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Leonie
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Recent discussions have lead me to ponder teens and good habits.
Charlotte Mason had much to say on establishing good habits in children. Habits are like the ruts in a path from a wheelbarrow going down the same trail again and again. As time goes on, it becomes increasingly difficult to run the wheelbarrow outside the rut, but the wheel will always run smoothly down the well-worn rut in the path.
What good habits have you noticed that your teens exhibit? How did these develop?
And what good habits do you think are important for teens to develop?
One thing I have noticed in my current four teens is their helpfulness. It seems natural for them to help clear up after ameal, help carry in groceries, see a load of laundry that needs to be hung out and so will hang this out on the line.
Hoe did this develop? I think years of just working together, everyone pitching in to help,discussion/lists of this/this/this needs doing who wants to do what, followed by the family doing jobs en masse.
Other habits , like daily study for example, are not so well developed in these teens.
Care to share your teens and habits?
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Leonie in Sydney
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Willa
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| Posted: Jan 13 2009 at 9:51am | IP Logged
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Leonie wrote:
What good habits have you noticed that your teens exhibit? How did these develop?
And what good habits do you think are important for teens to develop?
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My teens are usually quite willing to help if asked. They don't generally pitch in to help just spontaneously. I suppose it's probably because when they were growing up we didn't really have the kind of discussions about everyone pitching in as you say you did. They do sometimes start a housework project on their own -- my daughter will shovel the deck occasionally or my son will pretty consistently bring in wood for the stove without being asked.
With the groceries- they automatically show up when we pull up with a loaded car, and take everything out and put it away. Their dad worked with them on this several years ago during our busiest season of life and it stuck.
They've always been great about getting themselves awake and/or ready for places on time with all their gear (sports, musical or whatever) in place. Somehow they learned this on their own. I never really had to say anything; I think possibly because they were homeschooled and not overwhelmed with a lot of "have to get there on times" when they were younger, they take deadlines and appointments seriously. Maybe? It's hard to tell.
Let's see, things I wish were better -- picking up after themselves -- EVERYONE in the house seems to drop things after us and so the house is always cluttered. I guess that's a family thing.
IT would be interesting to discuss how teens differ from children. I think Charlotte Mason talks about older kids and how the habit-forming has to be more their own effort.
I would have trouble making a list of habits teens should develop. I suppose to be VERY general I like to see the kids to some degree developing their own "style" of habits. You know how you teach general handwriting and then eventually the child develops a unique form of his or her own. I like to see that with teens and young adults, too. I like to see them in the habit of noticing and working on their own weaknesses. I expect a lot of this goes on in an interior way and you don't always see the results right off.
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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Leonie
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| Posted: Jan 13 2009 at 4:31pm | IP Logged
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Willa wrote:
| [ I like to see them in the habit of noticing and working on their own weaknesses. I expect a lot of this goes on in an interior way and you don't always see the results right off. |
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I think so. I know one son told me recently that he has been working on listening to otehrs, realised he tended to do a lot of talking and not much listening. Now, this was interesting to me because I saw that he had developed from a child that had mum being an instigator of good habits to a teen who was reflecting and changing interiorly.
I was wondering what lead him to this reflection, a good habit in itself. Was it maturity, was it all our years of choosing things to work on during Advent and Lent and discussing and encouraging this work?
But I still need to remind my just turned 16 year old to do some maths a few days a week. Intellectualy, he knows it fits his university goals. But he finds it hard to make himself do it. My 17 year old has developed more self motivation wrt such study. And I am an unschooler at heart so don't want to force it but would also like to see a habit of study develop.
As you said, good habits and their development look different for teens than for younger children! 
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Leonie in Sydney
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Willa
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| Posted: Jan 14 2009 at 12:53pm | IP Logged
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Leonie wrote:
| But I still need to remind my just turned 16 year old to do some maths a few days a week. Intellectualy, he knows it fits his university goals. But he finds it hard to make himself do it. |
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In that way, he's not so different from some adults -- including the one typing here.
I guess little kids don't always understand WHY things are good, like washing your hands after you're outside, so parents train in habits that the kids can just do without reflection. In fact as CM says, for little children the effort of decision causes strain.
But teens are in a different place. I know that when I was a teen I knew some things were right, intellectually, but I couldn't make myself internalize it. Usually there's a mental obstacle of some kind -- fear, boredom, whatever. For teens who KNOW they ought to do something but have trouble actually doing it I think the strategies are close to those that adults would use -- trying to figure out what's standing in the way; getting some accountability from outside in some way; developing strategies for breaking things down into manageable bites; motivating myself by some fun little reward. Those are some things that work for me.
My oldest knew he had a tendency to be absentminded so he'd take his watch out of his pocket and lay it on the table. Seeing it would remind him of what he needed to do. He buys Skittles and sugary candy for himself exactly once a term -- when he is studying for finals. The sour chewy candies help keep him going (I do the same thing when I have to drive for a long time; it keeps me focused for some reason).
Several of my kids ask me to help them stay accountable -- or find a friend or group to help them stay on task with something.
And then, sometimes I DO provide accountability if a child seems to need it. My almost 16 year old needed some supervision when he first started school in order to finish his homework -- not so much supervision but just someone to sit down with him and help share the burden of getting it done. I made a space for him at the table with good lighting, and I'd sharpen pencils for him and have paper available and stand on call in case he had questions. Now he just sits down and does it as soon as he gets home; it feels weird that I don't have any of the ownership anymore.
I'm not trying to say I have it all down, just mention a couple of things that seem to have worked. I'd love to hear more of what you think works for teens, Leonie... or anyone..... I do admit I have a difficult time confronting a teen directly about something. I usually go for the indirect route. This often DOES work because teens don't like being challenged head-on any more than most adults do -- but sometimes I think I let some things slide because I don't really want to go head to head.
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Willa
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Leonie
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Willa wrote:
| -- but sometimes I think I let some things slide because I don't really want to go head to head. |
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I think I let things slide simply because I feel too busy or tired or because I like everyone to be happy. To be The Brady Bunch. So, I don't want to rock the boat by talking about changing a habit, developing a good habit.
I am trying to work on perceiving teens as good, with good intentions. So, instead of looking at habits that are less than good, looking at all of us in the light of our good habits. Treating the teens well. I know that I, personally, often work at something more when I am working in an atmosphere of people being positive and accepting.
But I don't want this to be a cop out on my side, either. 
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ALmom
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I think the thing that has helped me and my teens the most recently is to spend some time really reflecting on their individual personalities - what motivates them, what tendencies come naturally and which are a result of much prayer and effort. How do they learn. I finally understood that all my reading aloud from devotional books was not very helpful to the other members of my family who are big picture, very visual folks and not helped by a preponderance of words to reflect on. They just simply didn't get all the "insights" I thought the book had and sometimes thought I turned everything into a lecture. Now they understand that I cannot "small talk" very well and really was excited about these things - not just trying to have a new lesson. I'm always making connections between one thing I read and another from a very divergent subject. Words help me meditate. I understand that other things and ways are more helpful to them in their spiritual life.
.... I am learning that my dh desire to put up the Christmas tree early in Advent is not because he doesn't want to celebrate Advent, but because he is extremely visual and finds the symbols on our tree or singing Christmas carols a great reminder to slow down and reflect. He really needs the visual - and so do most of my other children. I can still read my "words" whether the tree is up or not and we were certainly save certain things for Christmas to meet my symbolic needs but the majority of my family need extremely visual reminders. Now that the teens are teens and older, conversations help us to help each other grow spiritually and intellectually.
Sometimes the teen I thought most in need is the one who has worked very hard and made huge progress. It is just that it also happens to be the child that has such different tendencies than my own, that I haven't always understood the intense effort. It would be like a child with a very easy, steady temperment looking at me and only seeing the emotional outbursts I still do have and not realizing the lifetime it has taken to get to where I am at the moment and the monumental effort it will take to get to the level they are at without much effort.
It has also helped me see the tremendous witness of respect, obedience and love our children have shown us and how many actions I thought helpful were in fact stumbling blocks they had to overcome with God's grace. I'm in awe of the way God has worked despite me and not just using our authority as parents.
One thing I do remember is how forgetful my teens suddenly became in the early teen years. My teen who was a neatnik was suddenly leaving used kleenex under the bed. I think being matter of fact and requiring them to come back and get their own mess much like you did when they were younger - no battles, no anger, just matter of fact this must be done before some other thing requiring your assistance. With some this is ongoing whereas others seem to quickly snap back to the habits formed in childhood.
These same teens, however, were tremendously thoughtful about pitching in and helping with anything from child care, errand running, dinner planning and preparation and any numerous other kindnesses. They were compassionate and understanding in conversations and a delight to be around. They had their own deep sorrows and each had special gifts that they generously shared with all of us, while at the same time unique struggles.
I am no expert on virtue formation. I think my teens are teaching me. I just recently realized you don't try to work on everything at once .
Janet
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Willa
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ALmom wrote:
| One thing I do remember is how forgetful my teens suddenly became in the early teen years. My teen who was a neatnik was suddenly leaving used kleenex under the bed. I think being matter of fact and requiring them to come back and get their own mess much like you did when they were younger - no battles, no anger, just matter of fact this must be done before some other thing requiring your assistance. With some this is ongoing whereas others seem to quickly snap back to the habits formed in childhood. |
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Hmm, I have a similar situation going on here. I shall have to try this. The teenager in question has a lot going on in his life right now so I've been letting it go but on the other hand in the long run I don't want him going through life not noticing the extra work he is making for other people. I have a feeling that a few reminders will probably help him refocus; anyway, worth trying. Thanks!
I like the way you look at what's going on behind the behavior. One thing that I observe too about habits is that "poor habits" usually have reasons behind them. Understanding the reasons helps with the solution, or so it seems.
The story about the tree is very interesting. It shows that sometimes a domestic concern becomes trickier simply because the people concerned come to conclusions about a certain thing.
One example I can think of from my own childhood is my mother getting angry at us because she was cleaning up and we were basically just picking our feet up out of the way of the vacuum and thinking that was enough help : ). She thought we were old enough to realize she was working and needed some help. We WERE old enough but we weren't thinking that way at all, so we felt unjustly treated -- we would have been willing to help if we knew she felt burdened, or so we thought. (It did teach me though in the long run that people who aren't complaining aren't always happy, and that I need to communicate when I think other people should pitch in!)
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Willa
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Leonie
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ALmom wrote:
| I am no expert on virtue formation. I think my teens are teaching me. I just recently realized you don't try to work on everything at once .Janet |
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Love it. And I definitely agree! 
I tend to see everything that needs doing and want to jump in with two feet. Like today. After work meetings, while waiting for someone to pick me up, I started to make a list of things I want to do - for work, fitness, money, family.
I was overwhelmed, too much going on.
Then I shortened each list to one or two ( okay maybe three!) things in each area - and you know what? When it came to family I ended up realizing that I needed to work on me and good habits and hopefully model and enthuse the teens.
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Leonie in Sydney
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4Real Forums : High School Years and Beyond
Topic: Teens and habits
