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hereinantwerp
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| Posted: April 07 2008 at 10:05pm | IP Logged
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hi,
we have a just-turned 13 boy. he is so hard to live with/deal with. he always has been. I was remembering the other day him being 8 months old and having to "discipline" him for going for the light socket--he just smiled right at me and went for it again and again and again. Despite many years of doing our best (making many mistakes, of course!) to deal with the constant arguing, pushing the boundaries, treating others badly, etc., I am feeling at the end of my rope, and feeling myself lately becoming hard hearted myself toward him which I don't want to do!! 
After MUCH prayer we put him in school (7th grade) this January. Things seemed to be going pretty well--but then the last few weeks have been quite bad and today he treated me with just total contempt. And I just do not know---when my biggest concern for him is the moral/heart-issues (academics are a breeze for him, school is much less challenging than the things we did at home, it just occupies more of his time and gives him more authorities to knock against, which seemed like it would be a positive thing)---I just don't know what is best here. I'm fretting because the things he is getting at school do not have the spiritual or character content that I have always wanted to impart to him. He says school is boring, but he does like being around other kids and the sports, & sports could be a positive outlet for his energies. And as much as I might dream about doing homeschool again, I just do not know if I could handle him at home, he resists rather than respects me, and the negative atmosphere and constant tension he stirs up (yes, on purpose) with the other kids drives me around the bend.
My heart is just SAD right now!!! And I feel fearful of the future! Dh and I do not know what to do. I am sorry for the mistakes I have made in the past with him and yet I know God sees our hearts and that we have sincerely tried our best. I don't know if anyone can relate to this.
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Angela Nelson
Mother to Simon (13), Calvin (9), and Lyddie Rose (3)
my blog: live and learn
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MarieA
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| Posted: April 07 2008 at 10:19pm | IP Logged
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You are all in my prayers.
Marie
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Leonie
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 1:11am | IP Logged
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Angela, can I suggest a novena of Masses for your ds? We had an issue wth one of our older sons , when he was around 13, and I asked a priest to say a novena of Masses for this son. I attended each daily Mass and prayed.
The was a turn around - not miraculous, but definitely a turn around.
Hgs from here.
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Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
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Carole N.
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 5:03am | IP Logged
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Angela, it sounds like you are describing my 13yo ds! We have many of the same problems with him. I firmly believe that after all we have been through with him that prayer is the key. Our ds needs to have a change of heart and it can only happen in God's timetable not ours.
However, you are probably looking for some ways to handle day to day situations. One thing that we do is set up the expectation and lay down the consequence first. My ds is not academically inclined, but he wants to go to school for the socialization. Since he does not make good choices, I am much more inclined to keep him at home (which is where he is now).
So he rebels by not getting out of bed and doing his school work. My dh set the expectation that he would be ready to school at 9:00. This meant breakfast eaten and dressed for school. When he did not met that expectation, he had to do double school time when dh came home.
I would also like to recommend a book Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld. It is discussed on the forum here. I have been reading this and have found it really helpful to know that I am not alone. I would suggest that you start with Part 4 (chapter 14) first. I believe it says that Dr. Neufeld recommends this as well.
Please if you have specific questions, PM me and I will give you more information. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. 
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Carole ... in Wales
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Lauri B
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 5:37am | IP Logged
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I have a 13 yo son, too. I'm praying for you!
PS - I know my son needs a TON of sleep and a TON of exercise in order to keep his hormones in check, as well as limiting his simple carbs/sugars. I don't know if that will help at all in your case, feel free to disregard it if it's not applicable! You'll be in my prayers! The Lord will do it - He returns the hearts of the children to the parents and the parents to the children.
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aussieannie
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 5:42am | IP Logged
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Beautiful Leonie! Excellent Carole! Angela, those recommendations are extremely good ones.
St Maxmillian Kolbe is a great patron too, his mother once said to him, "What will become of this boy?" in exasperation...well he became a saint  anything is possible with prayer and I do highly recommend Carole's book.
Praying now for you both.
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Under Her Starry Mantle
Spiritual Motherhood for Priests
Blessed with 3 boys & 3 girls!
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aussieannie
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 6:58am | IP Logged
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I have to come back and add that there is a beautiful book called, Leonie Martin: A Difficult Life Leonie of course was one of the sisters to St Therese of the Little Flower, a saint loved by not only Catholics, she was just that sort of saint. The Martin family was a very holy family but they had one difficult child - Leonie - and when I first heard that, I thought "Oh yeah, a difficult child in a saintly family?" thinking she was probably tame by our thoughts of a 'difficult' child. But she WAS! Extremely difficult....so this book is just beautiful reading, showing how the power of prayer can bring about what seems impossible.
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Under Her Starry Mantle
Spiritual Motherhood for Priests
Blessed with 3 boys & 3 girls!
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Maryan
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 8:11am | IP Logged
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Prayers here Angela.
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Maryan
Mom to 6 boys & 1 girl: JP('01), B ('03), M('05), L('06), Ph ('08), M ('10), James born 5/1/12
A Lee in the Woudes
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hereinantwerp
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| Posted: April 10 2008 at 12:01pm | IP Logged
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Thank you for the book recommendations, they sound very good and I will look them up.
Well I suppose the good thing about having some really bad days with this son is that it drives me to prayer--I feel like since our very bad day a few days ago, my heart has been in constant prayer for him every free moment!! And Jesus helps me to have a soft heart toward him again and even to sympathize with the anger and discontent and misery he feels, because before I was a christian that is how I always felt inside, too. Dh and I are praying together and also yesterday I spent a long time praying with a close spiritual friend and mentor, and I felt some peace, even though things look far from perfect on the outside! I have been thinking about the mother of St. Augustine and how she prayed and prayed. My son certainly has an intensity that could be used by God in some powerful ways!!
The one thing I feel like dh and I have finally caught onto is to stay calm with him. Not to get drawn into a big "blow out," but just to stay calm, and repeat whatever we've said to him very calmly. It is hard to not get drawn in and emotionally react, especially when he says hurtful things. I feel like this is a change for us. Maybe we are learning a few things, if slowly and late  .
I also feel in prayer that the school decision for him was a right one. Granted we are in a little town, the school is K-8, the community and parents very involved, I see some really positive things with teachers, coaches, and even peers. I do not think I would feel the same way in a big city! Since we moved from a big city in Europe, I feel grateful over and over again that God seems to have placed us in a very good, wholesome place for our family (which we needed after our experience!!). I am very grateful. It was my heart to homeschool him longer, but I am trying to trust in faith about this, as it seems to be how God is leading. I do wish he was more academically challenged, he is getting straight As and breezing through with no homework. But whatever God wants to do in his character is more important than academics, so I give that up, too. I still would love to have him home at some point, at least for literature and history, the "discussion" topics--but we'll see. He is not open to a "hybrid" now, combining school and home, b/c he does not want to be "different"---I remember being 13 so I can accept that's just where he is at for now. One of the most gracious things of all is that the boys' closest friends are still the boys of our devoutly Catholic neighbors a few houses away, they are a wonderful family--I was so afraid that connection might break when they went to school!
PS, I am not a Catholic, I have a dear neighbor who is Catholic and she has leant me some books so I can understand things like, what a novena is!! I respect Catholics I know very much and am drawn to many things about it--so I have been learning some things I can incorporate into my personal prayer and life. At the same time I have felt the Lord tell me to be content where I am, "bloom where I'm planted" (I love our church in many ways and am rooted into a "spiritual family" there), also to keep the unity in our marriage---we are protestant missionaries-- ! But I am learning more about Mary and the Saints, I am open to learn, I think there is much tradition and richness we protestants are just missing.
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Angela Nelson
Mother to Simon (13), Calvin (9), and Lyddie Rose (3)
my blog: live and learn
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Willa
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| Posted: April 10 2008 at 8:46pm | IP Logged
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Angela, even though you are not Catholic you could do a prayer campaign similar to a novena. I really recommend a 54 -day prayer -- in our case it has been the Rosary. I have said one for each of my children at some point in their teens when I felt that I had reached the end of my own personal resources. I could really feel the grace come in.
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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hereinantwerp
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| Posted: April 15 2008 at 1:25pm | IP Logged
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I ran across a favorite verse in my One Year Bible this morning that really comforted me:
"Even the sparrow finds a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may lay her young at your altars, O Lord of hosts,
My King and my God."
This verse makes me feel that God understands my heart as a mother! I think there are times when we must "lay our young at his altars!"
Dh and I are praying together most mornings for 1/2 hour or so, and praying for our son daily has become a bigger chunk of that. I am also praising God that dh has felt a direct tug in his heart to be more invovled in son's activities (Scouts, sports) and to really work with and disciple him more directly. This was the thing I felt when we decided to homeschool my older one in the Fall, that he needed a year or two working closely with his Dad. I also see my husband's heart has been somehow changed toward our son, much more tender, positive and encouraging--the two of them are polar opposite personalities and do NOT naturally understand each other. Interactions in the past have sometimes gone very bad because of them misinterpreting and misunderstanding things. So---maybe God is accomplishing things in different ways, not through homeschooling, but through moving my dh's heart, and increased activities (good coaches and scout leaders, etc.)---I was feeling some specific things in my heart in the Fall, it has just worked out different than I thought. But today I felt that little bit of revelation that the core, necessary, good things ARE happening!! I can feel sure that God will accomplish these things in the best way!! Perhaps reality was, too, that this son was "a bit too much for me" to handle at home---honestly that has been a very hard thing for me to admit!! Because tied together with homeschooling are many of my deepest ideals and dreams---but the main thing is my son's heart and life for God!! So I surrender to God to draw my son's heart to himself in whatever way is best.
I continue to pray, and I feel encouraged today.
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Angela Nelson
Mother to Simon (13), Calvin (9), and Lyddie Rose (3)
my blog: live and learn
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Carole N.
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| Posted: April 15 2008 at 4:53pm | IP Logged
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Angela, I have not been on for several days, so I have missed your posts. I can tell you from personal experience that staying calm is key to winning battles. And I know how hard it is ... I have had experiences such as the ones you are talking about with our ds.
Also, my ds accuses me of being "over protective." Well, it is true, I am, but I also believe that being attached to your children is extremely important. We are completely involved with all of our children in as many aspects of their lives as we can be. Good for your dh for wanting to be involved in scouts (my dh was the scoutmaster before we moved and both of my sons are in scouts ... I cannot say enough good things about scouts).
Continue to pray and I will continue to pray for you!
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Carole ... in Wales
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wwandsprmn
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| Posted: April 21 2008 at 2:11pm | IP Logged
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Angela,
You could be describing my daughter!! Especially a few years ago. I remember being so frustrated, hurt, and angry with her that I contemplated putting her in school, and I cried about her weekly. Everyone counseled me to put her in school. I refused. (This is not a commentary on your choice) I knew what her hard, confused heart and spirit needed was more of me. She needed more of a positive influence from me not less, more of my love, and affections not less, more time with me not less. I needed MORE time to work on her behaviors as opposed to avoiding her for 8 hrs a day. I also knew that adding the outside influences as well as other adults who would take my place in her heart and compete for her respect and affection would yield a negative not a positive net result despite the respite for me.
This was no small task. I truly had to pour myself into her, and it took a Herculean effort. She needed me more than the others, she just did and though I wasn't sure I was up for the challenge of turning it around I knew God gave me that particular child with all her challenges for a reason and He would equip me if I left no stone unturned and counted on Him. We were meant to further Christ's perfection in one another and learn from one another. It's no accident that we have these specific kiddos, God's is working on us through our vocation.
Prayers are of course encouraged but I would offer some logistical advice as well.
First off I have two sons who have presented their own challenges as well. Boys especially need moms with strong, straight spines, loving arms, sweet kisses & hugs, & lots of praise who can speak their language. No noodle spines, mean it, say it, follow through with a smile, stay soft and feminine but firm.
I don't threaten. I don't say what I don't mean and they are much less likely to try to break your resolve when they know how strong it is.
You must engage in a child's interests and find something to do together everyday that is pleasant for you both, even when they have misbehaved it can't be taken away. Maybe he likes his back scratched, or his head or feet rubbed? My boys (one 17) still lay their heads in my lap for this! Read aloud at night.
Hard hearts are often pained ones, and as off as their perception of their being wronged may be we must hear it, and heal it. It's all perception, not fact for them.
Really pick your battles. For dd, her room, was a big thorn and daily fight. When I decided to change this relationship I gave her the whole summer off from cleaning her room. I told her she had to keep the door closed and no friends could play in her room if it was messy but that I would say nothing about her room until August. It was a condition of the cease fire agreement we struck. We actually had a meeting she was maybe 8-9 yrs old.
I love the books, Positive Discipline, The Challenging Child, Love and Logic, One Mind at a Time, and The Myth of Laziness.
I devoured resources and figured out this kid. She needed healing. I prayed for her needs daily. Not what I wanted from her but what she told me she wanted and needed when we would talk each day. It improved in a matter of weeks dramatically. As I learned to control myself and hear/look past the obnoxious outer to the wounded tender heart within she softened and she learned some restraint.
She still challenges my sanity sometimes but I can talk her down so quickly now it's scary!!
God Bless,
Robin
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TracyQ
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| Posted: April 28 2008 at 2:32pm | IP Logged
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I am praying, Angela. I have had a really difficult day with my oldest today, and my heart is breaking now too. I feel a need to be in constant prayer for him right now. I just feel we're at a crossroads in his life, of sorts. He graduates in June.
Can you tell me where that Scripture is found? I'd like to print it out, and use it to remind myself that I need to allow God to work through all of us, and in His way, and that HE is in control, not I. Boy is that so true right now. I feel very much NOT in control of the situation.
I'm praying for you, and your son, Angela.
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Blessings and Peace,
Tracy Q.
wife of Marty for 20 years, mom of 3 wonderful children (1 homeschool graduate, 1 12th grader, and a 9th grader),
homeschooling in 15th year in Buffalo, NY
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4Real Forums : High School Years and Beyond
Topic: dealing with a very hard hearted kid
