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JoannB
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| Posted: Jan 07 2006 at 7:58am | IP Logged
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Okay, I'm not sure how or where to start, so I'll just dive in......
I'm comparing my son age 8 and I'm not liking how I feel! Prior to Christmas, we (my ds and I) were sailing along beautifully. I was totally okay with our relaxed approach and happy with my ds's progress. Ds was happy and I finally thought AH-HA....so this is how he'll learn the best! I was thrilled and content. He was a happy boy, joyful and just normal academically.
We spent 4 days during the holidays with my in-laws....including 2 realitives my son's age. These kids literally blew my ds out of the water, academically, socially, and everything in between. Very intelligent secular kids...and nice, too. But they have waaaaay more confidence then me, as an adult have!
Next we go to our cub scout meeting.....I saw all these self-directed little guys with huge vocabularies,reading, socializing, and all seemed to be very "quick" at getting things.
Now, my ds is not in any way learning disabled-- he just acts waaaaaay different then public or parochial school kids. He acts well....sorta of dopey or nerdy. I've noticed this with other children his age at the homeschool co-op we attend...(I am AMAZED...at our co-op nobody makes fun of each other and ALL PLAY TOGETHER....5 year olds run around the gym with 10 year olds and act like they really like each other....) this is something I know ps or par. school kids don't do...
He has many unique interests compared to other boys his age and dh and I nurture them.
I wonder, in the long run how it will effect him? I also wonder if he'll wake up someday and discover he is different? Will he hate me?
I want to have my relaxed, confident attitude back and know my ds will be just fine.
I know comparison is the death of contentment...but jeeze...I just can't help it.
Thanks!!!
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Joann
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Mare
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| Posted: Jan 07 2006 at 8:09pm | IP Logged
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Joann,
Praise God that your son is different!  How bland a world it would be if we were all the same.
It sounds to me that you lost your peace about your son's style of schooling when you started to compare him to the other non-homeschooled students. Are you second guessing whether you and your dh should continue nurturing your son's unique interests. Am I understanding that correctly?
Have you asked God to lead you and your dh in the direction that He wants you to go with teaching your son? If so, and you are doing as God leads you, than why worry?
35So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. 36You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. Hebrews 10:35-36
I will pray that you regain your joy and confidence back.
Peace,
Mare 
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Willa
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| Posted: Jan 07 2006 at 8:11pm | IP Logged
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Oh Joann,
I am trying to stay off the computer today, but your questions have been on my mind!
It sounds like you are afraid homeschooling is putting your son at a disadvantage. You know, my older kids went to Catholic school for a couple of grades.... and guess what, in occasional moods I felt like my PARENTING had put my kids at a disadvantage. So when I started hsing and the same thing happened occasionally, I knew it wasn't homeschooling ITSELF -- it was just the fact that my kids are unique, sometimes they are different from my ideals, and sometimes that hurts.
I wouldn't be surprised if lots of moms have those comparison moments once in a while. I know I do --- furthermore, there have been times when moms of "schooled" kids have compared their kids negatively to mine 
Here's something I've done when in one of those blue moods.... made lists. One of the lists is what I see in those other kids that I would like my kids to have. The more specific the better -- good phone manners, perhaps! The second list is of things I like and appreciate about my kid, that I think I have helped nurture in him. That takes a little longer, but it's a good discipline.
Then of the list of things that I'm concerned about, I make a short list of things we can actually work on. Funny, but sometimes just doing this really eases my worries and makes me realize that those things aren't SUCH big deals or don't have to be dealt with now.
Anyway, I know how you feel and I do think it's one of the hard parts about homeschooling. Moms of schoolkids get those moods, too, at least in my experience, but they can objectify it a bit better because they don't feel so much like the ONLY major influence. As a result they may end up leaning more heavily on the school and peer environment to help them "fix" their kids.
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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juliecinci
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| Posted: Jan 07 2006 at 9:15pm | IP Logged
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I have two boys just like that and one who is like the secular public schooled kids you mentioned.
Temperament.
Two of my boys are just different... not as socially skilled but smart and interesting.
The middle boy is mister smooth and outshines most kids.
I really think that who they are is what you see... and while some of these public schooled kids may have the appearance of education and social ease, we don't know the whole story from brief interactions. They may be cool, but are they gentle or kind? They may read well and know their times tables, but do they like math or care about books?
I like Willa's list idea.
And I hope you will go back to enjoying your son. Sometimes I revel in the backwardness of one of my boys because it is evidence also of his innocence that I love to protect as long as possible.
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Julie
Homeschooling five for fourteen years
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Taffy
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| Posted: Jan 07 2006 at 10:37pm | IP Logged
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Thanks Willa!
I often deal with the same feelings that Joann describes. Your ideas are just what I needed to hear! Very helpful
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
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Courtney
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| Posted: Jan 08 2006 at 12:03am | IP Logged
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Joann, I understand how you are feeling. I liked Willa's idea about lists. We attended our first homeschool pe class this past week. I realized my ds (5) had no idea how to do a jumping jack. I also saw that he would be totally lost in a classroom. I became a little panicked when I saw that he seemed to have difficulty following the directions to lining up for a game the instructor was leading. The instructor set up four lines and then numbered all the kids (about 25) with either 1,2,3 or 4. WHen he pointed at my son and told him to go to line 4, I could see the bewilderment on his face. My dd happened to be in line 4 and motioned to him. It wasn't a big deal but it sure sent me for a little spin. I have to focus on the skills and abilities and wonderful things about him that I love. I did make a mental note, though, to show him how to do a jumping jack and maybe play more following direction type games with him.
I know we've touched on the topic of introversion/extroversion before, but I have to take that into account with my ds as well. He is very much like my dh and would prefer very small groups or one on one. I think he gets overwhelmed in larger crowds.
When I first started homeschooling, the best advice I recieved was, "Don't compare!" It is so hard for me not to do that not just with my kids but with my own style of educating and parenting my kids. I always wonder if I'm doing it "right". I ask God daily for guidance on our journey. Hang in there!
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Courtney in Texas
Wife to Mike since 3/94 
Mom to Candace 10/97,Christopher 4/00 and Connor 11/11
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JoannB
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| Posted: Jan 08 2006 at 7:48am | IP Logged
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I love the list idea...I will use it!
I know the thoughts I had trying to "get into" the unschool/relaxed mindset, which were thoughts I repeated silently to myself...I need to make a list of those, too and meditate on them.
I am also happy to hear, I am not alone in my thinking...
I really do enjoy homeschooling and being with my son...I wouldn't change the time we've had for anything. I just have to get back to the relaxed way of thinking and need a more positive attitude.
I look forward to more replies!
Thanks you,
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Joann
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Willa
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| Posted: Jan 13 2006 at 12:33pm | IP Logged
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Dear Joann,
Have you read The Hurried Child? It is a good thing to read when considering the superficial differences between some public schooled kids and some homeschooled kids.
In our society, we sometimes rush our kids into adulthood. We expose them to mature themes, we are proud when they act like little adults. But sometimes, the kids that seem so "together" at age 8 or 9 are the ones that are wearing Victoria's Secret clothing at age 12 or 13. You know?
It's not an easy issue. I've seen good things in our public schooled relatives and friends. But we have to think about what good IS and what we think is important for their whole lives, not just a snapshot at age 6 or 8 or 12.
Did you ever hear the joke, "Be nice to nerds, you will probably work for one someday?"  The woman I heard making that joke was a middle school teacher [ . I think there are definite survival advantages in being a bit different and out of the mainstream, as long as the roots go deep and the growing environment is sound. Ecologically, they say the fringe part of a micro-ecology is the most diverse and hardy
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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Mary G
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| Posted: Jan 13 2006 at 1:07pm | IP Logged
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Joann,
Were you sitting with us last night at dinner? We were just talking abut how one friend's 5 yo couldn't neatly sign his full name on the soccer coach's thank you card but -- horror of horrors -- all the ps kids could! Well my friend didn't see it as an issue, but her dh did.
But what else are those kids learning that you wouldn't want them to learn? What is your son learning that they'd never be able ot teach in ps or private schools?
Also, you're looking at a very small sample -- a couple of cousins and some scouts -- what about the rest of his peer group that would be in the ps or parochial school. One afternoon, drive by the potential school and see how the kids act when they're out --- see the jostling at the school bus, the toys they're playing with the kids that are being excluded. Do you really want that for your son?
On a lighter note -- have you seen successful people -- folks who are considered real winners now -- what they looked like as kids? My cousins went to school with Robin Williams -- he was always ostracised becuase he was so bizarre in school
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MaryG
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my website that combines my schooling, hand-knits work, writing and everything else in one spot!
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4Real Forums : Living Learning
Topic: Help me get my head on straight!
