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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: Nov 06 2005 at 8:23pm | IP Logged
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I'm snatching a thread from the *teenage forum* and quoting Leonie here:
Leonie wrote:
None of my kids have wanted to go to school - for high school or primary (elementary) school. They see that they have more freedom and choice than their schooled peers.
I *think that if they did want school, we would try to talk about their reasons and try first to find non school solutions. Just because dh and I feel so positive about homeschooling. I guess I would try to be pro-active and head things off before it came to a decision - always looking for ways to involve the dc in our homeschooling decisions, to build on their interests, to meet social needs, to hang out together, reach their hearts, pray! |
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Years ago, my very best friend told me that she felt the more we offered a child outside the home (CYO, field trips, clubs, etc.) the more dissatisfied they were at home. I scuffed at this...at the time. Now I take her words more seriously.
I heard what people said about her child being constantly at home...how much he was missing out on. She was ridiculed for this decision to not get *involved* in the *real world*. I was determined to involve my dc and keep them busy so that they would enjoy their hs experience and not feel secluded or excluded.
I've been left with a mixture of temperments in my household (gotta read those temperment threads  ). All my dc are homebodies but two of the girls beg for socialization and the two boys are happy to hs. We've always tried to get the dc's input and go with their educational curiosities...even if that means a year in school here and there. I've ended up with two boys who are hs advocates, a teenage dd who questions the hsing route since what we do is really *car school* (until this year) and attend co-op classes, and the 8 yr old I'll describe below.
I'm dealing with my 8 yr old who plays with the neighborhood dc as well as several hs friends. A week does not go by that she doesn't ask to try school (she's never been except for Mother's Day Out as a preschooler).
How much outside friends are your dc involved with, Leonie? SHould I limit my 8 yr old's exposure to these friends? I tell her how lucky she is to have the freedom of hs but she only hears her friends saying how much *fun* they're having in school.
The other morning we walked to the mailbox and were standing at the end of the driveway until a car passed. Chels asked me if this is what it felt like to stand and wait for the school bus.
 She's obsessed with the notion of school. I know she will learn regardless. She's a smart kid. My fear is that she will enjoy it, so much so, that she'll want to stay in school.  I think her learning style would even thrive under the discipline and structure of a school setting.
I've allowed her to watch Full House on Friday evenings and that show reeks with mention of school. I thought it'd be a harmless Brady Bunch style show but it has her desperately wanting to do as those girls do. Of course, I blame myself.
I'm trying to do as you mentioned...be proactive and head it off before it comes to a decision.
Leonie wrote:
I also do a big sell on hsing in the early years - isn't it fun - we are at the park or beach for nature study with friends and others are in school!  |
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Oh, I've done this! Lots of times. I start to mention all the things we couldn't do if she were in school all day and she meets me with mentioning all the stuff they get to do in school that she can't do at home. What's funny is basically it is stuff we're doing at home, but she understands that it's a different experience somehow. 
I just wish I could say as you have just said...that none of my children have ever felt the appeal of school. Is this central in families or does it come down to each individual child? I guess I take this as a sign of failure that my child would like to go somewheres else to learn; especially after I've done so much to make learning at home appealing to her.
What also eats at me is hearing (and reading in the papers) how children of the hurricane are so anxious and happy to go back to school. They say they were bored during the month break!
And then one day we are leaving the library after having spent an hour in a large group of kids and the 8 yr old says to me, "All these kids and their hollaring make me nervous!" I tell her that that's how it is in school.
Will this too pass? or will she grow up resentful that she never had that *real* school experience?
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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cctabb
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| Posted: Nov 06 2005 at 11:02pm | IP Logged
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I don't have a definative answer for you, Cay. Has your 8-year old been "car schooled" until this year? Maybe she is missing the co-op experience. She may need the whole getting on the bus to go to ps, participating in ps and doing the hours of homework required by ps students to realize how great it is at home. If nothing else the homework thing might get it for her. All her siblings are free to enjoy their afternoons, but she has more (sometimes more and more) school work to do.
At her age, if she is really insistant, I don't imagine there would be too much "damage" done if she tries it for a year. Or maybe for a semester after Christmas.
She may not like having to get up so early to get ready, catch that awe-inspiring school bus, be gone from home all day, come home to another hour or so of homework, not having time to play with her co-op friends, eating dinner, chores, bath then bed just to wake up and do it all over again.
How about her older brothers? Have they talked to her about it? Maybe they can help push the homeschool. Do you have an area in your house that you can set up a "school" for her complete with chalk (or white) board, desk, etc?
Good luck. I'll pray for your and your family. Your dc may be one of those that has to experience the grass on the other side to realize that is isn't greener.
Charlene
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Leonie
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| Posted: Nov 06 2005 at 11:08pm | IP Logged
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I don't have any real answers, Cay but I can share our experiences.
I am not sure exactly why my kids don't like the idea of going to school - I wonder if it something to do with family dynamics and our many moves? Moving a lot has many good and bad associations - but one of the good has been a family closeness, I think.
Not saying that other families are not as close but acknowledging that, at first, after each move, we have to rely on each other. This relying on each other has often made best friends out of siblings.
Then, my dh was a teacher and a Deputy Principal for many years. My kids saw a lot of school that way and none of it impressed them. 
We have always been VERY involved in homeschool groups and so the majority of my kids friends, esp when they are young, are homeschoolers. I guess this helps.
When kids are below the teens, we also don't do any
( or very few) groups where there is a lot of age segregation and where parents do not attend. We haven't made a rule about this but try to seek out/organize multi age or family groups.
I guess I would feel that 8 is pretty young for school and for making such a decision and would tend to encourage my child to put the school desire on the backburner for a bit. Who knows? Maybe it will pass when she is older?
Those are my thoughts - not sure how helpful they are??? Maybe others can share experiences with school and homeschool?
P.S . I noticed you said that you blame yourself. Don't! It is not really a matter of blame but maybe of temperament or circumstance?
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Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
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Kathryn UK
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| Posted: Nov 07 2005 at 1:34am | IP Logged
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Cay, my hunch is this may well pass as her friends get older and find school less fun and she gets older and more able to discrimate between the good and bad of school. My 10yo is very, very social, does a lot of outside activities, and has many school-going friends. I remember her having a huge tantrum when she was 5 when she saw kids playing outside at our local school and decided she was missing out on whole days of playing with her friends. (She did eventually accept my explanation that only a small part of the day was playtime!) For a long time she was very curious about school. She wanted a lunch box and a uniform - she got the lunch box to go to a holiday club at my mum's church and the uniform by joining Girls Brigade (similar to Girl Scouts).
As she has got older, she definitely hears much more negative stuff about school from her friends. Many of them tell her how lucky she is; a few still say they love school. If she was in school she would have to take national tests this year, and her friends think it is just "not fair" that she doesn't have to do them. She sees them getting more homework as they get older, and again is often told how lucky she is not to have homework. This is balanced by the fact that she gets a lot of the positive aspects of the school experience from outside activities. She takes dance classes at a theatre school, and has a school-type peer group there - the advantage being that they are smaller, nicer peer group than you would expect to get in a school. She also goes to a Saturday morning music school which is very much a school-type experience - registers, bells rung between classes, mid-morning break, moving between classrooms and so on. Overall, these two activities seem to be enough to meet her social needs and school curiosity, and she isn't showing any desire to go to "real" school. She also recognises that if she was at school she wouldn't be able to spend as much time doing dance and music as she does now.
Not sure if this is helpful ... I suppose what I'm getting at is that it is possible to meet the needs of even the social, wants-to-do-things-in-a-group type personality at home. In our case we've done it by a mixture of actively looking for things to fill gaps in her experience and luck. And yes, it is definitely a personality thing. My less social, off on her own planet younger dd has never shown any interest in going to school.
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Kathryn
Dh Michael,  Rachel(3/95) Hannah(8/98) Naomi(6/06)  (11/07)
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Donna
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| Posted: Nov 07 2005 at 4:58am | IP Logged
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Cay Gibson wrote:
| I just wish I could say as you have just said...that none of my children have ever felt the appeal of school. Is this central in families or does it come down to each individual child? I guess I take this as a sign of failure that my child would like to go somewheres else to learn; especially after I've done so much to make learning at home appealing to her. |
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Dear Cay,
I believe it does come down to each individual child. We've been homeschooling for 11 years. My oldest daughter has never wanted to return to school after being pulled out half way through 4th grade. My other daughter, however, has been longing to return to school from the start. Her personality is so very different, quite opposite in fact, than my oldest dd, yet they were both given the same opportunities. She started at the high school last January and is thriving. I see a light in her that was quite dull while at home. Our decision to have her attend school seems, to us, to be the right one for now.....although, maybe next year it will be different.
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Donna
DH, Keven
Jason, Stevie, Marie, Jackson, Clara, and Aaron
Jacob, Sam, and Regina with God
Grandbabies Leigha and Elsie
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Jamberry77
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| Posted: Nov 07 2005 at 7:26am | IP Logged
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Dear Cay,
From what you've shared about your daughter, it seems she would be bored stiff in school. Does she want to have to read a book then immediately be tested on it for comprehension, every time she reads any book? And then be given points that must be added? Maybe you could try the old "school at home" game that some people have tried. I don't know what to say except that to me, it seems that she would be so bored at school.
Love,
Kelly in NC
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ALmom
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| Posted: Nov 07 2005 at 12:41pm | IP Logged
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It is so very individual. Our oldest dd felt like she was missing out as a young dc (we had some neighborhood friends, but funny thing is that they wanted to hs and our dd wanted to go to ps. The ps moms were worried that their dc were spending too much time playing over at our house and not content with their ps experience - they seemed to always see our dc in the yard and thought all we did was play, play, play. The poor mother was so relieved when one day we had to say we were sorry the dc couldn't come out as we had a bit of work to finish up. ) It is funny what perceptions the dc get of the other side - grass is greener syndrome. It took us a long time to realize that our dd interest was driven by the novelty of the school bus - she wanted to ride the school bus. So we went somewhere that had a bus tour and that helped for a while - along with realizing that I wasn't having her ride the bus to school even if she did go to ps.
We have never done anything but homeschool, and for most of the time co-ops simply were not an option. This dd was happy with homeschooling through Jr. high (after a brief desire for ps in elementary school)but then felt like we should let her go to ps or some sort of real school. We had one very, very rough year, but now she basically is happy that she did homeschool(though she also does talk about difficulties with it). She is a very social dc by nature, seems to be drawn more by what peers think (I think more a result of insecurity and confidence issues in her middle school/early high school years) and also tends to stress more and it did help her to have more structure and some outside teachers (we went with tutors until we finally found a co-op class) and an outside passion. It also helped when she realized that no amount of whining and wheedling was going to bend us on what we felt was essential for her - not homeschooling was not an option for us, so now what do you need us to do to make this the best possible it can be. We also admitted that homeschooling was not perfect and acknowledged some of the things she felt sad about missing that we simply could not replace/ imitate in homeschooling. We also talked about the many things she could do because we were homeschooling - and this became more and more important as she saw how it allowed her to follow her passion. She sometimes talks about how she wanted to be a fly on the wall to see what it was like. She is much happier with a full slate of outside activities which really built up her confidence. We tried to allow for her needs and accomadate as best we could, she was basically OK with homeschooling hs for the most part after that although she would say that she would send her own dc to ps (until she worked in Jr year in a ps Middle school and decided we were right about homeschooling middle school, but still says she would allow her dc to go to ps for high school - though now she does admit she is glad she homeschooled because of her music. I do think that one thing that made homeschooling difficult for her, is how stretched I was, my own lack of confidence in what we were doing and her needing more mentoring than I could give in some of those vulnerable years(perhaps car-schooling is the problem with your dc - this dd may need more time to ponder at home or need to have a more regular routine. Is there a way to make this happen more? I know with others in a family, there is a lot of give and take to meet everyone's needs, but I do not think that an "attitude" about homeschooling is really not an indication of failure on your part but there may be things to do to tweak the routine/activities that make things better - even if the dc still thinks school is neat and that they are somehow missing out. It is hard not to take these kinds of comments personally, but sometimes that just prolongs the disatisfaction - at least that has been our experience.
Our 2nd dd who is entering hs next year is still totally content to be at home, has absolutely no desire for any kind of outside the home school and is academically strong and confident. She has never been as peer dependent as our oldest dd (and funny thing is I'd feel easier about the 2 dd in a school setting than the oldest for that very reason, though we are committed to hs through high school!)
All the boys are homebodies and the less we do outside the home, the happier they are. This is a juggling act. It is sometimes quite a feat to meet everyone's needs and all have to learn a bit of give and take - that is just life. Sometimes our homebody dc have to put up with being somewhat on the go to accomodate their sister who needs a bunch of activities - but sometimes our oldest will have to drive herself/carpool to get to activities or forgo a night out because we just plain need family time. We used to require the whole family to go to every concert and recital - now we allow the other dc to sometimes stay at home (if there are 3 concerts in a row - we pick one for all of us to attend and support this dc and then we work out arrangements for the other dc to stay at home for the other concerts and dh and I attend by ourselves)
Just a very personal sharing of how different attitudes developed with in the same family among different dc. Hope something in here helps.
Janet
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4Real Forums : Living Learning
Topic: School vs. Home Appeal
