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Mom21
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| Posted: Oct 05 2015 at 12:37pm | IP Logged
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My DS is 14, 9th grader. We are really butting heads this year. He is generally a decent kid but our personality differences are really showing this year. I'm pretty organized, focused, directed, etc. He's more laid back. He gets his work done but oh my, the arguments we have had this year. I'm also going through menopause, which adds a whole new dimension to things! 
So I'm just looking to see if you could share your best high school boy survival tips!
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SallyT
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| Posted: Oct 05 2015 at 4:42pm | IP Logged
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Fun stuff! (btdt with both a teenaged boy AND menopause . . . hugs to you)
With my older son (now a freshman/"Rat" at Virginia Military Institute), I granted a LOT of leeway about how he got his work done. Basically I gave him a daily checklist, and as long as he got the work done by the Friday deadline, I didn't care how he scheduled it. I did need to stay on top of him -- and sometimes didn't do a great job of it -- to make sure things *did* get done for me, especially as he started doing outside/dual-enrollment classes (which seemed more "real," so got more time and energy).
I do think it's fairly normal for teenaged boys, especially, to chafe at Mom's direction. That doesn't mean you have to take guff or disrespect -- I would say, "Please try to say that in a kinder tone of voice," but otherwise try to remain calm and also circumvent conflicts by giving him a lot of control over his own work. This particular son was pretty self-motivated and would work on weekends when things didn't get finished during the week (he was also holding down a job for part of high school), but my husband and I wouldn't hesitate to revoke privileges (computer, work hours, etc) if schoolwork didn't get done.
Again, I think the less emotive you can be (and THERE's your challenge, mid-menopause!), the better. If something doesn't get done by a deadline, and you have to levy a consequence, you can just say, "If you don't get your work done by X time, then this is what will happen every time," and then walk away -- you don't need to engage with arguments about what you've decided.
BUT by the same token, if he IS getting the work done satisfactorily, by some agreed-upon end point, even if the process doesn't follow the exact timeline you would have set, I would back off and let him direct himself. I would even make a point of saying, "Son, I really admire your maturity and the way you handle yourself and your work. It's not always the way I would have done it myself, but I'm seeing that I can trust you to see it through."
My older son really, really responded to my trust. The thing he responded least well to was "Mom Is Flipping Out." I'm seeing the same kind of thing again in my (very different) 13yo son -- what he responds best to is my communicating that I respect his maturity and trust him. Of course, when he's not being mature, I will call him on it, and privileges will be revoked, but I try to set a kind of positive bar within his reach: look how you're handling X, isn't this great, I'm proud of you, I trust you to do your best.
They do want to feel like men, and I think that to some extent -- as long as they hold up their end -- it's important to treat them as if they were men, not children. Also, whenever possible, DAD is the person to hand down mandates and deal with any serious attitude. I try to take myself out of the discipline equation as much as possible with older boys. Again, sometimes I do have to call someone on something that happens in the school day, but I do it as calmly and "Un-Mom-Is-Flipping-Out-Ingly" as I can -- and refer the problem to Dad as soon as possible.
Prayers for you. Menopause and anything else is not a fun combination!
God bless,
Sally
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Abandon Hopefully
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Mom21
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| Posted: Oct 06 2015 at 9:25am | IP Logged
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Sally, you are one wise woman and mother! I can't thank you enough for taking the time to share all of these thoughts. I think I really need to work on the "Mom is Flipping Out" thing. Not to blame it on menopause, but PMS was a cakewalk compared to this! I pray a lot for grace and guidance and patience. My son is pretty good about getting stuff done; I think at times I just need to back off.
Our DS is an only child and sometimes I feel he and I have A LOT of together time! He does go to our local high school for a class, which is good for both. Thankfully Dad is very supportive and helpful.
God bless you and your family, too!
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Erica Sanchez
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| Posted: Oct 06 2015 at 1:21pm | IP Logged
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I just came to the conclusion that because of all of my 'flipping out', mostly directed at teenage son, I might be in a pre-menopause stage. It was kind of a relief.
While his schooling (or lack of) has proven to be much different than his two older sisters', the comparing and negative attitude towards homeschooling a high school boy was beginning to weigh on me. Someone once said to me that you can't homeschool a boy for high school and I thought, 'oh, you watch me'. :) Well. It is definitely different and maybe even harder and I've shed a few tears over it, but of course it can be done. Such a learning process, though.
Sally, your advice is spot on. I try so hard to not be emotional and to get dad involved. It is a never-ending thing.
This kid was up all hours writing papers, gathering assessment assignments, etc., so that he could get credit from MODG for his 10th grade year. Turns out he is great under pressure from an outside source. Not necessarily his mother. He is so bright that both of us were feeling sorry we had not given the year a better effort. I am going to have him create a schedule for himself, which is going to include some volunteer hours and such, and then give him a Friday deadline like you mention, Sally. And, get dad involved.
I want to get to a place where the only arguments (discussions) we are having are about things that affect his soul. He wants to dress a certain way or spend waaaaaay too much time on his hair, whatever. I thought the teen girls would be hard in this area. Not so much.
I love this group. Love that last paragraph about men, Sally. Did you read the Apostolic Exhortation Bishop Olmsted put out about men in society, Into the Breach? I started it but it is very long. I plan to have Nick read it.
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Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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SallyT
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| Posted: Oct 06 2015 at 9:51pm | IP Logged
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I really do think some kind of outside accountability is important for many boys -- which doesn't mean you can't homeschool through high school, but there is something, for a young man, about taking all his orders from Mom, that's just hard, and they really do chafe at it. At least, a lot of them seem to. In some ways handing our older son off to his Dad for rides to and from campus every day was a relief -- though he's a nice kid overall, and his sour attitude was really pretty minimal in terms of impact, I was glad not to be nagging him all day. In fact, I probably under-nagged . . . and often what he actually did was sort of parallel to what I had actually assigned (he was always reading, buying books, going to the library -- and he did not do nearly as much finished writing as his older sister, but fortunately he took classes that required a good bit, so I let that suffice). But it all worked out all right, and he's handling college fine.
One thing I did do was have him keep a list of things he read on his own. That was very helpful in putting together his transcript last year, especially as I hadn't been expecting to put a transcript together last year. He had been lobbying for quite some time for our permission to go ahead and apply to VMI, which was his one college choice, and around Christmas, for many reasons I can't now remember, we said yes, he could apply, and if they gave him money, he could go. My husband's chief reason, aside from the fact that the son had already done something like a third of the entrance requirements for veterinary school as a dual-enrollment student at Belmont Abbey, and that it kind of didn't make sense for him to keep going in that vein, was that the thought of having him hang around for another year in a rotten mood felt more and more like a thought we didn't want to have.
Our first child graduated at 17, and I did not really want to make that our house MO, but this one will be 18 in November, and there he is, at college. I really do think that it was the best decision for all of us -- when I talked to him on Sunday (we don't get to talk much, because "Rats" aren't allowed to have phones, so he called us from the home of his Catholic parish host family), he said, "Wow, Parents' Weekend is in less than two weeks, and I get to see you guys!" Being excited to see us is a NOTABLE change. He seems to be doing well overall, even though the "Rat" life is very challenging, so although it was hard to let him go, we really do not regret our decision.
Anyway, all that to say, I had to put a transcript together really fast, and between what I'd assigned that he'd actually done, and what he had done on his own, which amounted to several courses' worth of reading, was able to make up a pretty plausible four-year program.
Erika, I haven't read Into the Breach. Sounds like I need to! And to add it to the next son's high-school syllabus.
And being through menopause is a relief. It's not a total change from the "going-through" stage, which for me lasted from the time I was 41 until I was 45, at which point I was finished having cycles -- early, kind of devastating, and VERY emotional! If it's any consolation, I am healthier and feel much better at 50 than I did at 45, so hang in there and take care of yourselves!
God bless,
Sally
PS: Physical training really helps boys, too. We don't really do team sports, but Joel started running when he was 13 or 14, got into mud racing via a class at the Y, and did triathlon training with a local running club. His getting up at 4 a.m. to run with the club showed us that he *did* have some self-discipline! It was just good for him in lots of ways, as a physical outlet, but also as a social outlet, even though he was the youngest runner by at least 25 years. Many of the older men in that group are just really good men -- not Catholics, but devout Baptists, Methodists, whatever, pillar-of-the-community people. Several of them were at the Boston Marathon the year of the bombs, and I was very touched by Joel's anxiety and concern for their safety. They loved him, took him right in, and really got him to challenge himself in his running. He's not a natural athlete, in the sense of being coordinated (apparently *marching* at VMI was hard!), but the example of the other runners really stretched him, and that was a very positive thing in his life.
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Castle in the Sea
Abandon Hopefully
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4Real Forums : High School Years and Beyond
Topic: Teenage Boys!!!
