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Lisbet
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| Posted: March 03 2011 at 1:23pm | IP Logged
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How hard do you push a kid that doesn't try, yet does well with very little effort?
My 16 year old ds has been very blessed that most things come very easy for him. He learns quickly and retains information very well. This year he has been in an HEP and not surprisingly he is learning a lot and scoring excellent grades. He does this effortlessly.
I, and one of his tutors, are encouraging him to work at a 'challenge level' that is offered. He is SO resistant to this, saying, "it will just be more work." (<---- insert whining here.) It could be laziness, he does have a lazy side.
Personally, knowing him like I do, I think it may just be that he is afraid he won't do well.
I have seen him try something for a short period, and if it doesn't come easy, he quits. (violin) I would like to see him put some effort forth and really strive to excel. He rarely challenges himself. He would never even consider doing 'extra credit' or bonus work. He does the bare minimum of everything. He does okay without trying - so why try. That seems to be his philosophy.
How much should dh and I push him. I'm glad that things come easily to him, but I want him to see that it is good to put forth considerable effort, that it is good to work for things. I'm sure fear of failure plays into this also.
This spills over in his relationships. He does not try to make friends or get to know people. He has a couple of friends from our parish and he does interact well with the other kids in his HEP, but he does not work at any friendship. He doesn't do things outside of structured scheduled activities. He doesn't pick up the phone to invite anyone over. I am concerned about this.
Should we push him in any of these areas. Should I just tell him he has to work at challenge level? Should I encourage him to pick up the phone and call some one to come play basketball with him? (I do this actually, and he is always receptive and it goes well, but I'm concerned for his lack of initiative.)
I don't see this with my next oldest. She works really hard and does really well. It's not as easy for her. She really tries. She tries new things without hesitation, and puts effort into the relationships that she has.
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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guitarnan
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| Posted: March 03 2011 at 2:04pm | IP Logged
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My dh once told me that nearly all teen boys suffer from extreme laziness - he shocked me by saying he was the same as a younger teen (this from an Eagle Scout, senior naval officer, type-A overachiever). This really helped me (also type-A overachiever) put my son's foot-dragging into perspective.
One thing we've found is that our son really steps up (albeit at the last minute) when the pressure comes from outside (college professors, friends, Scoutmaster). He can do great things when he sees that others require him to meet a challenge in order to achieve a particular goal.
The one thing we did push him on (and he is now very happy we did) was becoming an Eagle Scout. He was on the fence, and we pushed. Hard. It was not fun because he waited until he was almost 18, then had to handle setbacks from outside (illness of community organization representative, for example) that could have derailed the project altogether. He was amazed that his friends and fellow Scouts came out in the snow and cold to help him. And it all worked out in the end.
I don't know if this helps - I guess it boils down to: 1) you're not alone; 2) try having someone besides you and dh do the pushing; and 3) only give a big, big push when you are sure it will help your son in the long term as well as right now.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: March 03 2011 at 2:25pm | IP Logged
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I agree with what Nancy said. The apparent laziness is pretty much just being a 16 year old boy. I know what you mean about not trying because of the risk of *failure*. I see this in several of my children, both boy and girls.
Maybe if someone from outside the family asked him and then encouraged him to try something non-academic, preferably something very much *boy* he would respond well. Maybe something athletic or camping oriented, maybe a building or landscaping project.
I realize it's hard to determine what someone's interests are when they try to act uninspired by lots of things, but if you could figure out what might light a fire under him .... There are lots of things other than schoolwork that could be challenging and help him learn the value of persevering and stretching himself to achieve something that isn't so easy for him.
Peace,
Nancy
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Erin
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| Posted: March 03 2011 at 2:33pm | IP Logged
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My dh said the same thing as Nancy's husband, it is normal. And talking to his work colleagues about their teenage sons it appears so. Having said that by 16 I'm starting to expect more maturity and drive than a 14yr old.
If it is fear holding him back perhaps he does need a gentle push, if he is still resist you may have to back off, but sometimes they do need us to push them. Eg. My dd was old enough to get her license, was keen and then backed off, due to laziness, I decided to push her, at one stage she even had a complaint to make, but now she is driving independently and very happy I gave her that little shove.
This same child also has to be pushed socially, like you describe with your ds, I talk her through social situations, manners, what you should and shouldn't do, and at times have pushed occasions like you describe. Now at 17.6 with more maturity she is starting to blossom socially! It's like I have another child. The other day after Mass she went up to some completely strange girls and welcomed them!!!!! I can't help feeling if I hadn't 'nagged away' and given little pushes at times, she wouldn't have reached this point.
Praying for your discernment.
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
Seven Little Australians
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kristinannie
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| Posted: March 03 2011 at 3:44pm | IP Logged
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I have to admit that your son reminds me of myself. I am a recovering perfectionist. One of the symptoms of perfectionism is not trying to do something at which you might not succeed. I think you should be very supportive and tell him that you want to push him to reach his potential. It is easy to go through life being lazy, but it isn't fulfilling (believe me, I know a lot about that). When you are truly challenged, it inspires you to fulfill your destiny and to find your true calling in life. It isn't boring either. Why don't you let him go at an accelerated pace in his favorite subject. Let him do as much as he wants and provide support. See if that inspires some greatness in him!
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John Paul 8.5
Meredith Rose 7
Dominic Michael 4.5
Katherine Elizabeth 8 months
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4Real Forums : High School Years and Beyond
Topic: How hard do you push?
