least for me). Most of the one time big projects they did during the summer when school was out. It might not be the same quantity of work but it helped me keep my head above water, even when things were not exactly as I would have done them.
I still have a hard time with the idea that they have moved from the heart of the home, too.  And it is an adjustment to having the younger kids take more and more of the responsiblities.
God bless, Liz
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Bookswithtea
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My ds does the evening dishes and takes out all the trash each evening. Then he has a bigger job each afternoon (except youth group night) as well. Each of these is about a 20-30 minute chore that is usually fairly labor intensive. He doesn't do more than the rest of his siblings. Everyone does his/her share from about age 4 on up. But no one else has his schedule, either. Getting a driver's license has really opened up his world. I guess I'm ok with him having a reduced load, especially on the weeks where he is swamped. But what I don't want to see is everyone else working hard during chore time while he is playing guitar because he happens to have a light week. That hardly seems fair, especially when he makes a fair share of the messes.
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~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and due 9/10
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Bookswithtea
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Liz D wrote:
Books,
I have 4 grown children and it seemed like I tried to give them chores that could better be done at their"convenience"so other's chores didn't revolve around when the teen completed them. Examples are cleaning the refrigerator, organizing cupboards, car cleaning, and lawn work. They did less dishes and other daily stuff. I chose bigger projects that required maturity or organizational skills. I had one daughter organize my photos and another my address book and recipes (pre-computer era, at least for me). Most of the one time big projects they did during the summer when school was out. It might not be the same quantity of work but it helped me keep my head above water, even when things were not exactly as I would have done them.
I still have a hard time with the idea that they have moved from the heart of the home, too. And it is an adjustment to having the younger kids take more and more of the responsiblities.
God bless, Liz |
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Hmmmmmmmmmmmm...that's an idea. If I gave him chores that are still real work, but things that could wait until he has the time to do them, then he would still be pulling his own weight and being a part of the system, but it would give him some flexibility.
Musing hard on this one...
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and due 9/10
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Cay Gibson
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Bookswithtea wrote:
| My teen's life has become very full since he turned 16. |
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Yep. Yep. Yep. 
Bookswithtea wrote:
| Chores at home are taking the hardest hit. What I'm wondering, from you moms with children this age and older...does there come a point where you expect less of a child in the way of home responsibilities, especially when they take on an outside job? |
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It's part of them growing up and leaving the nest, I'm afraid. i have a current 16 year old ds and this is my third go round. Chores do suffer a bit until the family re-maneuvers what is expected and what is do-able.
I think it is realistic for the older child to do his own laundry (mine do) and to be in charge of at least one major chore.
As long as they live in the home it is not unreasonable to expect them to be responsible to a certain degree. I'm aware that these young adults of mine have jobs and school outside of the home while the younger two girls and I are blessed to not have that burden.
It is very important for the parent who is home and serving her family to ask "What can I do to ease my child's burden?" Your child will learn from your example.
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Cay Gibson
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Bridget
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Our 16 year old has one main chore, the dog, and other chores depending on his availability. There are times that he must be available to help with a project, like this Sat. we'll clean the chicken coop for winter.
I hate the letting go. But I am not raising him to be a keeper of the home. The boys need to know HOW to do household chores and be willing to jump where they can, but it won't be they're primary focus.
We try to retain family cohesiveness with the older kids in family meals, prayers and fun times. Almost in the same 'framework' as their dad. Faith and family always come first, but much of their energy and focus is directed outward at this point.
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Bookswithtea
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Thank you all, so much. This has been really helpful. Bridget, your way of explaining it in terms of raising sons, not keepers at home, and the manly example of Dad, is also helpful for me.
Dh and I talked about it this afternoon, and I shared all your ideas and thoughts. Then we talked with ds about it and we are going to work out a different plan, taking this new stage of life into account.
It is such a blessing to have a place to ask these kinds of questions. Thank you.
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and due 9/10
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Bookswithtea
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Cay Gibson wrote:
It is very important for the parent who is home and serving her family to ask "What can I do to ease my child's burden?" Your child will learn from your example. |
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Cay, thank you for this. This is actually where my heart was leaning towards, but I was afraid I was being a softie and not keeping high expectations and consistency.
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and due 9/10
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Cay Gibson
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Bookswithtea wrote:
| I was afraid I was being a softie and not keeping high expectations and consistency. |
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I know exactly what you mean. 
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Cay Gibson
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Nina Murphy
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I have the same quandaries, Books. For us, though, it comes down to practicality. We NEED the help. Simply put, we lost a son to college who did a share of the load; my oldest, who is still at home (but 21) is rarely here and would help but just can't. Reading over the lists from others, though, I realize his amount of contribution is probably average for a large family. He has a lot of work and I allow him to attend to it, but I also call on him and interrupt him from time to time throughout the day----when I *need* to. He has a good attitude about helping and knows that it could be worse! When my 18 year-old left for school, he could have inherited all of the dishes----but I took them on for the most part. 
It is stressful around here, to be very honest and bare, in the evenings, attending to all of the "programs" and treatments. Everyone has to help with an assignment or I'd lose it. My 16 year-old son helps do breathing treatments and meds. He also helps when I need a break with the 3 little boys.
I DO realize I ask my (almost) 14 year-old daughter to take on a slightly larger amount of work, but then: her load of schoolwork is lighter. She also doesn't have the extra commitments he has. So....it all balances out in the end. I see the best things coming out in him when he extends himself to serve the family and sacrifices for one of the boys. I see his manly character truly shining.
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Leonie
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My teens and young adult sons "help out" - we have an attitude that everyone helps as much as they are able..so, if mum asks a teen to do something and he is overloaded he can say so and someone else will pick up the slack. No set jobs, apart from rooms and pitching in.
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Barb.b
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Both my older kids (17 abd 12) clean the entire upstairs (toilets and all) on Sat mornings (or another time if they have something else then. They do the dishes daily, MUST pick up rooms . . . and anything else that comes up. If they didn't clean the upstairs I'd go nuts. THis is a large house and I homeshcool 3, one of which is in high school. So maybe my 17 year old is busy, but you know what - so am I!
Barb
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mimmyof5
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My two grown dd's didn't have any assigned chores when they were in high school. Between school, part-time jobs, activities at church, their days were full. However, when at home, they were still expected to pitch-in. Wash a dish, wipe up, basically clean their own messes. The only exception was that they both did all their own laundry - more likely because mom is very bad at getting laundry done.
Janet
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Karen T
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I have gradually made most of my 16 yo ds's chores things that can be done at flexible times, and our understanding is that while things like youth band and a job (and of course, schoolwork) do come first, that his social time, hanging out with friends down the street, skateboarding, etc are to come last, after chores.
Karen T
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Topic: teens and responsibility
