| Author | |
JennGM
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 17702
|
| Posted: March 10 2015 at 4:48pm | IP Logged
|
 |
|
I'm having terrible struggles with my youngest.
I'll back up to say the past few years have been very hard because so much focus has been on my health and recovery, I have low energy and have failed in developing good, attentive, disciplined boys. I'm very discouraged.
But my youngest, who is 7, is my biggest problem. It's an everyday battle of resistance on everything. His default word is "no." And that is for everything, even for fun.
I'm just worn out trying to get schoolwork on a daily basis. I am seriously considering school for him because I just feel completely defeated. I just don't have energy to come up with ideas or a new program or keep Reinforcing.
You are looking the agony of defeat. I have not been in depression or winter blues, just looking at reality and seeing I'm not making any inroads with my son.
I could use some advice. I'm sure I'm not the first one to have one like this.
__________________
Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
CrunchyMom
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 03 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 6385
|
| Posted: March 10 2015 at 5:43pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
 Jenn
I'm just brainstorming here, so forgive me if these are bunch of disconnected thoughts.
Seven is still pretty young. We've been listening to Farmer Boy, and they did not start formal lessons until 8 or 9. Granted, they were learning discipline in other ways through chores on the farm and such, but I do think that there is likely some wisdom there. I don't really do all that the Moore's prescribe, but in Better Late Than Early, I think they also suggest that children are not ready for formal studies until age 8 or 9.
So, while obviously some children are better able at early ages, it does offer a perspective that can help you see your son's challenges through a developmental lens rather than a purely temperamental one. He might be resisting certain lessons because they really are hard for him.
That said, it does take a lot of energy to go head to head with a Negative Nellie, and your energy is already so low! I really don't see this as a personal failing on your part at all! I mean, I get it. I can look at my own failings and even though I might have legitimate reasons for not doing x or y like difficult pregnancies and high needs babies and toddlers, and I still feel like a failure at times, but I'm not sure it is the best perspective, and you really are doing so much!
I tell you what, I realize that it doesn't really jive with your philosophy or that of your dh, but when I start feeling this way, I read the writings of successful unschoolers. MacBeth gave a really great talk as a part of Maureen Whitman's winter refresh virtual conference, and it is available for free. I really like the collection of essays from Susie Andre's A Little Way of Homeschooling. I never quite become an Unschooler, but I always come away feeling refreshed and ready to trust my children a bit more and give them a little more space or freedom when things aren't clicking.
One of the things I see suggested often that I find true, even though I find it a bit challenge in practice, has a bit of Tom Sawyer to it, and that is that modeling an activity is the best way to get your child interested in doing it.
Another thing that comes to mind in your situation is finding a simple substitute for a while for a subject. I know you do Right Start, which is pretty intensive, but if he's resisting those lessons, he's only 7, and he really just needs to learn basic math facts. Xtra Math is free and easy to implement. The ideal might be doing a full math lesson, but if he doesn't, a drill on the computer is something. And it isn't flashy or cartoony or anything, just straight-forward math facts.
And one more thing I can offer is a bit of commiseration. My second is not really resistant, but he is a completely different learner than my oldest. I have found it challenging to have "figured things out" with my oldest, thinking I'd found what worked for *us* when really, I found what worked for him. My second has very, very different strengths and weaknesses and thinks in completely different ways. I've known that one of the benefits to homeschooling is that I would be able to work with the individual child, but I didn't really expect it to be so much work that it would feel like I was re-inventing the wheel each time! It is hard! And while it is easier this time around because of knowledge, it is harder in many ways due to less energy and without that enthusiasm that comes when something is new and exciting. If you decide you really do need to send him to school, you are not a failure, but I did want to encourage you that part of your struggle has been my own experience as well.
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SeaStar
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 16 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 9068
|
| Posted: March 10 2015 at 6:03pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Oh, Jenn-
You have not lost the war; today is just one battle. And, yes, I realize there was a battle yesterday, and there will be another one tomorrow, because I also live with a version of your son. My version has been a challenge since birth, when the nurses handed him over to me and said, "good luck with that one". They weren't kidding.
Lindsay has given you some great advice. Seven is still so very young- and at my house I vividly remember calling that year "stormy seven".
It's hard to live with a young negative first responder. These boys are slow to warm up to anything, and like you said, they will always say no, and it gets to be exhausting.
But God made your son (and mine) the way he did because he has a purpose for them. He needs them to be the way they are. Now, I'm not saying it makes them easy to live with- no, indeed. Each day can feel like an endless struggle. Ellie commented on a thread recently that one of her sons is her "Calvary", and I so get that! We love our Calvarys, but it's just hard.
I've come to realize that changing curricula, sending ds off to school, or buying another habit training book is not the answer for my family. I did not make my ds the way he is- God did. And so God is really the only answer. There is a lot of praying going on here on a daily basis!
And God is good- because every now and then he shows me all the good in ds and fills me with hope. As ds grows and matures, there is progress.
So, it's not easy- I feel your pain, especially since I know your health is not
perfect. But I want to encourage you, because God knew exactly what kind of mother your son needs, and you are it!
__________________
Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
stellamaris
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 26 2009
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2732
|
| Posted: March 10 2015 at 11:14pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Oh, Jennifer! It's so funny that I was thinking about you today and praying for you. I even thought, "I ought to write and see how she is." It must have been the Holy Spirit bringing you to my mind and encouraging me to pray for you. God sees this struggle, and He is with you. I will keep on praying for wisdom and also energy and strength for you.
I can absolutely related to what you are going through. You certainly aren't the first to have such a tough struggle, but that doesn't make it any easier to be where you are right now. I have a few thoughts that I hope help. We are right in the middle of a big cross-country move, but I will try to call you also later in the week if you think I could be a sounding board for you. Sometimes when things are so challenging we just really need to vent!!
One of the things that I have learned over the years is how easily my own expectations can trip me up. To have high expectations is admirable, but it is so important to be able also to meet your son where he is. Right now, his character needs more work than his academics, whatever level they may be at, so I think you might consider a few questions, just to help you think through what might be going on:
1) Can I emotionally disengage enough to allow him to succeed OR fail? How important is it to me that he succeed? Does my ego enter in here, making it more difficult to remain calm when he is defiant?
2) How can I "put the ball back in his court," so to speak? That is, how can I allow him to assume the responsibility and consequences of his behavior? Can you turn the problem back on him: "Is this your best self?" or "How would it help you (or even "What might happen") if I let you [skip your math, not brush your teeth, whatever...]?"
3) Is it possible for you to say to yourself, "OK, he's just a child and this behavior is to be expected" so that you can remain calm and apply consequences calmly? If he can get your goat, he will probably continue with his defiant behavior. It's important that he not get you so upset that the result is that he gets off the hook and is able to escape the work you are asking him to do.
4) Consider the kind of work you are requiring him to do. Is it a lot of writing/workbook type of work? Are you pressuring him to "catch up" because of your own sense of falling behind due to your health? Or is the work more engaging, like nature study or literature? Are you really using a Charlotte Mason approach, or is there a lot of admixture of standard American school? Is he defiant because he is not able to be successful in the work required of him? Does he see that he is improving or is he discouraged? Sometimes discouragement can produce defiance.
5) I'm wondering about how the relationship between him and his older brother is going. Does he feel he can't do as well as his older brother? Is there comparison/competition there? Can a more cooperative/supportive relationship be developed if it is mainly competitive? (This is a whole other thread, really).
6) One response I use a lot with my challenging son, whose behavior is sometimes really tough, is to reply to him when he is being defiant, "Oh, well, this is what we have to do now, even if we don't want to." This kind of puts you on his side, shows him that you also are under some accountability, but doesn't let him off the hook. When he's really misbehaving, I tell him to go look out the window for a bit (I don't send him to his room because he loves to go there) and I remind him that he will have to sit down with me later and complete the work (even if he doesn't do quite everything I planned~but he doesn't know that  ). I don't let him see the required work I have listed for the day, because then I have more flexibility to reduce or increase the workload as needed without him knowing and because when I told him, he argued  . As an aside, having a fixed schedule every day really has helped this child, too. I post it on the wall and then when he doesn't want to work, I refer him to it: "What does the schedule say we should be doing? OK, that's what we have to do." Then it isn't about me telling him what to do so much as it is about both of us doing what is our responsibility to do at that moment.
7) I'm not sure what you are asking him that is generating the "no", but you might think hard about asking him yes or no questions. It helps me to stick with statements or questions that can't be answered with a "No." For example, if it's bedtime, instead of saying, "Are you ready for bed?" I would say, "It is time for bed." or "Go get ready for bed." If a child says no to this, I usually say, "I didn't ask." Honestly, it has been really tough for me to remember to do this, because I was in the habit of ending every statement with the phrase, "OK?" So self-defeating, but it took me forever to realize it and then correct it. I think that habit was one reason why my oldest and I had so many battles of will. I finally realized that putting everything as a question was misleading my child into thinking there was actually a choice, when there really wasn't.
8) I know I've suggested this before, but I really can't recommend highly enough the Ambleside Intensive Week. I know it's expensive, but it profoundly affected my parenting and relationship with my younger sons and gave me a lot of clarity about the way my expectations and ways of pressuring and praising had inflicted damage on my older children. It also helped me see what a Charlotte Mason education could look like. While I have a pretty good relationship with my adult children now, I wish I had attended this seminar years ago when my children were all young; I think it would have spared me all manner of grief.
9) Lastly, when one parent is having a tough time with a particular child, it is a great time for the other parent to step in and spend extra time with the recalcitrant little one. Just doing things to support and build relationship with that child while giving the struggling parent a break can bring the situation back to a better place.
Jennifer, you are definitely in my prayers. I know that whatever you and your husband decide is the best course of action for you and your child will be determined with a lot of prayer and love, and all will be well.
__________________
In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to  dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: March 11 2015 at 1:09am | IP Logged
|
|
|
There's doing great.. not sure what I could add at this point other than..
A strategic retreat can help win the war when advancing may lose it.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Aagot
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 06 2010
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 649
|
| Posted: March 11 2015 at 1:10am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Hey Jenn
I know you are tired and working on health issues so go easy on yourself. Can you get him some strenuous exercise in the morning, then do a half hour of reading and a half hour of math and be done? You could just do math games instead of a lesson. I am sure you are careful with sugar and screen time but incase those have slipped in when you weren't looking, that could be an issue. Also, how are his vit.D and iron levels. If he is tired and grumpy, those could be off.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SeaStar
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 16 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 9068
|
| Posted: March 11 2015 at 6:01am | IP Logged
|
|
|
A couple more thoughts:
Sometimes when my ds son gets going in his Eeyore mode (everything is bad, everyone is against him, life is unfair...) I simply have to walk away.
I try really hard to keep calm and not engage in this type of conversation with him- it helps no one. If he asks why I am leaving the room, I just say I can't hear this type of complaining/ whining/ whatever talk.
My ds has lots of ideas and plans in his head of the way things should go and then is absolutely astonished when he hears otherwise. Sometimes he gets all charged up telling me what he will and won't do.
At those times I remind him, as calmly and using as few words as possible (which is very hard at times) , that I am the parent and he is the child. I might say, "I see you are forgetting again that God has given me authority over you in this house as your parent. I am the parent and you are the child. This is the work you have to do right now."
And like Caroline mentioned, taking breaks is a good thing. When things get heated up and I can see we are getting nowhere, we a break from whatever we are doing. Usually I send ds to practice his guitar. We are then able to come back later and make good progress.
__________________
Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Becky Parker
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 23 2005
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2582
|
| Posted: March 11 2015 at 6:14am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Such great advice! I have nothing to add but I will add your name to my daily rosary.
It seems like our response in situations like this is to wonder if we shouldn't put our child in school, whether for his own good or for the good of the family. I have been there with a couple of mine on several occasions. As a matter of fact, I recently cried out in despair to Our Lady about one of my sons. I consecrated him to Mary and then started a sort of home made novena. I wrote a short prayer, pouring my heart out to Mary about the frustrations this child is having and causing and finished with a Memorare. After praying this daily for a few weeks, I am seeing changes! Not in my son though, but in how my husband and I relate to him and understand him. I feel the presence of Mary with me as I deal with him on a regular basis. It's truly helping.
So I started to write just that I agreed with the great advice you received already, and here I am going on and on. I just wanted to share that with you though, Jenn! Please hang in there. I might even suggest that you table most of the school work for the year and work on good attitudes and rekindle his love for learning. What does he want to learn about? Maybe do a unit study or just let him spend some time learning about it on his own. I would be happy to brainstorm with you about what you could do in this case. I know you would get tons of great ideas from the ladies here, too!
God bless you. I will pray!
__________________
Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
guitarnan
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Maryland
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 10883
|
| Posted: March 11 2015 at 8:55am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I am a negative first reaction person myself. It has taken me years to train myself not to say no (even to fun, as you put it!). And I am (theoretically) an adult.
My son is less negative than I am, but I found that giving him "this or that" choices really helped stave off confrontations. "Yes or no" discussions were seldom useful (and still aren't - and he is 23 now!). I did give in on some things, like the endless desire to wear Barney the Dinosaur tennis shoes (I bought seven pairs, in all, and then we had to give up because Barney was no longer popular, whew!).
It is hard, but I can tell you that school might not be a better place because it wasn't for my son. We were not homeschooling at the time, and every year I had to fight to get teachers to read my books about spirited children. Most would, but first grade was a disaster because the teacher wanted everything done her way and would not try to understand my son. The principal backed the teacher and insisted that we get psychological testing. (Wow, was I glad to toss the "all normal" report onto her desk!) The only thing that helped was the return of my husband from Navy deployment. The teacher changed her tune when he went to talk with her and asked to observe what was going on. It was a lost year in many respects. My son learned the academic material, but the train wreck of endless conferences and conduct notices (for not putting on his coat when he wasn't cold, for example) was super-stressful for him and for the rest of us.
If you know for sure that your son would be assigned to teachers who would really work with you, then school might be an option. I hope that's the case.
Speaking of which, sending a child to traditional school is NOT failure. Nor have you failed as a parent because your son is a negative first reaction person. That's his God-given temperament. He can be taught to recognize that in himself and ask for more time to make a decision. (This is exactly what I do, by the way..."I need some time to think. Could I get back to you on that?" or, "Give me a moment to go over this in my head," if the decision must be made on the spot. It works. No one has ever refused! )
I will definitely be praying for you, with a ton of empathy. My prayers continue for your health, too.
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Maryan
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 02 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3145
|
| Posted: March 11 2015 at 10:27am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Aagot wrote:
Hey Jenn
I know you are tired and working on health issues so go easy on yourself. Can you get him some strenuous exercise in the morning, then do a half hour of reading and a half hour of math and be done? You could just do math games instead of a lesson. |
|
|
Each kid is motivated so differently that it's hard to give advice! I don't know if your energy level is up to it, but with the spring, a trip to a park or a walk in the neighborhood might brighten the mood. FYI I've long thrown in the towel and my 7 yo is only doing English and Math right now!
Otherwise, I got him a new spring notebook and I've been just letting him go outside to see what he sees. He's been checking out birds. I've been propping up books that he might like (sometimes he bites). In the rest of his time, he plays basketball, reads, does legos, or tortures his sister.
We have to resort to reward and punishment to get stuff accomplished here. So boys who get their school work and their chore done get to watch Wild Kratts.
__________________
Maryan
Mom to 6 boys & 1 girl: JP('01), B ('03), M('05), L('06), Ph ('08), M ('10), James born 5/1/12
A Lee in the Woudes
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JennGM
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 17702
|
| Posted: March 11 2015 at 11:43am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Thank you all for the very helpful feedback, advice and especially the prayers. I'm sorry I did not get back here yesterday to expand and clarify my original post. Tuesdays are my busiest day, and then they drag into Wednesdays now with rehab and piano lessons.
I should have explained that we have been doing very, very streamlined school here for years because of my health. I've been realistic in understanding that we just will not get the full load done, nor a half load, nor really any good quantitive amount. I admit I'm more focused on my 5th grader/11 year old, because he has one year for the transition to junior high in a real school, and there are holes. Poor Maryan just got an email from me because of my panic.
And for the 1st grader it is bare minimum school. I do take CM in mind and am not too worried about some areas except math. I just want to keep progressing there. He reads voraciously like his big brother, so I'm comforted by that continual progress. He narrates to me naturally (and when I ask officially he balks). We don't have a good routine (I'm out of the house 3 mornings a week at my cardiac rehab), so the part I worry about is not that he's resisting the actual work, but he's resisting to come to work at all. Does that make sense?
Yes, we do RightStart and have made very little progress. When I finally get him to the table he always enjoys it, so that is not an issue. The main issues are
1) getting him to come and do the work -- that's a battle when I say it's time, he resists.
2) having him do the way I'm instructing. He'll grab the marker or pencil, erase what I wrote, say it the way he wants. He just is very independent.
I'll add that once *he* sees the light and it makes sense to him, he'll do it, but I'm so battle worn and tired getting him there. A few of my siblings were like this, so it's not like I haven't seen this before.
He won't learn lowercase letters in printing. He writes in uppercase in his own formation. He won't listen to how to write them because he has his own way. So I decided skip the printing and go to cursive. It has been an uphill battle (as in MONTHS). I have both boys working together, even though 4 years difference, and the younger is finally more enthusiastic and trying to do it outside of lessons. But it's been so hard. It's like he's illiterate. He can read, but can't or won't write properly. Last week was a big hurrah because he is writing his name in cursive. And likes it.
As far as other subjects, I get to them when I can. Geography is with his brother, read-aloud right now is St. Patrick's Summer with his brother (younger is receiving First Communion this spring).
I need to do some formal phonics, but I've been putting that on hold because I was going through all the phonograms in cursive, and I'm just not looking forward to more battles.
I'll add that he's the sweetest and most enthusiastic and observant child, and a joy when he's in his positive mood. He has an artistic eye, and thrives on expressing himself in ways of art. He needs to pull out crayons and color every day. It relaxes him and fills his cup.
He has a terrible sassy mouth. He speaks his mind, and can be so disrespectful. It's like I have two rebellious teenagers.
As far as diet and such, this Lent we have pulled the extra sugar, but I have observed he has a tendency to low blood sugar. And his antics are always worse around 4-5 pm. It's the witching hour. The battles ensue every evening pre-dinner on. But I have tried snacks and it still doesn't make a change. I do need to add more protein, but again, we're talking about a strong resistance to anything I suggest.
SeaStar wrote:
| My ds has lots of ideas and plans in his head of the way things should go and then is absolutely astonished when he hears otherwise. Sometimes he gets all charged up telling me what he will and won't do. |
|
|
THIS. EXACTLY. We refer to it as his script. It must go his way. He has a running script in his head about his day.
We are working on a battle right now with the rosary. He wants to lead the decades. We say yes, but the odd numbers, other brother will do even. No, it has to be all or nothing. Same battle at Costco for a Berry Smoothie. Yes, you can have one, but you are splitting with your brother. No, I want it all, or nothing.
Major eyeball.  and embarrassment  and battle fatigue.
Funny thing, Melinda, I always saw similarities in my oldest son and your son, like can't contain his excitement and overactive imagination, sensitivity, trouble sleeping, etc. But both my boys are like a combination. My oldest is usually more docile in the matters that younger son resists.
We are spending a lot of time on discipline and habit training rather than getting the schoolwork done. I realized that going into this school year that was going to be the main focus. I haven't had the energy or time to really physically enforce my words. So like Maryan, there is a lot of taking away of privileges, giving rewards, and doling out punishments. Most of the time I feel like whatever we are doing isn't working. 
Caroline, you will have to call me. I need your address to return your books! I was just thinking about you, too. I've have so longed to do that training, but the expense and time is too hard right now.
Funny thing, my sister just had an experience from the local Ambleside CM school that makes me want to scratch my head. They were trying to ascertain if a certain student was a good candidate to be accepted into Kindergarten. If she didn't know her letters and shapes she wasn't going to be accepted. So much for understanding CM philosophy?
The idea of school is not that it will solve all my problems, not even half. But I'm seeing how my heart issues aren't going away. I will always be doing less and have low energy. Giving someone else the task of his education is taking something off my plate. And that's where I am right now, feeling overwhelmed and needing less daily requirements that sap my energy and piles me up with guilt.
But trust me, school would be the last resort. Having outside commitments is very difficult for me. And my son's worst part of the day is also mine, and that is homework time. So I'll be trading all day battles to evening battles that might be more intense. And one of my most hated tasks is packing lunches, because of our food allergies they aren't the traditional sandwiches, and I'm not too creative. I know, packing lunch is a minor thing, but it is one of my biggest crosses.
Maybe I should just put him school so I can embrace my cross?
__________________
Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to & ds1 '03 & ds2 '07
Family in Feast and Feria
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: March 11 2015 at 1:13pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I know you probably have done this.. but have you considered helping him "rewrite his script"? Like with the berry smoothie. Do you have or can get a second cup so that they each have their own cup? So that you can tell him before you even walk out the door that you'll buy one smoothie and at that time he can either decide to share or do without. Don't ask for an answer right then. Even tell him you don't want an answer. Ignore him if he does give an answer. That will give him the whole trip to prepare for either sharing or doing without. Even if you've done this before.. immediately before the trip helps the most.. it gives them enough time to work their way through it but doesn't give them so much time to create a fantasy about how they want things to be.
Even though my kids don't typically have negative fire reactions. I still have to rewrite their script occasionally. I love using the car as the transition. Before we get out of the car at a store, I'll remind them of rules and how things are going to go. At home I'll give directions on what to do when we get in the house. It helps with crowd control and fights over who gets to do what.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
stellamaris
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 26 2009
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2732
|
| Posted: March 11 2015 at 1:22pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Jennifer, do NOT feel guilty. I can't tell you all the years I wasted feeling guilty and I CAN tell you it WAS NOT WORTH IT!!!
You have already done a ton with your children. I have learned that even when I did half of what I thought I ought to be doing, the children progressed well and by the time they got into high school or college (depending on the kid) they were fine. If you do choose to send him to school, it's OK!!!
I'm going to share something here that one of my children said to me that really opened my eyes. He said, "Mom, I feel so guilty that you are working so hard and are so overwhelmed. I feel like it's my fault." Wow. That was sobering. My sense of overwhelm and guilt was being visited on my children's heads and making them feel guilty for being homeschooled. There is nothing that is worth that; it is so distorting to a proper parent-child relationship. So, I decided right then that if I couldn't find my own balance and happiness in homeschooling, it would be better to enroll them in school where they could learn without a lot of emotional baggage.
Sometimes things in life don't work out the way we expected, but God is still guiding us and our families. If you decide to put him in school because you are don't have the energy or strength to meet his particular needs, it will be OK. If you decide to keep him home and do a little less or more relaxed schooling, that will be OK, too. The only thing that is not good for either of you is for you to walk through each day overwhelmed, exhausted, and guilty. Do what you need to do to support your physical and mental health. It's not being selfish, it's being humble and wise.
__________________
In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
LLMom
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 19 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 995
|
| Posted: March 11 2015 at 4:43pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I wanted to say that it is not a failure to put him in school if that is what you deem is best for both of you. I had to do that (for all of my children), and it was very humbling to admit that I needed that break. Pride kept me homeschooling longer than I should have (I am hs my youngest who is dyslexic), but I was not good for any of my family. Relationship is so important, and I am finding that some children do much better for someone else. My one son sounds a lot like yours. He is so good for his teachers. He doesn't want to get into trouble so he does his work. It was like pulling teeth when he was homeschooled to get him to do it. Everything was a battle. I am no long irritated at him and thus a better mom for him.
__________________
Lisa
For veteran & former homeschool moms
homeschooling ideas
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SeaStar
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 16 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 9068
|
| Posted: March 11 2015 at 6:05pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
JennGM wrote:
He has a terrible sassy mouth. He speaks his mind, and can be so disrespectful. It's like I have two rebellious teenagers. |
|
|
My ds also has the sassy mouth, Jenn. At times it is intentional, and at other times he appears truly surprised when I tell him that his remark or tone was very disrespectful. We work on this issue constantly- it is in his nature to be frank, and also he has a keen sense of fairness. If he feels he has been treated unfairly, he speaks right up. As an elderly man we met once told me: his talker ain't broken.
When he gets going with the sassiness, I have him write out Ephesians 4: 20-32. He has written it so many times he practically has it memorized, which is fine, good even. He is learning what tone and attitude will earn him another round of "the verse". I love the NIV version of this passage, and if it is stuck in his head forever, that is a good thing.
JennGM wrote:
| As far as diet and such, this Lent we have pulled the extra sugar, but I have observed he has a tendency to low blood sugar. And his antics are always worse around 4-5 pm. It's the witching hour. The battles ensue every evening pre-dinner on. But I have tried snacks and it still doesn't make a change. I do need to add more protein, but again, we're talking about a strong resistance to anything I suggest. |
|
|
Yes, I also see this with my ds. Right before lunch he tends to be very GRUMPY, with a very short fuse. The afternoons are better because I have a variety of snacks he knows he can help himself to. I notice that he snacks quite a bit between 4 and 5. It would probably work better for him if we ate dinner at 4:30 every day, but that is just not happening.
SeaStar wrote:
| My ds has lots of ideas and plans in his head of the way things should go and then is absolutely astonished when he hears otherwise. Sometimes he gets all charged up telling me what he will and won't do. |
|
|
JennGM wrote:
THIS. EXACTLY. We refer to it as his script. It must go his way. He has a running script in his head about his day.
We are working on a battle right now with the rosary. He wants to lead the decades. We say yes, but the odd numbers, other brother will do even. No, it has to be all or nothing. Same battle at Costco for a Berry Smoothie. Yes, you can have one, but you are splitting with your brother. No, I want it all, or nothing.
Major eyeball. and embarrassment and battle fatigue. |
|
|
Yep, yep- all so familiar 
See- the perfect job for these boys would be being dictators of small islands. The good thing is, these guys know their minds. No wishy-washiness here. The bad thing is, if you don't agree to the plan, there are fireworks. The exhausting thing is that you can try to help them rewrite their scripts, as Jodie suggested, which is an excellent help and we try to do that here, but there are just so MANY scripts in these boys' heads you just can't keep up or always foresee what the snag will be.
I have found, too, that usually if my ds gets upset or feels unjustly wronged or has some master plan that he wants us to follow, there is a good reason for it down deep somewhere that usually makes some type of sense on some level. The problem is that I often feel too tired or frustrated to go digging to find that reason. Or everything happens so fast that I feel like I have to react right then vs. digging for his reasons.
As far as putting him in school, that is not a failure, or at least it wouldn't be here. Heck, I am sure there are many parts of school that my ds would enjoy. However, I know that it would not solve the problems we have- it is not just school work that my ds resists, it can be ANYTHING.
If he has the idea buried in his head of going out to do yard work, and I ask him to empty the dryer, we can have a stand off. I am learning to ask why he doesn't want to do something, and, like I said, I can usually pull out a semi-valid reason if I dig hard enough. I won't listen to sassy talk or whining/complaining, but if he can calm down long enough to articulate his plan and why it should trump mine, I will listen.
The downside for me about school would be trading one set of problems for another- there would be homework battles, plus the angst of keeping track of books, papers, lunch money, etc. On top of that, ds would not get nearly enough of the physical activity he needs and likes. Or maybe he would get a lot of exercise walking to the principal's office .
My ds was just never meant to sit in chairs for 7 hours a day.
__________________
Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SeaStar
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 16 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 9068
|
| Posted: March 12 2015 at 4:20pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
You know, I was also thinking today about what makes life with ds hard for me, and I realized that part of it is the introvert (me) vs. the extrovert (ds).
My ds rarely quiet or still. He is wiggling, humming, sketching, talking, launching things or making observations out loud pretty much ALL. THE. TIME.
If I sit down to read- computer or book, he is right there wanting to see what I'm doing. If I have just sat down/gone upstairs/walked outside, he calls me to come back to wherever he is so he can show me his latest drawing, the latest bird picture he took, etc.
So through the day there is not much down time for me, and that does lower my patience threshold and add to a general frazzled feeling. It's like I can never have my brain to myself for more than a few minutes.
Are you facing a similar situation, Jenn- is your ds, in addition to acting out, also just requiring so much more of you on every level that you are just exhausted by it all?
__________________
Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JennGM
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 17702
|
| Posted: March 12 2015 at 4:42pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Melinda, everything you wrote is just so helpful. I've been going it over in my mind and prayer.
We are a house of introverts. The boys would be classified as hyper and bouncing off the walls and loud, but they, like their parents, need their downtime and quiet time. All four of us have a combination of choleric and melancholic temperaments, which is quite interesting to see unfold.
You mentioned above trying to understand what and why in the script. That is funny how you mention that, because it does make sense when you finally get the story, but it's buried and so complicated that it takes a lot of emotional outbursts (tears, tantrums, etc.) to finally get it out.
And the rest of the thread, so helpful. It always happens when I reach the end of my rope that God backs up a little and I see a glimmer of hope and change in my boys.
Starting this thread has helped me clarify in my head why I feel overwhelmed. I have too much on my plate in just my daily work. The house isn't getting done, and with them home all the time, it just gets worse. The education is overwhelming, but it's because I can't do it all. I'm physically drained and impaired, and feel those limitations dreadfully. A day is only so long.
What I'm praying about now is a proposal to my husband to hire someone to help with the cleaning. I think that is much less expensive (although he balks at that cost) than a private school tuition, so that might be the compromise to let me just breathe a little. I need to catch up a little from all these years. The house just has seen "a lick and a promise" cleaning for years. I need a deep clean, and I physically can't do it. The guys clean, but not a good clean, IYKWIM. And then I would like maintenance cleaning. I'm praying he will be receptive to the idea and cost.
It's just my personality when I'm over my head and feel like I'm drowning that I just can't seem to go forward. I'm not accomplishing anything in any categories, because I can't give it full attention, so I fail in all of them.
This solution doesn't take away or solve all that I listed for my son, but it might provide just a little breathing room so I can rest and regroup to go into the next "battle" with my son.
__________________
Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to & ds1 '03 & ds2 '07
Family in Feast and Feria
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SeaStar
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 16 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 9068
|
| Posted: March 13 2015 at 6:32am | IP Logged
|
|
|
The house cleaning thing is huge for me, too- not because I am lazy and like or want an untidy house- but just because it is like painting the Golden Gate Bridge: when you finish doing that, you just have to start it all over.
And with kids home all day, messes tend to multiply. Plus, we are not living in a small house. Ds and I just had the conversation yesterday that it just might be very nice to live in a small house without so many blinds and ceiling fans to keep clean, without so much floor to mop, etc. We both agreed we could be doing many other things with our cleaning time.
My kids help extensively with the housework (we have a rotating chore chart), but if they didn't or couldn't or time/health was an issue, I would get outside help in a skinny minute. There is only so much one mom can do, and it stresses me out to have a n untidy house- somehow it paralyzes me or makes me feel as though I am getting nothing done.
Having said that, I do keep mind something I read not long ago which has really helped lower my stress factor over kid/school clutter. A mom was lamenting over all the drawings her kids did and wondering how to display and store them all. She was feeling overwhelmed just with artwork. Another mom told her, "What makes you think this will last forever? There will not be an unending supply of drawings for your fridge."
That really made me sit up and take notice. There will not always be a boy in my house to leave nerf bullets lying around. There will come a day when all the nerf guns, beanie babies, dress up clothes, and drawings will disappear. That will be a sad day. So I am finding that the general chaos of two kids with very active imaginations does not bother me nearly so much now.
One other thing that helps- I do keep a posted listed of extra chores my kids can do to earn money- things like cleaning out and vacuuming my car, cleaning all the blinds and ceiling fans, mopping, cleaning baseboards, etc. This not only gives them a good outlet for their energy, but they can earn money (ds is saving for an ipod and/or a lego set he wants) and it helps me. One "chore" that is my favorite is to give mom a 15 minute foot rub
__________________
Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
CrunchyMom
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 03 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 6385
|
| Posted: March 13 2015 at 7:18am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I have always thought that hiring a housekeeper makes a lot more sense as a first option over sending the kids to private school, Jenn. It is a lot cheaper, and I hope that framed that way, your dh can recognize it is not an extravagance!
And I, too, like to offer some of the deep cleaning tasks for which I don't have the energy as extra chores to earn money.
I'm so sorry that you are struggling, Jenn, but I'm so glad that you started this thread. I have just loved reading all the responses and have found them comforting and inspiring myself!
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
LLMom
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 19 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 995
|
| Posted: March 13 2015 at 7:58am | IP Logged
|
|
|
All homeschool moms should "pay" themselves in some way. It helps tremendously in continuing on this journey. Hiring household help may be very helpful.
__________________
Lisa
For veteran & former homeschool moms
homeschooling ideas
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Living Learning
Topic: I've Lost the War
