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hereinantwerp
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| Posted: Aug 08 2008 at 5:54pm | IP Logged
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My parents, who I am very close to, are very opposed to the idea of homeschooling, also to "welcoming life," eg. when I mentioned tentatively to my mom that I was rather hoping for another baby, the reaction was so vehement---"how can you even think of that? you'll be overwhelmed . . ." and etc. She is normally a very gentle and soft-spoken person, but not on this point!
and the fact is I have been overwhelmed in the past, and I fight to keep afloat now, but I'm doing better and better. I've gone through a lot in the last few years, but I'm getting stronger and more able to live in peace and joy all the time. having children--a close and peaceful family--has always been my dream.
I guess my heart is just really torn, and sad. I am realizing in the past months how much I am really affected by my parents' views and opinions--I had always thought of myself as an independant thinker and have generally acted that way, but now my confidence, or feeling sure of what I know and feel, is just shot!!! My boys are in public school as of January. They seem to be thriving, doing great academically, and basically happier. It's a small and fairly wholesome community here, and the school is an extension of that. My mom is correct in that I am certainly less overwhelmed, and I've had some "space" to pursue some emotional healing that I've needed. But. Again but!! My heart is just in grief. I wanted something different than this! I read the homeschool blogs (maybe I shouldn't but there's a few I really love!) and then sigh--"well, I guess there's always my 3 year old . . .". Is it that I want too much or too idealistically, and just can't settle for "reality"? I continually lift the schooling issue up to the Lord, I know that He knows what is best for my children and will lead us as a family accordingly--my husband feels we might return to homeschooling eventually, depending on what seems best for the boys. But for now, "if it ain't broke . . .". The school here is very good. I have been pleased and surprised by some of the positive aspects, but there have been negatives too. My children have been exposed to attitudes and talk from peers---of course---that is not at all wholesome. Both dh and I see some positives but struggle with what the school ISN'T and never can be--a place where their faith can be trained and affirmed. I guess I just feel very UN-confident on all sides. And, independant person that I always was, I'm surprised how much I really am affected by my parents!! Can anyone relate to this kind of, continual attack, and how it wears you down and makes you question???
Here it is at the front end of the school year and I'm just ITCHING to plan but I can't!
__________________
Angela Nelson
Mother to Simon (13), Calvin (9), and Lyddie Rose (3)
my blog: live and learn
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Anneof 5
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Angela,
So sorry you are going through this but I can totally relate about being so affected by what my parents think about what I do (homeschooling, adopted another race of children later in life, "too Catholic"). My dad passed away almost 2 years ago but my mom still gives her opinion. She is 86 now and I feel badly about it but I feel like I have to keep a certain distance from her to stay balanced. I keep thinking I am a grown woman and I should be over this! In addition she is hearing impaired and seems to get everything I tell her confused even more (the stories she tells others!). I am the child who calls and visits the least of my siblings but she can get me so down. Early in our marriage, dh could tell if she had called during the day by the way I acted when he came home from work. It is still a struggle for me and I know my siblings have issues with her as well but they are all leading more "typical" lives that she approves of. After she turned 70 she told me she was going to speak her mind and didn't care what anyone thought.  Sometimes we just have to keep our boundaries with certain people when they have that affect on us. And some of us (ME!) are just more sensitive about these things. Try to be around those who are more uplifting for you and your choices in life. (ladies on this board)
God bless!
Anne
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leanne maree
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Hi Angela & Anne,
I can very much relate to what you say about family opposition.
We have felt the brunt of this over the last few months. My husbands family have really taken offense at Homeschooling-they are in the UK, and have said and done some very underhanded things to undermine what Homeschooling is all about.
I won't go into details, but this makes me realise just how powerful teaching our own kids is. How much it all comes from God and we need to hold on tight to our beliefs re h/sing.
We only have one to school now, making it rather easy, (once we can get over the damage that was created).
so yes being around uplifting people and supportive people is the only way forward.
God Bless to you both,
Leanne
__________________
God is Love
Leanne
Loving wife to Dermot and Adoring mother to Louise, Kristie, Kieran & Brid
http://leannemaree.blogspot.com/
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hereinantwerp
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| Posted: Aug 09 2008 at 6:24pm | IP Logged
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I DO appreciate the ladies on this board  . That's why I keep coming here though I am not technically homeschooling at this time!
The thing is my mom is not generally like this, (someone who criticizes or gets me down)---it's mostly this one issue. Well, there are a few others, mostly "lifestyle choice" issues. Such as, Dh and I try to live pretty simply, and are not pursuing wealth and building up stuff and earthly security in the way my parents have. I think this is really challenging to them, and they just don't understand it. Dh is in church ministry--I finally told my mom outright to stop asking me "when he will he get a real job and start providing for the family." (In reality, we have a nice big old house, a working vehicle, have never once been hungry or cold, and pay every bill on time--in my mind, well provided for indeed!) My mom also just cannot understand why I would not be chomping at the bit to get out of the house and get a career. For her, that represented fulfillment and freedom. And--maybe this is obvious, but my parents really don't understand the way in which faith is at the center for me. I was not raised in any faith, I came on my own later. To their credit they have tried to be sympathetic and support me no matter what I chose, but that's just different than really understanding. It's always such a relief, and so exciting, to talk with friends who UNDERSTAND--dh and I have many close friends like this. Whereas in my family, as much as they really do unconditionally love me, I often feel like an "alien"!! I find myself just listening a lot and trying to keep my mouth shut . . . which isn't really a lot of fun, and doesn't make for close relationships. They would say we were close!
That to say, I was thinking other day, from the point of view of a parent, I can understand that it would be tough to have a child reject some of the things you are about, or tried to impart into them.
In many ways she is an very supportive parent, and a wonderful grandma.
I think what I have needed to do is really, really figure out what I (with dh) believe, feel and want-----and to be o.k. with that!! I *thought* I did this many years ago, but maybe it was incomplete or something--! Or is 37 a really insecure age, because I feel unsure of a lot of things I used to feel very "black and white" about--!!!
__________________
Angela Nelson
Mother to Simon (13), Calvin (9), and Lyddie Rose (3)
my blog: live and learn
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guitarnan
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I think every age is insecure...we think we're doing what God has called us to, and someone's offhand comment can stop us short.
For me, prayer and saints are the answer to that...reading about those truly courageous people from every age and every continent except Antarctica (homeschoolers are precise!) helps me put my worries in perspective and focus on what is really important for my own family.
One other thought...until now, every American generation has "bettered" itself in material ways. Immigrant parents worked to give their children advantages and security they never had Back Home. After Emancipation, former slaves had more to deal with but were able to follow jobs north and do the same, although it took way too many generations for them to achieve real financial freedom.
Now? Foreclosures, a slow economy and the falling dollar mean that we, as parents, might not ever be as well off as our parents were or are.
Personally, as a military mom, I am cool with that, as I walked into the military life knowing it didn't pay well...but we'll have medical care until 65 no matter what, and that is worth a lot to me.
I think it is harder for my parents to see us driving old cars and scrutinizing electric bills than it is for me to do it. I know it is, in fact. I get tired of being treated like the "poor relation" when I can afford to pay my bills and save a bit for college...but my parents do really support our efforts to keep me at home and your post has made me see how blessed I am.
I did have a career. I've had 10, in fact, all but the last (freelance writer) derailed by Navy moves. Jobs pay bills. Vocations get us to Heaven. Many people I know IRL don't get the difference.
You're right, though, Angela, it's a real blessing to be here and find support, suggestions and kindred spirits. For me, it's made all the difference. I'm not afraid to say why I do what I do, because I know that I am not alone...so many people around the world have made the same choices we have, for the same reasons. It really, really helps to know this.
You know, you are still homeschooling your boys...by bringing them up in our beautiful faith. You're always going to be a homeschooling mom (maybe part time for now) because you took all your promises seriously and are doing your best to live them out. In the end, it will be the example you and your husband set that make all the difference.
I'm thankful your husband is in his ministry career path...I tried it and discovered it wasn't for me, for several reasons, but we need dedicated, long-term lay ministry professionals. I know you all make sacrifices to support his career (not just monetary...how about all those evening activities!) and I want to thank you all for doing that. The harvest will be great, I just know it.
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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hereinantwerp
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thanks Nancy for the encouragement
Oh the ministry path is him--it is sooooooooooooo him! Whatever other job he had, he was really pastoring! He would minister to guys while loading UPS trailers. He was fired from Starbucks for offering to pray for a customer. He was always bringing unusual sorts of people home. All that until we could be in ministry-----what a relief and a blessing for him to be freed to do what is in his heart to do!!!
You know what is ironic--I can remember at 16 making a "vow" (a very immature vow out of anger, because I didn't get my way about something!), that I would marry someone as opposite my dad as I could. And guess what--I did! I remembered this a few years ago and laughed. I don't think my parents will ever understand him (and maybe not me, either), but they do see some of his good qualities (and I try to point these out on a regular basis!). Dh has gotten a LITTLE more financially savvy over the years, but he'll never be ambitious in that way. And I am at rest with that.
But my mom really did grow up in poverty--going to bed hungry, living in squalor, etc. She told me this year that she never once recieved a new christmas present--always something from goodwill. she was #9 out of 11 kids and I think she sees having more than 2 kids as----shackles. I could just label her as materialistic or worldly (and honestly I get a bit frustrated with the constant "new stuff" for the kids), but it's more complicated than that. At the same time I think I'm trying to create the "happy family I never had", despite the stress I grew up with and the way that stress and "overwhelmedness" constantly manifests itself toward my children, despite my best efforts . . . Who can sort it all out??? In the end I believe most of us really do try our best in our limited way, and for the one doing this in faith God's grace "covers the gaps" of our failures----Sally Clarkson has a wonderful quote about this that I have always wanted to pin up.
It really does help to be reminded to see my parents sympathetically, and in the best light. They worry about me because of love for me, at the root. That is not always true of "difficult parents", my husband's mom is something else entirely as at the heart she really does seem to want to tear him down for the sake of tearing him down----but my parents aren't like that.
If we do decide to homeschool again, I think I would want to approach my mom with a "let's agree to disagree"--as in let's just not talk about certain subjects. She could probably agree to that----I think-----!
THank you for your gracious reply too re. the idea of "still homeschooling". I do feel this way, and this is definately my heart. I have seen several ps moms who are VERY involved in their children's education and life-journeys, talking with them, pursuing hobbies together, whatever, I've come to see the two things are not diametrically opposed! I still long to homeschool, but ultimately WILL do what is truly best for the kids, but I posted a different post about that . . .
I'm in one of those "processing times"-----how good it is to "process" with some people who understand!!
__________________
Angela Nelson
Mother to Simon (13), Calvin (9), and Lyddie Rose (3)
my blog: live and learn
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LLR4
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Angela & Co -- I wish I had words of wisdom or comfort. I don't think I do really, but my heart aches for you all.
Criticism and judgements on the life we choose to live, based on our hearts hearing the Word Of God, is hard to take nonetheless; especially when it comes from people who love us or whom we love the most. I always try to keep in mind that those judgements, for the most part, come from love....but also ignorance. They want what they THINK is best for us. Time can be a true gift in that way. (But who wants to wait for approval, really? lol) Also, I know in parts of my extended families, as well as people in general, anything we do differently is taken as an indication that we are judging THEM. Simply by making choices of lifestyle different than theirs, they assume we must think they did NOT make the right choices, or live the right way. KWIM? We personally make our judgements based on society as a whole, and try not to analyze or pick apart the lives and choices of personal families we know.
Nonetheless, unspoken assumptions are made, feelings are hurt, and defenses go up.
I've been blessed in that my mother jumped for joy (well almost...she was in a wheelchair...lol) when I told her we decided to home school. She has since passed away, but it was sweet to have her blessing. My father is very supportive and loving in everything we do, and fortunately spends enough time with us to see all of the good that comes from our simple lifestyle and decisions, particularly in our children.
I am with you. Living a simple life, focused on the purpose and goals of our life is what God wants. An abundance of the most expensive and latest material things are but a distraction from what matters the very most in life. They CAN displace our values if one is not careful.
Anyway....I rambled I guess. I just wanted to say I hear what you are saying, my heart feels it for you, and I can, and will, pray for answers that bring you peace.
__________________
~ Laura
Blessed: Mama to dd{A}13 y.o., and 7 y.o. triplets ds{J}, dd{O}, ds{S} and wife to Michael
Our House of Joyful Noise
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Aug 09 2008 at 7:29pm | IP Logged
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So often how people react to us isn't about us at all.. it's about them.. and what you're doing or being says about THEM.
So, for instance, someone who can't abide living out of town and likes the hustle and bustle of a big city.. just can't imagine why someone (like me) might not only enjoy living in a small town, but would even enjoy living away from town with no or few neighbors and only coming into town say once a week. This is especially pronounced when you're alike in other ways.
Sometimes it's about something we really wanted to do but were convinced was wrong so we didn't do it.. and someone else doing it either has to be wrong or we were and most people will want to defend their own choices.
Sometimes it's not about what we wanted but that choosing something that different from what we chose means we are condemning the other person's choice.
And sometimes a parent might be vehemently against something we want to do because they think in some way that what we want will hurt us (physically, or financially or such) I still can giggle as I shake my head over all the comments we got about what vehicle we should buy when we had 3 kids.. we really wanted to look for a suburban.. we knew we were only in AZ temporarily and our inclination was to go where there's snow so we wanted the 4 wheel drive.. and oh we got opposition.. why? I think because they cost a good bit to keep up.. but we had little time to find a vehicle and we wanted to be sure to get a good one.. so we got a mini-van instead.. and everyone was telling us how that's a much better choice etc etc.. but then, we were visiting and it was snowing and we were goign out to cut Christmas trees and these very same people were saying.. oh you need 4 wheel drive 
Other people just fail to take into account all aspects of your life especially things they don't want to hear. My dh's parents still don't really understand his getting laid off every winter. Every job change dh has had I think that's the first question they ask.. so is this job finally year round. Well in dh's line of work.. it's just not going to be year round.. but the overtime in the summer makes up for the lay off period. And the lay off period keeps burn out at bay. So you wouldn't want to get rid of the lay off period. But to them it means that the job just isn't as good.
So, for instance, it may be, Angela, that your mom is feeling like you're condemning her or going to hurt your health, or might be that she thinks she "knows you better than you know yourself" or she's heard some of the anti-homeschooling rheteric from someone she trusts and she still sees you as a child who's opinion or knowledge just can't quite be trusted. It's not done on purpose but infomation from you just doesn't hold enough weight.
Sometimes if you can find out *the thing* that's causing her reaction you can address it.. but other times you just have to let it roll off your back (and change the subject quickly  )
If you can find out what it is, and need to give information I would suggest finding the info from a source she would see as an authority.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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hereinantwerp
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wellll....I failed to mention this but she is a public school teacher!!
After her last few years with "classes from H---/you know where" you would think she would begin to see this is not the panacea to all problems, but for some reason she doesn't.
the thing about "they think we are judging THEM"--that is so true. That has been so true of just following a way of faith. In my family and extended family, God was the TABOO topic, religious people were crooks, Jesus Christ was a swear word---I feel so self conscious and am seen as "self righteous" for desiring to attend a service on xmas or easter, when really my heart does NOT judge them, I just want to be able to practice my faith-----very sensitive things. My parents have become less hostile over the years and the extended family is no longer an issue, but I still actually prefer to have holidays at home--it's a compromise!!
One tough thing for me is that my mom's fears about my "emotional health" or getting overwhelmed have some legitimacy. There is what I dream of/want---(to be able to welcome babies, to be relaxed with my children), and then there are some realities----I've had some trauma in life that has deeply affected me, I can't just wave a wand over that and change it. I've gotten help and some things are changing, very, very ssslllllooooowwwwwly, which is frustrating to me---I'm not the person, or mother, I want to be. As my counselor said, I need to know my "tipping point". Is homeschooling the tipping point?? I just don't know!!! My mother knows me pretty well, but she does not understand the factor of faith, or that I see welcoming LIFE and ministering to my children as a healing way, not just a draining way! I guess the particular issues get pretty complicated.
And you all are right about how a person will see a situation and react from their point of view. My mother WAS depressed, and was overwhelmed by her children. It was true for her that she couldn't wait for some freedom from us (I wanted to tell her, do you realize who you are talking to here??! ) and she thinks I need the same thing. I experience the same overwhelmed/depressed feelings sometimes (unfortunately  ) but my convictions and point of view are totally different, my ambitions and dreams are totally different---but she can't seem to see that. And I think it does hurt that when I do try to share, no matter how I try to share, it just does not seem like she can hear it, she still sees me from her point of view.
My dh suggested that I listen more to the woman/close friend who is a spiritual mentor to me-----and he was right. Her reaction to the same questions and issues is totally different--wise, but "in faith". But there's something about the opinion of one's MOM, that just means a lot and speaks very deeply------and is very hard to rip away from!!!
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Angela Nelson
Mother to Simon (13), Calvin (9), and Lyddie Rose (3)
my blog: live and learn
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Philothea
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hereinantwerp wrote:
One tough thing for me is that my mom's fears about my "emotional health" or getting overwhelmed have some legitimacy. There is what I dream of/want---(to be able to welcome babies, to be relaxed with my children), and then there are some realities----I've had some trauma in life that has deeply affected me, I can't just wave a wand over that and change it. I've gotten help and some things are changing, very, very ssslllllooooowwwwwly, which is frustrating to me---I'm not the person, or mother, I want to be. As my counselor said, I need to know my "tipping point". Is homeschooling the tipping point?? I just don't know!!! My mother knows me pretty well, but she does not understand the factor of faith, or that I see welcoming LIFE and ministering to my children as a healing way, not just a draining way! I guess the particular issues get pretty complicated.
And you all are right about how a person will see a situation and react from their point of view. My mother WAS depressed, and was overwhelmed by her children. It was true for her that she couldn't wait for some freedom from us (I wanted to tell her, do you realize who you are talking to here??! ) and she thinks I need the same thing. I experience the same overwhelmed/depressed feelings sometimes (unfortunately ) but my convictions and point of view are totally different, my ambitions and dreams are totally different---but she can't seem to see that. And I think it does hurt that when I do try to share, no matter how I try to share, it just does not seem like she can hear it, she still sees me from her point of view. |
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Oh, I am right there with you, I could have written every word of this!
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4Real Forums : Living Learning
Topic: dealing with family opposition and
