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glinNC
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| Posted: Jan 14 2011 at 6:18am | IP Logged
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Has anybody experienced this with their children? Does it get better?
Sending a child away, after home schooling all their life, is the hardest thing I've had to do! AND to have my child tell me that she doesn't like it and may not want to go back leaves me on my knees.  (It was clear to me in August that this was God's will!)
WHY doesn't she like it? Not to mention it is so far from home and all that she has known, but the fact that she doesn't feel included is the biggest thing. (Besides being a quiet person (even at home!), she has a vision loss that prevents her from being outwardly social since she can't recognize people from afar.) She attends a Catholic college that is known for its hospitality, yet she hasn't experienced it outside of the staff.
If anybody has experience with a child not liking college that can encourage me in encouraging HER, please let me know. Also, if anybody has a freshman at BC who would genuinely like to reach out to my daughter, please PM me. Thanks!
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LucyP
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Well, I was a child who did not want to be at university. I guess college in America is like university here - I was 19 when I went away. I was sort of forced to go away by my parents - I had an opportunity to wait a year and go to Cambridge, which was close to home, but my parents didn't trust me to go if I waited, so put me on a train and posted my things to me. It was a bad start for me.
I regularly phoned home in tears begging to be allowed home. My parents were very unsympathetic. I think they thought they had to help me by not letting me "give in". So they immediately gave my room to my sister and put a bed for me in my baby sister's room, and told me I could not come home. I wish they had maybe explained - said, "love, we think you will regret it if you come home, so we really want to encourage you to give it time. If by x date you still want to come home, we will come and get you" instead of just telling me to stop whining, not call if I was going to cry etc.
All I can say is that I wish my parents had trusted me and allowed me to come home. They were convinced it was right for me to go to this university and not wait to go to uni closer to home, even sending me back when I was seriously ill with ME - your words that you knew in August that it was God's will for your DD make me think of this...does your DD think it is God's will for her?
I eventually found consolation in the beauty of the town and the area, and I did come to a point of such utter abandonement that I came to live out my baptism promises seriously. But I had a lot of bad/sinful/emotionally scarring experiences before that point and it forever hurt my relationship with my parents that they didn't trust me and let me come home and find a different path. And being so far away meant I grew out of touch with my younger sisters, which still affects us now, and felt rootless and alone. I ended up, I guess, feeling I had to set my family aside to survive, and I ended up getting married up at university and never going home again properly.
What my parents did do that did encourage me was to send me letters, phone cards, stamps etc so we could keep in touch (this was 1993 - just before the internet came into my life!) My mum did visit me once which was nice - to feel that I was still part of the family would have been wonderful, but I felt and they explicitly said I was not anymore. My family did sometimes send me money so I could do the things that help make friends - go out for meals, join societies, go on trips etc. That can make a big difference - especially to be able to do things she is interested in and meet people who seem more like minded. I joined lots of groups at first and then gradually filtered down to the ones where I felt like I fitted and was at home. Also getting a job was a necessity for me, and that gave me more friends in different spheres. Making friends with the older families/couples through church was a great thing too - it felt really good to have families where I was friends with everyone from the grandma down to the toddler, so I could experience family life and get away from the atmosphere of the halls of residence. I found people like church families really ready to be friendly and welcoming to me as a student who was a bit lost among my peers. Maybe her priest can help her meet a family?
I have to say I didn't make real friends until well into my first year. The first people I hung out with were not real friends, and there was a real sense of loneliness because of that, but eventually I realised who the special-to-me people were and we formed loving bonds that have lasted for 15 years. So the first couple of terms were really, really hard work, but after that I coped better and had a support network.
I can only imagine - if university was such a shock to me, who had been at school, pushed to be independent etc - that it must be a huge jolt to your home educated daughter and with time, love and support she could grow to love her college and the memories she will make there. As someone who was miserable too, I will remember her in my prayers.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 14 2011 at 11:39am | IP Logged
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I've moved many times, and meeting people and making friends takes effort on your part. And time. They're not gonna come and find you. Matter of fact if you're rather withdrawn people may let you stay that way thinking you're shy and like being that way.
I would encourage her to get involved in something that she likes... it'll get her involved with people she has something in common with instead of just random people. A smaller group would be better than a large one for not getting lost.
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Maggie
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BC as in Boston College?
I went to BU (down the road) and have a few ideas if in fact we are talking about the same college. 
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folklaur
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BC? Benedictine?
My opinion is biased, I will not expound onlist, but I would let her come home in a nanosecond.
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glinNC
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| Posted: Jan 14 2011 at 3:07pm | IP Logged
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Yes, BC is Benedictine College in KS.
Thank you all for sharing ... I am trying to prepare to best guide her. I want to support her 100%, but yet I don't want it to be a mistake. She would be changing majors, too, and her dream may not come to reality if she does so. I don't want her to regret it, but I also need to let her ultimately decide, right?
Being a parent is THE hardest job!
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Maggie
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This sounds like a tough one.
I am no help to you...right now...I only have to worry about Dr. Seuss and not doctorates. :)
But I am dreading...the day my babies leave...(sniffle)...
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SusanMc
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What does she want to do if she leaves college? If it is just stay at home and work a low-level job to pass the time, I'd probably discourage it. But does she have a specific idea of what she wants to do or accomplish with time off from school? Does she intend to return or is this all or nothing thinking?
I was really intellectually fatigued by the time I reached college thanks to a very rigorous high school education. I desperately wanted to spend a year backpacking across Europe and meeting people. My mother refused outright claiming that if I left school I'd never go back. Mind you I was an A-student who went to academic camps all through high school and spoke at her graduation ceremony (we didn't have valedictorians at my school based on GPA).
HOnestly, presented with my "backpacking" idea I wouldn't be enthusiastic either. But I often wonder if my early adulthood would have had more direction and focus had I taken some time off to work as an au pair in Europe or worked with Habitat for Humanity or the like. I very much resented my mother's projected fears.
FWIW my husband took time off before college to hike the Appalachian Trail and it was a life changing/honing experience for him.
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glinNC
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SusanMc wrote:
| What does she want to do if she leaves college? |
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She states she would come live at home and get a degree in a computer field via an online college (or go to the local community college.) I used to joke with her about home schooling her through college, and now I wonder if she's taking me seriously! 
Seriously, though, we are trying to discern God's will about this. It was so clear to me in August when we headed out for the first day that this was God's will for her ... now I need to be open to see if He's changing the plan.  I am praying that He will let us BOTH know for sure! Prayers would be appreciated!
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SusanMc
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You got 'em for sure! 
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glinNC
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SusanMc wrote:
| You got 'em for sure! |
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Thanks for praying ... after much encouragement to my daughter and equal listening to her side, we have decided to go pick her up and bring her home. Prayers for safe travels would be appreciated. Thanks!
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sunnyviewmom
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Keeping you in prayer. No advice from me. (My oldest is 15.)But your situation somehow just touches my heart.
God bless your family!
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glinNC
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| Posted: Jan 17 2011 at 9:04am | IP Logged
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Maggie wrote:
...I only have to worry about Dr. Seuss and not doctorates. :)
But I am dreading...the day my babies leave...(sniffle)...
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Treasure these days ... they go by VERY quickly! I wouldn't mind diapers right now!
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glinNC
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sunnyviewmom wrote:
Keeping you in prayer. No advice from me. (My oldest is 15.)But your situation somehow just touches my heart.
God bless your family! |
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Thank you! Prayers are certainly the comfort we need.
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momtomany
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Keeping you in prayer as well. We had a somewhat similar situation here. One of my dds, not homeschooled, suffered a bad fall off her horse right after high school graduation resulting in a burst fracture of a vertebrae. She had planned on going to college three hours away, but after spending the summer healing, she didn't feel physically strong enough to be away. She took night classes at a local CC, and worked two jobs. Last year she went away to college as planned and had a good year. This year, two days after she returned to school, she was calling home in tears. Did not want to be there, though she couldn't articulate why. Everyone else was telling her to tough it out but in my heart, I knew that this wasn't the answer. She is not a crier at all, in fact, she hadn't cried at all thru all surgery, trauma, rehab and recovery of the summer of 2008. She still doesn't know what was bothering her, but she came home and is attending a local university. After having five others in college, I know that there are plenty of things in the whole "away at college" experience that are good to have missed. I'm sure your daughter will thrive at home. Prayers for you.
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StephanieA
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Let her delay college if she is not comfortable. And nothing is wrong with working for a bit (low-level paying job or not) and learning what it is like outside the home? I assume we all are homeschoooling and that's pretty low paying ,
but it is certainly mind-expansive and worthwhile.
College isn't for everyone or at least not for everyone at the magical age of 18-19. We have 2 college-age/children graduates here that were ready to go to college at 18. But my third son was not. He was ready academically-speaking, and he didn't mind being away from home. He just didn't want to attend college yet. So, he is volunteering a year with a monastery in IL. He loves what he is doing. It was absolutely the answer to prayer.
Being apprehensive is one thing....not liking it is another. Catholic or not, sometimes things just don't click. I attended college for a semester, pulled out and nannied for year, then continued college. It was the right solution for me. I was attending a great Catholic college, but it held limited appeal to me because of the limited degrees it offered. My dad told me to stick college out....that I would never return if I quit. But I knew that I wanted a degree and that I would return to college. My parents wanted the best for me, but college isn't always the answer. We have just been programmed to think it is.
So, think outside the box. Let your daughter explore life. Help her find workable solutions: part-time locally, full-time job in the some kind of health field, a year off volunteering. Heck, she can move in with me and help tutor my younger kids!!! Does she speak Spanish?
Blessings,
Stephanie
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Elena
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There is an art to "reading our children." And I guess that's going to be a hard thing to do. But just like we read our babies to know when they need to be fed, diapered and hugged, I think as moms we know when our grown-up kids need something and we have to go with our gut with that.
That all said, i think you did the right thing letting her go back home.
She can take CLEP tests at home and still earn college credit. That will even save all or you money. Just as all kids don't walk or read at the same time, not all kids are ready to leave the home at the same time either.
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glinNC
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We're back, and my daughter is very happy to be back home.
Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers. I am certain it is what got us to the mid-west and back between all those storms! 
Thanks again!
Glin
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glinNC
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As a result of her leaving, we had to leave some things behind ... this is also at the Trading Post ...
Refrigerator is in excellent condition as it was used only one semester. It is the largest (don't remember cubic ft) dorm refrigerator, with freezer, made for dorms. It was purchased at Lowe's for approx. $300. Selling for $75. Must go to Benedictine College to pick up.
Small microwave will be given to purchaser, along with a 5-drawer plastic storage unit, if desired. Please PM me if interested. Thanks.
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Cay Gibson
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glinNC wrote:
SusanMc wrote:
| What does she want to do if she leaves college? |
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She states she would come live at home and get a degree in a computer field via an online college (or go to the local community college.) I used to joke with her about home schooling her through college, and now I wonder if she's taking me seriously!
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My 17 yr old son loves the idea of online college/homeschooling thru college.
Am I just a wee bit worried. 
Prayers that the Holy Spirit leads you and your daughter.
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Cay Gibson
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4Real Forums : High School Years and Beyond
Topic: Kids who don't like college
