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Matilda
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| Posted: July 10 2008 at 4:02pm | IP Logged
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Jenn's post gave me the courage to bring something up that I have been thinking about... How do you deal with the guilt of feeling like you are such a better parent to your younger children than you were to your older ones? Maybe it is just me, but I know that I am more patient, less critical, a more mature parent now than I was a new mommy.
I know that it is natural to change as a parent. My mom is the youngest of 7 and she knows for a fact that her older siblings were raised by "different parents" than the ones she grew up with. By the time she came along her parents had retired from farming and were more "laid back" with their idea of discipline.
I have heard people joke about how the oldest child is like the first pancake... always turns out a little wonky, and I never really found it funny. Maybe that's because I am an oldest child.
I was just curious if I was alone in dealing with this form of mommy guilt?
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Charlotte (Matilda)
Mom to four (11 , 10 , 9 & 5 ) an even split for now
with bookend boys and a double girl sandwich
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folklaur
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| Posted: July 10 2008 at 4:33pm | IP Logged
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Okay - hard for me to talk about, but here goes....
Our oldest is 18 - so dh and I were 19 and 18 when she was born.
We did a lot of our growing up WITH her. A LOT of it. And then she was so sick on top of it. And we were so young. I KNOW we are much more laid back with the younger two - in most ways - but in some ways we are more strict too. (There are nine years between oldest DD and our next child.)
If I think about it I will feel guilty - but I do think, that at most times, we have always been trying to do what we thought was best at the time. Of course, it is easy to look back and see mistakes - and successes.
As new Moms - I think we are trying to prove ourselves - to ourselves and everyone around us. So - I think that is why we are less critical, more patient, etc, with later kids. And often - as new Moms - everyone is trying to "help" by imparting wisdom - so you just get the message that "you aren't doing it right" - which again leads to feeling criticized and feeling like you need to "prove yourself."
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Martha
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with gratitude.
I already know I'm a far different mother with my youngers than my first/olders. Unfortunately that first kid is the guinia pig. I don't think it's funny in a slap stick kind of way. It's just funny in a God laughs at our plans kind of way. People, including me, always think they know just how they'll do things when they become parents. Then they do and God sends this kid that is so NOT what the babybooks say s/he should be and those same people find themselves in the same boat as all new parents. The desperately hanging on and praying to God for assistance for dear life boat.
So I do feel guilty. And he's only 13! But I'm also unbelievably grateful. He's not that messed up so far and I've got all these other blessings that I can do better with and that makes me a bit gentler with him these days too. Many parents don't get second chances. I've got 7.4 to improve upon each time. 
And I also keep in mind that he is my first born for a reason. Maybe God knew he needed a different mother than my younger ones?
Anyhow, I can't claim by any stretch to have any answers at this point. But that's what I'm telling myself these days. 
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amethyst
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My eldest is 31, my youngest is 14, and I know I'm a much better mother now than I was three decades ago - but that's because I'm older, closer to Christ, and have had more life experiences to help me focus on what is truly important.
I'm still changing, and my kids let me know it!  But the joy is that my eldest daughter (29) has watched me change for the better and is wanting me to give her advice on raising her own two boys because she is so impressed with the mother I have become - of course, she can still my flaws, but chooses to focus on the good things.  She often tells the younger kids that I was a much harder mother when she was young, but she also explains that now she is a mother (7yo and 5mo) she understands why I was hard when I was a young mother with a houseful of kids.
Laura, ditch the guilt...just as our kids mature with the passing of years and the gathering of experience, so we do too. Your children were given to you in God's perfect order and He *knew* the mother you would be to them. If He is happy with that then you should rest in where you are right now and simply enjoy growing into your motherhood.
I'm 49 and I'm still growing into mine. Every season brings a new lesson, a new measure of grace, a new revelation that matures me even more. We'll never be perfect at mothering, but we are closer to it with each child, each year, each wonderful or challenging experience.
You're doing fine...go hug those kids and remember that God chose YOU to be their mother because you're the best one for that privilege.
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LLMom
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I worry about this too. BUT our first few children had the benefit of parents who were younger and who probably had a bit more energy than the last children who often have parents who are tired and have cranky knees. 
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RamFam
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cactus mouse wrote:
| I do think, that at most times, we have always been trying to do what we thought was best at the time. |
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This is what I think is most important. Hindsight is 20/20. When I feel guilty, I try to refocus on the appreciation that I have grown since then and have so much more to offer to all my kids.
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Leah
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Willa
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| Posted: July 10 2008 at 7:42pm | IP Logged
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LLMom wrote:
| BUT our first few children had the benefit of parents who were younger and who probably had a bit more energy than the last children who often have parents who are tired and have cranky knees. |
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Definitely. I am often so tired and so "have seen it all before" that it's hard to muster the energy to see the world through the eyes of child #7, who after all is just as brand new to the world as all his siblings were.
I really have to make the conscious effort to take him seriously -- his little flaws, his discoveries. -- and give him the time and energy I gave his older siblings.
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Matilda
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You ladies are fabulous!!!! Thank you for all the positive responses.
I have tried to focus on how I have changed for the better and it is only in those darkest moments when I cringe to think of the mom I use to be. And since I am still far from perfect, I also try to be honest with my kids when I make a mistake and apologize to them. Being honest with them keeps me honest with myself. I think they appreciate that and it helps them to be able to be honest with themselves about their faults, failings and struggles.
Again, I can't thank you all enough for your honesty! And "cranky knees" cracked me up!!!
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Charlotte (Matilda)
Mom to four (11, 10, 9 & 5) an even split for now
with bookend boys and a double girl sandwich
Waltzing Matilda
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mom2mpr
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Oh, this is wierd. I think I was a better parent to my oldest than my younger. I had more time, more patience, less to do. I smiled more. Played more. Learned more. Dh was more involved. It was all new and exciting.
I was more active, at 45 am having trouble keeping up and going up and down stairs 110 times an hour. I can't do much about my physical changes but the others?
Anne
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Bridget
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Matilda, in her talk, Laura Berquist mentions that her older children remember a mom who yelled and the younger children do not. I've met her oldest, she is wonderful and certainly not damaged by it. 
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Becky Parker
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It's funny that I read this just now. Earlier this morning I was praying about, and sort of mourning the fact that I probably wont have more children... I'm 44. But, except for the fact that this ds wont eat much, I think I've finally got this mothering thing figured out! I'm so much more relaxed and willing to just stop what I'm doing and meet the needs of my children. I used to fret every time I had to sit down and nurse a child, ready to jump up as soon as they were done so I could do something as important as...the dishes. Now I'm content to just sit and let him nurse, talk to him, etc. I used to fret about "getting my body back" as soon as they were 6 weeks old too. Well, I'm obviously not fretting about that anymore . It's just funny how I'm enjoying just being a mom so much more, and my mom-hood is probably about over  .
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asplendidtime
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Bridget wrote:
| Matilda, in her talk, Laura Berquist mentions that her older children remember a mom who yelled and the younger children do not. I've met her oldest, she is wonderful and certainly not damaged by it. |
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Thank you! I needed to hear this today!
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Matilda
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| Posted: July 11 2008 at 10:06am | IP Logged
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8smallones wrote:
| Thank you! I needed to hear this today! |
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Me too!
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Charlotte (Matilda)
Mom to four (11, 10, 9 & 5) an even split for now
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Waltzing Matilda
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Vanna
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I struggle with this daily. My oldest was born when I was 18. I was the youngest child out of my entire family (cousins and all)...so until they handed me my oldest, I had never even held a baby. I was so fearful and tense during his early years. I love him just as much as my youngest but I feel that my youngest has benefited greatly from me..well..chilling out. LOL
That being said...Ben (my oldest) is the sweetest, kindest, quirkiest, funniest, most geniune kid I have ever met. Truly. Everyone loves having him around. He is all light and silliness. So despite my anxiety about being a mother when he was young, he developed into a wonderful person.
God works it out for us...even when we are doing our very best to mess it all up. LOL
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Anne McD
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Matilda wrote:
8smallones wrote:
| Thank you! I needed to hear this today! |
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Me too! |
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me three!!!
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Anne
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marianne
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I'm late chiming in, but I'll say that I am a different parent now than before. Better in some ways (patience, realistic expectations, more effective discipline techniques), but I struggle more in other areas (having time to really listen to and focus on each child, inability to keep it all organized, less time to cuddle and snuggle and read picture books). So when I feel guilty about what my oldest didn't get from me or vice versa, I remember some of the things he did get that my younger children don't. Hopefully it all evens out in the end.
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helene
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I think God knows who he is giving to each family and "sends" them at the right time. I think first children are born with special graces to handle being the guinea pigs.
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Cay Gibson
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I was a much stricter, more anxious mother to my older three. Even they say I'm now too "easy" on the younger two.
The truth is I had to relax. I'm happier with a more laidback approach to life and I think my children are all happier this way but sometimes I look at my older three and think "Hey! they turned out pretty good!"
Makes me wonder how the younger two will turn out.
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juststartn
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The more dc I have, the more I learn.
I'm a harder parent with five little people than I was with just one. With one child, if the laundry isn't done every day, chaos does not ensue. Now, if I don't do at least one load a day (usually two) we are swamped, and it makes me cranky, irritable, and a meaner mommy all around. So I've become MORE OCD about schedules and such things.
And now that we have moved, and are "sort of" farming (we have 10 acres, a huge garden, 60 something chickens, geese, ducks, and a dog....), I have far less time for ANYTHING. Yes, I have to try and make that time, but it seems the more I try, the more creeps up.
I'm trying to organize as I unpack, but it seems like every time I do, someone (they shall all remain nameless, but look at my sig line!) comes along and undoes it. Such is my life, I suppose.
And now I may (God willing) be expecting again (I'll know in a week or so), so I have GOT to get things unpacked, and put away pronto, so I am not trying to do that on top of living every day life around here, all while dealing with morning sickness and the fatigue which may or may not come with it...
So yeah. I'm a harder mommy now. I hate to use the word harder--meaner isn't the best word. I yell less, but my expectations are higher, which is why there is a difference.
Its good to have helpers, but I'll admit, I'm particular. Its the only way to keep the chaos at bay. I'm working on slowly paring down the children's things, since we've moved and I have the opportunity to do so more easily. But we'll see how that goes along.
Rachel
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juststartn
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The more dc I have, the more I learn.
I'm a harder parent with five little people than I was with just one. With one child, if the laundry isn't done every day, chaos does not ensue. Now, if I don't do at least one load a day (usually two) we are swamped, and it makes me cranky, irritable, and a meaner mommy all around. So I've become MORE OCD about schedules and such things.
And now that we have moved, and are "sort of" farming (we have 10 acres, a huge garden, 60 something chickens, geese, ducks, and a dog....), I have far less time for ANYTHING. Yes, I have to try and make that time, but it seems the more I try, the more creeps up.
I'm trying to organize as I unpack, but it seems like every time I do, someone (they shall all remain nameless, but look at my sig line!) comes along and undoes it. Such is my life, I suppose.
And now I may (God willing) be expecting again (I'll know in a week or so), so I have GOT to get things unpacked, and put away pronto, so I am not trying to do that on top of living every day life around here, all while dealing with morning sickness and the fatigue which may or may not come with it...
So yeah. I'm a harder mommy now. I hate to use the word harder--meaner isn't the best word. I yell less, but my expectations are higher, which is why there is a difference.
Its good to have helpers, but I'll admit, I'm particular. Its the only way to keep the chaos at bay. I'm working on slowly paring down the children's things, since we've moved and I have the opportunity to do so more easily. But we'll see how that goes along.
Rachel
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Topic: Speaking of guilt...
