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Barb.b
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| Posted: Sept 05 2011 at 8:04am | IP Logged
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I didn't know if this goes here or under domestic church. But those who have/had college kids - what did you do if you feared they were drifting away from going to Mass? I have a feeling I know but maybe someone has other ideas that worked? I pray, and today when he calls I plan to (in a non confrontational way) ask if he went. He went to mass 1st weekend a school (he is a freshman) and I don't think went last week end. So of course my mind runs away with me and imagines he stopping altogether! But really, the parish at his school makes it easy they have Sat. evening Mass and then Mass at 7:00 am,9:00am,11:00am, 7:00pm and 9:pm on sundays. Before he left I told him that and he seemed glad to hear of the Sunday evening Mass times.
Barb
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SallyT
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| Posted: Sept 05 2011 at 9:14am | IP Logged
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Well, my daughter's been at college two whole weekends now . . . and she also has a lot of peer/campus-culture support for the practice of her faith, which does help. So, so far so good. Still, you never know. My MO thus far is to assume that she's going, which I hope signals to her that I *trust* her -- for instance, when we were skype-messaging Sunday afternoon, I asked, "*Where* did you go to Mass," not "*Did* you go to Mass?" She did go, but if she hadn't gone, my asking, "Did you?" would have made her feel put on the spot, guiltier than she probably would already feel on her own, and instantly defensive. End of conversation.
So you might try this tack: "Which Mass did you end up going to? How was it? Did any of your friends go?" etc. Or, on the front end, "Which Mass do you think you might hit this week? Do you think any of your friends might like to go with you, and then maybe to get something to eat afterwards? That might be fun . . . By the way, when did you say confession times were?" And so on.
I think that asking "did you go" might be confrontational no matter how you try to put it -- because it communicates that you think he might not have, ie you don't trust him and are checking up. Now, maybe you don't in this instance, and maybe you have very good reason to suspect that he's not doing what he ought to do, but it might be better just to operate on the assumption that *of course* he's going to Mass, you can't even imagine that he wouldn't go to Mass, because he's a good and responsible person and knows the right thing to do, because after all, would you have let him leave home if you didn't think that he was capable of doing the right thing on his own?
Obviously, at times this might be a total act on your part, but at this stage it's so important to them to have at least the illusion of complete autonomy that I think it's better to work with that as much as you can, communicating that you just assume that he would go to Mass, and that asking when he went or is planning to go is just naturally part of general conversation about his weekend. Does that make sense?
But yeah, I'm right there with you, as is, I imagine, pretty much every parent of a college student not living at home. They're still such works-in-progress, yet so far away and on their own. But then, as parents, we're works-in-progress right along with them, and this is a new learning stage for us, too.
Sally
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Chari
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| Posted: Sept 05 2011 at 9:22am | IP Logged
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Nicely put, Sally! Praying for all of the birds who have flown the nest. I have three of my own.
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Chari...Take Up & Read
Dh Marty 27yrs...3 lovely maidens: Anne 24, Sarah 20 & Maddelyn 17 and 3 chivalrous sons: Matthew 22, Garrett 16 & Malachy 11
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Sept 05 2011 at 9:23am | IP Logged
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Not intending this to discourage you from encouraging your child to attend Mass.. just wanted to point out that lazy is rather different than "falling away". My dh was a lazy Mass attender in college.. he'd try on special days but not most Sundays unless he was with his parents. but it didn't change his desire to be part of the church and to eventually raise his family in the church. I'm a convert so it really was his desire to be there that brought all of us there. Even if he was lazy in college.
Now totally different age. But my 14 yr old made her own arragnments to get to Mass yesterday. DH was with me at the hospital and we just couldn't manage anything. But her personality is such that once she decides that something is the right thing.. no one can budge her. And last summer our priest got onto a lot of people about not attending Mass for sports and things. And she was acting like our priest was being more difficult than needed... I just pulled out the catechism and let her read it for herself. I talked with her a tiny bit to make sure she understood it and didn't have questions and you can see that she has internalized it for now. I was so proud of her. 
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Barb.b
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| Posted: Sept 05 2011 at 9:25am | IP Logged
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Thanks Sally! Great advice. . . I will see if I bring it up today - if I do I will try the "what mass times have you tried. . . or maybe "have you tried different Mass times, I was wondering if the music was different as different times" cause when he went 2 weeks ago he stated that the music was "different". But if I decide not to, I will email/somehow communicate toward the end of the week something like "which Mass do you think you will try this weekend".
Thanks!
Barb
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Barb.b
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| Posted: Sept 05 2011 at 9:27am | IP Logged
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Jodie, Yes! I think that is part of it - a "lazy" is different from "falling away". At least it is easier as a mom to think of it as lazy - cause that seems "easier" for the Holy Spirit to work with.
Barb
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4Real Forums : High School Years and Beyond
Topic: keeping college kids Catholic. . .
