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LLMom
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| Posted: Nov 18 2010 at 4:44pm | IP Logged
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Today my 17 year old son said that if he could do high school over, he would go to school. He says he feels stupid, academically and socially. He works in a fast food place and he doesn't get a lot of things the kids talk about. They tend to laugh when they realize he doesn't know what something means. It is mostly derogatory and/or s*xual slang which he doesn't hear on a regular basis. He feels stupid academically because he has always struggled in school. He has special learning issues. This makes me so sad; I feel like a failure. He is my 2nd one I have homeschooled through high school and neither have been a success. My 8th grader will probably go to Catholic high school because I haven't been successful. 
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Lisa
For veteran & former homeschool moms
homeschooling ideas
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Michaela
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| Posted: Nov 18 2010 at 6:04pm | IP Logged
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Lisa, I just wanted to offer a hug  and share that public school doesn't guarantee faring any better academically or socially.
After graduating high school I married (at 18) , worked full-time, and attended college full-time.
There were times I felt like an idiot at work when jokes were told or discussions went over my head. Once...coworkers were talking about someone who had died overdosing on ice. I was so  shocked to hear about all these people overdosing on ice. How is it possible???? How much ice did they eat? I went home and talked to my DH who explained it to me.  
Plus, I still don't get jokes....I'm wayyyy too serious.
ETA: It seems that "the grass is greener" syndrome can happen with anything. I find myself wishing my parents had homeschooled me because I think public school contributed to me being a shy introverted person. when I look at my children, I wonder if homeschooling contributed to them being...shy introverts (insecure about the outside world?).... homeschooling gets the blame for everything because that's what we are doing.
big hugs to you....
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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Willa
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I think most kids from a good home feel like that sometimes -- that they are "out of it" and not fitting in with the crowd. I know I did when I was a teen, and I was in school all the way through.
It doesn't have anything to do with homeschooling really, but homeschooled kids probably project it on to homeschooling because that's their background.
I also think it's very normal for teenagers to question their parents' choices for them and to express regrets. Kids that grow up in a small town wish they had grown up in the city, kids that moved a lot wish their parents had settled in one place. Kids from poor families wish their parents had been rich, and so on. But they all have to move on and accept responsibility for their future choices.... not cast the blame backwards. Sometimes the things they thought were drawbacks end up being their strengths in future -- the small town kid grows up with great friends, the poor kid learns to be resourceful and pay his own way... etc.
I don't think there's anything wrong with sending a kid to school but you shouldn't feel like a failure, or second-guess what you did in the past.
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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LLMom
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It is so hard to not think it is my fault. I know it could be many things. My dh thinks part of the problem is lack of friends for our teens. We live in a very remote area. Closest town is 20 minutes away and it is small. Not a lot of homeschoolers there so both of our oldest 2 have been lonely. Our 8th grader is very social and so Catholic school seems like the way to go for him. Thankfully it is a Classical liberal arts school so educationally I think it it great. Plus they use Didache for religion so I am pleased with the Catholicity of it. Thanks for the pep talk ladies.
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Lisa
For veteran & former homeschool moms
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Erin
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Willa wrote:
| I think most kids from a good home feel like that sometimes -- that they are "out of it" and not fitting in with the crowd. I know I did when I was a teen, and I was in school all the way through. |
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This is very true, for myself as well.
At times I have also wondered, "Am I really preparing them for the subtitles, they are so innocent?" And then I remember myself and remember joining the work force and still not knowing, even today I still have to ask dh (sometimes he doesn't know either)
To address the innocence issue, I am now telling dd some of these things myself as she is entering the working world.
Many this is a tough time as they transition, I know I'm questioning myself alot. But I do keep coming back to the conclusion it was the right decision for my children, I just need to make very conscious moves to help in the next step.
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Erin
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Angie Mc
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Many to you, Lisa. And thank you to all who are sharing.
Willa wrote:
| But they all have to move on and accept responsibility for their future choices.... not cast the blame backwards. |
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This is such an opportunity for the strengthening of your ds's character and soul. To learn this lesson now, to take responsiblity now, to become excited about championing for himself now, that's what these transition years are all about. And it is so hard on the young adult in the making as well as all who love and care for them. We're in the middle of their story, wondering what is to come.
I've had to learn a few things the hard way (and I'm still learning, God knows) about this transition. I need to not allow my young adults to be victims. I need to stand strongly against that inclination and shore them up to grab hold of their life. I literally need to fake it at times, being confident for them, being blunt for them, while I cry about my own fears, regrets, and insecurities, into my dh's shoulder, while I privately pray, or as I drift off to sleep.
I have said things like this, "Yes, I didn't watch carefully enough to ensure that you were following the lesson plan. Yet, it is your responsibility to follow the plan." Or, "Yes, it may have helped if I had forced you to practice the piano. Yet, I gave you the opportunity to have lessons as well as a keyboard." Or, "I did the best I could. Did you?" Then I move into something like, "So how can I help you now?" I really work at keeping us all in the present and positively brainstorming about now.
Then I move into serving and cheerleading mode. For example, you or your dh could brainstorm with your ds ways to redirect conversation at work. When the conversation has turned south your ds could...ignore it...leave the area...start a conversation with someone who isn't involved...have some quips ready...initiate conversation before other topics get started, etc. Talk about a real life skill that will pay off big time down the road! It's all about confidence in oneself and God's perfect plan for you!
Stay strong, sister! You have done your job (and I dare guess that you did it more than good enough  ) and now pray, pray, pray to trust in your ds and God's perfect plan for him .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Bridget
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Lisa, your Catholic high school sounds like a great option! But don't write off your teens high school years at home as failures yet.
Last night I was talking with a friend who has had a few of her kids not finish their homeschool programs at all or just had issues and needed to find their way. It's been a painful challenge to say the least. But all those young adults now seem to be settling into college, careers and marriages much more successfully than one would have predicted when they were in their upper teens.
Just thought maybe that would give you some hope...
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Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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Chari
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Lisa....
I am praying for you. I wish I could add to the advice.....but between exhaustion and root canal recovery.....I am too tired to think.
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Chari...Take Up & Read
Dh Marty 27yrs...3 lovely maidens: Anne 24, Sarah 20 & Maddelyn 17 and 3 chivalrous sons: Matthew 22, Garrett 16 & Malachy 11
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guitarnan
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Lisa, my son (18) feels as though he should have perhaps been more "in" the world, but he never did want to go to a traditional high school because (cue ironic music) he didn't want to be "in" the world quite that much. Last year (senior) he was very bothered by the idea of transitioning to college because he felt un-savvy and set apart. This year (first full-time year at community college after a couple of classes last year), he's far more confident. He is not shy about talking with professors and is working with peer project teams. He doesn't say as much about missing out on (what? bad language? references to illegal substances?) anything.
Success is measured in so many different ways. I think that your son is very mature, to be able to look at his situation and reason along different paths. He's also a responsible citizen (works hard at his job and at getting along with colleagues). He's completely successful, I think, because his maturity level is very well-developed.
My dd (12) mentioned traditional high school to me a couple of months ago, but we really could not function as a family with dh's job situation (long hours, mega-travel), ds in college and dd in so many dance classes/performances if I had to return to the work force to pay for tuition. She wasn't happy to have to rethink her high school plan, but it boiled down to deciding whether school flexiblity to accommodate dance or dance flexibility to work with rigid school schedules would work best for her
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Aagot
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Lisa,
I felt the way your son does even though I went to school K-12. Would it be possible for him to work somewhere other than fast food? Some place with older workers who aren't prone to gutter talk or with teens who have higher goals. As soon as he sees that not everyone needs to talk trash to be included and that not everyone will laugh at him for not understanding something, I am sure he would feel better about himself.
As for success... well, will he be ready for heaven? will they?
prayers for you all,
Aagot
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Kathryn
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Hi...sorry I didn't have time to read everyone's reply but I went to public school K-12 and I felt the same way socially as your son mostly in regards to not understanding the innuendos and such. However, that's not a failure on your part...I think that's protecting your child from the garbage of this world. May be he's not the in the best environment...do you really want him to know this stuff? I always remember the saying that it's easier to slide very, very fast down the mountain than to climb back up and it sounds like his current influences are pulling him down very quickly.
In regards to academics, only you can know if sending him to school might have made things easier. And you can only pray and decide what will be best for your 8th grader.
I think 17 is just a very hard age. My oldest is almost 12 so I haven't been there as a parent but I sure remember when I was that age. I wonder where we'll go with mine as they get older which is why I guess I entered this "teens wishing school" question anyway.  I wouldn't beat yourself up too much. Just think of these as experiences to talk with him...at least he's talking to you about it and that's a sign you're a great mom that he's so open to you. Would it have been the same if he was in school all day, every day being more influenced by his peers?
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4Real Forums : High School Years and Beyond
Topic: teens wishing school
