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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: March 05 2007 at 6:20pm | IP Logged
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I know this is an oft-addressed topic and I'm sorry to repeat it but the neighbor's daughter has been filling my dd's head full of happily-ever-after stories of school and I've been, once again, hearing the dreaded:
"I want to go to REAL school." 
She was just on the phone with M and I overheard her squeal, "Really!!! Oh, I'd love to go to school and do that."
I didn't say a word but dragged myself to the computer, hoisted myself into my chair, and began beating out this SOS to all of you. 
It has left me almost paralyzed for a week now and I'm left feeling un-creative, unworthy, and un-happy. 
I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I do. I figure if:
*I was doing a better job she wouldn't be asking to go.
*I was more fun, she wouldn't be asking to go.
*I was more creative she wouldn't be asking to go.
*I didn't have a computer she wouldn't be asking to go.
Instead, if I was all these things, she'd be filling her friend's head full of happily-ever-after stories of homeschooling.
I did try the "be submissive to dh and ask his opinion". He supports hsing about 95%. That's a pretty good record but he also comes from the mindset that we both went to public school and didn't turn into heathens. That's the other 5%. We've also had our older dc in and out of school (we let them have an input into their schooling for high school) and they seem to be put together better than we were at their ages. Dh hasn't quite figured out that this is a whole lifestyle issue.
He just says, "Oh, let her try it a year. If it doesn't work out she can come back home."
Yeah, but what if it does work out!!!! What if she does think it's a blast? What if it is funner than mom and home?  That's what I dread. 
I made a decision when my oldest ds came back home to complete school that we were hsers and that is how it would be. We weren't going to have this back and forth business about schooling outside the house.
Now this...
This happened last February too. I'm wondering if it's a seasonal problem. I remember the date well because we were at our hs Valentine party at the park and I was able to talk to a friend about it. Shortly after our talk, things died down and Chelsea was a happy camper once again. Exactly a year later it has reared its ugly head.  I guess kids go through a February Funk too. 
My 13 yr old has no wish to go to REAL school. The family thinks he isn't motivated.  My 5 yr old stood by, placed her hand on my arm and said, "I'll stay home with you, Mommy." The thought of her having to stay home all day with me without her life-long companion here with us just breaks my  .
She and Chels play great together but they are also fiercly competitive. Chelsea tells me, "If I go to school all day, I'll be a lot nicer to Annie when I'm home." Just stab my soul already, why don't cha.
So, I'm your child and I want to go to REAL school. What would you say to me? I need guidance. After all these years and after many decisions, I still need guidance and advice.
Thank you all for listening and for prayers for the next [ five months  ].
__________________
Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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Bridget
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| Posted: March 05 2007 at 6:33pm | IP Logged
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"I understand why school might sound great to you, but mom and dad have decided that homeschooling is best for your soul, which will live forever. So we are going to keep homeschooling. But lets talk about what your friend is doing in school that sounds fun to you. Maybe we can come up with some ideas for us at home!"
It's not you, she just thinks the grass is greener, that school is one, long social event, and is a child, hence she has childish judgment. Cay, you are one of the most fun and fabulous homeschooling moms ever! Don't let this bamboozle you.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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chicken lady
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| Posted: March 05 2007 at 7:01pm | IP Logged
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I think Bridget is nail on 
Cay you are an inspiration to many, I find your energy, and creativity amazing. This is just one of those funks we all go through....check your cycle it may be related I know that often happens to me. Also rest in God's mercy, know that you, do know what is best for your children, she just hears the romantic version of schooling. You know all this, you will feel better in a couple of days! In the time I promise to pray for you, hang in there, I love you dear friend!!!
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Mary G
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| Posted: March 05 2007 at 7:09pm | IP Logged
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I know my SIL went through this a few times with her oldest -- so she let her "shadow" each time at the school of her choice. Sarah HATED it! Couldn't do what she wanted to do when she wanted to do it....the kids were so disruptive...the classes were boring....yada yada yada!
Maybe it might be worth it to let her try it for a day -- a normal day, not a fun day when they're doing field day or a field trip -- and maybe, just maybe, it would be better for her. Maybe that's the Cross for you to bear -- but I'd put money on it that she won't be as thrilled when she's actually there.....
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MaryG
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my website that combines my schooling, hand-knits work, writing and everything else in one spot!
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mrsgranola
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| Posted: March 05 2007 at 7:30pm | IP Logged
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Mary, how do you go about shadowing at a public school? I'd like for Jacob to do that just to show him a thing or two.
We really want him to go to that local Catholic classical high school I told y'all about before but he says he doesn't want to go. He doesn't want to do ANYTHING lately, really, hence my frustration day in and day out. I hope this is just Spring fever starting or something for a short spell...but this spell has lasted a few years now! He's just monopolizing my energy.
Cay, maybe we should trade children a while. I can find lots of cool stuff for girls to do around here who homeschool but the boys are just another story.
I really need to do something to motivate Jacob to not be so lazy. I wish the child labor laws weren't so stringent... that sounds crazy to some but I'd love for him to go work a week or so with my dad and brother farming but he's too young (13). Maybe they could call it "job shadowing"?  I want them to work his rear off and show him what real work is...
Enough of my tirade... Cay, I could only WISH I did all the cool stuff you do with your kids...
Love,
JoAnna
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Carole N.
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| Posted: March 05 2007 at 7:35pm | IP Logged
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Cay, you are the tops! You have inspired so much fun learning in my home. I also think that Bridget is right on. Kids are kids and are influenced, sometimes to easily, by their peers. You know what is best for your children, and it is not the version of school she is hearing from her friend. Stick to your guns. And remember the goal is Heaven!
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Carole ... in Wales
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lapazfarm
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Cay, I think Bridget gave you the perfect response. You are the adult and have made the decision to homeschool for all the right reasons. Just because Chelsea's little friend is trying to impress her by painting a rosy picture of her school day does not need to be a reason for you to abandon your convictions. Chelsea may waver, but you must stand strong for her. Be the rock she needs in her time of doubt.
And I think you are right about kids having a february funk just like we do. And why not? They are human, too! This may be a good time for you to change it up a bit by either relaxing and offering more choice, OR by tightening control up a bit, whichever you think she needs from you right now.
Hang in there. I know it sounds trite, but she WILL thank you some day. Some day she will realize just how very blessed she is to have you for a Mom and teacher.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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teachingmom
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| Posted: March 05 2007 at 11:44pm | IP Logged
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I just have to tell you, Cay, that you made my day by writing this. Now I can feel like I am in very good company when I hear something like this around here every so often. 
And for what it's worth, my usual answer is very close to what Bridget wrote.
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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JennyMaine
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| Posted: March 06 2007 at 5:19am | IP Logged
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Well, I think that many homeschooled kids go through this. The flip side is that we've had children who tell us they wish they could be homeschooled, too, but have begged their moms and been told "no." So, the curiousity/jealousy works both ways.
Bridget's response is great, and I've memorized a similar one for use in my own home. I think that because I've made it clear that it isn't an option, they don't long for it anymore. My daughter has one friend who shares glowing school stories, but she also shares some not-so-good ones. That's enough for my daughter to get the bigger picture.
Perhaps your daughter's friend would love it if your daughter were to join her at school, so she tells only the good parts of school in hopes that your daughter can join her? And, let's be honest -- there are lots of fun things that happen at school. There are also lots of horrible things that lead to loss of faith. . .that's why some of us homeschool.
Please don't think that you have to be super fun at home in an effort to make her happy -- that puts a lot of pressure on you and even on her (the pressure of "Mom wants me to pretend this is more fun than going to school would be.") Forging a lifelong, meaningful relationship with her isn't always going to be fun and neither is educating her. Think really hard about your own educational experience? Was it always fun, or was it mostly drugery with an occasional field trip or project thrown in? When did it become work and not fun? (For me, that would be 5th grade on). Really stop and think about the reality of school (oh, be sure to remove your rose-colored glasses first). It isn't all fun.
And I have a different suggestion for you. I work p.t. at my local high school, and I have new insight into the current h.s. culture. I recommend not that your daughter shadow at school. . .but that you do. If you want to take on the responsibility of sending her there (or dh does), than I suggest one of you volunteer there five to six times over the next month while you pray about the decision. Then you'll know if it's really a place where you want her to spend the majority of her time. Then you are making an informed decision.
Finally, it sounds from your post that the entire family is on the discussions regarding the school/homeschool decision? I recommend being careful about that. If the decision is ultimately up to you and your dh, you probably want to discuss the matter privately.
__________________
--JennyMaine, Mom to Catherine (17) and Sam (15) "The countenance is a reflection of the soul. You should always have a calm and serene countenance." -- Therese of Lisieux
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msclavel
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| Posted: March 06 2007 at 7:31am | IP Logged
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Cay, I think everyone has given great advice.
I just want to add that you are terrific, creative wonderful mom. It comes across in the blog (I'm remembering the don't turn around, we're not done with the surprise post.)Catholic Mosaic breathed new life into our schooling and faith this year.
Stand firm, this will pass.
Praying for you.
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Paula in MN
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Cay, I heartily second (third-fourth-fifth?) Bridget's response. The grass is always greener, and you and your dh have made the right decision.
YOU are so inspirational to me...if you think you're not doing a good job then I truly need to send my kids to public school and go back to working full time.
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Paula
A Catholic Harvest
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Mary G
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Joanna,
If you want to have yourself or one of your children "shadow" at a school, contact the principal and sound them out on it. Explain the situation -- that they're homeschooled but would like to try school, blah blah blah.
If the principal is a true educator, they will think this is great and work it out for you; if not, then you probably don't want your kids to go there anyway....
I understand completely that the parents are the ones in charge, but sometimes a tradtional school is BETTER for a student. My older two especially thrive in a school environment and don't do as well just at home....but then my younger daughter, Maggie, is SOOOOO shy and gets so upset it would be an emotional nightmare for her to go to school -- either they'd be too hard on her or too soft. Either way would be a disaster.
Cay, you might also want to think about the fact that Chels is the youngest and may just be trying to do something different from her siblings. Maybe you could squash this desire by getting her in her own activity - a book club, or gymnastics or something that no one else in the family is doing....
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MaryG
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8kids4me
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| Posted: March 06 2007 at 8:03am | IP Logged
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Cay Gibson wrote:
She and Chels play great together but they are also fiercly competitive. Chelsea tells me, "If I go to school all day, I'll be a lot nicer to Annie when I'm home." Just stab my soul already, why don't cha.
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The first time I homeschooled, and pulled my oldest out of public school in the middle of 8th grade, he became NICER to his siblings. The stress of being in school all day made him a bear when he came home. Within a week I had my sweet son back. I will keep you and yours in prayer.
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Cindy B, mama to 8 great kids, and 5 grandbabies!
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bfarmmom
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Such great advice and encouragement. I just want to add. Friends of ours are going through the same thing right now with their daughter and they told her that school is not an option. They are a homeschooling family and that is how the children are to be educated. Period. Well she stopped her begging and settled back in. I think if they know there is some indecision they will try to wear you down. Remain strong in your convictions.
I have not had to go through this yet so take what I said for what it is worth. You are not the reason she wants to go to school, it is the "socialization".
I will be praying for you.
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Peace,
Kirsten
ds13,dd12,dd10,ds7,dd6, dd 4, ds 2
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mom3aut1not
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| Posted: March 06 2007 at 9:18am | IP Logged
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Cay,
You are a great hs mom, and you have gotten lots of good advice.
It *is* really common for girls that age to want to go to school. My oldest (now 24) and I used to fight about it. She thought she would be much happier going to school, but then she realized -- after a couple of years-- that she wouldn't. The other two are on the autism spectrum and got tollok at school during SLT and had no interest in going. (It's also common for hs girls to go through a slump at 16; all three of mine did and our Clonlara contact told me it's common.Sigh. At least we are past that.)
In Christ,
Deborah
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Sarah in SC
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Cay, I could have written your post yesterday. I think I may have, over on the FIAR boards, as a matter of fact.
It's my just-turned-6-social-butterfly that thinks she wants to go to "a place" for school. And my husband is right there with yours...only I'd place mine at about an 85% instead of 95%. (He went to Catholic schools Kindergarten-High School, then onto Catholic universities.) And I don't think I'll *ever* win him over to the homeschool "lifestyle" -- he's had too many local examples of what he (and I must say, I can totally understand why he sees it this way--we've had some real doozy experiences here) considers homeschool "wackos" --he'll never totally buy into the idea that homeschooling is THE best educational option. Just one of them. So when he hears this child talk of "going to school," he's not the one ending the conversation, to say the least.
Yesterday was HORRIBLE. The child talked about it nonstop til I thought my head would blow OFF my body. Throw in the 8 month pregnant hormonal reaction, and I spent most of the day in the bathroom crying. I finally emailed my husband & asked him to please deal with it when he came home, because I just couldn't do it. And yes, her impression is that school is an 8-3 pm party, with all her friends in one big playing marathon.
Last night around bedtime, she brought it up with him, while I listened quietly from the kitchen. He, to his credit (smart guy...knowing the 8 month pregnant wife is in the next room!), told her that she shouldn't be worrying about school things right now. That she needed to just think about her homeschooling, because that was going to get tougher! and that she needed to think about how to help Mom with a new baby.
So that ought to buy us a couple of months, anyway. She has told me two or three times today that she doesn't want to go to school because she would miss out on her American Girl club, and her tea party club, and she wouldn't be able to have her private dance lessons--all those things take place during school hours. Does your daughter have any activities like that--that you could use as leverage?
Not that you need any...Bridget's response is lovely....as long as it applies. In our case, the dad has other ideas, but is willing to let mom keep trying at this until "it doesn't work for us anymore." He's pretty set on our son attending the Catholic jr. high & high school....at which point I'm sure he's going to want the youngers to follow to the Catholic elementary school. So I'm trying to make the best of what time I have left with them....and trying not to strangle the kid who would have gone THIS year if I'd have entertained the idea.
Prayers and sympathy, Cay. I'm reading the responses here with great interest.
ETA: Just editing to add that your "list" of "Ifs" is exactly what I was thinking yesterday that caused me to sob uncontrollably in the bathroom (so they couldn't hear me!!). I think I went thru that exact list of "how I've failed" before I finally just gave up and decided to let someone less emotional handle it this time.
And I do think it's part of the February/March funk...for all of us. But I still hate it.
__________________
Happy wife to Tom and mama to Mac, 12, Hannah, 8, Rosemary, 6, Luke, now 1! and the 9 little angels that Mary is rocking.....
"What good shall we then do with today?" --Benjamin Franklin
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Nina Murphy
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Cay,
I love you for writing this. It not only shows what a great mother you are but what a truly humble person you are, so that God is able to reach you. You are not "full" of yourself.
But I so understand this right now. I do not want to demean what you are going through, even with all of your years of experience. (Why doesn't that make everything OK?....After 13 1/2 years, teaching 6 children to read....I feel like I'm back to the beginning in some ways, too, having to reevaluate and rediscover the reasons.....) It's a frustrating and humiliating place to be.
We, like you, also need discernment prayers right now. I almost started crying on Tuesday night, questioning our decisions about schooling and started furiously praying to St. Therese to drop roses from Heaven along our path to see what God wanted in terms of these kids and their education and upbringing. (I had one of those days of "comments" by two different relatives...I try not to be so sensitive, I really do.)
"When are you going to do *this* with the kids, and give *that* to the kids and are you sure you're not *stressing* or *impeding* the kids?"....basically: you are depriving and expecting too much of your kids....all at the same time. I am just always scrutinized and found lacking, and then when the kids start complaining or acting disrespectful...oh, ouch, it is so disorienting to the soul! Those are just times when I have to have blind trust and walk through the valley of dry bones. And wait for the fruit to show itself....later.
Are you telling her what I am? Mommy and Daddy are accountable to God for what decisions we make for you, and you have to trust that we only want what's going to be the best for you and bear fruit? Please don't be anxious or restless, just trust the Lord to lead us. ???? I gave that talk the other day. I think it helped calm the nerves, but it still makes me go through sad moments of doubting our judgements (which then I guess is doubting God) when I see the ebbs and not the flows. So, I know how you were (are?) feeling. Just wanted you to know!
I pray for your comfort and encouragement that you are the best she could spend her day with.
Flow, flow on waters! Flow through this time, this valley of dryness!
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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Veronica's Veil
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Cay, although I am new here, I have read many of your posts so far, and have/use Catholic Mosaic, YOU are SO inspirational to me! You are extremely creative and I just KNOW you are an excellent homeschool Mom. Please don't ever doubt that Just wanted to add that. Thank you for sharing all that you do, it certainly helps us.
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Jane Ramsey
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Cay,
I really like the "shadowing" idea, if you get a chance to do it. Those of us who have been "schooled" know exactly how boring and stifling it is, but your daughter has no idea. A little taste of it may just be enough to silence her forever on the subject!
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Sarah
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| Posted: March 13 2007 at 12:19pm | IP Logged
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Cay-
I have a sick baby here so I'll come back to read all the other responses.
I just want to say and others before me probably said the same. . .
Kids are OFTEN unhappy with what they have. They don't know a good thing. At some point we have to just tell them and ourselves, "too bad, this is our life right now, so deal with it!" (not to sound too harsh).
You are doing a fine job. Someday she'll see it. . .
__________________
Six boys ages 16, 14, 11, 7, 5, 2 and one girl age 9
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4Real Forums : Living Learning
Topic: I Want to Go to REAL School!
