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Angel
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| Posted: Oct 11 2006 at 3:26pm | IP Logged
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My 7 yo dd, who reads well for her age, asked me today to read a Frog and Toad book to her. I know she can read this book on her own, and sometimes -- in other areas -- she has a problem with wanting me to do things *for* her past the point when she can really do them herself with just a little effort. Once she figures out that she can do a thing she's very happy, but getting her to try sometimes involves a lot of tears and whining.
Anyway, I told her that I would not read the book to her because I was sure she could read it herself -- plus I was feeding the babies. "But sometimes I just want YOU to read it because what if I don't know a word!!!" she wailed.
Now, she did finally start reading the book herself, and there was one word in all the book she was unsure of, and that word was "hurry". But I wonder if I did the right thing? Should I have just read it so she could hear the story again? I personally love Frog and Toad, and it makes me sad that there were tears shed over it. On the other hand, she needs to be able to be independent sometimes.
I really wish these kids came with an instruction booklet!!!
--Angela
Mom to 3+2 
Three Plus Two
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: Oct 11 2006 at 5:48pm | IP Logged
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It's sometimes hard for children to want to "grow up" and sometimes this is harder when they see the younger children in the family getting more of Mom's direct involvement. This is not to say that you aren't giving enough to your 7yo, just that she isn't sure how to handle the reality that she can do some things for herself that you need to do for the littler ones. Not good or bad/right or wrong, just something some children react to.
From time to time one or another of my dc has done something along these lines. Usually, rather than saying I *won't* do it, I ask the older child to wait a few minutes. As often as not, the child tires of waiting and does it herself in the meantime. Or else I do it when I can. The real need is more wanting attention than not really being able to accomplish the task, so I try to make sure I spend some *special* time with the older child. Maybe you could promise to read to her when the babies are napping?
I know when requests like this keep coming up at the exact moment you can't help and on top of that the request seems *unnecessary*, it starts to drive you crazy. Usually, though, a request for something from Mom speaks to a real need, even if not the need the child seems to be talking about.
Hope that helps.
Peace,
Nancy
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cathhomeschool
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Texas Bluebonnets
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| Posted: Oct 12 2006 at 8:44am | IP Logged
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Nancy has some good points.
I don't think it's wrong to have Mom help with things that a child is capable of doing themselves. I still read to my older kids, and I type out their narrations sometimes too, even though they are more than capable of doing these things themselves. My 4yo often asks to be fed his dinner. He is very able to feed himself, but likes the attention. If I *can* do it, then I do. Insisting that he can do it himself only brings tears and and greater insistence on his part (I know from experience!), and isn't worth it even if he does eat on his own in the end. I would just read your daughter the book if you can. As Nancy says, I often tell the kids "in a minute" if I'm in the middle of something, and they may choose not to wait for me. Could you read while you feed the babies if she holds the book and turns the pages?
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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saintanneshs
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| Posted: Oct 12 2006 at 11:50am | IP Logged
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Hi Angela,
This is a tough one isn't it?!
I agree with Nancy and Jeanette. One more thing I've tried that has really helped is to just ask my 6yo if this is something he really needs my help with or if he just wants some "Mommy time." After doing this for a while, he has learned to differentiate between the two and can usually just tell me, "Okay, I just want some Mommy time," at which point I can offer him the "Mommy time" (and the attention he's craving) when I think it will come next, like the little ones' nap time or when I finish whatever I'm doing. If he insists he needs help I'll either have him work on it next to me (so I can lean over and help when he gets stuck) or offer him a time when he can have my undivided attention.
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Kristine
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Oct 12 2006 at 6:15pm | IP Logged
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OK, I'm a weirdo. I read aloud to my children (14 and 8) every school day. We also read aloud at bedtime on some days...other days dd (8) reads on her own while I read my own stuff next to her.
This has been a recent development...until this summer, dd would almost never read on her own. When we moved here, I taught her to use the library's computerized card catalog (to find and reserve books) and now she is way more interested in reading to herself. It's the computer link, but I don't know why. So, don't worry too much if your daughter won't read on her own much now. It will come. There will be a spark (either a read-aloud she loves, part of a series, the darn computer catalog...???) and she'll be off. The key is that you're reading together and she sees how much you love books.
Having said that, when I did in-home daycare there were many times I could not help my daughter (then 3 and 4 years old) with things right away, as I was holding a baby or two at the time. We have a hand signal for "Just a minute, and I'll get to you ASAP," which is the crossed-fingers (like, good luck) sign. I used this a lot during those years!
I think all children separate from Mommy at different rates. It's also a sprint-ahead, pull-back process. My children have always been really reluctant to "spread their wings" and use the things they know how to do.
I also think that any tome Mommy tries to do anything for herself, almost all the children need something right then (especially when the phone rings!).
I think Kristine's approach is great...I plan to borrow it, starting right now!!!
Don't worry, Angela, your daughter will indeed read on her own. It's great to read to her when you can, though (see Jim Trelease's great book, The Read-Aloud Handbook, for all the reasons why reading aloud is wonderful).
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Angel
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| Posted: Oct 12 2006 at 8:59pm | IP Logged
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You know... after rereading my original post... I think I may have given the wrong impression. I *do* read aloud to my kids a lot. (In fact, I read Katya's Book of Mushroomsto the kids immediately following this incident.) I *do* often read books they can read themselves, but some books (like Frog and Toad) I've read to her repeatedly in the past, and she's reading chapter books on her own now.
I guess I worry that I read so many books *to* the kids that I don't save enough for them to discover on their own.
I think Kristine is probably right about the situation, though. My 7 yo is definitely my "middle" child (even though she's #2) and she often gets lost in the shuffle because she's nowhere near as demanding as her brothers. I think next time I will ask her if it's just that she needs Mommy time or if she really thinks she needs help.
Thanks for all the advice! 
--Angela
Mom to 3+2
Three Plus Two
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4Real Forums : Living Learning
Topic: What would you do?
