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MarilynW
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For those "veterans" amongst you - how do you have to adjust when your kids come home for vacations? And how do your kids adjust? How do you keep peace, and enjoy the different relationship you have with your children. What are pitfalls to avoid?
My freshman will be coming back home soon - and I wonder how things will be different.
Also - college students seem to live a more "self-centered" (not sure if this is the right word) life - how do you help them return to living within a family again.
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Erin
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Marilyn
Excellent questions!! Not sure I have any answers for you, just can share the two biggest 'dis-harmonies' we have.
I absolutely LOVE having my college kids come home and due to the distance and their job commitments they only come home three times a year and don't stay long. 
Our oldest is now 20, has just finished her 2nd year and our ds18 has just completed his first year. Can only share our experience, each family is different but talking to other college mums I don't think this part is that different.
Bedtime routines, they seem to be non-existent!! Not only do I gently suggest to them this can't be good for them long term anyway, it does disrupt our routine (such as it is lately). Our at home teens are going to bed much later etc. and Social Media, not so much my dd she could't care less, but after the first visit I did jokingly ask my son if he needed help to control his phone.
They are home for such a short time I don't make an issue of it, but I'm wondering how we'll go this time. For the first time in 2 years my dd is going to stay home for nearly 3 months    and son is planning to too. They want time at home to bond with their new sibling who is due just before Christmas. So we'll see.
They're adults, so I can't tell them to go to bed, turn off their phone etc (though I;m really tempted on the phone one). Our relationship has already changed in other areas, getting a car license had a big impact before they left home.
I strive very hard to listen, gently suggest and let them join the dots.
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SallyT
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This is definitely a challenge, and one for which I don't have a good answer. You send a child to college and get back a relatively self-sufficient young adult, and there's really no going back to former dynamics.
For one thing, I do ask my older children to remember that the younger ones have feelings, too -- if the olders are staying up late having a little party together, this causes a good bit of friction, since the younger ones want to know why the others get to stay up and have fun, and why it's not a party for everyone (mostly themselves). It's not bad for the younger kids to realize that older ones do have privileges to match their greater responsibilities, and that everyone can't be part of everything all the time. At the same time, I find that the college child and the high-schooler who wants to re-bond with her when she comes home also need to be reminded to be kind to and mindful of the others. These two have always been very close, and when everyone's home they tend to form into an exclusive club. Usually a judicious word helps tweak that dynamic into something more workable.
The college child likes to take her younger siblings out for milkshakes one-on-one when she's home, which is a nice gesture. And although I do let her catch up on sleep and do a good bit of lazing, which she doesn't get to do during her semester, I also ask her to help me around the house. She doesn't slot right back into the chore chart with the others, but especially around the holidays, there's a lot of cooking and other special things to be done, and she helps me with all that. For my money, summer is the really tough time . . . holidays come with so much built-in family togetherness and preparation that I find them relatively easy from this standpoint. I try to refrain from the use of phrases like, "Do you think this is a hotel or something?" -- instead, I just ask for help when I need it. There are things she wants from me, too, and it's good to remind her that in the family it's all about give-and-take.
Ultimately, though, I just roll with things a lot. Especially mid-year, my college child has come home exhausted and truly in need of the rest and peace that home can provide. What can look like self-centered, even lazy behavior is really, in my experience, largely just the very valid need of someone who's been away in a stressful environment to relax, unwind, and breathe a sigh of relief. That's what home is for, after all -- to hold out its arms to you when you come there all tired out. So I allow for a fairly generous grace period before expecting even much interaction.
I am really, really looking forward to seeing my college girl next week. She's not coming home -- we're all meeting at my mother's to go to my aunt's for Thanksgiving. It's not quite the peace and quiet she would have hoped for, but at least we get to be all together again. Even with bumps, it's always a gift.
Sally
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MarilynW
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Thank you both so much for your responses. Much to think about. I think the challenge is when you have a house full of younger kids who have rules and expectations.
Also - the whole change in dynamics is tough. eg Advent is a huge deal in our house - and it is strange not having dd home for Saint Nicholas (what about her stocking?!), Kris Kringles etc
I think it may be harder for homeschoolers too - just because we have got to spend so much time with our kids - maybe the change in dynamics is harder?
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Barb.b
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Love, love it when ds 21yrs comes home from vacation! Yes, as others say - I do have to remind him to turn music and TV and such down when my youngest is in bed! They aren't being rude - they just forget and don't think! Once reminded - he's cool about it. other then that - we really enjoy him home and it doesn't seem much different! if you were close before they left, and continue to be close - it just seems so right to have them home on vacations! Such a great time for the younger kids to re-connect too! My youngest pretends his older brother annoys him - but the youngest always comes to the airport to pick him his brother!
As far as St. Nicholas - go ahead with her stocking - it will give the younger kids something to tell her over the phone and/or when she comes at Christmas
It is sometimes hard when kids go from one phase of life to another - but it is exciting all the same! Enjoy your girl! expect some differences (she is used to dorm life!) but at the same time it always seems like old times when mine is home too!
Barb
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Ditto to what everyone has said. My big boys will both be home next week...we are all giddy with excitement! One of the problems I have seen with their arrival is one certain tiny girl who has much bigger needs to see her “guys” and not very willing to....share.  I could see that happening with a certain special little sister at your house, Marilyn! Lily just drinks them in when they are here, her heartbreak when they leave is harder than my heartbreak!!
Now...as far as logistics, I was driven crazy last summer when oldest came home and got in some very bad habits of leaving his stuff parked right in the path of everyone.  We had to work on that...it seemed so simple and oh so thoughtless. They just sort of “forget” and need some reminding.
I am sure it will be fine....and can’t wait to hear how her first semester as gone along....
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JodieLyn
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No kids college age BUT I've spent a good portion of my life with extra adults of some relation (oh and even no relation come to think of it) living in our home.
Now I'm not talking about a short holiday at home where in generally everyone is in holiday mode.. But the longer living life at home type of times.
It is FINE to have house rules that everyone, even the adults have to follow.. such as quiet hours.
While as an adult someone may not have a curfew, it is simple courtesy to let people know when you'll be getting in and if you'll be there or not for meals. And letting people know where you'll be and when you'll get in is also a safety matter.. if something were to happen, then people would know when to worry and where to look. Not to mention that you won't scare the household if you're "sneaking in" late. (My mom lives in my house part of the year and I give her this courtesy if I'm going out somewhere.. and it's MY house )
Even as adults, if you live there you should participate in household "chores". Sure take into account outside obligations and what things they can help with, but they should be contributing to the household in a physical manner. If they were living anywhere but at home it would be a "no-brainer".
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Erica Sanchez
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We have been blessed to have our new freshman home twice. The first visit was the day of our parish picnic and it was busy and she mostly visited with everyone else. She was home half of a second day, but it was also filled with busyness and not much good visiting.
Our Peter was still in the hospital when she left for college so this has been somewhat cute and somewhat heartbreaking. He is the one who longs for her. I had promised him that he and I would go up and visit her and we haven't and he brings it up a lot.
Anyway, she planned to come home for a long weekend for a big celebration of our priest's (FSSP) 25th anniversary Mass. We all looked forward to exactly what you said here, Sally:
SallyT wrote:
| That's what home is for, after all -- to hold out its arms to you when you come there all tired out. |
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We all anticipated much relaxing and visiting and re-bonding. The day before she came, she told me she was bringing a friend. I don't remember her telling me that and I was crushed! So disappointed thinking it would be a much different weekend.
Cash right away made a big statement at dinner that we were going to be the kind of family that was open to changes like this and to having her friend, etc., etc. He said it better. I was still selfishly wanting her all to myself. And, it was a rocky start to the weekend for our second daughter. We learned about a week into oldest dd being away how close these two are and how emotional second dd was about her best friend going off to college. A big lesson for us, actually, and something we are more sensitive to now giving these two children more time together (phone, texts, etc.).
Anyway........her friend was delightful and it was a lovely weekend. All was well.
Not a veteran, Marilyn. Right there with you. I enjoyed reading everyone's experiences and advice.
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(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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KackyK
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No advice...waiting for our freshman to make her first visit home from Erica's neck of the woods actually mid-December. I know I am going to have to "prep" my teen boys that we aren't going to change the whole chore order that we created/changed when she left. I think flip flopping would just make it that much harder when she leaves after the new year. I think just trying to figure out where she "fits in" in regards to the routine, and not just a visitor, will be a challenge, but ultimately great for everyone.
Or at least this is what I'm telling myself  
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SallyT
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No, I know exactly what you mean, Kacky. My younger kids are always all like, "Yay, she's coming home, that means one of us gets a week off dish duty!" In reality, it doesn't work quite like that, for exactly the reason you said -- the chore rota is up and running, and woe betide the person who interferes with it!
It is more like having another adult in the house, albeit one who still sometimes has to be encouraged to remember that everyone helps out, or to be asked to do a specific task -- and also one who has some plans of her own, with hometown friends, which we do roll with to a great extent. Yes, we want to see her, but we also don't want to be monopolizers, or guilt-ers; after all, wanting to see much-missed old friends is a valid desire for a young adult to have. She is generally very good about calling if she's going to be late, letting us know what her plans are, and all that, so that side of things hasn't been an issue in our house yet, thankfully.
I wish we were having Thanksgiving at home, largely because I sense that in the midst of a really intense semester, she could use the comfort, peace, and support of home, and my mother's house won't offer so much of that -- still, there will be blessings involved in seeing lots of extended family. I'm just really looking forward to seeing *her.*
Sally
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Erin
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You all counting down the days? How many to go?
Dd20 arrives home on Friday, 2 days
Ds18 has gone on a month long retreat! so he won't be home for a month, but I'm excited about that too.
Because our college 'children' will be home for months this time and not just weeks, I'm sensing it will be different, just not sure how it will all translate.
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MarilynW
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Erin wrote:
You all counting down the days? How many to go?
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Only a few hours!!! It is dreadful weather here - dh is leaving with some of the boys to pick her up soon - just hope the mountain roads are not all snowed or iced up.
9 year old ds is busy making mountains of cookies for his sister. Baby sister is folding down her bed and putting chocolate bars on the pillow (her version of turn down service!) We just tried out Dutch oven bread and the house smells divine!
Back to the subject - it is bitter sweet to see our kids fly the nest. On one hand I am so happy to see how much dd loves college life and how attached she is to the good Catholic girls she has as friends, to the professors and to the college. If she had been miserable and crying to come home, I would have been so sad. But on the other it is also a little sad that she has a new life and is separating from us and attaching to others. I think this is specially true (as I said before) in close families that homeschool.
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SallyT
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Tomorrow for us. She flies out of Dallas early in the afternoon, and my mother will pick her up at the airport in Memphis. We leave here (I say with my fingers crossed) no later than 8 a.m. for the 10 -- at least, depending on weather and traffic -- hour drive.
That part we're not so excited about. But despite my reservations I'm glad we're going, because it's the one time of the year that I see any number of my cousins together. Of the 6 cousins on my dad's side, I'll see . . . four? . . . tomorrow night. And of the 4 cousins on my mom's side, I'll see all but one, I think, on Thanksgiving itself. Plus everyone's kids. My kids have one first cousin to whom they're not close at all, so my cousins' kids have become important to them over the years. And then on Friday we see my husband's family . . . it all gets kind of exhausting, especially for a 5-day trip, but it is worth it to be able to touch base with that many people all at once, and to remind our children that we're related to more people than just ourselves. :)
Marilyn, I hope everyone gets back and forth safely. Those little siblings are so sweet! Ours have become rather more jaded over the years ("Oh, you again?"), though the one little sister does usually prepare surprises to greet her big sister.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Sally
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StephanieA
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We have 2 college kids living with us, plus 1 away in grad school and an older son that comes home whenever everyone else shows up. We simply have to hang up trying to school while they are here. The 16 year daughter has bonded to the 23 year old son and MUST do everything she can while he is home. A strict schedule would be impossible.
It is hectic, because break is also when my living-at-home college kids reunite with friends that have left for college. So we get a lot of guests in and out of our home. In fact, another just arrived an hour ago. We were all in our pajamas and he just made himself at home :)
I wouldn't want it any other way. I want my kids to feel very "at home" and I want their friends to be welcomed at my home.
We try to maintain bedtimes for the younger crowd (15 and under). But the older ones...well, I just give up until the kids get back to college.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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Erica Sanchez
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Tomorrow late afternoon. :)
I think of your daughter, often, Kacky. I hope she is doing well. She is always welcome to contact us for any reason! Maybe a nice dinner one of these days. She has Thanksgiving plans??
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Angie Mc
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Devin and Michael return home on December 16th. Since Michael is a grad student I felt I could slip this in here just so I could say it and enjoy the countdown!
Advice? If their time home is less than 2 weeks, we just go with the flow and ensure that youngers get time with visiting olders. Sometimes this takes a bit of finesse, like, "JP is so eager to see you. As and adult I know that you have many people to see and things to do but as a little guy, it is hard for him to wait. Can you put him on the top of your list? Can you tell him exactly when you will get together and what you'll be doing with him?" Longer than that? Ask if there is one chore they would like to do for the family while home. For example, when Devin moved home for a few months before her wedding, she made sure the kitchen was cleaned late at night. It's good for all involved to contribute :)
Enjoy, enjoy my friends!
Love,
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4Real Forums : High School Years and Beyond
Topic: When college students come back home..
