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hobbitmom
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| Posted: June 14 2007 at 1:41pm | IP Logged
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I've been lurking and reading here for months now and have been so delighted by all the inspiration and information you ladies share. My computer and paper files are getting fat with ideas! Dh and I are convinced that homeschooling is the best option for our family: dh because there's no good private school nearby, me because I see it as a beautiful way to live, and one that's important to forming the kind of people we want our children to be.
But along with the enthusiasm this board is fanning, there's also a creeping fear that I'm simply not capable of doing it. This dread increases the older ds2 gets. I first admire and then feel overwhelmed by all the different approaches you moms take to educating your kids. I keep looking for the One Right Way -- complete with minutely detailed lesson plans and schedules!  -- and of course there isn't one. My temperament doesn't help, I'm sure -- an anxious, perfectionistic melancholic who is totally lost without a plan, who lives to research and organize information but has a devil of a time actually acting on it. And when I do, I'm dogged by the fear that I chose poorly, and I should have been doing something completely different!
Can any of you identify with this? How have you dealt with it?
There are so many times I come here and leave half-wishing there was a way to give ds to one of your lovely families, to raise him the way I desperately want to but don't know how. I read threads like this one and my normal level of worry over ds' spiritual formation turns to near-despair. (I know, he's only 2 and he's already doomed! ) Neither I nor dh had a strong Catholic upbringing, and so we're very concerned over how to give one to our kids.
Wow, this is quite the melodramatic post, isn’t it?  Sorry!
But I know this constant fear and tension can't be good for ds. Or poor dh, for that matter -- who has said that his one big reservation about homeschooling is his suspicion that it may drive me crazy with worry. (The man knows his wife...) Of course, I think I'd go crazy with worry anyway if we sent ds away to school.
Does there genuinely come a point where one realizes that much as one admires and longs for the homeschooling lifestyle, she is simply not called to it? Am I asking this question way too early, since ds is so young yet?
Thanks for listening. It's a rainy day, which makes me gloomy. Maybe all I really need is some chocolate and a funny movie...
Amy
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JuliaT
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Oh Amy, (((hugs))) to you. I don't think I am able to properly address your fears but maybe I can give you a bit of encouragement. Make a list of the reasons why you want to homeschool. Guard that list well. When the times come that cause you to doubt and worry about whether you are doing the right thing, then haul the letter out and read it over. to remind you that this is the right thing.
There have been many times in the past 3 yrs. of homeschooling that I have wondered if I am doing the right thing. I, then, remember how, when my children were toddlers, I believed that homeschooling was God's Will for us. I firmly believed that if I didn't homeschool then I would be disobeying God. I am then able to see through the fog of doubt and fear that the belief hasn't changed. This keeps me going.
It may take you a few years to find your 'groove' in teaching. Not only do you have to find a way to teach that suits you but you have to find a way of learning that suits your children. This is big and it takes awhile to find it.
As I said, we are now entering our fourth year of homeschooling and I can say with all assurance that we have finally found Our Way to teach and learn. It isn't the Right Way, because that does not exixt. I have taken a bit of classical, CM, TJE, Montessori, unschooling, and Real Learning and have smushed them together to form Our Way. It is working well. Whew!
As you are trying to find Your Way, read lots, ask lots and pray lots. You will find it if you truly believe that you are meant to homeschool your children.
Blessings,
Julia
mom to 3(8,6,4)
http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Juliainsk
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ALmom
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| Posted: June 14 2007 at 4:31pm | IP Logged
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Ok, Amy, maybe I can help, because your description of yourself fits me to a tee and I knew nothing at all when we started.
Start young when just being together is fun, there isn't nearly as much stress until you hit middle school and high school - and you don't have to worry about that now or even make a definitive decision now. When we started, I was committed in my heart for long term homeschooling (another trait of mine, if I can just find the perfect program, things will go great and we can do it all - and if things aren't smooth, I must have failed miserbly somewhere  ) but we told everyone else that it was one year at a time and if I really messed up Kindergarten the teacher in first grade would fix my disasters . Somehow this took the pressure off me so I could do what seemed right to us without worrying about how we compared to ...
The biggest downfall of this personality is overspending (every raved about curriculum must be just what we need to solve the latest struggle, which might be nothing more than a learning plateau). What really makes the difference is the time together to work together and bond as a family, wonderful read alouds, memories of funny projects, crazy mom ideas that flopped ... Concentrate on talking to your dh about what you perceive as the best way to go. Look at it this way - with a 2 yo you have plenty of time to peruse what fits both of you and seems to work.
Now, do I drive myself nuts from time to time - absolutely, yes! I would have driven myself nuts no matter what - but if someone else was doing the teaching, I wouldn't have had to work on my faults to the same degree. That is also where your lovely husband who knows you so well comes in. I have found that if I do all the researching, showing, presenting, agonizing, worrying, etc. in the summer and discuss it with dh, then when he steps forward and takes leadership and becomes enthused about something and says - this is it, well, suddenly the stress just falls away from me. When stress builds, we have to have a debriefing session where I can get out all my frustrations, cry a lot and then we move on with a fresh start. Also, this board is a great place to go for support - something I wish I'd had much earlier.
We have discovered after many years that I need someone to make the final decision as I am too afraid. Indecisiveness on my part translates into trying to do it all at once - with spending way too much money, too much time on planning what doesn't work and too much loaded onto the dc which results in burnout of us all, plus if they discern my indecisiveness, they are insecure - but with dh as the rock behind our school, I can be confident in doing what we need to do. Dh learns to find the way to ask the right questions - what is it about this program that you like so much, why do you feel like you failed the children... and then cuts through all the confusing emotions to a definite plan that suits us all. Then I can run with it and be more relaxed. My husband can usually cut through all the waxing and waining of but what about this and this .... He can look at my "plans" and recognize that they are way too optimistic and cut things back. There is an art that develops where your dh listens carefully to your frustration level, limits, etc. and you find a way to forage a path that works. If your husband clearly defines his goals for your children (and of course you share yours as well) and you express whatever is or is not working, you really will come to a point where you can do it without much of the stress you normally encounter. I think that some of this working together is a marvelous bond for the marriage. With the kind of temperment, you just have to communicate a lot and having someone know what the dc are up to and reassure you that you are doing a good job is helpful.
Also, remember that you don't have to do it all - by the time your children are in middle school, you'll know what is easy for you to work with and what is not. I have found that in my dc strengths, I'm not needed a whole lot once they are reading. In areas of weakness, we have to be more creative. If this is also one of my weaknesses, we do what it takes - including co-op classes, duel enrollment, tutors, trading with another homeschool mom. God really does open doors, just be very, very creative and you will find that the very stubborness that is the cross of this temperment becomes a great gift. You just won't give up even as you threaten to send everyone off to school.
Homeschooling is never totally stress free so don't expect it to be (and this is true regardless of your temperment, your educational background, how experienced you are or how good a job you are doing...), but it isn't beyond the most perfectionist tendencies. Remind yourself that if dc was in school and struggling, the first thought isn't to blame the teacher but to look for a solution to help dc. Perhaps additional practice, another approach, etc. As moms being teacher and mom, we have this conference with ourself and tend to think that every little hiccup is our fault or some major problem. Sometimes it is reassuring to hear someone who has taught and homeschooled tell you they experience the same things in their home - but then remember that 90% of dc in the classroom hit a plateau after ...
Anyways, You really do just learn to let go of those tendencies over time (and you occassionally greet your dh with, Ok fire this teacher and where is the phone book, I don't care where they go - anyone is bound to do this better than me). My lovely dh would listen calmly and ask specific questions about specific courses, schools until it became clear that none of those were good enough either and we'd be back to making our school work.
I've been doing this now for about 19 years, still have tendencies to do too much, overplan, stress, be perfectionist - but it is tons better than our first year of high school. It was smooth sailing in K and elementary until we had dc who just wouldn't read chapter books or struggled to read, etc. It turns out that most of my dc had vision problems so that certainly adds significant strain to the teaching (they don't progress the same way, we always seem behind, etc.) and I didn't know this for several years - but it is something that is not detected in any of the schools around here and most of those dc end up in LD classrooms - so now that I have one in college and others who are doing fine after severe struggles with academics, I'm getting to see what wasn't obvious way back when. Thank God we homeschooled - my failures, handicaps and all!!!
Do the children see me hyperventilating. Yes, absolutely. It provides me with an opportunity to humbly acknowledge that mommy needs confession. I often ask my dc to pray for me - I need it desperately. But, God is good, He does help you work through what needs to be done and He works with us warts and all. We have turned some of my tendencies into family inside jokes. Remember "Hi Ho Cherrio" is a reminder that it is not very helpful to hyperventilate over a missing puzzle piece just because other things are wild or because I'm hitting a stressful point in the school.
It also helps to write out a Why we homeschool type of thing for your own personal benefit. Then when things get tough, you remember why you are homeschooling and it is not to keep up with the Jones'. This has been particularly helpful when you have struggling academics going on.
I learned the faith right along with the children - first poor dd got about 3 different books to do this (all that was available when I started), but she is fine (in college, a faithful Catholic and close to all of us) and we laugh about the whole 2nd grade year. I thought I was homeschooling the dc to protect them fromt the outside influences. God taught me that He wanted us to homeschool as much for my salvation. It also turned out that there were other things going on with my dc that probably would have been missed if I hadn't been teaching them. My powers of observation, and sheer stubborness meant we kept looking for answers when all the "experts" said nothing was wrong. We continue to find things that were so good about homeschooling even in the midst of all the stress (and despite whatever we gave up because of it).
Hope this helps some - and doesn't discourage you from taking the plunge. We wouldn't trade this at all - and still will be at it for many more years with the youngest being 4.
Janet
Janet
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Caroline
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| Posted: June 14 2007 at 5:01pm | IP Logged
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hobbitmom wrote:
an anxious, perfectionistic melancholic who is totally lost without a plan, who lives to research and organize information but has a devil of a time actually acting on it. And when I do, I'm dogged by the fear that I chose poorly, and I should have been doing something completely different!
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Whoa, Amy! Are you me? 
I'm still researching, although I have a plan in my head (my oldest is 3). I'm bouncing ideas off of dh and he tells me what he likes and doesn't. I fully expect to learn along with my kids. I think, and hope, that my confidence will improve with experience. I plan on following a prepackaged curriculum in the early years and tweaking as I discover our learning and teaching styles.
I don't think I was much help, but at least you know that you're not the only one! 
__________________
Devoted Wife to  and Mama to three beautiful boys and another little boy due in September , and two beautiful souls in heaven
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Tina P.
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| Posted: June 16 2007 at 9:02am | IP Logged
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When I started to homeschool, it wasn't some cosmic call from God that led me to it. We were a constantly moving family and I wanted some consistency for my kids. But as I continue, sometimes struggling, I realize that God is whispering that this is the right thing to do. Here's a bit from John Holt/Patrick Farenga's book Teach Your Own that expresses some of why I homeschool:
The idea I hate most about public schools is that they should have my children all day when I feed, clothe, doctor, transport, and care most for them and I am denied those hours with them and the sharing of their liearning experiences. I cannot reinforce their education if I am denied the subject matter they are exposed to and am only left with tired grumps who eat, do homework, and flop to bed.
Unlike much of society, I *like* to be with my kids. I have a daughter at GS camp right now and I'm climbing the walls to be able to support her in all the decisions she had to make, to encourage her when she was less than certain, and to know what she learned there. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I want always to be with them, uplifting them, learning to understand them, and helping them to understand me. *I* want to be the one helping them to learn how to function with and as adults in society. *I* want to support them. It took me years and not a little of my son trying to buck the system (that being me) for me to become nervous about homeschooling. And now, having pushed through that defiance storm, we're all back to enjoying homeshcooling, being constantly together.
Weren't you just in awe the first time your child took his first step? Imagine that awe magnified when he starts to read independently! And it is truly amazing when you realize that they have exceeded your knowledge in so many areas. Like Caroline, we learn *with* our kids. That's a benefit of homeschooling in itself.
Your "melodrama" made me laugh. I am drawn to unschooling, though I've never been able to let go of *some* curriculum ~ language arts and math are my big hang-ups. I have sort of a plan I concocted for this year's catechism. I certainly don't want to cram it down their throats, but I *do* want to give them just a tidbit about which to ponder every day. It's like a vitamin, a daily boost of healthy catechism. I get a bit more intense with our older kids. We've almost finished the St. Joseph's Baltimore Catechism 2. To fill the hole left by it, I intend to use CHC's Virtue Tree (it's incorporated into the Middle School lesson plans).
__________________
Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
Mary's Muse
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hobbitmom
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| Posted: June 16 2007 at 12:53pm | IP Logged
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Wow. Thank you so much, all of you... you're such an encouragement! My in-laws are visiting us this weekend, so I can't take time to properly respond for a couple days, but know that I'm grateful, and your comments do help.
Amy
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Lillian
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| Posted: June 16 2007 at 6:28pm | IP Logged
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Janet,
Your reply was such a big help to me!! We've been homeschooling for 4 years and are starting our 5th. And I still get plagued with doubt although it doesn't stop me from browsing the catalogs!
Its like I know deep in my heart I want to homeschool but am still perplexed with its difficulties. I never thought about the fact that parents don't blame the teacher for kids in school who are having problems. I know I ALWAYS blame myself for every hiccup!! And my oldest has reading issues and that hasn't helped my confidence.
But I feel like we're coming out of the fog and things are becoming clearer. And instead of relaxing I feel myself thinking I should hurry and put them in school while everything is fine before I cause another academic problem! 
I don't normally print out posts because I would have to fill up an entire room with all the good ideas I read. But I'm printing up your reply and also making a list of my own of why we homeschool.
Perfectionism and homeschooling don't go well together. My confessor told me that to continually doubt myself and wish to be like other moms is to say that God made a mistake with me. How reassuring that He knew he was giving an imperfect mom to His children. My priest said had He wanted children raised perfectly, God would have done away with parents and had Angels raise our kids.
So, off I go to pray for more guidance from my Angel!
Great thread!!
Blessings,
Lillian in TX
Isabelle 9
Anna 7
Sophia 5
Kolbe 4
Catherine 21 mos.
Baby due 1/08
Smithflections
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Tina P.
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| Posted: June 17 2007 at 1:37pm | IP Logged
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Here are two excerpts from Homeschooling the Teen Years that have offered me quite a bit of relief:
The "Perfect Curriculum" has not been written. Successful home schools are messy, experimental enterprises ~ miniature learning laboratories, where families try various approaches , keep what works, and discard what does not.
and
Third, homeschooling is a journey. Like any journey to an unkown place, traveleres see both the expected and the unexpected. Amazingly, your homeschooled teenagers will try things you never considered and will even teach themselves. At other times, you will all take a detour while your teens sit outside and watch the clouds roll by for hours or days or weeks. You will cover some subjects well, others poorly. You will have fun and you will be bored.
It is not a perfect journey, by any means. But its destination is determined by you as a family and the journey is designed by you. And it's OK to say, "This doesn't work. Let's change it." Those of us who've homeschooled for several years can testify to the number of changes we've made to accomodate different learning styles. Think of it as an adventure for your whole family. 
__________________
Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
Mary's Muse
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teachingmom
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| Posted: June 18 2007 at 11:30pm | IP Logged
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Amy,
I, too, wanted to homeschool from the time that my children were very young. (OK, dh and I actually attended our first homeschooling conference when I was EXPECTING our oldest. ) One thing I'd recommend is to not worry about the long haul at this point. Homeschooling the early preschool years is fun. I loved doing 5 in a Row with my oldest two girls. Also, although it was easy for me to worry about things when we hit "real" school age, as Janet mentioned, you cannot really mess up kindergarten as long as you are reading good books regularly, doing simple counting and math activities, and beginning the reading process. Some children learn to read in kindergarten (I've got some), but many do not (have some of those too).
If most or all of the homeschoolers you know are online friends here or on blogs, it would be really easy to feel that you will never measure up to what seems like the perfect homeschool. I think it's natural for us to share our successes and highlights in an online atmosphere like this. It really helped me to have other local homeschooling moms as friends. I could see both their strengths and weaknesses and know that my curriculum doesn't have to be perfect and I don't have to be Martha Stewart.
I guess I'm trying to say, "Stop, take a deep breath, and enjoy the early years while prayerfully following God's lead on homeschooling for the long haul."
__________________
~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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Red Cardigan
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| Posted: June 19 2007 at 2:09am | IP Logged
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Wow, this is such a great thread!
I'd like to add one little thing.
We get conditioned in our society to let the 'experts' handle everything. No matter how good we might be at doing something, we secretly think that some anonymous 'expert' out there is better.
It's easy to pretend that the brick schoolhouses are full of competent, energetic teachers and well-behaved, eager-to-learn kids, but we know that's not necessarily the case. Sometimes teachers don't know what they're doing, sometimes the kids are worse than uncooperative, and sometimes a whole day goes by without much learning going on.
Will every day of teaching at home be a good day from the teaching perspective? No. But every day you spend with your children at home is another precious day you get to share your love with them, and that's the best lesson they can learn from you anyway.
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teachingmom
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| Posted: June 19 2007 at 4:49pm | IP Logged
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Red Cardigan wrote:
| It's easy to pretend that the brick schoolhouses are full of competent, energetic teachers and well-behaved, eager-to-learn kids, but we know that's not necessarily the case. Sometimes teachers don't know what they're doing, sometimes the kids are worse than uncooperative, and sometimes a whole day goes by without much learning going on. |
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I have a true story about teachers not knowing what they are doing. My first job was as a teacher in a Catholic high school. I applied to be a religion teacher, but they did not need a new full-time religion teacher that year. But they noticed that one of my college majors was in math and asked if I would be willing to teach technical drawing. I told them I knew absolutely nothing about tech drawing, but would be willing to learn. (My dad and older brother were mechanical engineers and could help me learn, and the former teacher was still local and available for some quick-start tutoring of the subject.) They were desperate and offered me a teaching position. My schedule included one technical drawing class and two freshman religion classes. They filled in the rest of my day with 3(!!!) study halls. It was August and I needed a job, so I accepted.
I kept a few lessons ahead of the students, while teaching myself from the textbook. I felt as if I was faking my way through teaching that class made up mostly of high school seniors. They and their parents had no idea that I didn't know what I was doing.
But it worked! The kids learned and some became very proficient in technical drawing, as did I. It was a great experience for me and gives me confidence even now -- and maybe God was preparing me to homeschool way back then. I learned that I can teach almost anything, as long as I learn along with or a bit ahead of the students.
__________________
~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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momtomany
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| Posted: June 20 2007 at 10:22pm | IP Logged
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Tina P. wrote:
The idea I hate most about public schools is that they should have my children all day when I feed, clothe, doctor, transport, and care most for them and I am denied those hours with them and the sharing of their liearning experiences. I cannot reinforce their education if I am denied the subject matter they are exposed to and am only left with tired grumps who eat, do homework, and flop to bed.
Unlike much of society, I *like* to be with my kids. |
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This rings so true for me!! Before we started homeschooling, I was the "odd" mom who actually loved snow days, school holidays, summer vacations, etc. I actually had teachers comment on how strange I was.
I love knowing what my kids are learning, learning and relearning with them, sharing the joy of discovery with them.
I have a special needs guy. That kind of child will really make you insecure with the idea of homeschooling. But he's blossoming! I have to say that I'm jealous of those starting out right at the beginning with homeschooling. I really wish that I had never put any of mine in school. But better late than never. I'm having a great time!
I would strongly encourage you to give it a try!!
__________________
Mary Ann in PA
wife to MIchael, mom to Elizabeth, Becca, Tim, Peter, Andrew, Sarah, Matthew, John, Leah and Joseph
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4Real Forums : Living Learning
Topic: How to discern a calling to home school?
