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guitarnan
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| Posted: Jan 28 2010 at 8:57pm | IP Logged
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So tonight was my Boy Scout's last meeting as a Scout. Next week he will be an adult Scouter - he turns 18. He's so very aware of all of these transitional moments. They are steps away from childhood and toward adult independence. He so longed to be free of the obligation to attend so many Scouting events, and now he realizes that he will not be able to walk away instantly - he needs to make this kind of break in a more gradual way. For him, this will mean beginning some kind of involvement as an Assistant Scout Master and helping the younger Scouts on their Eagle projects.
How do we, as parents, foster this transition to independence? Sending our children off to college is a logical answer, of course, but what do we do before then, and in addition to moving our teens into dorm rooms or giving them more personal freedom at home?
Another thought - are we as homeschooling families more able to discuss these transitions with our teens as they are occurring? I know I have heart-to-hearts with my son more frequently than I ever thought I would.  As a mom, it's so hard to think about the day, not too far away, when this wonderful young man will move out and only come home when he's hungry or his car won't work...but I hope we'll find that we can still hug each other and talk.
(Another thought - maybe we need a thread for Beyond Homeschooling - Nurturing Our College- and Career-Bound Children?)
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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ALmom
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| Posted: Jan 28 2010 at 10:32pm | IP Logged
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Transitions - they do happen. I think the transitions are hardest for mom, actually. My children transitioned with ease, it was mom who experienced the agony.
We do talk a lot about them, we talk a lot period. We like to provide some safety net while letting them make some of their own mistakes. College isn't the only way - so is realizing that dc have to discern their own path, even when you aren't quite so sure where they are coming from and it seems almost nutty to you. You still watch out for them (do crazy things like secretly stay in the parking lot in case they need you, but don't dare tell them that you are doing that - and try really hard to stay out of sight  ). You check out who they are with and keep in touch with what they are learning and doing - but you are a bit more hands off - letting them figure out things, once you know they are safe and you feed them some ideas to grapple with. You drive them places at night (or rather are in the car when they drive) just to make sure - and then you transition to having errands to do nearby (even if the errand is sitting in the parking lot catty corner while you read a book and keep a distant eye on stuff). Then you finally let them drive and give safe arrival and departure calls.
You don't hover quite as much, and you laugh a bit more at yourself when you are still calling hotels to check out lighting for a child who is about to enter graduate school. And you laugh about it with said dd.
You know you are gracefully making the transition when dd says, "Gee now that I really want you to tell me what to do, and I want to ask you everything, you don't have so many answers"
Maybe some of this is because my two oldest are dd and I just have so many worries about safety. Perhaps some is because dd #2 has chosen a path that is male dominated (and so unfamiliar to us - and took us totally by surprise). I know dh went with dd on her first airplane flight - called it a dry run. DD insisted that she was doing it herself the next time. We made all kinds of inquiries, double and triple checked places, printed maps for her and kept copies of everything ourselves. Glad we did - turns out dd locked all these in the trunk of her car at the airport from which she departed. Next trip - we still had the copies - but she didn't need our help. I still double check safety of places, etc. and she always calls so "I can go to sleep and not stay up all night".
Janet
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Paula in MN
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| Posted: Jan 29 2010 at 5:26am | IP Logged
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guitarnan wrote:
| (Another thought - maybe we need a thread for Beyond Homeschooling - Nurturing Our College- and Career-Bound Children?) |
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Yes!
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 Paula
A Catholic Harvest
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: Jan 29 2010 at 6:51am | IP Logged
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Just reading Nancy's post made me teary eyed.
I hope I can be Janet and enjoy and laugh at the transition. And it is good to hear I won't be crazy to sit in the parking lot watching, or waiting up for them to come home. Dh doesn't get that.
My oldest is just 12 and in my premenopausal state I am preparing myself for the departure. I see it in him. I get sad easily. But I want to be ready.
Yes, let's discuss!
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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stefoodie
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| Posted: Jan 29 2010 at 8:39am | IP Logged
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Paula in MN wrote:
guitarnan wrote:
| (Another thought - maybe we need a thread for Beyond Homeschooling - Nurturing Our College- and Career-Bound Children?) |
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Yes! |
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Ditto!
guitarnan wrote:
| Another thought - are we as homeschooling families more able to discuss these transitions with our teens as they are occurring? |
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yes. and i think it helps both them and us. i remember telling my dd, don't be surprised when i make mistakes, because i will continue to make them. most of the time i don't know whether to pull you closer because you still need to be protected or let you go because you need to be more independent. i'm new at this and stlil feeling my way so we'll have to both be very patient with each other.
it's soooo bittersweet, this process.  to all of you walking this road with us.
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stef
mom to five
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Jan 29 2010 at 10:12am | IP Logged
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guitarnan wrote:
How do we, as parents, foster this transition to independence?...
Another thought - are we as homeschooling families more able to discuss these transitions with our teens as they are occurring?...
(Another thought - maybe we need a thread for Beyond Homeschooling - Nurturing Our College- and Career-Bound Children?)... |
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Denial  .
Yes.
I'm in.
Oh Nancy, you are such a support to me!...thank you for sharing this story. Ladies, it helps to be in this together .
ALmom wrote:
I think the transitions are hardest for mom, actually. ...
We do talk a lot about them, we talk a lot period.... We like to provide some safety net while letting them make some of their own mistakes. College isn't the only way - ...almost nutty to you.
You don't hover quite as much, and you laugh a bit more at yourself ...you laugh about it with said dd.
You know you are gracefully making the transition when dd says, "Gee now that I really want you to tell me what to do, and I want to ask you everything, you don't have so many answers"
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Me too.
We talk a lot too - you all knew that! We know nutty  .
Yes, laughing at self is key. Lots to laugh about here .
Janet, you are the best! I have enjoyed your generosity and contributions over the years, yet never so much as I do now. I appreciate your perspecitve and so need it!
Paula, I'm glad you're in too! Anne, I'm right there crying with you - and me, a self-proclaimed non-cryer  .
stefoodie wrote:
i remember telling my dd, don't be surprised when i make mistakes, because i will continue to make them. most of the time i don't know whether to pull you closer because you still need to be protected or let you go because you need to be more independent. i'm new at this and stlil feeling my way so we'll have to both be very patient with each other.
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And I thank God so much for our dd's friendship! I couldn't have picked a better friend, a better family, to meander this winding road with .
With Marilyn sharing her heart in recent topics, it reminded me of a post that I shared a few years ago, birthing an adult. I'm just now becoming a bit more confident in the process (confident in God and His relationship with my dd, mind you, not confident in myself), more experienced in this stage. Yet, this doesn't remove the pain - the agony . Bittersweet! The sweetest part for me is that I feel I'm savoring each day with my dd...I'm more relaxed...more real. We've weathered storms together and we're still here - together.
On a practical note, a while back we instituted "Ladies' Night at the Movies." The two of us watch a movie together, eat some chick food, then blog about it in a private blog. I'm hoping that this might be a way that we can transition into separation...getting into the habit of carving out time and *finding ways* to stay connected.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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MarilynW
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| Posted: Jan 29 2010 at 10:24pm | IP Logged
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I am not at the transitions stage yet - but I get all reading all your posts. My dd is only 13 - but I know how quickly time passes, and I cannot imagine her leaving home. This week she started her first job (just a couple of hours a week), but I felt so very odd dropping her off. Then today we were watching the Saint John Bosco movie - and my ds (10) who talks about possibly having a vocation was talking about going off to seminary - and I felt all again.
Thanks for sharing your views. I guess I will be be coming back here in 3 to 4 years time and post my views ....
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Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
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4Real Forums : High School Years and Beyond
Topic: Transitions
