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saintanneshs
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when you are pregnant and having morning sickness? I'm just curious here...does he take over with everything and just expect to have to do it all when there's a baby on the way (ie laundry, dishes, bathing and feeding the other littles)? or is it okay with him if it all gets tossed to the side to be picked up again after a few months when "survival mode" passes?
I know many of you have older children who can help out when everything comes to a halt during those can't-even-get-off-the-couch (and sometimes the bathroom floor)-without-vomiting days. What a blessing!! I don't have that and I've been told by a few friends with older children that we are "right on the cusp" of having that extra help needed via our 6yo and that's why the thought of another pg (with life at a complete stand-still) seems so overwhelming right now...
Just curious 
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Bridget
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When we only had littles my dh was working one or two jobs and in grad school. Oh, there were morning sickness days when just keeping everyone alive and safe was the only goal. Baths and laundry were for over- achievers.
I remember days of gating off one room and laying on the couch with the kids in there. We just read books, watched videos and ate from boxes of dry cereal. Pitiful.
Kevin helped when he could but it wasn't much. Somehow we all muddled through.
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saintanneshs
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Can I ask, Bridget, did he mind that life was like this during your pregnancies? I mean was his knowledge of what you and the kids went through ever any reason for discussion about spacing babies? I see your littles are spaced kinda like mine and I'm just curious if other husbands know what is coming and (after the 1st pregnancy)if they mind it.
You don't have to answer if it's too personal. I'm just wondering if what we're going through is normal.
Thanks for sharing.
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Bridget
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i don't ever remember it resulting in a discussion of spacing. He was/ is very kind about the house when I'm sick. But it bothers him a lot when I'm suffering. That really stresses him out. I guess because he can't make it better. the messy house is just 'stuff'.
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Kathryn UK
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This time round my wonderful dh simply took over and did everything. We normally share domestic tasks anyway. He works easy hours - he is always home soon after 5, and works at home two or three days a week when he is usually finished by 4.30 - so this works for us. He can't bear mess, so he would much rather deal with it. Now it is my turn to take over and do everything while he recovers from his surgery. I love it that we are able to swap off and help each other as needs arise  .
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Elizabeth
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saintanneshs wrote:
when you are pregnant and having morning sickness? I'm just curious here...does he take over with everything and just expect to have to do it all when there's a baby on the way (ie laundry, dishes, bathing and feeding the other littles)? or is it okay with him if it all gets tossed to the side to be picked up again after a few months when "survival mode" passes?
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My dh has been home 8 days of this pregnancy (I'm 13 weeks pregnant). He's worked all 8 of them, sooooo...he does nothing in terms of housework or school but he's not been around to comment on the chaos either  . I have had friends jump in and help when we've moved past too far past survival mode and I think I'm drowning. We had a couple of weeks of meals brought to the house and a friend who understands how the messiness discourages me has come to help put things in order a couple of times. The whole experience has been rather humbling .
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| I know many of you have older children who can help out when everything comes to a halt during those can't-even-get-off-the-couch (and sometimes the bathroom floor)-without-vomiting days. What a blessing!! I don't have that and I've been told by a few friends with older children that we are "right on the cusp" of having that extra help needed via our 6yo and that's why the thought of another pg (with life at a complete stand-still) seems so overwhelming right now |
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I have found this to be a mixed situation this time. My eldest is so busy with outside classes, a couple of jobs and soccer that he cannot relied upon to help with housework at all. This is ahuge change int he household. He has, however been able to help with driving and grocery shopping. My four older children have had lots of outside commitments with dance and sports--that's a drain that I didn't have when they were all littler. And it's a huge drain. this pregnancy has made me recognize that I haven't been as good about systems with my middle guys as I was with my eldest. And we're really working on obedience and responsibility when it comes to the house. I'm hoping for a reprieve soon so that I can really focus on this. The problem with trying to teach it now is that it's SO hard for me to get up to inspect and I know I can't expect what I can't inspect  . I'm really praying on this one.
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saintanneshs
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Elizabeth, I'll be praying for you too. I think I know what it's like to be feeling so sick all the time with morning sickness and be all alone, trying to manage everything all by yourself. I've never had to do it with a large family though. I admire your courage...So you're saying I can't use the "but you've got helpers" line, huh? 
Kathryn, it sounds like you and your dh have a nice system of care going there. 
Bridget, I think my dh's concerns are similar to your dh's in that he hates to see me suffer as well. With the first 3 children he wasn't around at all to see how sick I was and I think it really bothered him with our 4th. He worries too about the PPD that's at the end, even though I'm not worried! Also, he doesn't like for our systems to fall too far apart either, so last time he was trying to make up the difference by himself and I think he was overwhelmed by what I have to do everyday.  I just wish I knew whether or not I should tell him that all of this is normal in large families (I don't know!) and that maybe we should stop expecting things to get easier because this is just how it is. Neither one of us is very good at lowering our expectations of ourselves and I think, with all of this discussion about a new baby, we are going to have to learn to if we're going to get past it. After all, what comes at the end of the journey is so completely worth it...
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Elizabeth
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Kristine,
Why aren't you worried about PPD? That's my real worry...
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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esperanza
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Elizabeth,
What do you do to lower your risks of PPD? My dh seems to be more aware and empathetic. My PPd issues in the past have been negatively directed at him 
It is a major concern here as well.
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Erica Sanchez
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Kristine,
Are you usually sick all day long?
Are you sick for the whole pregnancy or just the first trimester?
I usually felt pretty good first thing in the morning and could get a few things done then...a load of laundry, a healthy breakfast, a quick tidy.
School happened only a little during those early months.
By the afternoon, I was on the couch not to get up until bedtime. All that I really needed dh to do was get home, feed the kids, and put them to bed. Overall, he was GREAT, better with each pregnancy even, because he realizes it is just temporary.
Believe your friends about the older children helping. My older girls could make lunch or a snack, help tidy before dad got home (very helpful to dad if the house was at least tidy), stuff like that.
It seems overwhelming!! We've only once consciously tried to conceive and just "accepted joyfully" (the joyful part for me comes at about 12 weeks when the sickness goes away!), so to be in your place actually thinking and praying and planning.....knowing full well what's ahead....that's a tough one.
But it is all so temporary!!
The house will eventually get cleaned.
The kids will eventually get cleaned.
You will eventually eat healthy and complete meals.
You will eventually join the real world again.
All with a beautiful baby to show for the temporary "suffering".
Your youngest is still 1?
Maybe a few more months of postponing pregnancy will help??
Good luck and God bless during this time of discernment!
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Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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Martha
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saintanneshs wrote:
when you are pregnant and having morning sickness? I'm just curious here...does he take over with everything and just expect to have to do it all when there's a baby on the way (ie laundry, dishes, bathing and feeding the other littles)? or is it okay with him if it all gets tossed to the side to be picked up again after a few months when "survival mode" passes?
I know many of you have older children who can help out when everything comes to a halt during those can't-even-get-off-the-couch (and sometimes the bathroom floor)-without-vomiting days. What a blessing!! I don't have that and I've been told by a few friends with older children that we are "right on the cusp" of having that extra help needed via our 6yo and that's why the thought of another pg (with life at a complete stand-still) seems so overwhelming right now...
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It depends on how bad it was. With 1 of the dc, he had to use FMLA to take unpaid family medical leave for 3 months and "do it all". With others it meant survival mode until daddy got home from work or he would take time off whenever we really had a bad day. The worst for him has always been feeling helpless to make me feel better at the time, followed at times by money/work stress. Men "nest" too you know. They like to make sure the nest doesn't have any leaks and the hen has everything she needs and food is readily available, ect...
Your 6 and 4 yr old can probably do more than you think. They can make their own beds, dress themselves, pick up house, be "go-fers" for mom, clear their dishes from the table after eating, help the younger ones get toys and play, ect...
They are old enough to comprehend when another member of the family is not well (I'm sure they've been sick themselves a time or two) and to be taught compassion for that person and the importance of helping each other. Let their excitement over the new baby help motivate them. It's not chores, it's helping mommy with the new baby.
ETA: PDD is NOT related to HMG sickness/bedrest. Bedrest may cause some depression in anyone, whether it's for pregnancy or not, if they feel isolated. For most, it goes when the bedrest goes. I have found it very helpfull to my mood to be in the family room as much as possible. If you start to feel over-whelmed, then go rest in the bedroom, but don't feel like you have to stay back there shut up in the dark alone. Having dh come watch some tv with me at the quiet end of the day was nice too.
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saintanneshs
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| Posted: March 20 2006 at 10:53am | IP Logged
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Elizabeth wrote:
Kristine,
Why aren't you worried about PPD? That's my real worry... |
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I guess I shouldn't have sounded so casual about that, but to be honest, I know the threat of it is there and I'm just not letting that worry taint or take-away from any of the happiness I feel when I think about a new baby. I really believe that God wouldn't call me to something He wouldn't help me to help myself with. Does that make sense? I guess it's a bit of the-Lord-helps- him-who-helps-himself mentality (my mother was always saying that to us) . There's a purpose to everything and God allows suffering to bring about a greater good, right? So my thinking is, why should PPD be any different? We've all heard the tragic stories of mothers who've done unspeakable things as a result of PPD and I don't know what to say to that, except the above. I just know that for me, empowerment to fight the causes and symptoms of PPD (starting with prayer) is the only way I've found peace with it. For me, it would be easy to give up and give in ahead of time or even during it. The temptation is that strong... but I know my faith in God is stronger, my will is stronger and I have support here and in heaven. I'd rather use what I know to fight because we're doing something I believe in.
My 1st 3 post-partum experiences were complete nightmares before I even figured out what PPD was and then was actually diagnosed with it. I won't go into detail, but it was as bad as PPD gets, I believe. Once I realized that everyone else I was surrounded by (who were having babies) weren't going through this and I had a problem, I buried my head in everything that had anything to do with PPD, in an effort to try to get to the root of it all. Long story short, I didn't want to take anti-deppressants (just my choice, nothing wrong with them if you need them I think) and researched alternatives to them. I listed some of them in a post on a PPD thread on these boards (I haven't learned to how to link yet ), sometime last year when I first joined. Back then I was using the pro-active strategies we'd come up with and they were absolutely working! It was so wonderful to have a baby and the barest minimum of PPD issues. I was told (and also read) that it was pretty much unavoidable for me after the 4th pregnancy, having had very severe PPD with each of my 1st 3 children. But we gave our plan to minimize PPD a try and having dh right there beside me, sometimes insisting that we stick to our plan when I was getting lazy about it, really helped provide us with our 1st wonderful post-partum experience. Learning how to recognize and communicate exactly what was going on inside of my brain and body on a daily basis was exhausting, but so worth it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I know that the presence of PPD always looms at the end of each pregnancy, I don't let it discourage me and I'm determined not to worry about it. It IS very serious and I can be tempted to let that fear overwhelm me, thinking, "I DON'T want to go through that again!" I can give in to it and fret about it or I can come up with a plan to thwart the seeds of PPD using all that I've gathered. I can accept the cross that has been placed before me and rather than fight that cross, I can use what I've learned to help me carry it a little bit better.
"Do not be anxious about anything but in all things, through prayer and petition, present your requests to God. Then the peace of God, which transcends all human understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 4:6-7 (a favorite verse of this would-be worrier )
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JennGM
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Kristine,
I'm glad you elaborated about your PDD. I'll have to go back read your posts on the other thread. I haven't gone through PPD, but I was thinking back to when I had my ds. I was so afraid of PPD...and my ob told me that I was "Higher risk" for it. But my doctor admitted that recognizing the symptoms of depression was the biggest weapon I had....and since you've experienced it, you know what to watch for, recognize the red flags, and not hide your problems.
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: March 20 2006 at 11:15am | IP Logged
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Here's the link to Kristine's advice on the other thread.
Ijust reread the whole thread and I feel a lot less fearful this morning.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Martha
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I didn't mean to say that PPD isn't real or anything like that, just that it isn't related to how sick we get or to bedrest. I only had it after our 3rd, horribly too. In my case, I think it was a snowball effect of several years of stress exploding in my face. I really didn't know how bad it was until I was through it either. It started to ease some at about 6 months and I felt completely normal again at about 1 year. But that was a mighty long year and it's mostly a blur I'm sad to say. And that's without any drugs. I do remember it really hit me how bad it had been when we were bringing home our 4th baby. I was just absolutely bubbly with joy and that's when I realised how very different it was from when we came home with baby #3.
I didn't have any of the severe episodes you hear on the news. Which is a seperate catagory of depression, btw. It's actually considered a seperate form of severe psychosis and is extremely rare. It's really sad that every woman who gets depressed after bringing home a baby gets lumped into such a terror-filled catagory because of all the media spin it's given. Even a woman with a horrid case of PPD is not normally anywhere near that catagory and is not a threat to her dc.
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Rachel May
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My 2 cents on this question.
saintanneshs wrote:
| Can I ask, Bridget, did he mind that life was like this during your pregnancies? I mean was his knowledge of what you and the kids went through ever any reason for discussion about spacing babies? I see your littles are spaced kinda like mine and I'm just curious if other husbands know what is coming and (after the 1st pregnancy)if they mind it. |
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Mine absolutely minds. Just last night we were discussing his "morning sickness" as in he is sick of it. I believe that this is one of the reasons he has so much difficulty with the Church's teachings.
However, he does take over anything I can not do but is necessary or he will clean the mess he can't take anymore. He already does a lot so this time it mostly amounted to him taking over the laundry. He never complains about ANYTHING (God bless him, I do have a wonderful husband) even when we are having pizza AGAIN. Luckily, I can supervise baths from the bathroom floor so he doesn't have to deal with that.
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saintanneshs
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Erica Sanchez wrote:
Kristine,
Are you usually sick all day long?
Are you sick for the whole pregnancy or just the first trimester? |
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Usually it begins just a few weeks after conception, lasting all day, every day for 3-4 months, but I can't complain because I've heard MUCH worse.  I wake up sick and go to bed sick. The weight loss isn't a bad side effect but I do worry about the baby. Usually I'm just so intent on getting through each moment that I can't think beyond getting out of the bathroom or off of the couch. Oddly enough, it doesn't lessen my enthusiasm, just my daily strength. Emotionally speaking, I never feel better than when I'm pregnant.
Erica Sanchez wrote:
| All that I really needed dh to do was get home, feed the kids, and put them to bed. Overall, he was GREAT, better with each pregnancy even, because he realizes it is just temporary. |
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Yep, me too. Dh likes things to be at least not in a meltdown state, so the kids are really good at picking up and doing things like gathering laundry and sorting and making the beds, etc. My oldest thrives when I'm in need (thankfully) and his little brother is not far behind him in the helpfulness department. I don't want to wish away their childhoods by any means, but boy was I glad when the 6yo could see over the top of the grocery cart (so he could help push!)
Erica Sanchez wrote:
| Believe your friends about the older children helping. |
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This is just what I was hoping I'd hear. I think when my oldest can throw a load of laundry in for me that it will be another day for a celebration of him!! I know a lot of my friends and family might take that the wrong way, but I am so thankful for his help when I'm in need. We do try hard to let him know just how much we appreciate his efforts.
Erica Sanchez wrote:
| ...so to be in your place actually thinking and praying and planning.....knowing full well what's ahead....that's a tough one. |
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That's why I was wondering if there's any truth to the thinking that it DOESN'T get any easier, you just learn how to adapt better and "joyfully accept" rather than plan. We're big planners here, esp. when it comes to the farm, because we have to plan our babies to be born in the winter if I want dh to be there with me, able to support me in person! (Hence all the big talk beginning now, rather than a few months from now while things are so busy)
Erica Sanchez wrote:
But it is all so temporary!!
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Oh, thank you for the reminder. Just exactly what I needed to hear and remember to pass on to dh in our next discussion.
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saintanneshs
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Rachel May wrote:
| Mine absolutely minds. Just last night we were discussing his "morning sickness" as in he is sick of it. I believe that this is one of the reasons he has so much difficulty with the Church's teachings. |
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So, Rachel, how do you approach discussion about another baby with him, if you know he will mind what's to come? Or do you discuss? I laugh because I'm beginning to think dh and I are talking it to death
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Elizabeth
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saintanneshs wrote:
| Usually it begins just a few weeks after conception, lasting all day, every day for 3-4 months, but I can't complain because I've heard MUCH worse. I wake up sick and go to bed sick. The weight loss isn't a bad side effect but I do worry about the baby. Usually I'm just so intent on getting through each moment that I can't think beyond getting out of the bathroom or off of the couch. Oddly enough, it doesn't lessen my enthusiasm, just my daily strength. Emotionally speaking, I never feel better than when I'm pregnant. |
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This is me exactly except that it started the day after I conceived, literally. My friends will tell you that I was absolutely convinced my thyroid had died and I had a stomach bug--it was that swift and severe. Emotionally, though, I am fine, despite the real chaos in so many facets of my life.
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That's why I was wondering if there's any truth to the thinking that it DOESN'T get any easier, you just learn how to adapt better and "joyfully accept" rather than plan. |
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Easier or harder? Physically, this is by far the worst hyperemesis I've had. That's kind of funny; you think if it's "hyperemesis" that about covers it: it's severe. But this is "severer." And as far as the children go, I think it was easiest last time, when my oldest was fourteen. This time, they have a lot of big kid needs and schedules that are not negotiable. On the other hand, they DO sleep through the night now and I never have in previous pregnancies because I've always had a young toddler or baby. I've also nursed through the other pregnancies, but now I'm wondering if that didn't mitigate some of the other hormones and actually make me feel better.Usually, I really push during the last trimester to plan and prep a whole lot of lesson things. This time, I'll rely more on CHC and I will have to focus on getting all the paperwork done for my eldest for college admission and financial aid. I can't leave that to be worked in around a newborn. I guess I'm saying that there are trade-offs. Every time is a season and with every season, there are new challenges and new blessings.
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| We're big planners here, esp. when it comes to the farm, because we have to plan our babies to be born in the winter if I want dh to be there with me, able to support me in person! (Hence all the big talk beginning now, rather than a few months from now while things are so busy) |
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Well, we learned that we couldn't plan around dh's busy seasons. We miscarried both of our "perfectly timed" babies . I have had to have a friend drive me to the hospital and dh has had to book a flight real quick to get from NY to DC in time to walk in and cut the cord.I think about Kim Fry who found out her husband was being deployed to Iraq just as the test stick turned pink.She spent the whole eight months of his deployment on bedrest with 7 kids to care for. He arrived in the US in Baltmore on the 9th, to return home to Colorado the next day. He listened on the phone in the hotel as Kim delivered early the morning of the 10th. A time to be born really is God's and He had a plan for the Fry family in the timing. Kim is sure of that.
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saintanneshs
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Martha wrote:
| Men "nest" too you know. They like to make sure the nest doesn't have any leaks and the hen has everything she needs and food is readily available, ect... |
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I agree! I think too, herein the problem lies in being "open to life" in that men need to know they (and we too) can take care of the nest we've built together before we embrace the unseen challenges, once again. But I'm starting to think there isn't any such certainty, which is why I'm wondering if it isn't more the norm to accept rather than plan, once the nest is pretty-much already full of responsibilities. (There's always room for one more, right? )
And thanks for the great tips on things little ones can do to make life easier during morning sickness!
Martha wrote:
| Even a woman with a horrid case of PPD is not normally anywhere near that catagory and is not a threat to her dc. |
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Martha, I agree with you that there is a distinction between depression and psychosis. Some women need to get hospitalized, so I'm taking back what I said about mine being the worst kind. Thanks for the reality check. I do think though, that there's a fine line between continuous thoughts of suicide and the act of doing it. When you're that depressed, any escape seems rational enough at the time, so I'm not sure if self-harm would be characterized as a threat to the dc, but the worse the depression, the closer the beginning stages of psychosis. Sorry if I get carried away, it's just that so many medical professionals want to sweep it under the rug and lighten the air around PPD for their own comfort levels. For the majority of women, you're right, they're more of a threat to themselves than their children, but the line seems a bit fuzzy to me. I don't mean to make it sound like every depression means thoughts of suicide. I think there's varying levels from everything to just plain not taking care of yourself, not eating right or getting fresh air or bothering to communicate to anyone about what you're feeling, to the more severe stuff. It's all serious though.
I'm going to be quiet now...I could talk all day about it unfortunately. What a downer I'm being! Sorry!!
Thanks, Elizabeth for the great story about Kim. I'm really inspired.
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Kristine
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How much does dh do...
