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kathleenmom
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I'm not even sure where to put this. It's as much a prayer request as it is a wild hope that someone will be able to help me simplify things so that I can catch my breath. Here goes....
I am schooling 3 children...and trying to amuse a very high needs toddler and a walking 10 month old.
Here is the condensed version if you don't want to get imbroiled in the messy descriptions....My life is total and complete chaos  .
I've posted in the past about how we have one child with some rather serious neurologically based behavioral difficulties. In short, he has an Anxiety Disorder with explosiveness and defiance added in to the mix. We've been exploring options, looking at treatment plans, trying to discern where to go and what to do....but in the meantime....there are all of these little bodies (and a very neglected husband) who require my daily constant attention). Life keeps demanding me to keep going...and I haven't time to put the brakes on and devote any energy to "fixing" anything.
Now, let's add in the 2.5 year old who now qualifies as my HARDEST ever 2yo. He's very physically aggressive, attacks the baby, YELLS all day long, throws things, terrorizes his big sister, winds up his big brother who doesn't need any help in the aggresion department..... I can't tell you at this point how much of his behaviour is "normal 2", how much is mimicking all of the aggression and ugliness that has been rife in my home for waaaay too long with his older brother...and how much is him also having a neorologically based problem.
Add into this mix oldest and middle daughters who are vicitmized, and benignly neglected...and not liking it one little bit...and acting out a great deal lest you forget about them.
You have NO idea what my house looks like. My husband is soooo long suffering, but even he came to me tonight and said "something has got to give."
I can't come to all of you fine ladies and pretend that I am a perfect parent. I can't even come close. I can tell you definitively, however, that my dh and I are NOT this bad. Really. I lose sleep at night wondering how my house got to this place. I am beginning to have escape fantasies. 
That said, I know that the whole infrastructure of our family is seriously compromised. We have just hit critical mass.
My days are a neverending cascade of fights, sanctions, temper tantrums, baby being hurt by toddler, sisters fighting, eldest son with anxiety disorder and explosiveness....losing it, defying me....hurting people, ill-kept house....and momma who is treading water and starting to swallow big gulp-fuls of water. I am just at my wits end.
I've considered sending him to school, but the only real option I have is public school. It makes my stomach churn just to think about it. I can't imagine what would happen to him there. We do NOT live in a good school district, for all that is worth. It didn't matter when we bought our home...we homeschooled. I know that my life would not be simplified by sending him away....I would just be exchanging one set of difficulties for another. I can not see him sitting at the kitchen table in the evenings whilst his siblings are playing...finishing up hours of school work. I have enough trouble gaining compliance from him over the smallest things these days. It just doesn't look feasible.
Now, the toddler is another whole kettle of fish....his behaviour is the worst 2 I have ever seen. It is way out control. I know all of the fixes....he needs lots of purposefull, meaningful things to do. I can't leave him to spin his wheels. He needs lots of big muscle activity and outside time. He needs lots of sleep. Well, here's how this is all complicated. He will not nap. Heaven and earth can't move him to. I've tried. I've given up. He has night terrors every night where he screams for protracted periods...multiple times. I do send him outside with his siblings to get exercise and fresh air, but there is usually a fight and he's sent back in. I've tried to keep him under my wing for most of the day, and that really does help. However, even the few minutes that I have to let go of him to visit the lavatory or brush my teeth end up in mischief. He is ruthless with the baby. This behaviour is new to me. I have not seen anything like this before. Her face is constantly covered in scratches, he pulls her hair, knocks her over every time he passes her.... Then, he is particularly nasty to 5yo dd. She is really suffering. By the end of the day, I, myself, have become callous and hardened by all of the strife.....I find myself short tempered with her...and telling her to just get up and walk away without the slightest bit of sympathy for her suffering.
Eldest dd suffers from some anxiety issues as well, in truth. They just don't evince themselves in the very egregious ways her brothers do.
That said...I've come to you guys asking for prayers before...now I'm asking for suggestions. I really don't think that sending anyone to school at this point is either viable or prudent. We need to find some way to improve the whole tenor of our family framework right here and all together. My husband is suggesting that I really back off on the Academics and declare this a Mental Health year. He says...do the bare minimum for our State Requirements and then spend the rest of the time having fun...
The problem is I don't know HOW to do this. I don't know how to let go of all of the things I've planned. I don't know what to do if I can. I know that this is really open-ended, but if anyone has any suggestions for ways to pare back that won't leave me with white knuckles grasping my plans...please share.
I just don't know how I got here. The joy is all gone from my home and I want it back.
Kathleen
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lapazfarm
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First of all, Kathleen, you have my prayers.
Practical suggestions:I think your dh has a great point. It seems to me like the academics must take a back seat while you focus on behaviors.Once you get those under control you can slowly add the academics back into the mix, one child, one subject at a time. But for now, I'd really just let it go. Get some educational videos, read aloud daily if you can, let older kids read independently or to the baby, and call it good. It WILL be OK. Really.
Is there any way you can separate your 2 older daughters from the boys for stretches of time during the day, so that they can play normally together without the trauma? Perhaps gating off an area (their room?) for them to play in, color, play dolls or dress-up, no boys allowed, like a little haven for them?
Keeping the toddler with you is great. I know I have to be constantly vigilant with my 2yo. Do you go outside with him at all? Can you leave oldest girl in charge of baby while napping so you can take 2yo out for supervised excercise? I know if I just send the kids out all together it often ends up with fighting and tattling and seems more trouble than it is worth. Perhaps going out in shifts would work better until they learn to get along better.
Music always seems to put the kids in better spirits here. The kids love their rhythm instruments and the 2 yo loves to dance, so that may be an option for exercise for yours when weather is bad. Perhaps you can sit in the center of a rug or other cleared area and have them all dance circles around you and the baby.
Is there an indoor play place anywhere near you? Can you go there often, let the kids play, and give yourself a break? Can dh take the boys once in awhile so you and the girls can get the housework done as a team-and get a break from the boys? Perhaps even giving the girls a special treat for all of their help?
I will be thinking about you and praying for you here. Hang in there.
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MacBeth
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Praying here, Kathleen. And I want to say that Theresa's advice, in agreement with your dh, is perfect. Let the schooling go. Regroup. A Mental Health year is a good thing.
I wish I had more advice to give...I'm hoping to get more advice from others...we could all use a bit of a mental health refresher. Dr. Ray, are you out there?
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Jenny
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I too agree that "mental Health" year seems like a good idea. But, you cannot tackle all the problems at once. Pick a behavior per child, or maybe even a behavior per family to work on for a period of time, then move on to the next behavior. Be realistic about this, this will not be undone in a week, or a month, this is a mental health YEAR remember. (What a wise dh you have).
Rewards go a long way with some kids. I'm thinking maybe sticker charts, even for the older girls. For them, it will not be so much about getting to put a sticker on their chart, it will be the reward. "Oh John, you were so gentle with baby Brigid right then, let's go put a sticker on your chart! Remember, once you get xxx stickers in a row, you get xxx!!!" "Girls, watch the baby for me while I take a 15 minute break. If you do this responsibly, w/o fussing with each other or me, you'll get to put a sticker on your charts. Remember, once you have xxx stickers on your chart, then you will get a special treat xxx (maybe a hot chocolate with mom at a coffee house, or a trip to the store to buy xxx.)" I know this seems really basic, maybe even too basic; but this could be a starting point.
Catch everyone being good.
Hopefully you will be going through a lot of stickers once you start catching them being good. "Being good" is going to be relative...good at the beginning may look very different than you would like, but you'll get there.
I would also look at diet, what they eat and when and where.
I am praying for you and your family.
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Chris' wife and momma of 7. My blog: The Littlest Way--Bible Journaling, Inspiring Bible Quotes, Daily Affirmations, Prayer Journaling & photography
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kingvozzo
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Kathleen, I've read your posts, and am praying hard for you. I'm running out the door, so don't have time for much, but i agree with backing off from "school" for a while, and getting "life" under control as best you can. We sort of hit critical mass here ourselves in the past few months. I've realized, as has my dh, that I need help. Our first trial is going to be a mother's helper, coming in 1x or 2x a week, to specifically help with my baby while I help the older kids. Maybe we'll add the 4 yo into the mix, but it will give me a chance to focus on the big kids.
We jus spent all of dh's Christmas vacation geting rid of stuff and organizing. It has helped me a lot.
Again, you have my prayers...your children are besutiful, as seen on your blog. You can get through this.
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Anneof 5
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Kathleen,
My heart goes out to you for what you are going through. I will pray for you and hope that my 2 cents on your situation won't be taken the wrong way. A year ago I was struggling with mostly my youngest two children, especially dd who was 5 at the time. Her behavior was so confusing and I came to these boards asking for help and suggestions. I felt like a failure as a mother and there was a lot of stress in my house.
Have you had any of your dc evaluated by any kind of professional or been down that route at all? I finally had my youngest two evaluated by an occupational therapist last June and found out they both have some sensory issues that were/are impacting their behavior and that it wasn't just me and "poor" parenting. I cannot tell you how helpful these OTs have been in helping my kids and coming up with numerous solutions for all of the behaviors, etc., that we were dealing with. I could have stood on my head and tried a million things but never have come up with these particular things on my own without their help. From daily schedules including helpful bedtime routines to daily physical exercises, to ideas for schooltime, it has all made a huge difference. I am still learning what they need and when they need it and they continue to go to OT weekly. But I would encourage anyone (I know I do not know you at all but I am trying to help others) to seek help from others. We cannot do it all sometimes. I hope you find answers soon! It was the best thing I did all of last year!
Anne
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Alice R
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I'm sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds like you are dealing with an overwhelming amount of problems.
I agree with the other suggestions of taking off some academic time and focusing on getting everyone under oontrol.
I don't know what your money situation is, but a cleaning person can really help. Things always seem better when the kitchen floor and bathrooms are clean.  Sometimes something simple can relieve a burden so you can deal with the more important stuff.
I had a cleaning person come every other week when my life was coming unglued with my mother dying of cancer, three young children, working, and a variety of other problems. It really really helped to have a clean house.
Praying things get better for you.
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Taffy
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Hugs, Kathleen!
I think you've already gotten some really good advice already but thought I'd add my measly two cents...
Have you looked into food allergies as being an issue for your children - I'm thinking specifically about your 2 year old. The things you're describing make me wonder if you might be dealing with a milk allergy. Food allergies can cause behaviour changes in people and it may be very worth your while to look into it.
Is This Your Child, by Doris Rapp is full of excellent source of knowledge about how food can affect behaviour.
I'm praying for you too...
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hylabrook1
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Dear Kathleen -
No advice, but lots of prayers coming for you and your family. 
Peace,
Nancy
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amyable
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Taffy wrote:
Hugs, Kathleen!
I think you've already gotten some really good advice already but thought I'd add my measly two cents...
Have you looked into food allergies as being an issue for your children - I'm thinking specifically about your 2 year old. The things you're describing make me wonder if you might be dealing with a milk allergy. Food allergies can cause behaviour changes in people and it may be very worth your while to look into it.
Is This Your Child, by Doris Rapp is full of excellent source of knowledge about how food can affect behaviour.
I'm praying for you too... |
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I'm glad you said it before I did, because I think I am getting a reputation for blaming everything on food.  I have read (and seen in my own children) that foods can cause awful behavior in children. Dairy and food dyes esp for my oldest when she was younger. She was an entirely different child (bordering on pleasant ) when off those foods. Chemical smells and visual overstimulation would set her off too.
Many many prayers for you!!
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Mary Chris
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Kathleen,
You have been given lots of good advice. I'll continue to pray for you and your family.
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Blessings, Mary Chris Beardsley
mom to MacKenzie3/95, Carter 12/97 Ronan 3/00 and wife to Jim since 1/92
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amyable
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I'm sorry I didn't share any ways to pare back... I do understand the difficulty of letting go of your plans but it sounds like you won't be getting much done school wise ANYWAY with the difficulties you are facing, so you might as well accept to *purposely* drop the plans...or in this case *change* the plans to health enhancing plans...instead of "accidentally" not doing them because of behavior issues. In the end I think it will make you feel better to say "We did that on purpose" rather than "I have no control and I failed and now we got nothing done" (talking to myself here too! LOL)
Are there things that go well (or better) there? I would do lots of those things. Here, it would be learning through videotapes and audiobooks...maybe another family would use walks and games or cooking.
I feel like I need more details to give you better ideas, but I certainly don't want to pry. I just know what it feels like to think you have lost complete control of the house and its inhabitants and I want to help....hmmm, maybe that means I'm not a good one to give advice  I want to help anyway.
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kathleenmom
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Thankyou everyone for your wonderful advice. Several of them have me pondering....
I think I am going to gate off a small part of the kitchen/office. This way, I can keep the baby in here and the toddler out to protect her, atleast.
Next, I am going to try to give the girls some breathing room from the boys. I can certainly do that.
I guess what I will start with is attempting to finish school by noon and leaving the afternoon for "fun". I truly don't know how to just let go. I feel faint just thinking about it. . I had no idea I was so goal oriented before I started homeschooling. However, as you pointed out Amy....little school according to my plans is actually getting accomplished these days and the long lists with no checkmarks next to them are only adding to my stress.
What works well here is listening to books on tape, cooking, going to the park, nature walks.....celebrating the liturgical year...crafting.....perhaps if we focus more on those things and less on the others there will be more of me left to spend focusing on behavior improvement.
Thankyou for all of the suggestions about diet. My eldest son is getting allergy tested tomorrow.
Someone else suggested that perhaps the toddler was acting out from lack of attention. I'm with you, sister. I have no doubt that his behaviour is exacerbated by his not getting enough from me. The truly guilt-provoking and maddening thing about this situation is that there is no "give" left. There is NO MORE of me to give. It is all I have. That is why I have to find a way to simplify things so that there is more of me to give.
For the person who asked, we have had formal diagnoses, but we are looking for more thorough NeuroPsychiatric Evaluation. There is a great deal of Anxiety and the comorbid explosiveness in my father's family. It's rife, in fact. My brother and I were truly spared and we have verrrrry little contact with my father's side of the family. He passed away at 54. My mother sheltered us from them, because they are a very messed up group of folks. I never put all of the dots together, untill recently speaking to the one cousin that I have contact with and I hadn't really talked to her since I've been a mom. It was very eye-opening. She was witnessing the eldest son's behavior and I told her about his problems. She then started cataloging all of the Aunts, Uncles, cousins, nephews and nieces who haveOCD, phobias, drug dependencies. They all self-medicated themselves for the most part with alcohol, so that shielded the real problems from view.
The doctors think that oldest ds may have a double whammy. He has genetics going against him, and he also suffered a birth trauma. My second son experienced the same birth trauma. They believe that the shoulder dystocias which deprived them of oxygen at birth damaged the part of their brains where impulse control resides.
I am going to pursue the allergy idea, try to "protect" the girls as much as I am able in this 1000 sq. ft. home and pray for all I'm worth.
Keep the suggestions coming, and of course the prayers.
Kathleen
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amyable
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kathleenmom wrote:
Thankyou for all of the suggestions about diet. My eldest son is getting allergy tested tomorrow.
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Don't be surprised, if you are going to a traditional allergist, that your son will come up negative to things he is actually reacting to. My dd never tested postive to dairy (and several other foods she is sensitive to) but she definitly reacted to it behaviorally as a younger child. We had better luck with keeping food/behavior diaries and just taking foods we suspected out of her diet, then retesting a few weeks later.
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Red Cardigan
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First, I'll add my prayers to those praying for your situation to get better.
Next, I haven't dealt with anything like this, but here are some possible suggestions:
1. Put your two-year-old down for a nap every day whether he actually naps or not. I'd recommend a two-hour afternoon nap; even if he only sleeps for twenty minutes or half an hour at the end it would probably make a big difference! It may take a bit to get him used to the idea of "quiet time" but as long as he stays in his room, you have at least two hours of the day that could possibly be productive in other ways.
2. Stop "officially" teaching the five-year-old altogether, unless your state laws demand some kind of schooling at that age. On the weekends or anytime you and DH are both available, one of you can spend a little time doing some letters/numbers sorts of activities, but even that can go by the wayside if necessary. I started two of my DDs too young, and only one of them a little older, and I can tell you know that it was MUCH better to start school later! They learn faster and easier, comprehend quicker, can sit longer--it's great. Just let the five-year-old play, do crafts, and "help" with whatever.
3. For the other two children, I'd agree with those who suggested that you do lots of hands-on learning, especially things that capture their interest (and this is especially true for your son). Computer software-based learning, educational DVDs, audio books or podcasts--all of those can be found pretty cheaply or even for free. For your oldest daughter, I'd sit down and make a list of things she'd be interested in reading about, and plan for either you or your DH to take her to a library once a week to get books that go with the "list". Add a math workbook if you need to, and a box of art supplies.
4. For the ten-month-old, how about a gated indoor play area? She can be "safe" and get the exploration/play babies need at that age; she can still be in the room or in part of the room without you having to worry that she'll get hurt by an outburst from the toddler.
5. Finally, is there a homeschool group in your area? Local homeschoolers can be the best resources of programs in your area that might help, or recommendations for mother's help/babysitters who might give you a break from time to time.
God bless--I'll be praying for things to get better! 
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cathhomeschool
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Kathleen, you have my prayers!
Your list of "what works well here" sounds like a pretty complete school day to me, even if you're *not* taking a mental health year (except maybe for a bit of math, but that could be taken care of through cooking, books on tape and informal questions while on nature walks or whatever). We've had entire semesters in which our *only* schooling was listening to books on tape and doing a small bit of math most days. If you can't bear to let all schooling go, then have a daily read-aloud or book on tape quiet time in the afternoon (Can you require that everyone lay in bed for this even if they don't sleep?) and pick ONE other thing to do each day -- either cooking, nature walk, liturgical year, craft, whatever. Are there any homeschooled teenaged girls who you could pay a little to come help you once or twice a week -- entertaining the 2yo or staying with him while the rest of you go for a walk, helping you clean house, or helping your older son with a project that could focus his energies? (Or maybe a homeschooled teenaged BOY might be able and willing to help your son with a meaningful project?)
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Anne
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Kathleen,
I am praying for you. My feelings are that you need something to recharge your batteries. I have been overwhelmed many times  .
In life you have seasons, some good and some poor. The nice thing is a season is not forever. They are ever changing.
My best advice is to give yourself a break. Find someone to help give you some free time. Exercise and drink plenty of water. I need to folow this advice myself  so it helps me to put it in print. I also feel the women in this group are the best in the world to help with any need. I have seen wonderful things happen when the 4Real girls get involved!!!!
Praying for Peace in your Season
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Anne in TN
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Dawnie
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Kathleen,
I have another suggestion to help w/ protecting the baby from your 2yo.
Do you know how to use a cloth wrap to wear your baby on your back? I used one almost daily until just recently (my baby is 13 mo. old now) to protect her from over-affectionate siblings and a 3yo who doesn't know her own strength. It takes some practice, but once I learned how to do it, I could do housework, tend to my preschooler, and baby could watch everything from the safety of my back. Yes, it is more work and a bit tiring to carry around the extra 20 lbs., but it saved me A LOT of aggravation.
Lisbet on this forum is VERY experienced at babywearing...she even has a little tutorial on her blog.
Wear Your Babyis also good.
I'd also be glad to answer any questions, although I don't have nearly as much experience as Lisbet. But I'm glad to help as much as I can.
Hang in there, mama!
Love and prayers,
Dawn
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kathleenmom
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Again...thanks for all of the suggestions. Dawnie, I'm a big fan of baby wearing. I have a Mei Tai which I love. Bridie started walking at 9 months and she is absolutely disintersted in being slung, worn on the back, hip or any other place unless she is sleepy.
Anne, thanks for the suggestions about battery recharging. I DO have to remember to try and carve out some mental health space for me as well. I appreciate the reminder. I do need to remember to try and take the best care of myself I can.
Many thanks,
Kathleen who is off to snuggle a feverish baby
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Becky Parker
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Kathleen, I just wanted to add to what Amy said about the traditional allergist. Our experience was that they did a scratch test and the results showed that my ds was "allergic to dust and grass" but nothing dietary. The allergist said that because you really can't get away from dust and grass he would just need shots on a regular basis. I was not ready to accept this so I went to a naturalist. She told us to take him off milk, food additives and colors (mostly high fructose corn syrup) and about 2 weeks later we had a different child. Just something to think about. I know allergies to dust, pollen, grass, etc. are very real. The naturalist we went to just explained that once the "gut" is in order and healthy, the body is better able to fight those allergens on it's own.
I don't want to talk you out of allergy shots if that is what your child might need, but I just wanted to share a possible alternative.
__________________
Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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4Real Forums : Living Learning
Topic: Critical Mass
